To ask why you chose to stick with just one DC

[adotonthespectrum]

Curious. After lots of soul searching we think practically this would be best for our family but the biggest factor keeping us on the fence is that we wouldn’t want them to be lonely and miss out on valuable life lessons that a sibling can bring.

Every other reason though points towards having one for us: finances are FAR easier (childcare is so extortionate!), energy, time for one another, maintaining careers, house size, providing support for DC when they become an adult with things like house deposit, driving lessons, uni, wedding

It’s so tricky to know what’s best and what you will/won’t regret

You don't need a reason, although plenty. It's your choice and no one else's business. Pretty appalled anyone would challenge you on it. Odd that having more than 1 is seen as the 'norm'. You are also doing the planet a favour by having one.

We have one for all of the reasons you've mentioned, we have a nice comfortable life, DS can have lots of opportunities and our undivided time and attention. Holidays, activities etc can be geared towards his age group and we don't have to worry about different needs and interests ( DNs have a 5 year age gap). He has cousins, we have some friends with children, he has lots of friends of his own. He is confident and sociable. We do make maybe more effort than parents with multiple children to make sure he has extra curricular activities and opportunities to play with other children, but he also is happy in his own company.

DH is a happy only too. I have a sibling and we get along fine but we're very different people, wouldn't likely be friends if not related and there's not a hope in hell he'll be of any help/support if it gets to a time when our parents' health is ailing.

I also had a really horrific labour, needed a blood transfusion etc and I don't think I could go through that again. I also had SPD, PGP and gestational diabetes during pregnancy. Not much fun.

Couldn't afford more than one. Couldn't afford the one I had to be honest as me and his dad split up and even now I'm reliant on UC top ups despite working full time.

I'm an only child myself and was never lonely so I never felt guilty about DS being an only.

Numerous reasons already listed above (time,money etc) but a big one was not wanting to roll the dice again once we had one healthy child, having seen a couple of people I know have severely disabled children.

I’m so damn grateful for what I have.

I couldn't do giving birth or the newborn bit again, found it really awful.

But also finances, peace, etc as others have said.

Someone upthread said something about cutting your cloth to have a second. But I don't want to. I want DD to live in a decent sized house in a nice area with a good catchment school. I want to travel with her to lots of interesting places, have her do lots of enriching extracurriculars, be able to afford tutors and and when needed (currently 11+ prepping). Without having to do the maths to work out if I can afford it for a second child.

Skint, small house, few health issues in the pregnancy and at the newborn stage requiring emergency heart surgery. We got lucky with one now healthy 4 year old I'm not going to roll the dice again.

Age, finances, lack of local family support and no burning desire to have a second.

It was the right decision for us. I can relate to the poster above who talked about being a tight unit. We do a lot of things together and have fun together (DD is now 13). I hope we can continue to have fun together as she gets older but also mindful that she now prefers to spend a lot of her time with friends rather than us. I'm pleased for her. She is a sociable and friendly soul.

A lot of people project their own issues about 'being alone' or fear of loneliness onto the only child. You only have to look at the number of people who stick with incompatible, even abusive partners, because they prefer that to potentially being on their 'own'. So watch out for that!

We are open with her about our decision to not have any more children and we talk about what it might have been like to have siblings, the good and the bad. talk about the future with her and how I rely on my sister for a lot of emotional support and she won't have that as an adult. I encourage her to always have good friends in her life and to keep close to her cousins if that is a relationship she enjoys and wants to maintain so that she has supportive people around her who are family and non family.

Good luck with your decision!

I was 42 when I had DD and a single parent 3 years later. I didn't want to do it all again .

Yes, it was me, I’m not sure I want to cut my cloth for the same reasons as you but everyone IRL says ‘it’s just what people have to do’. Is it??

Quite a few reasons, but the main one being we just didn't really 'want' another, there was no actual desire for another. We did a bit of should we/shouldn't we, and realised that it wasn't for us. DD is 12 now but when she was between about 2 and 5 we vaguely thought about it but decided ultimately, there was kind of no reason to have another, and plenty of reasons not do.

Reasons for me:

Difficult pregnancy and post-natal depression/anxiety rather messed me up for well over a year, didn't want that again, with an older child to witness it.

Both sets of GPs helped with quite a bit of childcare, but probably couldn't/wouldn't again due to age/health, and so work and childcare but be a lot more complicated.

We both work full time, and there is a feeling that we cling onto sense and sanity quite a bit of the time....add in another child and I don't think any of us would be better people.

