To leave partner after having newborn baby

[cookies33]

I gave birth last Wednesday and what was a perfect birth ended up in me needing a blood transfusion and possible sepis infection.

All week my partner has been stressing and stressing me to the point where I have had enough and considering leaving him and going back to my parents.

I am still in hospital.

I am up all night feeding my son and I have not slept since I was admitted to hospital last Monday after my waters broke.

My partner will come in at 11 and moan about feeding and changing his nappy and think thats enough.

He will moan quite loudly on the ward "Why are you not feeding my son"?.

And now the midwives has asked me to feed my son and change his nappy in front of them once to ensure I was doing it properly.

Partner will come into hospital and start shouting and having heated arguments with me and I am sure the midwives and other patients have heard.

All week my partner has been running round getting things for the baby ( I have been giving him money ) and throws it back in my face.

I have had enough and cant take this anymore.

I am supposed to be discharged today and really cannot stand being with him anymore.

I am in tears as I write this.

I am thinking of reporting this to the police and I am sure this is domestic abuse.

I am in constant pain and have no support from him whatsoever.

I am being bullied into my son having partners surname.

i just cant take anymore.

They will, but not to take your son away from you- to protect you both.

can you speak to your parents and have them come and get you?

this is only going to get worse. Your son deserves better than this.

You poor pet! I can't imagine the extreme stress and fatigue you feel! I gave birth 6 months ago and it was relatively ok but I definitely needed my partners support and I can't imagine how much harder it is for you doing it all alone in hospital and then having him come in an berate and gaslight you!! Please go stay with your parents, give your baby your surname and get as far away as you can from that monster!! Plus don't forget, you will absolutely get through this! You've just given birth so you know how strong and capable you are! You definitely don't need his negative energy around you!

Men can find having a new baby difficult too and their behaviour can become disgusting or problematic as a result. Is there anyone that can talk to him? Have you spoken to him and said how he is making you feel? The health visitor?
he not being supportive now and being Moany and whingey isn’t necessarily abuse. However, shouting at you and creating arguments is emotional abuse.
your hormones are all over the place you have just had a newborn baby, and he is panicking. How was your relationship before the baby came along ?
please don’t listen to people saying you shouldn’t put DP name on the birth certificate -that is ridiculous and petty and why wouldn’t you want your child to have his fathers name on the first certificate? Also, if you were to claim child maintenance from him in future, he wouldn’t have to give you a penny if his name isn’t on the birth certificate, lots of people forget that bit . Also, you don’t have to put his surname as your child’s surname, I double barrelled my DD’s.. and it should be a mutual decision anyway .
It’s definitely best to go and stay with your parents who can support you with looking after baby , help look after you as you have Been so very unwell . does he have parents and have they offered you any support?
Having a baby is a difficult time for everyone, and I think you just need to settle down with baby before making any rash decisions about your future.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My son's father made my life absolute hell. I almost died giving birth and the way he treated me was disgusting. I knew when my son was 2 weeks old that I didn't love him anymore - I eventually left the relationship when my little boy was around 9 months old, it took me a while to get my ducks in a row but I can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made. Now I'm with a man who adores the bones of me and my son. Don't waste your life on such a vile man!

@mathanxiety wrong
my sister does not have my nieces father’s name on the bc
CMS have said there is nothing they can do to get him to pay chid maintenance as she does not have proof that he is the father and cannot force him to take a DNA test or put his name on the BC

@Banana1979 the OP can put him down on the birth cert and not give her baby his surname, there's a huge difference there.

What an awful situation for you.

A couple of things to add, this is how he is behaving in a public space, it's going to get a lot darker when you are stuck at home feeding, trying to get some rest and there is the potential that this is a good time (from his point of view) to isolate you from friends and family.

Secondly, you have instincts for a reason and they are particularly keen when you just have a baby. Your instincts are telling you this situation is unsafe and you would do you and your child a great service to follow them. All too often saying your feelings are "just anxiety" can be a reason to ignore them, sometimes that's true if you've had trauma before, but in this case they are speaking to you and guiding you as to what to do.

Lastly, you have a few weeks to register the name, it's the least of your worries.

Please speak to the midwives they will have seen it before, they may involve social services to be on the safe side but it sounds like you are already a totally devoted Mum. He is likely to be about to show you who he really is when you do leave. Then you can decide accordingly. Your story is heartbreaking and I really hope everything from here gets so much better for you both.

Please go home to your parents and tell them exactly what’s happening. They will protect you!
Congratulations on your new baby!

