Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do the driving over Christmas?

105 replies

Aquarelles · 20/11/2023 10:33

Ex DP and I split towards the end of last year. Sold house and went our separate ways end of January.

We now live 30 miles apart and in these past 10 months, ex has done the drop off/pick up for our DS twice. Once to have a nosey at my new house, and again when I was struck down with Covid. The rest of the time I have travelled up and down the dual carriageway 4 times a week to facilitate shared custody. I hate it but I need him to do his share so I can work.

AIBU to say that once I break off for Christmas and pick DS up on the 22nd, ex will need to do the driving if he wants to see his son. It's been a long year for me and I'm looking forward to kicking back and hibernating over the Christmas period. He and his family are big drinkers and he's going to be at his mums for the majority of the time so I imagine he will expect me to continue doing the driving so he can bevvy up.

AIBU?

OP posts:
wineandmaltesershappyme · 20/11/2023 10:38

Bloody well do it OP. He is his son too, it should be 50/50.
I hope you have a lovely long restful break.

Backtoreality1 · 20/11/2023 10:40

You are not BU but would you be facing the risk of him collecting/dropping child with alcohol in his system? Sounds like it would be a possibility. Also, how old is child and will they get a say in whether they want to go or not?

CornishGem1975 · 20/11/2023 10:44

Who moved away from who for context?

Original poster
Aquarelles · 20/11/2023 10:44

Backtoreality1 · 20/11/2023 10:40

You are not BU but would you be facing the risk of him collecting/dropping child with alcohol in his system? Sounds like it would be a possibility. Also, how old is child and will they get a say in whether they want to go or not?

I'm not worried about him driving under the influence, he would never ever do that. He likes a drink but he's very anti-drink driving.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aquarelles · 20/11/2023 10:45

CornishGem1975 · 20/11/2023 10:44

Who moved away from who for context?

He moved away and moved back in with mum and dad. It's also in the same town as his work.

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 20/11/2023 10:48

Typically the one who moves away has to facilitate the extra travel that their moving causes.

I'd definetly take Christmas break off from doing it all, and tell ex that from January onwards a new arrangement is needed.

Weepingwillows12 · 20/11/2023 10:49

Honestly I would want to do what you say asot sounds really frustrating but what impact Will it have on your DS? Will your ex come for your son or just not bother and will that upset your ds or will he just not be fussed? Why doesn't he collect now? What's his reason? Does he not drive?

CornishGem1975 · 20/11/2023 10:55

@Aquarelles In that case, he needs to step up.

What are the arrangements over Christmas? Is your DS going to spend a few days with him? If so then it shouldn't be a big deal for him to pick him up and drop him off once over that period.

Original poster
Aquarelles · 20/11/2023 10:55

Weepingwillows12 · 20/11/2023 10:49

Honestly I would want to do what you say asot sounds really frustrating but what impact Will it have on your DS? Will your ex come for your son or just not bother and will that upset your ds or will he just not be fussed? Why doesn't he collect now? What's his reason? Does he not drive?

DS is the most laid-back child you will ever meet. He loves spending time with his granny and grandad but if I say to him "you're spending the week here instead" he wouldn't be bothered in the slightest. Of course if he expresses a desire to see his dad or grandparents, I will accommodate it. He's the most important person in all this. He has told me that he's looking forward to lazy days cuddled on the sofa playing games and watching Christmas movies.

Ex has never given a reason, he just doesn't do it. He drives and has a car.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aquarelles · 20/11/2023 10:57

CornishGem1975 · 20/11/2023 10:55

@Aquarelles In that case, he needs to step up.

What are the arrangements over Christmas? Is your DS going to spend a few days with him? If so then it shouldn't be a big deal for him to pick him up and drop him off once over that period.

We haven't actually discussed what the arrangements are going to be this year.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/11/2023 11:00

YANBU at all

”As I’ve done a lot of the driving so far, I won’t be doing it over these holidays. Sure you’ll understand.”

kweeble · 20/11/2023 11:02

It needs to be half the trips at least if he’s moved away.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 20/11/2023 11:04

I'd worry that he will either drive hungover or being difficult about childcare after xmas.

I voted yabu, not because you are but because I dont think youre solving the right problem.

MoggyP · 20/11/2023 11:05

You're the one who moved away, by the sound of it.

So yes, the expectation is that you are the one who will do the travelling.

Continue the status quo until you get it properly sorted out through mediation.

