To ask why you chose to stick with just one DC

[adotonthespectrum]

Curious. After lots of soul searching we think practically this would be best for our family but the biggest factor keeping us on the fence is that we wouldn’t want them to be lonely and miss out on valuable life lessons that a sibling can bring.

Every other reason though points towards having one for us: finances are FAR easier (childcare is so extortionate!), energy, time for one another, maintaining careers, house size, providing support for DC when they become an adult with things like house deposit, driving lessons, uni, wedding

It’s so tricky to know what’s best and what you will/won’t regret

I am a mum of one and often post on these threads when they come up. My reasons for sticking with one are:

1. I haven’t felt even slightly broody since DD (now 8) was born. We have a lovely life and it doesn’t feel like there is anyone ‘missing’ from our family.
2. I have a chronic illness which means I am tired a lot of the time. I think I would struggle to cope physically with more than one child.
3. I am extremely introverted and dislike too much noise and mess.
4. We would struggle financially.
5. I have a sibling with severe disabilities and know for a fact that I wouldn’t cope with that myself. Having a second seems like an unnecessary roll of the dice.

I do sometimes feel guilty at not ‘providing’ a sibling, but I also believe strongly that every child should be as wanted as my DD was, and not just provided as a service to an existing child.

And can I just say how refreshing it is that no one has yet come onto the thread and told us how selfish and awful we all are?

There is no right or wrong only what is right for your family.

for example I could tell you I have three daughters, my eldest is 18 and just headed off to uni and I can’t imagine being without any other kids now at home (having said that I’m only just 40 so most of my friends still have primary or early secondary age kids), but that’s just me, other might think wow amazing house back to ourselves again etc etc. Or ‘three girls’ would be some people’s less than ideal set up for example! 🤷🏼‍♀️

I didn’t have my second until my eldest was 6 as I was happy with one then suddenly had the urge to have another (then another), but again this was right for us.

I am one of 4 and I am very close to my siblings and all my cousins and nieces and nephews and I think this idea of a big happy family appealed to me.

however nothing is ever guaranteed so follow your own heart as much as you can.

I’m sure whatever you chose will work out for the best as this is what will be best for you.

Yes! Was unexpected

Thank you. Love how balanced this is. X

I wanted 2 children. When I had my first, I bought all big things in neutral colours to reuse them for my second, regardless of babys gender. My DP and I had a conversation out of the blue one day and decided we wouldn't have anymore children. I always thought that would disappoint me but I actually felt relieved in a weird way. I'm just settled and happy with the decision. My daughter has always been easy. Easy pregnancy with barely any sickness, planned c'section due to her being breach so no labour pains or complications, easy baby who slept through the night from 8 weeks and no terrible 2s (although we are now enduring terrible 3s). I knew that it wouldn't be so easy second time around and I didn't know how I'd cope with a less easy baby plus a toddler when given the easy child I'd been given was still hard enough!

Same, we can't do that again. I would have loved another if we were younger but the thought of going through miscarriages and ivf again is too much. DS is everything to me, I really don't need another one.

The lifestyle suits me. I have one at school now and I get plenty of time to myself as a sahm. I can focus on my DD and ferry her to whatever activities she likes without any clashes or dragging on a sibling. Sit down with her and supervise homework and piano practice and not have to do it for any more children. Much less conflict in the household and easy to accommodate her wishes and my own, no juggling. Nice lifestyle with better holidays, trips and other experiences than we'd afford with more dc. Everything is calm at home and there are very few arguments.

That sounds lovely and very peaceful

My DC is only six months and is the most wonderful amazing little person. I’m so delighted we have her, but I’m utterly exhausted and I cannot imagine doing all of this again.

I feel weirdly guilty about this, as:

• We always wanted two or three.
• I had an uneventful pregnancy and birth.
• We are extremely financially comfortable, so well able to provide for several children.
• We have a lovely large home, so lots of room.
• Are a very loved up and happy couple, who I think are pretty good parents.

So, no reason not to apart from me really not wanting to. DH would love another, but if I were a man, so would I. 🫤

I've got a 4 year old and these are the two main reasons we're sticking with one:

• I can't be arsed going through pregnancy and baby stage again. Pregnancy was hard work and tiring. Birth was painful. Newborn stage, urgh. Not maternal at all.

• I like my own space, time and hobbies. Both DH and I have time consuming hobbies, goals and passions and I don't want to devote my life to bringing up children. I'm a great mum, but our daughter fits around us, not the other way round.

Selfish reasons, but our daughter is happy and we're happy.

Very similar position as you. We have all the same.

Simply not wanting to is a good enough reason.
It's not about what you should or can do, it's about what you want to do.

With respect, I always find it interesting when people in their 20s or 30s with a baby or toddler respond to these threads declaring themselves one and done.

Many people think they are one and done in the midst of dealing with the terrible twos or a threenager then go on to have another.

So I would place more meaning on the posts written by parents with children over 5/6 or women aged over 40 as they are much more likely to actually be one and done.

(Exceptions to every rule of course and all that)

Without knowing the actual conversation it sounds like you have decided together this is what you want and that might always be the case.