Not natural parents really, we adore DD, but I can't deny that we did not enjoy the young baby phase and have enjoyed moving forwards with milestones and new experiences, and really just couldn't face going back to the beginning.

DD has a lovely life, we have been able to give her so much that she wouldn't have if we had another child.

Because they're exhausting and expensive and my body was rubbish at pregnancy/birth. He's 19 now and I'm so glad I only have the one to put through university. Teenagers are unbelievably expensive.

Cheers for this you make some really good points :-)

I have two children, but a very long gap he was aged 12 when I had my second. He often says that he likes having the close relationship with both his parents of being an only child for so long. He’s got loads of really close mates and is highly sociable. It also gave me time to really focus on his needs for a long time, which I think was very beneficial for things like sorting out problems at school etc. He said he’s got some friends in big families and he says that some of them he feels sorry for, as they don’t have a very close relationship with siblings or parents.

So if it’s best for your family, it’s best all around.

As others have said - financial, logistical, practical. But other reasons too such as I'm an only child and never imagined having more than one. DH would have loved more and comes from a big family and his rational was DD having company. I called BS on that given his family barely say 2 words to each other every 6 months! But he is more than happy with just one now and we've hit a beautiful spot with DD where she's great company and neither of us want to go back several stages!

It isn't 'seen as the norm' though. It just IS the norm, statistically speaking.

I only ever wanted one 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm an only (well, was, I gained a half sister at 15, who I love to pieces but never had a very sisterly relationship with), both parents are onlys, DH has a massive age gap with his brother so has a similar situation to me. It's all I've ever known and all I ever imagined.

Don't think there's anything wrong in it, any more than there's anything wrong in wanting 2, 3 or 9.

Infertility battle took 7y of my life. After I barely survived giving birth to DD - neither one of us wanted to risk it again, plus we felt we would be really pushing it, almost ungratefully so, after we came out of that battle with a healthy child. She's an only and will remain an only. I sometimes feel the desire for the second but quickly remind myself why that wouldn't be a good idea... and the older DD gets, the easier it is. She is a much loved child with a lot of opportunities to socialise and she has never voiced a desire for a sibling. If she does, we'll be honest with her. Both DH and I have a sibling each and they're not people either one of us would choose as a friend.

In addition to the reasons you list, I don't want a house of kids tearing lumps out of each other and playing everyone off against each other. For me, one child is a nice dynamic.

I’m so sorry to hear your struggle but glad you have your lovely girl.

It’s cost £30k in ivf just to get pregnant with my first. Definitely not having another.

I echo most of what has already been posted. We tried for 4 years and the one we had was a real miracle. I would have been TTC a second at age 40 with IVF which I really didn't want to do.
I hated the toddler years. I felt suffocated and traumatised almost by the relentlessness of it. I no way wanted to repeat that.
I'm a much better, more patient mum to one than I would be to two.
We have a fairly comfortable life. DS goes to a private school as our local secondary is not great. We couldn't do that if we had two.
I don't particularly get on with my siblings and my DH's brother stays in America so we don't see him much.
My DS made me a mum and I didn't need a second.

Oh wow!! That’s shocking. Were you not entitled to any on the NHS?

I wasn’t even that bothered about having one if I’m honest. Not naturally maternal and like peace and quiet which isn’t really compatible with having children. Ex-DH was desperate to be a dad though so I relented.

Had a horrible pregnancy followed by a rotten birth and realised that I wasn’t cut out to be a mum. Don’t get me wrong, DS is very much loved and he wanted for absolutely nothing but I hated the newborn stage, and couldn’t get to grips with the sudden restrictions on my life.

However DS is now at uni, we have a great relationship and I’m really glad he’s in my life.

I only had one due to the reasons that have been talked about - lifestyle, travel, jobs, finances and I was happy with one as didn't want a girl. Now I regret it as wish he had some siblings to bounce off.

All our reasons have been mentioned in various combinations. DD is 13 now and I'm 50, so she'll always be an only. I never wanted another, and had crippling PGP in pregnancy - was advised I would probably have to use a wheelchair at least for a while if I had a second. I'm also the breadwinner and was worried about the impact of a second mat leave on my career. DH would quite have liked a second but didn't feel strongly enough to push the argument, and now he agrees that we were better off stopping at one.

I'm close to my sister, and I'm sad DD won't have that - but it's such a lottery and I might have landed DD with a sibling she couldn't stand. She's very sociable, much more than I was at her age, so I don't think she's losing out by not having another child at home.