To feel sad seeing a 7 week old baby at DC's nursery today

[comfysketchers]

Dropping my 15 month old off at nursery today before work and there was another woman there at the same time handing over a 7 week old sleeping baby.

He was absolutely tiny and I just felt so sad looking at him thinking that he barely even knows he is out of the womb and his mum is dropping him off to spend all day with strangers in a noisy nursery environment.

I should also add that I live in a country that has excellent parental leave from the government plus most private companies pay at least 10 weeks of full pay on top of that, with many paying much more than that.

YABU - It’s perfectly normal for a 7 week old baby to spend 8 hours per day in a nursery.

YANBU - A 7 week old baby should be at home with its mum.

Yes I can’t imagine wanting to put my 7 week old in nursery as I’ve been both fortunate enough to not have to do this in addition to finding caring for my newborn very fulfilling. However as long as she’s arranging good care for the child then you have no right to judge. It could be she had to return to work (I work in healthcare and you would be surprised by the number of mums saying they can’t afford to take maternity leave). It could be she is in a job or on a course it would be very difficult to take maternity leave from. It could be she really doesn’t enjoy this phase, win win all round, baby gets good care and mother less unhappy. It doesn’t mean she is a rubbish mother, the opposite she’s opting for the inevitable wrath and judgement of people like you to ensure her child is well cared for during nursery hours and hopefully also leaving herself with the energy and sanity to be able to care for her child the rest of the time. She might be an amazing hands on mother to her 6 year old but the main thing is she is clearly has the wisdom to put her child’s best interests first as it would be so much easier to sit in the privacy of her own home letting her mental health or finances go to pot

It’s not unreasonable to feel sad for the baby but I feel more sad for womenkind as there is no ‘right’ answer here.

There is an inherent clash between a mother’s rights as a woman and a baby’s.

There is also an inherent sexism derived from the fact that mothers provide so many of the biological-based care that a baby needs. We generally are the ones who carry the baby, feed/breastfeed the baby and provide the huge majority of the infant care. Even where we outsource this, it’s generally to other women: surrogate mothers, nursery staff, nannies, grandmothers etc.

We’ve fought for the right to work outside the home; we’ve fought for the right to be defined as individuals and not just mothers. If we truly cared about women, we would have a world where mothers could always put their own needs first.

And yet children are vulnerable and have extensive, time-intensive needs and thrive on huge quantities of attention and love. If we truly cared for children, we would have a world where a child’s needs could be perfectly met.

In an dreamworld we could have both a wonderful, fulfilling career AND have plenty of quality time with our children for as long as we (and they) need. We would never money worries, we would have endless childcare support from wonderful family who love our children as their own and have nothing better to do than dedicate themselves to us, and our partners would bear at least 50% of the childcare, emotional load and housework. Mothers caring for their infants would be a true choice and neither foisted upon us by a patriarchal society nor denied us by economical pressures.

But let’s get real. That’s unlikely to ever be possible.

So mothers will always have to find compromises, make sacrifices, feel guilt at either spending too much or too little time with our little ones. Men will blame us and judge us no matter what we do, society will too.

So… what I’m saying in a long-winded way is that you’re not being unreasonable to feel your heart-strings pull for a tiny baby, but it would also reasonable to understand that there may be a million reasons why nursery is the best compromise for this baby and its family at this time.

The fourth trimester is utter drivel designed to keep women in their place attached to the baby and in the home.

Babies historically were raised by extended family, siblings, nurses etc as well as their mothers. Mother and baby weren't clingfilmed together from day one.

The human race survived somehow.

It is disgusting @Neriah

I had an older one with cancer - I had to beg favours off half the country at times. If I'd had a 7 week old, I might have had to put them in daycare. As it was I had a 10 day old on one of the surgery days and I had to take them with me because I was BF and there was no one to look after them - guessing that makes me a shit mum. FFS

It absolutely is a choice. I took 12 weeks, I was more than ready to go back to work at that point.