But what if in three, four, ten years time one or other of you change your mind? Then it could all get a bit awkward. My (unsolicited) advice is that whilst it is great you are on the same page, make it clear that if either of you feels different in the future they should be able to reopen the conversation, but if you both don’t agree to another then you don’t have another.

Same here

Because Labour was horrific and I had PND for the first year and struggled to bond with ds.
We are happy as a family of three.

Was never maternal and got pregnant by accident. I've loved being a mother to my son and I'm a good one but knew from the moment I found out I was pregnant I'd only have one (despite everybody saying "we'll see...").

My son is 20, happy, confident, popular, driven, smart. I can invest all my resources in him

My DS is nearly an adult and I knew early on he'd be an only. H was lazy, partly he has health issues but there was a fair amount of laziness as well. He promised to change but I wasn't prepared to risk bringing up 2 pretty much on my own.

Plus I wanted to carry on with my career. It would have been really hard with 2 especially as I was doing pretty much everything.

DS has never been lonely, he has a cousin of a similar age and loads of friends. He hates sibling arguments and often says he's pleased he's an only. A friend I volunteer with has 2 and they argue about who looked at each other first! Even now when they're in their teens!

For a long time, I never felt like I was ready for another child in the mix. Enjoyed the family of three vibe. By the time I thought I could possibly do it, DD was 3 or 4. We were getting to the stage of being able to do more interesting stuff with her that’s harder to do with a baby and in terms of the sibling vibe, a 4-5 years gap was too big so no point in that respect either.

Sometimes would she maybe have liked a sibling to play with? Possibly, but there’s no guarantee they would play nicely or get on so I don’t think creating a life just for a bit of company for your other kid is really a good enough reason.

With one we can afford to give her opportunities and the kind of time we wouldn’t be able to with two or more. I’m an only child who sometimes had fleeting ideas of wanting a sibling as a kid but as I’ve got older I’ve seen the benefits of it.

Whilst siblings can be nice, it’s not the utopia it’s believed to be either - my mother hasn’t spoken to her brother in 30 years and doesn’t even know where he is.

I've got one. Conceived via ivf when I was 27. Never got pregnant again despite not using contraception in 12 years.

Tbh I think one dc is massively underrated. My friend with 2 admits she only had second as her dh wanted a boy. Things are tough as dc has SEN.

My dc is a happy confident child who is thriving. We have a lovely (calm and stress free) home and family life. She said to me last night that she loves her life and my heart melted. Dc plays sport competitively and trains 5 times per week so lots of driving! Luckily she has cousins so Xmas and some holidays are some g with them. We have a dog who completed our family.

I have love, time, money and patience to support dc school work, hobbies and social life. I can afford to work pt and tto. I love our daily (long) chats when she comes back from school. I feel she needs me more now than when she was younger. We have a very special relationship that I don't see replicated in the many other families I see with more than one dc.

Ds has a genetic condition and found out I'm the carrier of the gene with 50% chance of another child having the same genetic condition.

Seemed unfair to have another child knowing they had a 50% chance of being disabled. For me that wasn't the same of it being a lottery of birth which for ds it was.

Of If I hadn't have passed it to DS we still wouldn't have known and yes - I would have had more if I could.

I'm 57, had DD at 26 and never wanted another.

Have one DD aged 2. So many reasons we won’t have more:

Time- for ourselves as a couple, we can continue to put a lot of time into supporting each other and nurturing our relationship, to be honest our previously rock solid marriage has taken a hit since DD was born and I’m not sure having a second would allow us to put the work in that we need to. Also For for ourselves alone, we can continue with hobbies or simply have me time whilst the other parent cares for DD. For DD, we will have more time to give her to listen to her and ensure she is supported and her needs are met- I’m sure many parents manage to do this for two or more children but I think I do better one on one.

Money- less childcare costs , less food bills, easier for us to both work full time, less worry over money, can do more experiences with DD and hopefully support her more in adulthood with uni, deposits etc if she wants, can save more and put more in pension, have more holidays, have a cleaner and other things to enhance our lives. More IVF would be expensive.

Energy- have less drudgery (cleaning, washing, cooking etc find it hard enough with one) not having to devote more energy to IVF, more peaceful home, less chance of being burnt out and a lower mental load.

Health- less chance of birth injuries, PND, pelvic floor issues, breastfeeding related issues, pregnancy related weight gain, not having to go through morning sickness again, better peace of mind and less stressed, avoiding further IVF injections, procedures, medications and potential miscarriages. Can focus on treating my endometriosis now rather than putting that on the back burner to TTC. DH has mental health issues he currently usually copes well but which are aggravated the more stress we put in the mix. Worry over a potential second having health issues and impact of that on DD.

Age- just personally for me I don’t want to be older than I am now having a child and I don’t want one now, Should hopefully still be relatively young and healthy when DD reaches adulthood.

Environment.

This goes for me too. I'm one of three, and I love spending time with families etc but for me personally it was one and done.

I hated pretty much every aspect of pregnancy and early parenthood. Why would I do it again.

Should also add, nobody has ever criticised my decision or judged me, or called me selfish. I don't think many people are actually arsed about how many kids other people have, beyond casual banter.