To leave partner after having newborn baby

[cookies33]

I gave birth last Wednesday and what was a perfect birth ended up in me needing a blood transfusion and possible sepis infection.

All week my partner has been stressing and stressing me to the point where I have had enough and considering leaving him and going back to my parents.

I am still in hospital.

I am up all night feeding my son and I have not slept since I was admitted to hospital last Monday after my waters broke.

My partner will come in at 11 and moan about feeding and changing his nappy and think thats enough.

He will moan quite loudly on the ward "Why are you not feeding my son"?.

And now the midwives has asked me to feed my son and change his nappy in front of them once to ensure I was doing it properly.

Partner will come into hospital and start shouting and having heated arguments with me and I am sure the midwives and other patients have heard.

All week my partner has been running round getting things for the baby ( I have been giving him money ) and throws it back in my face.

I have had enough and cant take this anymore.

I am supposed to be discharged today and really cannot stand being with him anymore.

I am in tears as I write this.

I am thinking of reporting this to the police and I am sure this is domestic abuse.

I am in constant pain and have no support from him whatsoever.

I am being bullied into my son having partners surname.

i just cant take anymore.

What your sister has told you cannot possibly be true

Please contact your parents and get them to come and collect you.
Don't tell your partner that they're coming or what the plan is.

Please talk to the midwife’s. They should be able to keep him away. You don’t have to tell him you gave the child your last name. If you are being discharged perhaps get security to walk you and your parents to their car.

Social services are not going to take your baby away.
Get services involved to help you leave, you are in a horrendous situation that is not good for you or bub.

I agree, SS or CP aren't going to remove a child that is wanted, loved and well cared for and if you go to your parents the child will not be at risk. However, sometimes they can say the child is at risk to give a higher level of support - this still doesn't mean they're thinking of taking a child.

Please call your parents and get them to collect you and your son. You will be able to cope if you left, you will cope better on your own as you'll be less stressed. You won't be on your own you will have your parents.

If you stay with this dreadful bully the little one will pick up on your anxiety. You will be much happier with your parents and their unconditional love and support.

Register your son on your own giving him your surname and leave the father blank. Starting on your own will be hard at first but your and babies happiness are most important.

Please seek help from your parents and midwife. Best wishes and stay safe.

Oh @cookies33 i am so sorry you are going through this.
Get a message to your parents and see if someone can come and get you. They could borrow a car seat maybe. Get out of there.
I left my ex when my baby was 10 days old. My baby is now 27 and is a wonderful, happy and confident young man. I’ve no doubt this would not be the case if I stayed when he was a baby. Leave for you and your baby‘s sake.

If this is your apartment, he’s there at your invitation. Get him to leave. Call the police if necessary. Get your parents to come over and look after you while you organise the locks being changed then go to your parent’s house for a while.

I'm so sorry. You just went through hell and back and now you're being abused as well. It definitely is abuse. I had a similar situation with my first- a bit different because it was actually my own dad. He was very controlling and abusive, and he did about the same things, but he also refused to leave and let me nurse my DD in privacy, insisted on being the first person to change my DD's diaper, and got so angry in the midst of it he starting shouting at me, and the nurses came in and made him leave. I wish someone would have called the police or made me realize it was abuse. Things got so much worse after that. The dad was the same way. If I could go back I would have run so far and changed my name and never let them near us again. You can't be too protective when you're dealing with someone controlling and abusive like that, especially with a baby. You're in such a physically vulnerable state right now, I hope you can find resources or someone to help you. You need to rest and relax in peace and safety. Please reach out to anyone who can help protect you and your baby 💜

please.speak toa nurse.go to your parents

Tell the midwives the truth. If they do contact SS they will be there to support you, not oppose you. As everyone on Mumsnet will tell you domestic abuse frequently starts in pregnancy or soon after birth so midwifery staff are trained to ask questions, they only want to help you and your baby.
Talk to the midwives, go to your parents where you’ll be safe and looked after.
Take your time. You’ve 6 or 7 weeks to register the birth and it’s YOUR choice what goes on the birth certificate. Take your time, get well first.
And congratulations on your beautiful boy. 💐

Please, please get to your parents’ house. You are beyond vulnerable right now by virtue of having just given birth. You have to get away and save yourself and your baby from this awful man.

