To ask why you chose to stick with just one DC

[adotonthespectrum]

Curious. After lots of soul searching we think practically this would be best for our family but the biggest factor keeping us on the fence is that we wouldn’t want them to be lonely and miss out on valuable life lessons that a sibling can bring.

Every other reason though points towards having one for us: finances are FAR easier (childcare is so extortionate!), energy, time for one another, maintaining careers, house size, providing support for DC when they become an adult with things like house deposit, driving lessons, uni, wedding

It’s so tricky to know what’s best and what you will/won’t regret

I only have one dc. We work hard to keep him level and not spoiled and socialise him every chance we get, plus we do every sport and activity together. It has made us a very solid unit and we are able to give him the attention and hearing ear that he needs with problems and his feelings, etc. I'm not a single child myself, I have three siblings. Financially, it's worked out well as regards holidays etc. But we try to always be very firm with not letting him have his way, sharing and accepting others viewpoints.

What stuck with me, I had a conversation with a colleague who was a single child herself when I was at the shall I shan't I phase as you are. She said my parents are my best friends, we've always done everything together growing up and we are a solid team still.

No regrets

Eleven years of unexplained infertility, the loss of our first daughter, resulting in PTSD, a difficult second pregnancy and so many external factors such as finances etc mean that we decided to not push our luck any further. There is no guarantee we would have been able to conceive anyway and my age was against me meaning I didn't have another potential 11 years in me too wait it out or the desire to put myself through anymore medical stuff. I will forever grieve our first daughter and as far as I am concerned I have 2 children, it's just that I only get to raise one. My DD is enough, I'm focussed on raising her to the best of my ability. I try not to get hung up on any hypothetical siblings. It won't do me or her any good. This is just how things have shook out for us.

I'm just not maternal and didn't want another one! Not all siblings get on either.

I post about having an only on here quite often. So many reasons.

I had post partum psychosis and don't want to risk that again. I am the default parent and finally have a decent balance and don't want to loose myself again.
In terms of support: DDs dad is lazy. MILs tricky to be around with a baby/toddler as I learnt the first time, and my parents aren't interested.

Finances. Splitting kids hobbies. Needing extra sanity and patience! Sleep!

DD is my whole world and I just can't imagine dividing my love and attention.
I don't feel I need to have another child for her to have a playmate- my house is often full of her friends!- and I won't do it just because society dictates... it's not a good reason to have another IMO.
However, I've not had great experience with siblings which may cloud my judgement.
I have a brother and whilst we were close as children, we aren't as adults and he has a lot of problems (ex drug addict always asking me and parents for money).
My partner has 3 siblings and I can't begin to tell you the fall outs some of them have had. It can be hard work navigating all those different relationships.

There will be people on here saying 2 kids is amazing , they feel sorry for onlies and others saying it's the best kept secret of being a parent and they love it.

I think it's great and apart from a few nosey/tactless comments from people, I've nothing negative to say about having an only, I absolutely love it.

Same here! And there's no shame in admitting this.

Never occurred to me to have another. For me, people having more than one child are making a slightly odd decision.

Agree with @mrlistersgelfbride , brace for the overbearing and interfering opinions of others on how you simply MUST have another one.

I usually respond with, will you be donating your time, money and vagina for this suggestion?

I believe you should be able to provide for your child all of the below:
Physically
Mentally
Emotionally
Financially
I would not be able to give another child all of the above, I can with one.
My first pregnancy destroyed my body and another could leave me in an even worse way.
We enjoy the quiet, easy pace of life of one, after we leave friends who have 2 or more, it always solidifies our decision.
I get niggles of sadness at not giving them a sibling but that's not enough of a reason to potentially destroy my mind and body. We focus more on the fact we can give them any opportunity they want and build a community around them. Our life is sweet with one.

Thanks everyone it’s interesting to read so far. I think the problem is I always dreamed about having a huge family as I am very maternal, but the realities of things are a lot different. Nursery fees alone for 4-5 years will be 50k. New shoes every 2-3 months. It’s all a lot and yes you can do it cheaply but I don’t want to be fraught, frazzled, never have any time to myself at all and worried about money. This particularly resonates with me since I don’t overly get on with my own sister. Age isn’t a factor for us hugely as we are only in our mid 20s - but all the practicalities remain whether you’re having a baby at 23 or 43.

And I’ve shared these concerns with people in real life and they say, you can make it work… you just cut your cloth, have a shorter second maternity leave, live in a cheaper area, don’t holiday. None of those things do I feel overly willing to do though if it can be avoided as it sounds miserable. We don’t earn terribly but also aren’t rolling in it and will probably never earn more than 80k combined.

We only have one. We tried (not much) for a second, but it didn't happen and we're really not bothered. We had pressure from our parents to have more than one as they were "Only ones" and they really thought they'd missed out, and they hated the idea of their grandchild being an only one.

But, we were aware of the issues and did our utmost to "socialise" him with friends etc. Have to admit, he was a bit of a "loner" during his teenage years, but we've always had a great "grown up" relationship with him, and we think he "grew up" much quicker than his peers/friends and matured quicker. We did loads of things with him, took him places, facilitated his hobbies, etc. He's now got loads of friends, and he says he doesn't miss not having a sibling as he knows no different - a fair few of his friends are "Only ones" too!!

