To leave partner after having newborn baby

[cookies33]

I gave birth last Wednesday and what was a perfect birth ended up in me needing a blood transfusion and possible sepis infection.

All week my partner has been stressing and stressing me to the point where I have had enough and considering leaving him and going back to my parents.

I am still in hospital.

I am up all night feeding my son and I have not slept since I was admitted to hospital last Monday after my waters broke.

My partner will come in at 11 and moan about feeding and changing his nappy and think thats enough.

He will moan quite loudly on the ward "Why are you not feeding my son"?.

And now the midwives has asked me to feed my son and change his nappy in front of them once to ensure I was doing it properly.

Partner will come into hospital and start shouting and having heated arguments with me and I am sure the midwives and other patients have heard.

All week my partner has been running round getting things for the baby ( I have been giving him money ) and throws it back in my face.

I have had enough and cant take this anymore.

I am supposed to be discharged today and really cannot stand being with him anymore.

I am in tears as I write this.

I am thinking of reporting this to the police and I am sure this is domestic abuse.

I am in constant pain and have no support from him whatsoever.

I am being bullied into my son having partners surname.

i just cant take anymore.

If you are not married then he has no right to insist the baby gets his surname and the parental rights that go with it.

He will still be liable for child support even if the baby does not have his surname.

Do not give in to his bullying over this. You have six weeks to recover at your parents' home and slip off one day to register the birth without him.

If he’s treating you like this on a public ward, can you imagine how much worse he’ll be once you get home?.

Please talk to your midwives, go to your parents and don’t put him on the birth certificate or give the baby his surname. You can get through this, you just need rest and some support from your traumatic birth.

Please absolutely go to your parents house. You can say you need their support if you need an excuse.

do not go home with him

Having a newborn and going through what sounds like a very traumatic birth is stressful enough. Add in what sounds like a prick of partner and it isn't helping!

I think I would take up your parents on their offer. Hopefully they can run around after you and help you out. Like if you go home with your boyfriend will he be asking what's for dinner and why isn't the loo clean?!

I'm so sorry your " DP" has turned out to be a bully in what should be such a happy time
You can do this without him so please don't worry or look too far ahead for now
Talk to a midwife and tell her everything
You can ask them to refuse him entry
They will have noticed how he is anyway I'm sure
When you are discharged go home with your parents and be looked after and supported
You and DS will be checked daily by the midwife visiting you, so again put them in the picture
Register baby on your own and slowly things will fall into place, I promise.
Congratulations on your DS

Congratulations on your new baby 👶.

I think you should go to your parents house so you can have some support and build up your strength.

I think you should give your baby your surname. If you want to compromise you could double barrel but it's entirely your choice.

@cookies33 is he usually a bully? Could his behaviour be stress related? I'm not making excuses for him I'm just wondering if this is who he is or if it's situational.

Speak to the midwives/ nurses about your situation. Explain that you want to leave your partner and that you don’t feel safe with him. That you don’t want to be discharged to go home with him.

Go to your parents. Definitely. You need support not undermining. You also need sleep you poor thing!

I agree register the birth in your name, and without listing him as the father.

If he can bully a grown woman like this , Imagine how he could behave with a defenceless child . Please talk to anyone who will listen and take their help . Good luck and congratulations on your lovely baby .

Congratulations. Please do not take your tiny newborn into an abusive home, that is no way for this little one's life to start.

He is clearly controlling, and as the baby grows up the baby will believe his behaviour is acceptable. If you were married then perhaps the surname should be his, apat from that, no reason what soever. He's just scum and the nurses are trying to give you as many choices as possible to just tell them that you need to get away from him. It's a hard jump, but if you don't do it now, the chasm just gets bigger.

Yes and also call police or ask for them to be called

I'm so sorry but it sounds like he is trying to build a case against you, and has got the midwives on his side.
Ask them if there is a problem, tell them what is happening, and get the situation recorded on your notes if you can.

If he's shouting and causing heated arguments in a maternity ward then I'm sure that the midwives would be making social services aware. You're now on their radar.

Speak with the midwives and your parents and tell them everything. Things can be put in place to safeguard you and your newborn.

Do not go home whilst he is there.

You poor pet.

Yes this is abuse.

Do not go home with him under any circumstances.

Tell the nurses he is abusive.

Go home with your parents.

Do not give the baby his name.

You and your baby need protecting from him.

This is abuse.

Do not hesitate to ask for the police to be called.