Please contact your parents

Are you the poster from last week who posted about wanting to keep her partner out while she was giving birth as he was being so awful? If not, your circumstances are very similar.

If you can't stand up for yourself, think of your baby. It's not fair on your child to grow up in a house with such conflict. It can be difficult to stand up for yourself, but many women find it easier to find their voice - and their feet - when they view it through the eyes of their child.

For your child's sake, if not your own, get yourself out of this dreadful situation and to your parents. You can then start to work out what the future looks like.

Please tell your sister to go back to CMS because that is bullshit.

The procedure is that CMS will contact the (potential) father. If he queries or denies paternity, he is offered a DNA test. If he refuses to do the DNA test, he will be held liable for child support.

Get some sleep - or something like it - tonight then go to your parents tomorrow sweetheart. So sorry you are going through this at this time. I notice you say he has always been a moan. Perhaps now you have an actual baby you are done with his babyish ways and something in you has changed. One question I was thinking was has he had some kind of freak out from the stress of it? Some men do after a traumatic birth. Not that this excuses anything at all! You need support right now not this bullshit x good luck xx

@cookies33 you said your parents want you to come to them so they can support you, please call them and do that. If my DD needed me I'd buy a car seat and go pick her and her baby up and look after them. They'll support you with the baby much more than he will. You may even find that you feel more confident with him gone.

Ask your parents to come pick you up. They can pick up a baby car seat on the way. This is not a reason to be trapped with this man. Definitely don’t give baby his surname.

@cookies33

What you need is peace and calm. Once you have that, you will see that you can cope. Please have your parents come and get you. If your partner works or does a hobby or goes to the pub regularly have them come when he is out. Don't worry about the time, they love you and if they have to sneak you away at midnight, they'll do it! If you can't get rid of him, so be it, brazen it out and go anyway. Don't be afraid to call the police if you have to.

Having a newborn is tiring and stressful. It's also peaceful and miraculous. But you need peace and calm to deal with the tiredness and the stress and get to the peaceful and miraculous.

Once you get to your parents, please give no thought to the future. There will be time for that. Concentrate on healing, treasuring your new baby, and caring for yourself. The world, and your STBXP, can wait.

What "case" is he trying to build, Oh Clairvoyant One?

And how can we tell that he's got the midwives onside?

Teach us the secrets of your mystic arts.

It's great that your first priority is your newborn.
Yes, go to your parents. Have them pick you up directly from the hospital.
Use your surname or both surnames.
Officially apply for the father to contribute financially.
You and baby should stay with your folks until you have worked out a safe and sustainable plan.

It will be a breath of fresh air without a moaning partner at this joyous but challenging time.

Can you call your parents to come collect you and your baby when you know he’s out? Then you can stay with them and concentrate on your baby.

From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like you’re in a safe environment right now.

Firstly congratulations on the birth of your new baby boy!

I think going to your parents would be for the best. Right now, you need support to make sure that you, and baby, are building your strength up.

Growing and nurturing a new life for 9 months, takes a toll on your body. You’re then flooded with hormones, so that you can firstly bond with your baby, and secondly to feed your baby.

All this stress will take a toll on your milk supply. It sounds like breastfeeding may have been a struggle, and the midwives are right to want to make sure, after a traumatic birth and infection that you are able to care for the baby.

Do please go and register the birth by yourself. If you decide to add your partner’s name to the birth certificate then you can do so at a later date. I’m not quite sure what he means by if the child doesn’t have his surname then there’s no point in anything. This sounds manipulative and abusive.

I feel that you do need to tell the midwives on the ward about the abusive behaviour in your relationship. You haven’t failed because your partner is an arsehole. That’s not on you!

You say “moaning”, but none of this sounds like “moaning” to me, it sounds like he’s a controlling, manipulative, narcissistic dick and it seems like the staff on the ward have picked up on this.

Tell your midwives that you’re not ready to go home. They can keep you in for a day or so in order for your parents to sort things out to take you back to their home. I presume the baby’s father knows where your parents live, so it might be an idea to make a police report out, so that he can’t come to your parents house and cause trouble/make a scene.

Hospitals have many safeguards in place to support people who are in abusive situations and to help them on discharge.

What is your home situation? Do you and the baby’s father live together? In a rented or owned home? If owned, by whom? If rented, whose name is on the tenancy agreement?

Your parents sound supportive and that’s what you need right now. A few weeks at their house and you will feel much better, and be more able to make decisions about where you go from there.