Neither me nor OH have much contact with our respective siblings, just birthday and christmas cards really, neither of us have anything in common with them. I think we both "tolerated" our siblings as children rather than actually liking them or doing things with them. I think both sets of parents pushed us together too much, made us do things together, etc., to make up for them not having siblings and "missing out" as they saw it.

At the end of the day, lots of siblings don't have much in common, some have outright fallen out, some move away, etc. I think the key thing is for parents of only ones to make a bit of extra effort to arrange play dates etc in early years, and then to encourage hobbies/socialising etc in the teen years, to give them the opportunity to forge good friendships, or at least have interests to keep them busy and interested.

Unsupportive partner who decided not to work as a team and let me pick up most of the child rearing and housework. I was resentful and it really killed my sex drive. (No indication of this beforehand)

Job instability / panicking about career.

Serious autoimmune disease and the treatment was not compatible with a pregnancy. Alternatives were available but weren't shared with me by nhs drs.

But it is lovely having one. To know he doesn't feel rubbish in comparison to a sibling (like me) is very comforting. Personality wise, we are very similar and I think I could develop a bias if another kid came along. I'm a great mum to one and think I could only achieve good mum to two or more.

I think that’s changing - I keep reading somewhat odd posts comparing having more than one child to infidelity in a marriage!

There are lots of benefits to only having one. I had another because I wanted one than to benefit ds!

You need to accept the possibility they they may oftentimes be alone, compared to children who are constantly surrounded by one or more siblings - but they needn't be lonely.

I grew up with several siblings but conversely felt very lonely at times.

We now have only one DC and are not having another one. Do I worry about their socialisation and life lessons they'll miss out on due to no siblings? Yes. Is it hard work to fill the gaps ourselves and having to fill the role of playmate sometimes rather than merely parent? Yes. However, DC is super happy and knows they're incredibly lucky and privileged the ways PP mentioned -
Physically
Mentally
Emotionally
Financially

We are also very clear between me and DH (and will be with DC when DC is older) that we have no expectations that DC will look after us when we're elderly as it's unfair for them to assume the solo caring burden. I suspect not everyone takes this view and some parents do intend to rely on their multiple children for care and support when they're elderly.

Thank you. I like that you outlined that to them, so they know you won’t be expecting it all to fall to them

How do you mean?

Yes I’ve seen that! I suppose they were used to being no.1 & the attention divides by two overnight… which is surely positive for some children, but if the child is too young to understand I imagine they feel quite devastated! Even if for a short time

I’m sorry you’ve had it so tough but so happy for you that you have your second DD, I’m sure your first DD will always be with you all. X

Me too. I hated it, the job of being a mum. It was boring, relentless and exhausting.

Shes 22 now and about to graduate law. Best thing I ever did was stick with one.

I’m not particularly maternal either. I love our 10yo and don’t regret becoming a mother but I’m an introvert and just can’t imagine giving emotional support to more than one child.
Plus you never know what life’s going to throw at you (breast cancer at 39).

I'm a very happy only child and have a very happy only child!

DH has two siblings, one sister he never sees and one brother who is a massive prick that he hasn't spoken to for 20 years.

Siblings are no guarantee.

I love our peaceful happy life together: she has all of my time and attention. We have a great quality of life as not stretched financially with one.

My career has flourished as one gives much more flexibility when it comes to work.

I see harassed parents of multiples with chaos surrounding them and it's just not for me. At all.

Mainly age for us I think. We both had long term previous relationships but no children so met when I was 35 and DH 42. Because we were both recently single when we met we dated and took our time settling down so had DS when I was 39 and DH 46. DS is 16 months now and the light of our lives but we're knackered, just feel like we're settling into routines of work, occasional hobbies etc. we both have siblings and I do feel bad that he will miss out on that but we knew before we had him that we only wanted one. The irony is that if we'd met 10 years prior I'd have likely wanted another child but our careers wouldn't have been as well established as they are now, so finances would have been a lot tighter.

My reasons are:

Financial - I can't afford another maternity leave and don't want to have to buy a bigger house (nor be squeezing into a smaller one). I can buy whatever uniform, shoes, clothes, etc that DS needs without needing to spend the same amount on extra kids. Days out are much cheaper.

Peace - my friends with 2+ kids always comment on how quiet and peaceful my house is. I try to avoid going to theirs because it's a bit full-on. DS will happily sit down with an activity or a film if I need to crack on with something.

Birth - my child is school age and I'm still kept awake some nights having flashbacks of childbirth. It was honestly hideous and I can't believe any woman wants to do it again.

My own sanity - parenting doesn't come naturally to me! So I find it much easier to give my all to one child. Lots of my friends have chosen not to have any kids at all and I find it much easier to socialise with them with my one child (walks, afternoons in the pub garden, bbqs, etc) whereas the friends who have 2+ kids never get invited to anything.

CBA to do it again. As it stands my child will be an adult before I'm 40. I'm happy with that

I think I feel a bit "been there, done that", I can't see why I would want another one. It's lovely while it all lasts and all.

Thank you. Sounds like our reasons