Please please please DO NOT go back to him. Tell the midwives there is a problem with him and you do not feel safe with him, DO NOT give baby his surname!
Congratulations on your baby OP, don't let this shit head ruin this time for you.

If he’s treating you like this on a public ward, can you imagine how much worse he’ll be once you get home?
This was my first thought too.
There's a reason the fathers are not allowed at the first booking appointment - because the midwife wants to know that you are safe at home and offer help because this is when domestic abuse starts/escalates.
You are sick, vulnerable, exhausted and fair game in his eyes. The gloves are off.
If you ever have a moments doubt about leaving him, ask yourself if this is good enough for your precious baby boy? It's not. And it's not good enough for you, either.
Ask for help. Take every support you can get.
Wishing you lots of love and strength - and congratulations!💐

First of all, congratulations on the birth of your beautiful and clearly much-loved baby!

For the sake of your baby AND for yourself, please, PLEASE tell the midwives that there is domestic abuse and that you are frightened of your partner's behaviour.

I worry how I will cope with looking after a newborn baby

I suspect you will actually cope a lot better without your partner around.

He is, quite clearly, not going to be a hands-on father if he's already moaning about changing a nappy and shopping for the baby. Even if you were to stay with this man, you would be doing everything. If you bring up your son alone, you will still be doing anything but you will not have to deal with being bullied and shouted at by your partner while you're trying to do it. Personally, I'd rather be getting up in the night to care for a baby on my own than getting up in the night to care for a baby while a man I was frightened of shouted at me and criticised me all the time.

Also, I would suggest that if he thinks there is 'no point in anything' if the baby doesn't have his surname, he doesn't actually love his son at all. He just sees him as a way to keep bullying and controlling you.

You are going to be an awesome mum to your beautiful son (you are already doing brilliantly) and you can be even more awesome if you're not walking on eggshells because of this vile man.

Just adding my voice to the chorus.

i would generally say that couples should not make big decisions in the first year. The first year is hard and sometimes there are moments of friction. That is in the absence of abuse.

It is so obvious here it is up in neon lights. In the hospital, your partner should be coddling you and the baby. His job is to take care of you. some men are better at it than others, but they at least try.

ask the midwives to ban him from the ward.
go to your parents.
name your own baby.
ask your parents to go pick up you and the baby’s things
stop giving this man money for things he should be buying for his child.

I was you many years ago. Don't go home to him. I did and trying to keep myself and new born safe while he ranted and raged was so awful. I ended up in a refuge before the baby was a year old. Never went back to him. You have your parents support, grab it with both hands. Everything else can be sorted out later.

Speak to the midwives please.
Tell them that you think that things have slipped into DV since you jave been in hospital, and that you are fearful for yourself and your son.
He sounds like an absolute fucking bully.

Plan to go to your parents and don't go back.

One step at a time OP.

Forget about the birth certificate and his last name etc.

Tell him you are going to stay at your parents for a couple of weeks.

Spend the first 2/3 weeks just focusing on being a new mum and don’t say anything to him about not putting him on the BC or anything (I think you have 3 months to do it).

When he comes to see the baby make sure it’s at a time when your parents are in.

These are the different ways domestic abuse can occur. Have a look at the document and then go and speak to a midwife when your partner is not there and explain you think you might be in an abusive relationship. They will be very helpful and assist you in being discharged when he’s not there so you can get to your parents without having to worry about him. When you get to your parents be very honest about what’s been happening so they can support you fully and make sure you and your son are safe.

Oh love, I'm so sorry.

The responses here are so consistent -

He is abusing you

This will only get worse

Have him barred from the ward because of his behaviour

Pick up the phone and tell your parents he's abusing you, tell them you need help to get away and help with recovery and your new baby

Don't give the baby his surname

Rest, recover, heal and build your strength.

Love to you and baby.

If I tell the midwife what is going on will they report me to social services?

I do suffer from anxiety and this has been picked up by the midwives.

I just feel so depressed, I just want to be able to enjoy my son and be happy but he is and has ruining everything for me.

As soon as I gave birth I had two minutes of skin to skin before I was rushed into theatre and the midwives gave my son to my partner for two hours for him to do skin to skin and I feel because of that he uses that to try and hurt me.

Have left the hospital and back at home, because I had no baby car seat he collected us.

I just feel so trapped.
My family live 40 mins away and I have no friends or family here and he is worse than before.

Shouting at me in my own apartment for leaving the door open and letting the heat out.

I am scared that if I leave I wont be able to cope.