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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave partner after having newborn baby

125 replies

cookies33 · 20/11/2023 14:10

I gave birth last Wednesday and what was a perfect birth ended up in me needing a blood transfusion and possible sepis infection.

All week my partner has been stressing and stressing me to the point where I have had enough and considering leaving him and going back to my parents.

I am still in hospital.

I am up all night feeding my son and I have not slept since I was admitted to hospital last Monday after my waters broke.

My partner will come in at 11 and moan about feeding and changing his nappy and think thats enough.

He will moan quite loudly on the ward "Why are you not feeding my son"?.

And now the midwives has asked me to feed my son and change his nappy in front of them once to ensure I was doing it properly.

Partner will come into hospital and start shouting and having heated arguments with me and I am sure the midwives and other patients have heard.

All week my partner has been running round getting things for the baby ( I have been giving him money ) and throws it back in my face.

I have had enough and cant take this anymore.

I am supposed to be discharged today and really cannot stand being with him anymore.

I am in tears as I write this.

I am thinking of reporting this to the police and I am sure this is domestic abuse.

I am in constant pain and have no support from him whatsoever.

I am being bullied into my son having partners surname.

i just cant take anymore.

OP posts:
Dentistlakes · 21/11/2023 07:50

Yes, when you are discharged onto your parents. Take time
to recover and bond with your baby. You don’t need an abusive partner, so get rid asap.

Londoner89 · 21/11/2023 07:54

I gave birth exactly a year ago.
When registering his name I was asked with my partner next to me just before it was done, if I wanted his name on the certificate. The reason she made sure is because the moment it is done, dad gets shared custody and the right to apply for full custody. If you can find a way to register his birth at the town hall alone without his name on?
means you won’t be able to get maintenance from dad but it doesn’t sound like he contributes much anyway! this man sounds extremely abusive and this is without sleepless nights and the stress a baby can bring. Not the type of person you want around you or baby xx

luckbealadytonight · 21/11/2023 08:01

I have not read the full thread:

  1. It is much easier to parent alone than with someone who makes you miserable.
  1. Go to your parents immediately, get someone to come and pick you up.
  1. Don't listen to a word this moron says about his surname - you make and go to the birth certificate appointment and baby gets your surname. End of.
Iamnotalemming · 21/11/2023 08:04

Please go to your parents for a while or see if your parents can come to you. You need support, sleep, someone to make you tea, hold the baby while you take a shower. It must all feel a bit much. Try to concentrate on the next few works first and then when you're feeling stronger make a plan for the longer term.

Congrats on your lovely baby. You can and will be strong for him. 💐

SunshineAutumnday · 21/11/2023 08:07

Please talk to someone, there are helpline numbers and go with your gut.

Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to grain power or control over a partner. Can be verbal, finanical etc.

Ask your parents to pick you up and stay with them. Once your safe and secure then make your decisions.

If you decide to inform a midwife or healthcare professional - will have to safeguard their concerns. The safeguarding - is a document/report and is held by the safeguarding team.

If the midwives had concerns whilst you were in hospital they may have already raised a safeguarding report against your partner. At the very least documented their concerns.

Good luck and please stay with your parents.

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/11/2023 08:10

DeedlessIndeed · 20/11/2023 14:32

Sorry just seen your update.

You will manage without him. I can almost guarantee that it will be far easier having to do things with a bit of support from friends and family, than with him putting you down and bitching about everything you do.

Reach out and do this for you and your baby - you do not deserve any of this.

This - stay with this nasty bully and you will be walking on eggshells all the time.

He will start complaining about the attention you give the baby.

He will start complaining because he wants sex and you are too tired/ find it too painful/ just don't want to have sex with a man you no longer have loving feelings for.

This is the edge of violence.

The odds are that it will tip over into actual violence - certainly against you, possibly against your child, and once that line has been crossed it will get worse and worse. Consider this a wake-up call. You have a supportive family - go to them now while you have the chance, even if you have to walk there barefoot in your nightie! (Exaggeration! But believe me, I have lived in a family of chaos and constantly simmering violence as a child and it is awful.)

You and your baby deserve so much more than this selfish, angry, resentful, vindictive man.

Morewineplease10 · 21/11/2023 08:10

Where is your son?

Yes, do everything to get away from this man. Go to your parents, it's brilliant they want to help you.

WowOK · 21/11/2023 08:11

Get your parents to buy a car seat and pick you up. Even a second hand one is fine.

You need to go to your GP / HV about your anxiety.

You need support. Don't let fear stop you getting help.