I'm so sorry that you’re going through this, at a time when you should be happier than you’ve ever been 🌺

I’m not quite sure how you came to this conclusion? The midwives, if anything, are on @cookies33‘s side!

Watching her feed the baby and change the nappy are quite normal things after a traumatic birth with subsequent infection! They need to ensure that she can manage these things when she returns home.

If anything, him shouting abuse at her about changing the nappy will be noted against him, so the midwives, who right now thing she’s going home with that thing who fathered the baby, want to make sure that she can manage single-handedly once at home. They are probably also concerned about their colleagues who will have to visit this poor lady and this awful thing that fathered the baby, who, is not only abusive, but so confident in his manipulation techniques that he thinks he can get away with abusing not only his partner in a public space but everyone else who’s around him and he actually thinks OP will go home with him!

@cookies33

If I tell the midwife what is going on will they report me to social services?

I'm not going to lie, I should think they already have, as they have already indicated that they’re concerned about your welfare, simply by the fact they kept asking if everything was okay.

I do suffer from anxiety and this has been picked up by the midwives.

You would be a very unusual person if you didn’t suffer from anxiety in this situation!

I just feel so depressed, I just want to be able to enjoy my son and be happy but he is and has ruining everything for me.

You are not able to enjoy your baby because he is sucking any happiness out of you, and I fear that this abuse will only get worse.

As soon as I gave birth I had two minutes of skin to skin before I was rushed into theatre and the midwives gave my son to my partner for two hours for him to do skin to skin and I feel because of that he uses that to try and hurt me.

You do know that this is manipulation and emotional abuse, right? You didn’t just ignore your son, you went into theatre! This guy is a douchebag and doesn’t deserve you, or your son! A real man would be encouraging a bond between the three of you, not trying to tear you down emotionally!

I just feel so trapped.

And that’s exactly how he wants you to feel!

My family live 40 mins away and I have no friends or family here and he is worse than before.

Can I ask why you moved there? For him, or for work? Call your parents and ask them to come and collect you. If your dad is quite handy, ask him to change the locks, if the home is in your name. Your parents can collect all the things you need. If the baby’s father kicks off, in any way, whether verbal or physical, call 999. Hopefully, they will hear all the abuse and also it will be recorded on their system.

Shouting at me in my own apartment for leaving the door open and letting the heat out.

I have no words, he’s not even a person to me anymore, just a Thing.

I am scared that if I leave I wont be able to cope.

If you leave, you will cope even better, because you won’t have that douchebag constantly haranguing you about any and every thing!

Go to your parents, for your life and your baby's wellbeing.

Make a polite excuse if you have to - say you're feeling more ill than expected and need a lot of physical support for yourself and the baby to be looked after.

Get a breathing space and rest up and recover from birth and bond with your baby.

Take as much help from any social services type agency that will offer it. It's best to work with them and tell the truth than them think you're a selfish mother who can't be trusted and maybe puts a bloke before the welfare of a newborn.

You can do this! You're too 'in it' to have perspective but it's going to be OK. You need distance and space, and most of all SAFETY.

@Banana1979

The name can be added later and you don’t have to be on the birth certificate to pay child support.

It’s wrong to tell OP to put the father down, as once on there, he will have parental rights.

This could severely impact both OP and the baby in years to come! For instance, OP could meet a lovely wonderful man and want to go and live in, e.g. the Republic of Ireland with him, or America, or Australia - the father could veto that as he has parental rights.

This might seem ridiculous at this point in time, but I know someone who was in this situation. Luckily for her, even though the father was named in the birth certificate, it was back in the 80’s and he didn’t have parental rights, had always been an absent parent, only reinstating contact once the mother met someone new, and that was only to cause as much trouble for the family as possible, and the family went abroad and lived quite happily.

please don’t listen to people saying you shouldn’t put DP name on the birth certificate -that is ridiculous and petty and why wouldn’t you want your child to have his fathers name on the first certificate?

Because that would give him immediate parental responsibility. Why would you be encouraging a woman who is being abused to willingly hand over 50 percent legal rights of her tiny newborn? She needs peace and to be able to make decisions for herself and her baby. If he is that bothered about getting PR he can go to court to ask for it but does he really sound like someone who is interested in his child?

Also it's nonsense that you can't claim CMS if they aren't on the birth certificate. They can request a DNA test but if they refuse to take one paternity will be assumed.

You'll cope a LOT better with your baby without him abusing you and dragging you down.