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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad seeing a 7 week old baby at DC's nursery today

999 replies

comfysketchers · 20/11/2023 14:35

Dropping my 15 month old off at nursery today before work and there was another woman there at the same time handing over a 7 week old sleeping baby.

He was absolutely tiny and I just felt so sad looking at him thinking that he barely even knows he is out of the womb and his mum is dropping him off to spend all day with strangers in a noisy nursery environment.

I should also add that I live in a country that has excellent parental leave from the government plus most private companies pay at least 10 weeks of full pay on top of that, with many paying much more than that.

YABU - It’s perfectly normal for a 7 week old baby to spend 8 hours per day in a nursery.

YANBU - A 7 week old baby should be at home with its mum.

OP posts:
WeeHaggisFace · 20/11/2023 17:51

This could be my friend, she is a single parent and drops her child off because she has to attend chemo and then she spends days on end not well and needs rest.

If you have no idea why then I wouldn't judge, you never know what hand you'll be dealt in life.

Salmonspines · 20/11/2023 17:51

tescocreditcard · 20/11/2023 16:18

Do foster carers get paid a lot? How much do they get paid?

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You can look up fostering allowance in your area it’s designed to be high so that they don’t have to work as well and can dedicate their time to the foster child

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/11/2023 17:51

Comedycook · 20/11/2023 17:39

So much focus here on what's best for the adults....

In terms of a newborn or very young baby, what's best for them is to be with their mother. That is the ideal scenario. Now, life happens obviously but let's not pretend that biology and nature don't exist.

If you willingly put your tiny baby in childcare when you don't have to I suggest you shouldn't have had a child. That is a valid and sensible choice a lot of the time.

Of course biology and nature exists but women are also people in their own right and thankfully, are allowed to have choices.

Be it SAHM for many years, go back to work after a short maternity leave or more usually, somewhere in the middle. Sometimes it isn't a choice but when it is, that is ideal.

A baby with loving parents is going to be fine either way.

IDoughnutKnow · 20/11/2023 17:52

PuddlesPityParty · 20/11/2023 17:47

But that’s a very bias google. I’m sure if I googled nursery is good for under twos articles would pop up supporting that hypothesis too.

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Yes of course it's biased. I was looking for the research that I remembered from when my children were young, and that was the way I found it.

You asked me to link to evidence, and that's what I did. Others would be able to provide links to the reverse.

Agree with @MrsGalloway about confirmation bias, though.

Festivemoose · 20/11/2023 17:52

IDoughnutKnow · 20/11/2023 17:43

@Cosywintertime I did link to something upthread. If you want more evidence, Google "nursery is bad for under twos".

I googled “the earth is flat” and it came up with loads of results with evidence that the earth is flat - so I guess that means the earth is indeed flat.

Mama1209 · 20/11/2023 17:52

IDoughnutKnow · 20/11/2023 17:30

Unreasonable because I bet her husband went back to work the next day, why shouldn’t she?!

Because it shouldn't be about men and women playing tit-for-tat. It should be about what's best for the baby.

@Mama1209

My point is that if it was a dad leaving his baby to work, no one would bad an eye lid! But women are expected to give up their life & career to stay home with the baby for what..a year…2years…some are saying 3years on this thread! Imagine telling a man ok you stay home for 3 years, lucky if they have 3 weeks off!!

Tandora · 20/11/2023 17:52

BrassOlive · 20/11/2023 16:49

Developmentally it's actually more unnatural leaving a 15 month old as that is prime separation anxiety age. A 7 week old generally doesn't care who is meeting it's needs as long as those needs are being met, that's why it's so much easier handing round a 6 week old for cuddles, versus a 6 month old (well, that and the wriggling!).

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I was thinking this too!

Caggers · 20/11/2023 17:53

My opinion is that it's a form of neglect to leave a baby that young in a childcare centre

Many people believe that sending a child to childcare is neglect, regardless or age or reasons.

Just while you’re judging this woman for needing childcare for her baby, you need to remember that there are just as many who are judging you for needing childcare for your toddler.

Lelophants · 20/11/2023 17:54

WinterDeWinter · 20/11/2023 16:56

Feminism doesn’t mean we pretend that women’s biological differences don’t exist.

it means we accommodate them such that women and the babies they bear are not negatively impacted by those differences.

Market capitalism has co-opted feminism and sold you back a lie.

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I agree. Most women I know seriously struggled going back at 9 months. They would have waited longer if they’d had better maternity leave. And these are women who loved their jobs.

Mama1209 · 20/11/2023 17:54

MargotBamborough · 20/11/2023 17:37

A lot of assumptions are being made about what is best for babies and young children, without a lot of evidence. Including some PP saying that even a two year old gains no benefit from being in a nursery setting, which I think is absurd. My son has gained a huge amount from being with other children all day and doing structured activities.

As for the difference between mothers and fathers, my own view is that it would be hugely beneficial to most families and to society in general if a year's leave could be properly split between the two parents, with the mother taking the first half and the father taking the second half. We were in a position for my husband to take a month off with my son after I went back to work and two months over the following summer to do full time childcare. It has been fantastic for his relationship with our son and our relationship with each other.

Obviously there need to be legal and societal changes to normalise this, not least fathers having an equal right to enhanced pay rather than having to drop to the statutory minimum which makes SPL financially unviable for a lot of families. But I get the impression that a big blocker is that a lot of women just want to stay at home with their baby and don't want to share a year of paid leave with their partner. Whilst that is understandable on some level, it won't help close the pay gap.

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This!! Exactly!! more dads to stay home, more women to follow their dreams & career aspirations and less judgment from OTHER MOTHERS air OTHER WOMEN for doing so!! Love that your husband took his paternity! That’s a real man!!

Comedycook · 20/11/2023 17:54

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/11/2023 17:51

Of course biology and nature exists but women are also people in their own right and thankfully, are allowed to have choices.

Be it SAHM for many years, go back to work after a short maternity leave or more usually, somewhere in the middle. Sometimes it isn't a choice but when it is, that is ideal.

A baby with loving parents is going to be fine either way.

Edited
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I mean what do you define as a short maternity leave? Surely you don't think mothers and babies should be separated at birth?

PuddlesPityParty · 20/11/2023 17:55

IDoughnutKnow · 20/11/2023 17:52

Yes of course it's biased. I was looking for the research that I remembered from when my children were young, and that was the way I found it.

You asked me to link to evidence, and that's what I did. Others would be able to provide links to the reverse.

Agree with @MrsGalloway about confirmation bias, though.

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Cannot see where you linked? I also didn’t ask you anything. I’ve only done that one reply.

Point is there’s arguments both ways so you can think what you want but there’s no perfect way to parent.

IDoughnutKnow · 20/11/2023 17:55

Festivemoose · 20/11/2023 17:52

I googled “the earth is flat” and it came up with loads of results with evidence that the earth is flat - so I guess that means the earth is indeed flat.

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Grin
Cheesecakefiend · 20/11/2023 17:55

You are allowed to have feelings about this OP. I agree that it is sad for the baby and for the mother, it's not an ideal situation for either of them but it's probably unavoidable.

DragonFly98 · 20/11/2023 17:55

Soontobe60 · 20/11/2023 14:40

I had to put my DD in nursery when she was 10 weeks old. Absolutely no choice. She’s turned out fine though and loves her mum (me).

What country did you live in at the time that gave you no choice?

junbean · 20/11/2023 17:56

I used to work in a daycare and I was sad all the time, taking care of babies that really needed their mother. I'm in the US and we have the worst maternity leave structure ever- I have 4 kids and have never gotten any leave. That's why I worked in a daycare- to be closer to my child- in the next room over! I work from home now which has its own impossibilities. This world is absolutely bonkers, the expectations and pressures on mothers to do everything for everybody. It's so unnatural.

Missingmyusername · 20/11/2023 17:56

“But answer the rest of my post” read my first response again @EarringsandLipstick many posters are of the same opinion. Are you going to ask them too?😂

I don’t know what those parents are supposed to do🤷🏼‍♀️ I suspect many stay at home, some
claiming benefit, others working, using childcare to enable them to go to work or grandparents.

Karen398 · 20/11/2023 17:56

One of mine was in nursery about 2 -3 days a week at 8 weeks, because he was born August and I returned to my university at the beginning of term. This was 2003 and he wasn't the only one but seems really young now. I didn't want to take another year out though, he was my second baby

Karen398 · 20/11/2023 17:58

He got on fine at the nursery and was only there for for 10 months until the following summer when I graduated

Mama1209 · 20/11/2023 17:59

Karen398 · 20/11/2023 17:56

One of mine was in nursery about 2 -3 days a week at 8 weeks, because he was born August and I returned to my university at the beginning of term. This was 2003 and he wasn't the only one but seems really young now. I didn't want to take another year out though, he was my second baby

This is a prime example of why we should not judge. You were out building a better life for your family. Good for you!! I bet if you sat at home and claimed benefits you would get judged for that too. You just can’t win!

Soontobe60 · 20/11/2023 17:59

Bbq1 · 20/11/2023 14:46

I agree, Op, it's very sad
Why have a baby to give it over to strangers so young. To the pp's saying it's none of your business - can't people have an opinion? It's not like Op challenged the moth of the baby.

There are myriad reasons why. I’m sure, if you engage your critical thinking skills, you could come up with a few.

AnneValentine · 20/11/2023 18:00

DragonFly98 · 20/11/2023 17:55

What country did you live in at the time that gave you no choice?

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The US is one example where women have little choice.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/11/2023 18:00

Comedycook · 20/11/2023 17:54

I mean what do you define as a short maternity leave? Surely you don't think mothers and babies should be separated at birth?

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I suppose when they are able to go to childcare so 6-12 weeks.

WinterBerry7 · 20/11/2023 18:00

I’m not sure why you’ve posted on AIBU when you are not up for a discussion and have clearly only come here so others can join you in slagging off this woman?
I hope it makes you feel good about yourself. You are truly superior 👍

Raingo · 20/11/2023 18:01

I feel a bit sad for the baby. But I don’t care what other parents do. I wanted to spend as much time with my DC as I could.
I wouldn’t have shared my maternity leave with DH away. If he wants paternity leave he can campaign for it.

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