To ask why you chose to stick with just one DC

[adotonthespectrum]

Curious. After lots of soul searching we think practically this would be best for our family but the biggest factor keeping us on the fence is that we wouldn’t want them to be lonely and miss out on valuable life lessons that a sibling can bring.

Every other reason though points towards having one for us: finances are FAR easier (childcare is so extortionate!), energy, time for one another, maintaining careers, house size, providing support for DC when they become an adult with things like house deposit, driving lessons, uni, wedding

It’s so tricky to know what’s best and what you will/won’t regret

It was a mix of lifestyle choice (I love travel and want to easily pack and just go without being outnumbered), valuing my sanity, not being particularly maternal. Also the argument for siblings never held water for me (I’m an only child who enjoyed their childhood/ life a lot and didn’t feel short changed due to lack of sibling).

It’s good to hear from an only child that you don’t feel you missed out

Because I absolutely hated being pregnant followed by 6 months of dealing with a colicky baby that hardly slept. If I could have skipped all that and gone straight to toddler phase then I might have had another. The birth - 6months almost broke me and there was no way I was going to risk having to do all that again.

I’m undecided like you. I have a pros and cons list:

cons:

I am physically damaged in quite significant ways from birth and this would likely get worse if I had a second

I hated being pregnant

I felt like I nearly died from sleep deprivation in the first year when my baby would wake up screaming every hour of the night without fail

I had terrible post partum anxiety

We can afford private school, good holidays etc with one but would struggle to do so with two

pros:

after the first year things got so much easier and my son now is the most perfect delight. I have so much fun with him, he’s so enjoyable to be around. If I could be given baby #2 at 12 months I wouldn’t hesitate

I’m good at parenting and I find it very fulfilling

I have very close and loving relationships with my siblings and would hate to be without them. I would like my son to have the opportunity of the same.

The cons list is longer than the pros but the pros are more powerful. It’s a very difficult choice. I would mourn not having a second, but I also don’t know how would get through another ‘year one’, especially with another child to look after too.

I don’t know how to make the decision!

DH's mental health is in a dreadful way at the moment and has been since I fell pregnant with our (very much planned and wanted) child 3 years ago. Sadly his depression has really taken its toll on our marriage, and getting pregnant and throwing a newborn into the mix at the moment frankly feels irresponsible, even though I would love to have had a second baby. Unfortunately I'm now 40 so waiting for things to improve is not an option. So it looks like we are one and done. I think people assume I'm sticking at one because I want to pursue my career or travel, or because I don't seem like a maternal type but actually that's not the reason at all. I would have loved a full and chaotic house with multiple kids.
The other thing is that DC didn't sleep through for nearly two years and I had really bad pelvic floor damage as he was a very large baby and a long labour. I've actually healed way better than I feared I would, but I don't know if i would be so lucky a second time round.... Or that I could handle that level of injury AND sleep deprivation with another young child to care for as well as the newborn. Maybe if I lived in a massive extended family with loads of help so I could rest and heal after the birth, or a DH who was better equipped to handle providing support in the postpartum period, but that is not the world we live in....

For us, it was a mixture of things.

The birth was traumatic - long labour and emergency c-section. DS was fine but I was badly anaemic and needed 2 pints of blood transfusing post surgery.

DS was not an easy baby and the first 18 months were extremely challenging- he didn't sleep and seemed to need constant entertainment/attention. It got vastly easier after that and from 3 onwards I have loved being a mum (he is 10 next week).

DH is quite a lot older than me so that was a factor.

We are comfortable financially with one and can provide everything needed plus things like holidays.

Our local secondary has gone downhill and we are possibly looking at private now - no way could we afford to do that with 2+ children.

I have no regrets - DS is very happy. Bright, plenty of friends etc. We love our unit of 3 and I honestly wouldn't want it any other way.

I have a very peaceful life with one, for all the reasons you mention. DD is such a happy, confident, sociable,secure child. I'm a brilliant mother to one but i wouldn't be to two! My friends with two children, they are happy but I couldn't take the chaos. I would rather put extra effort into arranging opportunities for her to spend time with other children than have a second.

Second pregnancy was ectopic, and we decided that due to our age that was our last chance.

So hard to choose isn’t it.

We were ambivalent about having any, so one is an achievement. My pregnancy and birth were straightforward but I can't imagine choosing to go through that again. My daughter is 3 and is a pretty easy child but throwing a newborn into the mix would alter the family dynamic to a detrimental effect. We can afford lots of activities, and to travel. We don't have any family support nearby to help with childcare. Having an only was t really a conscious decision- it's just how it was going to be if that makes sense.

We have just the one DD (7).
Reasons for this are financial, we have a comfortable life and enjoy holidays etc. We didn’t want to stretch ourselves having another child and not being able to give them so many nice experiences.

Childcare - we are lucky to have both sets of grandparents keen to look after DD so we can have weekends away etc. That would become much harder to organise with more children.

Work - I can quite easily fit DD various school plays/clubs/swimming around my WFH job. Again this would be much harder with more children.

I am an only child and my mum is also an only child so it is very normal to me. I had a lovely time growing up and never wanted a sibling as I saw my best friends and their sisters fight so much.

Money
My age
Awful birth
Too many people on the planet already

Always thought I wanted 2 children but needed IVF to have DD and wasn’t going to go through that again!
Now she’s 5, I love having just one.
She gets all our attention, can afford for her to do several hobbies, easy for us to take it in turns for some downtime and the 3 of us are so close. I spend time with friends who have more than one and it all seems so chaotic! Not for me!
I think having one is the best!

@adotonthespectrum I had one cycle on the nhs which resulted in a miscarriage. None of my cycles ever produced enough embryos to have anything frozen, so every attempt was the cost of a full cycle, plus all the medication and testing. It’s ridiculous! I can’t ever put myself through it again.

Because the one we do have cost almost 50k to make!

Had one and happy with my life as it’s going - I have so many other things to focus on that I’m grateful with one.

plus raising children in the city is pricy.

For me personally if someone’s reasoning is having another child because they want their only child to have a sibling I say DO NOT DO IT! That is not a good enough reason.

If you reason was because you really want another, you think you could afford it, you have the space etc I’d say do it but from your OP I think right now the answer should be a no.

I only have one. We just couldn't manage work and childcare as don't have much support. I was worried about the same thing, but then I'm not close to my brother at all.

I think it may be more valuable to ask why people had more than one

For us, a combination of factors:

6 Year fertility struggle to have our DS (2) involving significant trauma: struggle to conceive, treatment for pre-cancerous cell changes after routine smear test, miscarriages when we eventually did conceive, disastrous round of IVF on the NHS which ended up in my developing sepsis and nearly dying, then finally private IVF during the pandemic at a cost of £££

Result of long delay being that I was 39 and DH 46 when DS was born so we would
be significantly older parents and DH says he feels too old for another

Significant PPH when DS was 6 days old which resulted in my losing at least 2.5 litres of blood, being blue lighted to hospital in the middle of the night and needing emergency surgery and blood transfusion… am lucky to be here. Would be at risk of another PPH if we had a second. DH traumatised by this and struggled with mental health in first few months after our son born

No family support with childcare

We can afford lots of extra mural activities for 1 and possibly private school which we wouldn’t be able to do with 2.

Everything you mention, finances, cost of childcare, living space, the thought of doing it all again. I honestly don't think I can handle anymore sleepless nights. My DS is constantly ill.. I'm always having to stay off work to take care of him it depends how much support you have around you also. I can't say I've enjoyed being a parent enough to want to do it again sadly

I understand what you mean! My cousins toddler DC is always poorly

I only have one DC. And I don't plan on having anymore. He has ASD, which obviously comes with its own challenges. I don't think he's missing out on anything. Has plenty of cousins he sees regularly and it means I can focus my attention on him and only him. He's 7. Also makes birthdays and Christmas easier

All of the reasons you listed in your OP. DS is 22, we've helped with driving lessons, uni, house deposit. We could never have done this with more DC. Also our house is too small for more than one.
I think he's well adjusted enough...living with gf, decent friend group, graduate etc etc. And as pp have said, I have a brother but barely see him/ speak to him and had very little in common as children/ teenagers.

Yabu.