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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave partner after having newborn baby

125 replies

cookies33 · 20/11/2023 14:10

I gave birth last Wednesday and what was a perfect birth ended up in me needing a blood transfusion and possible sepis infection.

All week my partner has been stressing and stressing me to the point where I have had enough and considering leaving him and going back to my parents.

I am still in hospital.

I am up all night feeding my son and I have not slept since I was admitted to hospital last Monday after my waters broke.

My partner will come in at 11 and moan about feeding and changing his nappy and think thats enough.

He will moan quite loudly on the ward "Why are you not feeding my son"?.

And now the midwives has asked me to feed my son and change his nappy in front of them once to ensure I was doing it properly.

Partner will come into hospital and start shouting and having heated arguments with me and I am sure the midwives and other patients have heard.

All week my partner has been running round getting things for the baby ( I have been giving him money ) and throws it back in my face.

I have had enough and cant take this anymore.

I am supposed to be discharged today and really cannot stand being with him anymore.

I am in tears as I write this.

I am thinking of reporting this to the police and I am sure this is domestic abuse.

I am in constant pain and have no support from him whatsoever.

I am being bullied into my son having partners surname.

i just cant take anymore.

OP posts:
Aydahayda · 20/11/2023 14:13

This is a really difficult time for any mother, and a traumatic birth makes things that much harder. You need support, not a whinge bag who doesn’t know how to contain himself and what is an actual priority.

I’d go to your parents if that’s possible, even if just in the short term, to give yourself room to breathe and time away from a man who has no sense, or worse.

how was he before the baby was born?

best of luck.

Ilovecakey · 20/11/2023 14:14

Yes please leave him! Tell the midwives not to let him on the ward! Have you got any family or friends who can be there to support you?

BethDuttonsTwin · 20/11/2023 14:14

Talk to the midwives at the hospital. Do it now. Enlist their help. Believe me they’ll already be concerned if they’ve witnessed what you describe.

roarrfeckingroar · 20/11/2023 14:15

Do not give your child his surname!!

Ilovecakey · 20/11/2023 14:16

Also register the baby on your own and give him your last name and don't put him on the birth certificate

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/11/2023 14:16

Go to your parents please. You are incredibly vulnerable at the moment and he's chosen to bully you.

The baby can't be registered yet if you're in England, go by yourself and give the baby your surname.

SgtJuneAckland · 20/11/2023 14:16

There was a young woman in your shoes on the ward when I had DS. I did tell the midwife what I'd heard because I wanted her to get help. Please talk to one of the midwives, you absolutely need to do what's best for you and your baby. You are at a very vulnerable time and rather than support you, build you up and dote on his new baby he's behaving like this. He's telling you who he is.

AbondonedThemePark · 20/11/2023 14:17

Get yourself to your parents and stay there.

Under no circumstances give your baby anything other than your name.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/11/2023 14:17

He sounds very dangerous, op. You must stay away from him.

Have him barred from the ward, report everything to the police, go to your parents and stop all communication with him. Make sure his behaviour on the ward is documented.

Catza · 20/11/2023 14:19

This is not the best time for either of you to be making life-changing decisions but it sounds as though you do need some support and distance. So please talk to a midwife (presumably, they would already be aware of his behavious based on your description of events) and go stay with your parents. The midwifes will be able to arrange support for you.
If you feel like being bullied into giving a baby his surname, then don't do it. You have no obligation to.

OrigamiOwl · 20/11/2023 14:19

Talk to the midwives.
Can you call your parents, get them to pick you up?
Also definitely don't give the baby his last name. You've done the hard work for 9 months, the baby can have your surname.

oogbkihdeeflkigfviimmm · 20/11/2023 14:19

Please open up to the midwives and tell them what’s happening, go back to your parents and contact woman’s aid.

Im so sorry for you having this horrific time

NotLactoseFree · 20/11/2023 14:19

Start by talking to the midwives. When he's not there, ask for a conversation and them what you've said here. They can, at the very least, stop him from coming on the ward.

If you're not married, just register the birth without him. He can go to court to get his name added to the birth certificate, but he can't force a name change. The baby's default name is the same as yours, not his (believe me, I know - the first time I took DS to A&E I had to get his name "changed"' as the hospital had him down as Baby Free and not Baby DH Name!)

Then go to your parents for some respite. In a lot of cultures, taking a newborn back to the woman's parents is normal anyway as a way for both mother and child to be supported and looked after.

