Are some kids really just easier

[NewEms]

I recently found out that I’m pregnant, I don’t have much experience with kids, only child so no siblings/nieces/nephews. The only kids in my life are those of my two closest friends.
Friend A has a daughter, I lived with her for 6 months when her daughter was 2 and her daughter seemed … easy. She liked lots of different foods, potty trained super easy (I was there), wasn’t a screamer, didn’t really run away. I don’t remember friend A ever really complaining, I remember her being exhausted from sleepless nights but her daughter was sleeping through by about 5/6 months. I know she had her husband, great maternity package at work, a cleaner etc, but really she never seemed stressed by parenting. Her daughter is 4 now, settled into school well, sleeps through all that.
Friend B has a son, he’s never been an easy kid, didn’t sleep through until over a year, always always screamed, was a runner as a toddler, very picky eater, tantrums a lot. Never lived with them but in the short time I spend with them he’s chaos. He’s 5 now and in school and friend was mentioning that he doesn’t listen well, used to bite other kids etc. She also has a cleaner, supportive husband and the such but has never seemed like she enjoys parenting. Friend A doesn’t have family near by but both she and her husband both seem to still have good social life’s (babysitters).

Now I’m 8 weeks pregnant, not planned. My partner is supportive and we have good jobs, when I think about “could I handle a kid” I think I could handle friend As kid, the good times seem to outweigh the bad and she seems to enjoy parenting. I’m not sure I could handle friend Bs she never seems happy anymore, and while I know she loves her son I don’t know she puts up with parenting as he seems like a lot of work. She also hasn’t really come out much since having her son, doesn’t trust non-related babysitters so has to be family. (Side question - should you trust non related babysitters? Or only family?)

Is it really just luck if you have an easy or difficult kid or is it more parenting related? AIBU to feel tempted to terminate this pregnancy just because I’m not sure I could handle a more difficult child or a child with additional needs (not that I wouldn’t love them, I would I just don’t know if I’d have the patience/temperament)?

My son is very chilled and content and people always comment saying they can't believe it. Just the way he is

Yes, but "pick your battles" is also sound advice. And all kids have their particular quirks.

I didn't realise how easy my older one was until the younger one arrived. DC1 is super-energetic and always busy with something, but is also easy-going, sociable, emotionally quite chilled out and great at just keeping busy with stuff with limited input from me. DC1 has been like this from a baby/toddler - would climb on everything but also play with toys for hours. DC2 is less high-energy but seems to require much more input from me. DC2's sleep is worse as well.

DC1 is what you might describe as a "fussy eater". Mealtimes could be a battleground but instead I always make sure that there is something DC1 likes and don't insist that food is eaten. So DC1 is not 'easy' in that respect, but our life is easy, if you like, because we don't make a big issue over it. I'm also not that strict on screen-time because DC1 does lots of activities and some screen-time seems to have a calming effect. Again, something that could be an issue, but we don't bother making it one.

Parents have to decide their own boundaries, but it's definitely easier if you work with the children you have and adapt the rules so that they work for them.

You get what you get. That's the big gamble. My 'easiest' child is actually my ND one (at the moment! Hasnt always been true) but I'm also aware that we've altered our home and parenting style around them a lot and in a different environment they would be much more difficult (and I'm also aware that if their ND expressed itself differently it wouldn't matter what the hell we did).

You have to be comfortable with the gamble.

I agree with posters who say try to make your life as easy as possible and forget trying to do everything perfectly (I'm about as far from perfection as anyone could get - ask my daughter 😂) yet my daughter is now a really lovely teen - super hard-working, polite, popular and aspiring to become a professional athlete. Just do what you can to make your own life easier.

My children were like night and day from birth.

DS was instantly very alert from birth, didn’t much like sleep, had a big personality, including a temper, and did everything really early (crawled, walked, talked). He was constantly on the go and very difficult to assert any kind of authority over. I was run ragged with him!

Whereas DD basically fed, slept, smiled and gurgled good naturedly as a baby, then morphed into a sunny, happy, extremely cooperative toddler and child. I don’t think I ever had cross words with her until she hit pre-teen hormonal stroppiness.

Parenting two such different children has been a real humbler for me .

My two were an absolute nightmare the first 2 years of their lives. They suffered from colic, cried all the time, didn't sleep at night, needed me 24/24h. I was so so jealous of my friends who had easy babies they were happy to take out anywhere and looked happy and content whilst I was an exhausted mum always on edge.

Once they started school though, they were absolute angels. They continued to be so during their teenage years. I had it so much easier than most parents I knew and I was told quite a few times that they wished we could swap!

You just never know what you'll get, but ultimately, they are your children and you love them unconditionally.

It’s luck.

Before I had children I’d have argued the case for nurture but it’s mainly nature.

Prioritise a good sleep routine, if they sleep, you sleep and then parenting is easier

‘Easy/good’ is also different depending on different situations.

I know a child who you would probably think is a dream to parent. Never shouts, never runs away, happy to sit and colour or read a book, kind to other children.

And yet the bit you don’t see is she is massively clingy and does not want to participate in group activities. School can be tricky. She doesn’t want to do anything where she is ‘dropped off’.

And parenting those emotions can be really hard. And in an older child even harder.

