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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad seeing a 7 week old baby at DC's nursery today

999 replies

comfysketchers · 20/11/2023 14:35

Dropping my 15 month old off at nursery today before work and there was another woman there at the same time handing over a 7 week old sleeping baby.

He was absolutely tiny and I just felt so sad looking at him thinking that he barely even knows he is out of the womb and his mum is dropping him off to spend all day with strangers in a noisy nursery environment.

I should also add that I live in a country that has excellent parental leave from the government plus most private companies pay at least 10 weeks of full pay on top of that, with many paying much more than that.

YABU - It’s perfectly normal for a 7 week old baby to spend 8 hours per day in a nursery.

YANBU - A 7 week old baby should be at home with its mum.

OP posts:
momtoboys · 20/11/2023 15:35

Judgmental, party of one...your table is ready.

updownleftrightstart · 20/11/2023 15:35

toastofthetown · 20/11/2023 14:36

What option do I vote for to indicate that it’s none of your business?

This!
Of course it's not 'perfectly normal' but I am sure there is a very valid reason why she is dropping her baby there and she could do without people like you judging

luckylavender · 20/11/2023 15:35

tescocreditcard · 20/11/2023 15:32

I agree with you OP in that I also think 7 weeks (and 15 months for that matter) is too young to be in daycare all day.

As an aside, I have noticed a small shift away from using daycare and more mothers staying at home till their child is in school. I guess now that we have to work until we are 67, 5 years out of the workplace in a 50 year working career isn't really going to do all that much damage to our careers anyway. Plus i've always been a bit suspicious of the myth that being out of the workplace for a few years is career suicide. I think the goverment is just peddling that myth because it wants women to be economically active.

This is such backward thinking.

MrsCarson · 20/11/2023 15:35

10 weeks may well be up once baby is 7 weeks old. She might have been off three weeks before birth for all you know.
Don't judge her, she's probably having a hard time dropping off as it is.
I went back at 8 weeks with my first, he was tiny but was lucky enough that my MIL had him and had to shove me out the door to work as I wanted to wake him up to say goodbye 🙄

SoddingWeddings · 20/11/2023 15:36

My colleagues put her baby into nursery from 4wks. She had horrific PPD, a lifelong battle with anorexia and couldn't cope when her boyfriend fucked off and left her at 5mths pregnant nevermind with a newborn and her anorexia overtaking her again. This was literally the only thing that saved her from killing herself and possibly taking her daughter with her. She had no family to support her before people start on that.

Imagine, having a nice Landrover Defender to drive to nursery doesn't stop you from having shit in your life that people can't see.

elliejjtiny · 20/11/2023 15:36

In an ideal world it would be best for a baby this age to be with their mum. However this isn't an idea world and we have no idea why the mum needs to use a nursery. Maybe she is ill, maybe the baby has a sibling in hospital, maybe she has a disability, maybe the dad just died and she can't cope. So many reasons.

lostonmars · 20/11/2023 15:36

I agree it's not ideal, but you have no idea of the circumstances. The fact that you're purposefully ignoring every message that suggests what these circumstances could be is very telling. Not your place to judge.

Fionaville · 20/11/2023 15:36

YANBU I think it's really sad. I hate that we are living in a society that doesn't see this as a big deal. It's a very sad sign of the times for baby and mum.

WinterDeWinter · 20/11/2023 15:36

Nicknacky · 20/11/2023 15:33

Why do you need to “speak up” about something you know fuck all about?

Show quote history

I know about babies’ emotional / neurological development.

You’re saying I shouldn’t speak up for that baby.

why are you all so keen that I don’t?

myotherkidisacassowary · 20/11/2023 15:37

alkinetyh · 20/11/2023 14:57

I am reminded of that poem that says 'no one puts their child in a boat unless the boat is safer than land'. I think we can assume that in almost all scenarios, no one would put their 7 week old baby in daycare unless that was literally their only option.

The fact the OP feels the need to call out that there are good government benefits implies that the OP feels that this is likely to be a selfish choice, not one driven by economic hardship.

I'd agree with others that this overlooks the many other circumstances (many of them not financial and so would not be impacted by local benefits or otherwise) that could lead to this being the only option for a mother who herself is likely still recovering from childbirth. Even financial circumstances - benefits likely not to apply to, for example, refugees or people who weren't in their job long enough when they got pregnant etc.

It really is sad for both mother and child. I hope the OP can reflect how lucky she is that she has never been in a situation where she has had to make similar choices.

That poem is about refugees, don’t cheapen it by suggesting parents using childcare are even remotely in the same situation.

