Are some kids really just easier

[NewEms]

I recently found out that I’m pregnant, I don’t have much experience with kids, only child so no siblings/nieces/nephews. The only kids in my life are those of my two closest friends.
Friend A has a daughter, I lived with her for 6 months when her daughter was 2 and her daughter seemed … easy. She liked lots of different foods, potty trained super easy (I was there), wasn’t a screamer, didn’t really run away. I don’t remember friend A ever really complaining, I remember her being exhausted from sleepless nights but her daughter was sleeping through by about 5/6 months. I know she had her husband, great maternity package at work, a cleaner etc, but really she never seemed stressed by parenting. Her daughter is 4 now, settled into school well, sleeps through all that.
Friend B has a son, he’s never been an easy kid, didn’t sleep through until over a year, always always screamed, was a runner as a toddler, very picky eater, tantrums a lot. Never lived with them but in the short time I spend with them he’s chaos. He’s 5 now and in school and friend was mentioning that he doesn’t listen well, used to bite other kids etc. She also has a cleaner, supportive husband and the such but has never seemed like she enjoys parenting. Friend A doesn’t have family near by but both she and her husband both seem to still have good social life’s (babysitters).

Now I’m 8 weeks pregnant, not planned. My partner is supportive and we have good jobs, when I think about “could I handle a kid” I think I could handle friend As kid, the good times seem to outweigh the bad and she seems to enjoy parenting. I’m not sure I could handle friend Bs she never seems happy anymore, and while I know she loves her son I don’t know she puts up with parenting as he seems like a lot of work. She also hasn’t really come out much since having her son, doesn’t trust non-related babysitters so has to be family. (Side question - should you trust non related babysitters? Or only family?)

Is it really just luck if you have an easy or difficult kid or is it more parenting related? AIBU to feel tempted to terminate this pregnancy just because I’m not sure I could handle a more difficult child or a child with additional needs (not that I wouldn’t love them, I would I just don’t know if I’d have the patience/temperament)?

To be honest my children are pretty different to what was expecting!
I’m easy going, shy, happy to just fit in person, both my children, especially the oldest are regularly described as ‘confident’, ‘determined’ and ‘characters’ by others so it’s been a really mind opening experience for me! I’ve not pushed them to be outgoing, they just are. Personality is innate and I think it’s good to be ready for any outcome!

Bed sharing is actually the norm in Japan...

Haha that’s so like mine although in a different order!

Yes it’s about personality but it is also getting to know that personality and working with it and being flexible with your parenting style.

It is swings and roudabouts.

I know of 2 instances where the headstrong difficult child who was the least loved of a family of easier going siblings was the sibling who fought the hardest for the parents when they become in need of care in their old age.

That difficult resilient personality came through in the end but you'd never know it when they were babies.

Yep, mostly luck. I do think that people who are laid back do tend to get more laid back kids though. If you highly strung and like everything to be 'just so' it's harder. You more you try to resist the chaos the worse it gets! Same goes for very anxious people. There's a lot of uncertainty around birth, babies and parental leave. Babies can't talk. You can't control how your birth will go. You can't tell if they will sleep though at 2 months or 8. It's s constant shifting terrain.

Congratulations though! The good news is that no matter if your baby Is a handful - you'll cope. The highs generally outweigh the lows.

Luckily mo

I had two perfect babies and then they turned into idiots by the time they were 2/3, think we are on the way to something in the middle now.

I've got a friend with the best behaved little boy, she's a good Mum but I don't see her doing anything different to me, I'm not saying I'm a mega mum but I think I do alright and my kids are still sometimes naughty, like others have said, it's luck and personality.

On the side question, we absolutely had to made use of non related babysitters or we would never have any "us" time. You can meet them first and suss them out, we've only ever had great experiences with babysitters from Bubble and it's a game changer, you need to have the odd evening to yourselves or you lose yourself to being a parent

Assuming neither child is from a very chaotic or abusive household then yes it's luck/genetics. And some neurodiverse children can be a lot more challenging for a variety of reasons.

I think it’s nature AND nurture. All children have their own foibles and will need love and care in their own special way but parents who foist their own foibles on their children means that the children fair worse, and project that. Whether it be anxiousness, insecurity, immaturity, low EI, addition or erratic, chaotic parenting - even the most placid natured child will act out at some point in those circumstances.

Some of it is luck but some of it is parenting. My daughter is a ‘good kid’ - part of that is luck, part of it is environment, firm boundaries and a loving upbringing.

It's luck of the draw for sure!

I have 5, no2 and no4 are my two 'strong willed' children. Funnily enough, I am slightly closer to them because they do "need" me more. Whereas my other ones tend to get on with it a bit easier.

Either way, you will adore your child no matter what. If you are worried, really get your partner on board to be an actively hands on Father. You guys will feel like a great team and be able to overcome any difficulties!

It took me years to reach the point where I truly felt like we were a team. It was partly my fault by thinking I had to be Super Mum and Super Wife running myself ragged.

I'm finally so happy now 18 years on.

All the best for the future, it's the most exciting time. 😊

My first child is so independent and easy going and her default mood is happy. She makes the best out of everything and could find something to occupy her in an empty room.