Why did you go back? Go to your parents as planned otherwise you'll not get out of this. For yours and your sons sake.

You will be able to cope as you will have your family to help you. Trust me they are going to be much more help than your partner, no horrible atmosphere etc.

I have had a similar birth OP. I can't imagine having to deal with this sort of thing after that.

I now have a daughter who is old enough to be in your position. If she called me and told me about this, I would be behind the car and driving to you within minutes. Please call your parents if you want their help. They've offered so don't hesitate to take them up on it.

Tell your family everything. They will come and get you. That will give you thinking time and probably some sound advice from people with your best interests at heart. It will be hard to think straight while you are there with him at a difficult and stressful time anyway with young baby and recovering.

By all mean go wherever you will get the most support. And talk to the midwife as it might be better for him not to come over if he is making things harder for you.
But keep in mind that postnatal period can be really hard for any new mother, let alone after a traumatic brith. Things will get better (with or without him).

I would say as well that it's unusual for midwife to ask to see you feeding or changing your baby in England (it is commonplace in other countries, but I have never experienced nor heard of this in the UK). It means they might have some concerns about your ability to care for your baby at the moment, so make sure to get as much support as you can.

Tell the midwives, go to your parents when you are discharged and don’t give baby his surname: What you’ve just been through is huge. Huge. You are right in the thick of it just after birth; do whatever is safest and most conviennent for you & baby; and be very kind to yourself. If he is behaving badly do not see him. Can you tell your parents and arrange for them to collect you? Congratulations on baby and best of luck xox

Oh OP. I can’t add to the good advice you’ve add. I just wanted to send love and strength and agree that, unlike having a good / decent dad around, with this one you will cope much better without him xx

Of course you can cope! You sound a lovely Mum who has been through a very hard time. Be kind to yourself. Can you ask your parents to come and collect you today? Just a few weeks breathing space may help you get some clarity.
I would not put him on the birth certificate and give your child your surname. It helps to protect you further down the line.

If he is shouting at you this morning and you feel threatened then call the police. Do not put up with this awful behaviour - it is him that is making you doubt your own ability whereas actually what you need is love and support.

Please do not take your son to live with this man.
Tell the midwives that you do not want him on the ward and ring your parents and ask for them to collect you and baby when the time comes.

I think you need help with the baby, but I don’t think he is the person to help you.

From someone who was bullied into giving their child the father’s surname (“Well if he doesn’t have my surname I might as well leave now”), please don’t give in. It is the one thing I wish I had done differently and I regret allowing myself to be bullied, obviously I can recognise I was newly 20 years old and a few weeks postpartum, but I ended up a single mum anyway. The fact he was prepared to leave over the surname should have made me realise he wasn’t in it for the long haul, and now he makes no effort to see his child at all.

Several posters are offering advice to OP as though she is still in the hospital. She is now at home with horrible partner who is still being abusive.

Hopefully OP will take posters sound advice about birth certificate and to leave him and go to parents.

They might tell social services but social services goal would be to make sure your baby is safe. If that’s what you’re trying to achieve too then it would help to have them supporting you with that. If you don’t tell anyone and they find out in other ways (like if the midwives tell them they suspect it’s happening even if you don’t admit it or if your neighbours raised concerns) that might look worse as they might worry you’re protecting your partner by hiding it.
It is always scary to leave a partner but if you can cope with being in a relationship like that you can definitely cope with leaving one.

They will not report YOU to the social services, they will flag your newborn as a child who is potentially in need of safeguarding. If social services get involved, they will be working on the basis that you and your child (and the father) need support. Please do not vilify social services, they are not out to get you or to remove your child without good reason. Their primary objective is to keep the child safe which may include temporarily preventing the father from having access or supporting the father with some parenting/anger management classes or referral to MH services etc.