My point was that this judgement is often cultural, it is more usual for babies to go to nursery at 9+ months because that's when maternity leave ends but in America, it would be completely normal for a 7 week old to be in nursery so no one is going to be calling them neglectful or claiming that they should've never had kids.

We are all hugely influenced by societal norms.

When I first started in Childcare, 31 years ago, the maternity leave was much shorter. We normally had babies in from 3 months. The youngest was 6 weeks. From a nursery practitioners point of view, it was much easier settling young babies and the nursery I worked at was a 1:2 ratio so we were able to give lots of cuddles and attention.

You are not being unreasonable to feel sad to see a 7 week old baby at nursery.

You are being unreasonable to be so judgemental of another mum about it.

It’s sad if this woman lacks support from her partner, family, employer and/or the state which mean that her options about care for her baby are limited.

However, you’ve written your post in a way to suggest there’s no valid reason for the baby to be attending nursery with your comments about parental leave etc in your country. The reality is you know nothing about this woman’s circumstances or the reason she’s taking her baby to nursery.

You don’t know if the baby “should” be at home with mum because you don’t know what their home environment is like.

I’m sure this mum is doing what she thinks is in her baby’s interests, and knowing the full set of circumstances and options available to her family, she’s in a much better position to make that judgement than you.

YANBU. That's really sad, regardless of the circumstances.

You never win, there will be a lot of people feel sorry for your kids too for being 'sent off' to nursery. I won't judge anyone who work to provide.

Most nurseries in UK take babies from 6weeks. Used to work in one and we had prospective parents come in to look around and their baby was about a few weeks old. They didn't choose us in the end.

What made you so judgemental? I mean, if you think a baby spending a few hours a day in childcare will damage it for life, as will a smack on the hand, then surely we are all products of our own upbringings. Therefore, our worst traits must have some relation to how we were raised.
There are millions of people who had a less than perfect childhood but have managed to become well-adjusted, happy, loving adults. In fact, what even is a ‘perfect’ childhood?

I can't choose the vote options because I don't agree with either of them.

Any time under 3 years is sad.
All that time not bonding with the parents, time they'll never get back.

My ds1 went to Nursery at 4 months old. We lived in a country that had no maternity pay. He survived and thrived ! I'll admit it was hard and not ideal but people do what they have to.

Is it really? Regardless of the circumstances, it's sad?

Yes. Societal norms are not going well for America.

Re previous message the room leader was quite excited to have a very young baby in our room!!!!!

You do realise they are not in childcare 24/7? What a load of twaddle 🙄

You don’t know the circumstances. I used to work at a nursery and we had a baby start at 6 weeks old because her mum was at university and otherwise would have had to defer her course for a year. Obviously as an unemployed student she wouldnt have been entitled to any maternity pay.

Unless you know all of the family circumstances you have no right to judge.

I had to go back to work when my baby was 9 weeks old. Thanks for making me feel really shit.

Butt out - you know nothing of the person's circumstances.

I'm glad you have a psychiatrist

I don’t suppose the mum is overly thrilled herself, poor thing.

Or maybe she’s chomping at the bit to get back to work. I have a friend who went back to work (her own business) 48 hours after giving birth!

It is very sad of course it is. A last resort for most parents. We don’t know the circumstances or the situation. But yes a newborn baby in a nursery is incredibly sad.

I am glad we don’t live in a country where this is the norm, and most mothers have maternity rights here thank goodness.

All of you who are sitting on the other ends of keyboards twatting about neglect and abuse. How many of you had your own mothers do the exact same to you? I dare you all to strap on a pair of ovaries and tell your own mother she abused and neglected you by leaving you in nursery at 6/7/8 weeks. Because I can tell you, mine would get short shrift if they tried that crap on me.

I think that when we have years of evidence that early childcare is not in the best interest of the baby, we should follow that evidence and not do it. The fact that there are other adverse circumstances in the world is irrelevant to this. The fact that lots of people, who are invested for many different reasons in this being ok, say it didn’t hurt them/their child/their nephew is also irrelevant.