At the moment You are scared how you will cope alone but you won't be alone you'll be with your parents. I'm scared how you'll cope with him and the baby at home. His behaviour is totally unacceptable. Its already having an impact on your mental health. You need to priorities yourself and the babies wellbeing.

Sahlives · 21/11/2023 08:24

You'll cope so much better without his negative presence there. Get to your parents ASAP.

TwilightSkies · 21/11/2023 08:38

Of course you will cope! You will cope far better on your own than having to deal with an abusive partner. Go to your parents.

MrsMarzetti · 21/11/2023 08:41

You will not be coping on your own, you will have your Mum. Please take you and your baby to safety. Go today before any harm is done.

Sweettooth33 · 21/11/2023 08:46

Please leave. Your message is worrying. You are very vulnerable, having just given birth and being with this awful man. Please stay with your parents.

Lovemusic82 · 21/11/2023 08:55

Can your parents come and pick you up? You need to get away from him. If social services do get involved they will be wanting you to get away from him, going to your parents will be the best option as you will have support with the baby.

PuzzledObserver · 21/11/2023 09:04

OP, my username is a reference to the fact that I am not a mother. I stand by and watch and learn, in awe of how all you wonderful women who are mothers cope. I have learned three things:-

  1. Being a mother is hard work - but repaid 100 times over by your love for your child

  2. Being a single mother is harder work than being a mother with a loving supportive partner

  3. Being a mother in an abusive relationship is hardest of all. It destroys you as a person. It’s not good for your child.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 21/11/2023 09:15

OP
pleasw call your parents and ask them to. Polecat your . Don’t tell your partner .
once your parents are there get all your valuables/sentimentality and clothes and leave this bullying abuser.

Social work will support you of your at your parents safe . If they see you are with and abuser they worry for the child.

Get out NOW
Please come back on here for supper and hopefully to date you ahem left safely .

This man will destroy you

Fern95 · 21/11/2023 09:17

Please please please go to your parents. It will only get worse as you get more tired and he gets more resentful over being expected to do normal father things for the baby.

PurpleBugz · 21/11/2023 09:19

DO NOT GIVE THE CHILD HIS SURNAME.

If he turns out a good dad you can change it but you need both of your agreement so you won't be able to change to yours if you give his and he's a crap dad.

Sounds abusive. Go stay with family and focus on healing and your baby and deal with him when you are able xx

AmazingSnakeHead · 21/11/2023 09:22

Believe me OP coping on your own will be much much easier than this current situation. You have just been through a major physical ordeal and you have a brand new little baby. You don't have the energy or mental.space to be walking on eggshells for fear of this horrible man blowing up at you. Go to your parents, get a bus or taxi if needs be, or get them to pick you up. If you think he'll prevent you from leaving get them to buy a car seat, tell him you're going for a walk with baby (you can fit a lot in a changing bag) and just get in the car. Tell him when you're safe.

If you think he'll be reasonable just say you're struggling, HE'S obviously struggling, you're going to stay at your parents for support.

AmazingSnakeHead · 21/11/2023 09:27

Social services are going to support you in making the best home for your baby. They won't take him from you.

Whatishedoing · 21/11/2023 09:29

Get out get out get out get out

it will only get worse and it will get harder for you to leave

please don’t do this to your son

take him to your parents. Give your son your surname. You can do this

Carouselfish · 21/11/2023 09:40

It's clear from your posts you are a good mum - the skin to skin thing is of no importance here! Don't give it a second thought. What is important is that you call someone to pick you and the baby up and take you to your parents asap.

Busybeemumm · 21/11/2023 09:42

Congratulations.

Don't get scared about any threats he makes about social services or police. Their priority will be to keep you and your baby together as long as you make the right choices and stay safe. Being with this man is not the right choice right now.

You need to heal and have some space from him. You are at your most vulnerable and he hasn't shown you any love or support. Newborns can also pick up on unhealthy atmosphere and he is the cause. All of this stress will affect how you bond, parent and care for your son. These early days are so precious.

Find a way to get to your parents and tell them what's happening. Things will not get better with him only worse. Good luck

Channellingsophistication · 21/11/2023 09:49

congratulations on the birth of your baby.
You must separate from this man.

go to your parents, you will need their love and support. When you feel stronger you can end the relationship with this man. Life will be a lot easier when you do.

it is hard being on your own with a baby, but it will be a lot easier than having him in your life as well.

ns87 · 21/11/2023 09:52

Go to your parents OP xx

CharingX976 · 22/11/2023 21:32

How are you doing, cookies33? Did you manage to go and stay with your parents?

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