To feel sad seeing a 7 week old baby at DC's nursery today

[comfysketchers]

Dropping my 15 month old off at nursery today before work and there was another woman there at the same time handing over a 7 week old sleeping baby.

He was absolutely tiny and I just felt so sad looking at him thinking that he barely even knows he is out of the womb and his mum is dropping him off to spend all day with strangers in a noisy nursery environment.

I should also add that I live in a country that has excellent parental leave from the government plus most private companies pay at least 10 weeks of full pay on top of that, with many paying much more than that.

YABU - It’s perfectly normal for a 7 week old baby to spend 8 hours per day in a nursery.

YANBU - A 7 week old baby should be at home with its mum.

Haven’t read all the replies but if I hadn’t put my 6 week old into nursery so I could go back to work I would have killed myself. She was a much wanted baby in a 5 year relationship but I completely underestimated how difficult having a baby actually was and hated every single second of it all. I developed severe post natal depression and was put on a dose of anti depressants they don’t even prescribe nowadays. (This was 20 years ago). Going back to work literally saved my sanity and dd was well cared for. She is now an amazing 20 year old, very social and happy and in her third year of university, living the dream as it were. We have a great relationship. Putting her in nursery made no difference whatsoever except in a positive way.

(I went on to have another child ten years after that and was in a better headspace and stayed at home indefinitely after that. Very strange but just shows how pnd can affect people).

Did you really find it that difficult to bond with your children? Mine went to nursery at 6 months and have never had any problems forming bonds with me and their dad.

@SouthLondonMum22 it was a choice for me and it sounds like it was a choice for you, too.

Is it that difficult to accept that for some people they may not have a choice?

Yes.

I mean why do I think the child your dropped off is your first child and your a first time mum ?

Needless to say to I don't think all first time mums are this dickish.

Maybe she's got a prolapse vagina, maybe she's just lost her partner and is struggling, maybe she had PND and off to therapy to get herself some help. Maybe the baby collicky and she hasn't slept in 48hrs and a single mum and the only help she can get is paid

It could be a number of sodding reasons and all of them don't need explaining to you.

Form of fucking abuse. Fuck me god I hope that mum doesn't see this post on here and feel more shit than she already does.

Implying you are more sad about whatever situation has lead this mum to handing over her baby to a reputable childcare setting than the actual mum speaks to the nature of your character and if I was you I would watch that doesn't rub off on your own little darling.

Please can you share this evidence?

I can relate

Fuck you and your judgement!

I changed jobs when I was pregnant and didn't know. So only had 6 weeks stat pay.

Single parent, mortgage to pay. No family.

What was I supposed to do?

I'm going to stop typing now before I get very rude.

For your information he's a strapping healthy 20 year old who loves his mum!

My third in 20 years. That's how angry I am! ;)

What a load of judgmental wank coming from the OP and other posters.

You cannot know other people's lives.

It doesn't matter how much evidence you produce about attachment and child bonds etc - you simply cannot know what motivates other people's decisions.

And whoever said it's child abuse is talking bollocks.

I would be extremely concerned about attachment issues to be honest. The employees in a nursery are too transient and it is essential for a baby’s development to develop a bond with a main caregiver at this age.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6666355/

I disagree. I think that if we all got together and said this is not okay - and weren’t silenced by fear of being accused of being judgemental at an individual level - then things would change, through legislation and taxation.

this whole ‘don’t judge’ thing just ends in a race to the bottom. Change comes about because people say some things are Bad.

Of course not.

That's what is sad and unfortunate that not everyone gets a choice. I feel incredibly lucky I got a choice and will have a choice this time too.

It’s absolutely non of your business. You have no idea of that child’s parent or carers circumstances, and you therefore have no right to any sort of judgement or criticism.
Why were you talking to the staff about it?

Feel sad all you want about it, but that should be a private thought that you definitely don’t share.