But op also doesn't want to risk having a child with additional needs. Even if you assert that it's possible to raise a perfect baby who sleeps through the night, eats what they're given, never tantrums, never had a difficult age, that wouldn't change the fact I spent the first 18 months in and out of hospital with DC1 and DC2 split into two and became DCs2+3. Eldest has non inherited wonky chromosomes and asd. Dtwins may well. Any cold could have an illness or accident that changes your life for the harder.

Op if you only want a perfect child or nothing, have the abortion and get iron clad contraception.

But in my experience, you just learn to cope. Yes of course some parents are genuinely shit and abusive bit that isn't the kids fault. The ready of us get by. We cry. W make mistakes. We thrive. We strive. The key is love and backup.

My friend and I had the same chat about how our kids would act based on the film BirdBox. Dd would not look. Ds would have to peek and youngest dd would most definitely remove the blindfold!

Parenting wise they are all respectful and nice kids. I’d like to think me and dh had some hand in that!

Think about it this way, you are currently growing a human. When it is born it will be a baby, but also a human. 2 years later it will be a turkey, but also a human. 15 years after birth you've got a teenager - but also a human.

The humans you know and see, and work with, are friends with, they ones that hold doors open and smile, the ones that frustratingly pull out in front of you at junctions. Again, all humans in thier full glorious range.

You don't need to know what small children are like when you can see the range in the rest of humanity. And yes, you can influence and nudge, but ultimately they are all different.

What you haven't taken account of though is how love helps you through the tricky times. It doesn't make it easy, but it does help a LOT.

Yeah, it is luck really. I have a friend who is a total supermum and was so supportive when I was having difficulty breastfeeding. She's always been a much more disciplined parent than me. Her oldest and youngest have been lovey and easy as far as I can tell - her middle one much more challenging (behaviour difficulties, toileting difficulties) but great in their own way as well. And as others have said, it varies by stage with the individual child.

Pure luck of the draw my dd is autistic I hadn't planned for that.

I think you have to be prepared to take whatever kind of child you get, as to large extent it’s out of your control.

But it’s also important to remember that good parents are made, not born. You care enough to want to do the best for your child, so you learn different strategies, you figure out how you can best support them. Yes, you get overwhelmed sometimes but nothing worthwhile in life is easy, and that relationship with your child can be the most meaningful one you’ll ever have with another human being.

Couldn’t agree more with this, if you’re stressed, tired, zooming about everywhere it will affect your parenting. There are little things you will miss or not handle as well as you should have. You don’t know what your parenting journey will involve but not being a martyr and drawing on support along the way will help so much. Yes of course there are times when you will just have to get on with it however tough. I specifically waited to have last baby at the same time as the older one was starting school to make things easier and then along came lockdown 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣 you couldn’t have made it up but we survived!!

I'm not trying to argue here but i just want to say that routines don't work for everyone. So if Op tried a routine and it doesn't work they might think they're doing something wrong but some babies just cannot adapt to routine just because the parent tries to implement one, so that's not necessarily accurate advice

I have 2 DS’s and they’re completely different! DS1 can be really hard work and the temper he has is awful at times.

DS2 has autism and is the complete opposite of DS1. His manners are impeccable and he’s extremely well behaved.

Both raised exactly the same

@myotherkidisacassowary

https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-24624427

Definitely a big chunk of luck. But if you have a more difficult child you'll find ways to cope, you'll know that situation xyz results in a tantrum so you'll ensure you don't end up in that situation if at all possible. You might decide to pick your battles.

Hopefully you get a child similar to yourself - if you're a routine person, and you get a baby that likes routine chances are life will be chilled out. But if you try and force a routine on a baby that's just not up for it then it might all be a bit more of a battle.

There is definitely research showing that temperament is a real thing. But I do think that very difficult children like Child B in your example are a minority.

Most children are somewhere in the middle of the two.

Luck but some genetics. Some upbringing the older they get but kids will be kids despite this too.

Luck: One slept like a dream.

Genetics: I am sure one had my fiery, impatient nature from a very young age! I was so conscious to never become too impassioned (in a bad way) in front of them and always talked about patience - again from very young. Some would say it was environmental and my behaviour somehow rubbed off on them. They’re probably right. One is also very laidback like dad. Two really different kids, exactly the same upbringing.

Some upbringing the older they get: My friend has older children who are totally fine with being told no because she started from young - and meant it.

Oh and routine! Which falls under environmental/upbringing. Routine can definitely help with having a good sleeper - but some kids just don’t get the memo!

Actually, what am I talking about? It’s a lot to do with upbringing the older they get. I need to get off mumsnet and go to sleep…

“Some upbringing the older they get: My friend has older children who are totally fine with being told no because she started from young - and meant it. “
yes to this - I once overheard a friend say to one of my sons when they were playing upstairs “ go and ask your mum again” ( can’t remember what it was) and my son replied “ when she says no she won’t change her mind”
I was very impressed - and told him so when the friend had gone home. I wasn’t rigid about much stuff though just what I thought was important at the time.

I'd say it's a mix of nature and nurture

My DS has always been really easy. I'm sure part of that is down to his / our personalities, and part down to DH and my jobs (both involving welfare of children)

Yes pretty much luck. I had one easy and one not so easy child.
one was very fussy with food, one would eat anything, likewise with sleep and tantrums
Now both are at secondary school and are pretty easy but one is definitely more prone to emotional outbursts than the other. However both have always been pretty amazing in my eyes 🤩