Original poster
cookies33 · 20/11/2023 14:23

Yes my parents have asked me to come stay with them (not because of him but to support me).

He says if the baby dosent have his surname than there is no point in anything.

The midwives have defo picked up on something as they have asked me a few times now about any issues at home domestic abuse.

I absolutely hate him so much, I have struggled on my own this last week in hospital, but he dosent understand that I have not slept for a week with being ill and being on antibiotics its just all about his needs and what he has done.

He will moan about buying things - even though I give him half the money straight away. I just cant win with him.

Before the baby was born he was always moaning about something but never like this where it is on a daily basis.

I worry how I will cope with looking after a newborn baby, I love my son and he is my first priority.

OP posts:
Lemmoella · 20/11/2023 14:24

Please tell the midwives that you do not want him there. I am shocked they are not checking on you that you say he is shouting at you on the ward? Ask to speak to someone and tell them what you have said here that you do not want to leave with him and he is making you feel emotionally abused. Call your parents too ask them to come see you and work out a plan

PestilencialCrisis · 20/11/2023 14:24

Ask the midwife to keep him off the ward. Ask your parents to collect you. Take a break and think about next steps. Do you think that if you split up from him that he will still be in your DC's life? If not, don't give them the name of someone that they might only see 3 or 4 times a year.

Lemmoella · 20/11/2023 14:26

@cookies33 it is not hard to look after a newborn when you have the right support and environment. You will be at your parents having help and cuddling your baby, loving him and recovering in a quiet and happy environment. This should be the best time of your life you should not have to feel this way due to this awful man.

Cornettoninja · 20/11/2023 14:26

Definitely go to your parents and be honest with the midwives and nurses about your relationship. You’re at a point that all support that can be offered will be. Please take them up on it.

DeedlessIndeed · 20/11/2023 14:28

He's pathetic.

I get that it's stressful for him and he's worried, but he is being an absolute bully.

I am so riled up for you, especially when you said

"All week my partner has been running round getting things for the baby ( I have been giving him money ) and throws it back in my face."

  1. Why are you giving him money - he should be paying for his child for goodness sake
  2. Running around all week - the poor wee soul, how about an incredibly traumatic birth and no sleep for a week
  3. How dare he throw HIS OBLIGATION as father, back in your face! Especially when you're so unwell.
  • Tell the midwives.
  • Reach out to a friend for support if you need bits in the hospital - If a friend messaged me and explained these circumstances I would prioritise supporting you in a heartbeat.
  • Tell your parents and arrange to spend some time back with them.
  • Block his number.
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 20/11/2023 14:29

At this point his feelings really are the last of your priorities... Your surname. Home to your family.. Confide in the mw. She is there to help you.. Not to judge you at all.

DeedlessIndeed · 20/11/2023 14:32

Sorry just seen your update.

You will manage without him. I can almost guarantee that it will be far easier having to do things with a bit of support from friends and family, than with him putting you down and bitching about everything you do.

Reach out and do this for you and your baby - you do not deserve any of this.

Toddlerteaplease · 20/11/2023 14:34

BethDuttonsTwin · 20/11/2023 14:14

Talk to the midwives at the hospital. Do it now. Enlist their help. Believe me they’ll already be concerned if they’ve witnessed what you describe.

They will be concerne already as the PP said. Please talk to them. They will try and help.

bryceQ · 20/11/2023 14:35

That's really hard to read. Go and be with your parents, you and your baby need looking after. Please do not go home with him. He is a vile bully

mathanxiety · 20/11/2023 14:35

Yes, this is abuse.

Tell the midwives not to let him into the ward again. They will keep him away.

Block him on your phone and on all social media. Tell your parents and friends to block him too.

Go home with your parents. Stay with them. When you have recovered, take your mum and dad and remove your belongings from the place you've been living with this abuser.

Go with your parents to register the birth and DO NOT use your partner's surname for the baby. You are not married. You do not have to give the baby his surname. You have six weeks before the baby needs to be registered.

You should consider the relationship dead as of today. There is no point pretending there's anything left there but abuse.

Pthalo · 20/11/2023 14:37

Congratulations on your lovely baby.

I’m so sorry that the baby’s dad is this shit.

Report domestic emotional abuse to the midwives and ask for him to be barred from the ward. Leave him asap and go stay at your parents. Any man who shouts at a mother as she lies in a hospital bed after giving birth, and charges her money to buy his child things, is a total shit who should be kept far away all women and children.

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