I’m fully aware that some parents are forced to put their children in childcare earlier than they would like, but to suggest it’s equivalent to people undertaking desperate journeys because they’re fleeing danger is fucking stupid.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 20/11/2023 15:37

comfysketchers · 20/11/2023 14:51

@Hibiscrubbed

My opinion is that it's a form of neglect to leave a baby that young in a childcare centre.

I hate leaving my DC but there's a massive difference between leaving a toddler and leaving a newborn

To be fair, leaving a 15m old is not ideal either.

luckylavender · 20/11/2023 15:37

Also abuse would happen far more easily in a domestic setting.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 20/11/2023 15:38

Queucumber · 20/11/2023 14:42

You do realise that some people would look at your 15 month old and say exactly the same thing?

I was thinking this (not my opinion, but that others could look at op and judge). Where I live, it's normal for many mothers to take 3 years off work. I heard a conversation in the changing rooms last week at our tumble tots of two mothers not understanding "why you wouldn't stay home with your children until 3, they are only young once."

Unless children are being neglected or abused, we need to leave other parents alone and stop judging everything.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 20/11/2023 15:38

WinterDeWinter · 20/11/2023 15:23

‘You do you’ Jesus. None of you seem to have any sense of collective responsibility towards the vulnerable.

if we all had that attitude we’d still have child labour and forced marriage.

yes, there may be circumstances beyond the mothers control but that doesn’t make it right.

So what’s the answer then if there’s circumstances beyond the mother’s/parents’ control and no alternative?

it must be amazing to have had such a perfect existence and be such a perfect parent

Thegoodbadandugly · 20/11/2023 15:38

Gossiping with the staff is not very nice either, maybe one day karma will come back and bite you on the ass!

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/11/2023 15:39

comfysketchers · 20/11/2023 14:51

@Hibiscrubbed

My opinion is that it's a form of neglect to leave a baby that young in a childcare centre.

I hate leaving my DC but there's a massive difference between leaving a toddler and leaving a newborn

@comfysketchers

what do you suggest that the mother do Op if she HAS to go go back to keep her job?

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/11/2023 15:39

Surely it's a good nursery or you wouldn't send your own DC there? There's nothing sad about a loving parent using good quality childcare be it at 7 weeks or 15 months.

The only exception is if she doesn't have a choice, it is sad when parents don't get a choice.

I went back to work when my DC was 12 weeks by choice. Everyone is different, including mothers.

Original poster
comfysketchers · 20/11/2023 15:40

@Blackandwhitemakesgrey

No leaving a 15 month old isint ideal either, the country I live in has generous parental leave but not that generous. I am back at work two days per week now.

OP posts:
kittensinthekitchen · 20/11/2023 15:40

Oh look at that.... no previous posts?

CharlotteBog · 20/11/2023 15:40

When I had DS1 I worked for a company that gave such sort Mat leave that I had to return to work full time when DS was 8 weeks old.

It was an on site nursery so he was not the only one. I don't know whether other people felt sad for him. I was able to BF at lunch time, co-slept for years and continued to BF until he self-weaned at 3 1/2. I felt fortunate to be able to continue doing the one thing that only I could do.

He is now 24 and we are very close, he is a well adjusted, happy adult making his own way in the world.

Your YABU is provocative - we all know it's not 'normal' for such young infants to spend so long in a daycare environment.

WinterDeWinter · 20/11/2023 15:41

luckylavender · 20/11/2023 15:35

This is such backward thinking.

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Well I guess it’s backwards if you define progress as untethered capitalism crushing all human needs under its wheel.

it’s not backwards if you put humans at the centre.

Cosywintertime · 20/11/2023 15:41

WinterDeWinter · 20/11/2023 15:36

I know about babies’ emotional / neurological development.

You’re saying I shouldn’t speak up for that baby.

why are you all so keen that I don’t?

Show quote history

No one is this obtuse, so lacking in empathy or understanding.

the reason is you don’t have a clue why that child is in nursery , not one fucking clue.

pontipinemum · 20/11/2023 15:42

Nicknacky · 20/11/2023 14:58

She said it’s a form of neglect. How is that judging the mother?

Show quote history

Ah sorry, didn't read that update. It is in no way neglect and that is very judgemental of the mother

I still think it is a sad situation for mother and baby though.

Cosywintertime · 20/11/2023 15:42

WinterDeWinter · 20/11/2023 15:41

Well I guess it’s backwards if you define progress as untethered capitalism crushing all human needs under its wheel.

it’s not backwards if you put humans at the centre.

Show quote history

It is backwards. Can I ask your age? I am going to assume you are elderly and did not work and assume all women should be like you?

Igglepiggleandhisboat · 20/11/2023 15:43

I remember overhearing a conversation about me when I went back to work when DC1 was 6 months. The two colleagues didn’t realise I was in the toilet cubicle. They were talking about how they could never leave their baby. I was finding it so hard but had no choice. I cried and cried when they went.