My second child needs loads of input in order to be happy. As a baby she needed constant contact and didn’t really sleep. Now she sleeps brilliantly but she still loves being with others and gets bored quickly when entertaining herself.

It really is luck of the draw! I think you will be surprised with how much patience you can have though.

Among all the other elements, I think having personalities of parents and children that 'go together' matters, different things are going to be hard for different people.

Like my three, I find them all very easy children. They are still primary school aged so obviously that can change. But they were traditionally 'easy' babies and toddlers, slept well, ate well, rarely sick etc and grew into children that I find easy to parent. They have different personalities but they seem to blend really well and are similar to me.
My sister however, would not find mine so easy, one of them is very messy, which bothers her as she finds it careless and doesn't like grubby or sticky and another is very anxious about public transport which my sister would have no patience for and would find incredibly trying.

Similarly my friend has no trouble with her son, he is lovely but is also noisy, frenetic and very excitable, which is fun but I do find it a bit exhausting in long doses.and would struggle to give him a good outlet for his energy like she does.
She in turn loves my girls but would be so bored playing barbies or colouring with them for hours.

When you were a child you must have noticed that not everyone was the same aa you though

Don't underestimate the overwhelming love that you will have for your own baby and that is where you will draw strength.
Yes, there are differences in temperament and sometimes this might appear that some people have a better experience than other but at some point we all find it hard!

I have two and have worked with them my whole adult life and yes, some children are just easier than others. Some are easy toddlers and hard teens and vice versa. Being a parent is tough but it's a huge privilege too.

Yes my children are totally different, if my second had been my first, he would have been an only child. My first was such a contented, relaxed, happy baby, lulled us into a sense of false security 😂 no regrets though, my two are adults now and my second child is so loving, caring, still noisy and totally driven, first son is still totally chilled.

🤣 the idea that baby wearing and choosing not to sleep train are the causes of bad behaviour is hilarious.

Bed sharing is much more common in China and Japan than in the UK, by the way https://academic.oup.com/sleep/article/26/7/839/2707871

https://www.jstage.jst.go.jp/article/tjem/246/2/246_121/_html/-char/en#:~:text=In%20Japan%2C%20infants%20and%20mothers,2014).

I think it’s mainly luck, but everyone keeps telling me that my LO is super chilled and quiet because we have a very calm and happy household 🤷🏼‍♀️

We have two, and the oldest has been a firecracker since day 1. She is bright, energetic, truly sensitive and loving, but gets incredibly frustrated when things don't go her way (she is only 3), wanted constant engagement, screamed blue murder when she couldn't talk but wanted to express herself etc. We had a family friend take one look at her at age 1 and say "this is exactly how my son was and that is why we will never have another". It has been a challenge, i'm not going to lie. But, she is a FUN child, she has a huge personality, people recognise and love interacting with her, we adore her, and things have gotten much easier as she has gotten older. The younger one is much quieter and was a very easy baby, more challenging now as neither of mine want to sit still for more than a few minutes. I have friends children who are "easy" so there are some out there, but not at my house! As a mum, i'd say what becomes the bigger want isn't an "easy" baby, it is a healthy baby.

I will say that it sounds like you are coming around to a bit of a shock of a situation, our first was also not planned. It is a lot to digest. Our doctor at the time when we discussd our options said "sometimes the house isn't a white picket fence, sometimes it is pink or blue. It doesn't always work out how you expect, and if you are at a certain age, you might struggle to conceive again, and that is a dice you might/might not want to roll". Try to think about what you want/don't want long term. Nothing is ever perfect when it comes to raising a child, there is never an ideal time, but only you know what is right for you/your body. The big thing that swung my decision was the ultrasound scan and seeing the heartbeat for some reason so be careful doing that if you really don't want to continue. Good luck with your decision, I hope it all works out for you x

There’s a lot of luck involved. DD slept from night one in the hospital. She was a very quiet easy baby, toddler and child. DS was much more tricky. But I do believe that inconsistent or overly aggro/passive etc parents can make a rod for their own back and make difficult children.

Also, routine routine routine from literally day 1, and sleep training from the weight/age guideline saved my sanity. The book bringing up bebe was fascinating and helped me and my style of parenting. Not for everone, but as a working mum without a support network, they were huge helps.

Absolutely this

I have twin DC (both ND). Twin 1 is easy AF in comparison with Twin 2, whom I sometimes suspect is Satan's Deputy Elect on earth.
In all seriousness, as a parent, you just adapt to whatever child you get and learn along the way.
I never thought I'd be able to cope with 1 kid, let alone 2? And both on Autism and ADHD pathway? And, doing it totally on my own? I grew strength I never believed I'd be capable of.
So, fretting about what you're going to get an A or B child is totally fucking futile.
You'll get the child you get and you'll step up, like the rest of us do.
🤷🏼‍♀️

I had both an easy baby and an easy puppy. Definitely a lot of luck but also I'm pretty laid back and not house-proud and both baby and puppy had to slot into my life rather than me change it completely. Maybe that made it easier🤷‍♀️I'm a single mum with no family nearby but I had an au-pair when my daughter was small.

Also - use a dummy for your own sanity 😂