So just so I understand. If I'd dropped off a 7 week old because I had cancer and needed treatment/had PND needed treatment/had a partner with cancer who I needed to take to treatment/had another child with cancer who was getting treatment/had to escape abuse - you'd think that was sad? You'd not think I was doing the right thing for all the people on my life and the baby would be fine in legal childcare, you'd be sad that I wasn't doing parenting according to your arbitrary standard?

I had to send a 10 year old away when they were having cancer treatment. Does that make you sad too? Wanna judge the fuck out of me for that an all?

Unless you want to pay their bills stop judging their choices.

Btw to all the mums who are now feeling like shit because of this post.

Remember opinions are like arseholes and everyone has one. And I say this as a mum who was lucky enough to take two sets of mat leave about 14months each time.

To the people feeling superior and clasping "your pearls at the shock of this" - you need therapy.

Who said “woman”? I said “parent”. Fathers can look after children too. And looking after children is work - just work that ‘s undervalued.

Plenty of people have two children and are at home for those early years. The government paying other people to look after people’s children seems strange. Why not ‘pay’ the parent to do that or make it financially easier?

What???

As in silencing others with a perfectly reasonable observation and reaction?

No - sorry - we share all views, whether you agree with them or not.

Question for you....

You planned you pregnancy perfectly. Wealthy DH so you can stay home and be the perfect mother. Wonderful. You're 8 months pregnant. DH loses very well paid job. No one else will hire him cos....shit market. He runs off with the mistress you didn't know about. Baby comes along, you have zero money because DH emptied the accounts. How do you earn money?

Some people have unplanned pregnancies. That changes their plans for their future.

Some people plan them so meticulously that their baby is born in the month they desire.

Some people plan a pregnancy and then all their plans fall apart.

Some people are ridiculously lucky (you must fall in here) and everything goes to plan. However then their world view is skewed and they can't imagine any circumstances different to their own and so they judge other women on theirs.

That is why everyone is saying mind your own business. Not because we don't care. But because everyone has different circumstances and is just doing their best.

Of course that's sad. It's undeniably sad for the mother to have to leave their baby so young and for the baby to be left in the care of non-relatives.

Who cares if it was a social worker dropping them off, that makes it even sadder for the baby.

Baby's that young need their parents and a primary care giver. Not a nursery.

And yes, that's a judgement. I'm not scared of having judgements; I have many. As does everyone!

So just so I understand. If I'd dropped off a 7 week old because I had cancer and needed treatment/had PND needed treatment/had a partner with cancer who I needed to take to treatment/had another child with cancer who was getting treatment/had to escape abuse - you'd think that was sad? You'd not think I was doing the right thing for all the people on my life and the baby would be fine in legal childcare, you'd be sad that I wasn't doing parenting according to your arbitrary standard?

I had to send a 10 year old away when they were having cancer treatment. Does that make you sad too? Wanna judge the fuck out of me for that an all?

@lasswibenefits That is all very sad though. Which isn't to judge you at all- I mean sad as in an unfortunate circumstance for you all.

Incredible how many posters assert that the markers of an affluent lifestyle - cricket, skiing, top uni, fluent in several languages - are a sure indication that a teenager is undamaged.

Yes I think it’s really sad for the baby, that’s doesn’t mean I’m judging anyone but I still think it’s sad.

The two options are ;

1. loving parents who have very little other options for various reasons other people have pointed out (work / disability / mental illness / family circumstances)

OR

2. they’re shitty parents (that’s both parents by the way, because I notice you are of course only judging the mother and no mention of daddy dearest) and if that’s the case… surely the baby is better off at nursery? Or would you rather baby is ignored at home? At least at nursery it’ll get attention

also it’s okay to think it but posting this is a dick move

Everyone is doing their best? That's incredibly naive. Do you always think parents do their best?

They don't. And sometimes, doing your best isn't good enough. Sad, but true.

To allow any kind of parenting due to "doing their best" is crazy. What about the rights of the child to have a decent childhood?