And never, ever, whatever the dispute, use your DS as a bargaining chip like this

Original poster
Aquarelles · 20/11/2023 11:07

MoggyP · 20/11/2023 11:05

You're the one who moved away, by the sound of it.

So yes, the expectation is that you are the one who will do the travelling.

Continue the status quo until you get it properly sorted out through mediation.

And never, ever, whatever the dispute, use your DS as a bargaining chip like this

I didn't move away. My new house is a 5 minute walk from our old house.

I'm not using DS as a bargaining chip. Ex can see his son whenever he wants, he just has to come and do the collecting.

OP posts:
foulksmills · 20/11/2023 11:08

MoggyP · 20/11/2023 11:05

You're the one who moved away, by the sound of it.

So yes, the expectation is that you are the one who will do the travelling.

Continue the status quo until you get it properly sorted out through mediation.

And never, ever, whatever the dispute, use your DS as a bargaining chip like this

What post are you reading?

SecondUsername4me · 20/11/2023 11:08

MoggyP · 20/11/2023 11:05

You're the one who moved away, by the sound of it.

So yes, the expectation is that you are the one who will do the travelling.

Continue the status quo until you get it properly sorted out through mediation.

And never, ever, whatever the dispute, use your DS as a bargaining chip like this

Why haven't you read rhe OPs posts?

MyCircumference · 20/11/2023 11:09

he may be anti drink driving but what about the morning after the night before, still has alcohol in his system
is he safe?

Original poster
Aquarelles · 20/11/2023 11:11

MyCircumference · 20/11/2023 11:09

he may be anti drink driving but what about the morning after the night before, still has alcohol in his system
is he safe?

He doesn't drive the morning after, either. He sits and works out the units to make sure he's legal. I'm not worried about that at all.

OP posts:
PianPianPiano · 20/11/2023 11:13

MoggyP · 20/11/2023 11:05

You're the one who moved away, by the sound of it.

So yes, the expectation is that you are the one who will do the travelling.

Continue the status quo until you get it properly sorted out through mediation.

And never, ever, whatever the dispute, use your DS as a bargaining chip like this

Someone's made up an entirely different story in their head. Projecting maybe?

Crunchingleaf · 20/11/2023 11:15

He should be doing half the driving and since he hasn’t done so far you need to draw a line in sand and say he is to do his share from now on.

Nonoatchristmas · 20/11/2023 11:15

Why on earth did your ex move 30 miles back in with his parents? Is he one of these blokes who loses a wife and instantly has to be looked after by their parents forevermore/until he finds a new mumwife? Sorry I know it’s not the point, sometimes moving away is the only affordable option after a split but this seems unnecessary.

Yes, he should be doing more pickups. It should be one parent does one trip and the other returns. I say this, my ex lives 20 minutes walk away and barring disaster it’s always me who does drop off/pick up. Bad habit to get into…

MoggyP · 20/11/2023 11:17

PianPianPiano · 20/11/2023 11:13

Someone's made up an entirely different story in their head. Projecting maybe?

Show quote history

OP said she was the one with the new house, so yes I assumed she was the one who had moved away (that's why I said "by the sound of it") and I stand by my advice if the assumption is indeed correct.

Perhaps OP can clarify?

Nonoatchristmas · 20/11/2023 11:23

MoggyP · 20/11/2023 11:17

OP said she was the one with the new house, so yes I assumed she was the one who had moved away (that's why I said "by the sound of it") and I stand by my advice if the assumption is indeed correct.

Perhaps OP can clarify?

Show quote history

Op has clarified.

Original poster
Aquarelles · 20/11/2023 11:23

Nonoatchristmas · 20/11/2023 11:15

Why on earth did your ex move 30 miles back in with his parents? Is he one of these blokes who loses a wife and instantly has to be looked after by their parents forevermore/until he finds a new mumwife? Sorry I know it’s not the point, sometimes moving away is the only affordable option after a split but this seems unnecessary.

Yes, he should be doing more pickups. It should be one parent does one trip and the other returns. I say this, my ex lives 20 minutes walk away and barring disaster it’s always me who does drop off/pick up. Bad habit to get into…

Yeah, we've fallen into the habit too and now it's expected of me. I'm tired and I just want a break from it.

Yes, he is the sort who needs to be looked-after. He's living with mummy, paying no rent, paying no bills, she does his cooking/cleaning/washing. That's a whole different thread though.

OP posts: