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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to do the driving over Christmas?

105 replies

Aquarelles · 20/11/2023 10:33

Ex DP and I split towards the end of last year. Sold house and went our separate ways end of January.

We now live 30 miles apart and in these past 10 months, ex has done the drop off/pick up for our DS twice. Once to have a nosey at my new house, and again when I was struck down with Covid. The rest of the time I have travelled up and down the dual carriageway 4 times a week to facilitate shared custody. I hate it but I need him to do his share so I can work.

AIBU to say that once I break off for Christmas and pick DS up on the 22nd, ex will need to do the driving if he wants to see his son. It's been a long year for me and I'm looking forward to kicking back and hibernating over the Christmas period. He and his family are big drinkers and he's going to be at his mums for the majority of the time so I imagine he will expect me to continue doing the driving so he can bevvy up.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 20/11/2023 11:24

If your child isn't bothered visiting then enjoy your bonding time this Christmas, cuddled on the sofa watching films (sounds bliss).

The rest of the time I have travelled up and down the dual carriageway 4 times a week to facilitate shared custody. I hate it but I need him to do his share so I can work.
Maybe it's time to split. Since you need him for work you take your son there, but he can bring his son back.

Nonoatchristmas · 20/11/2023 11:27

Aquarelles · 20/11/2023 11:23

Yeah, we've fallen into the habit too and now it's expected of me. I'm tired and I just want a break from it.

Yes, he is the sort who needs to be looked-after. He's living with mummy, paying no rent, paying no bills, she does his cooking/cleaning/washing. That's a whole different thread though.

Show quote history

I know one of those men (not my ex to be fair, he definitely wants to be looked after but lives in his own place). I can make assumptions that many things wouldn’t get sorted if you didn’t arrange it? I’ve found the best way is to say ‘you let me know what’s happening/when you’re picking up’ and just leave it at that. Eventually he’ll cop on it’s one thing you’re not sorting for him. Compromise certainly, but that means him doing his bit as well.

FetchezLaVache · 20/11/2023 11:27

MoggyP · 20/11/2023 11:17

OP said she was the one with the new house, so yes I assumed she was the one who had moved away (that's why I said "by the sound of it") and I stand by my advice if the assumption is indeed correct.

Perhaps OP can clarify?

Show quote history

Sold house and went our separate ways

...which I would take to mean that they both have new homes.

Original poster
Aquarelles · 20/11/2023 11:28

AutumnFroglets · 20/11/2023 11:24

If your child isn't bothered visiting then enjoy your bonding time this Christmas, cuddled on the sofa watching films (sounds bliss).

The rest of the time I have travelled up and down the dual carriageway 4 times a week to facilitate shared custody. I hate it but I need him to do his share so I can work.
Maybe it's time to split. Since you need him for work you take your son there, but he can bring his son back.

Ex's brother has recently separated from his wife so there won't be any kids or anyone to play with at Granny's house this year - whereas previous years there's been 3-4 kids for him to pal about with. This year it's all adults so I don't think he feels he would be missing out on anything by staying with boring old mum Grin

OP posts:
PianPianPiano · 20/11/2023 11:29

MoggyP · 20/11/2023 11:17

OP said she was the one with the new house, so yes I assumed she was the one who had moved away (that's why I said "by the sound of it") and I stand by my advice if the assumption is indeed correct.

Perhaps OP can clarify?

Show quote history

The OP has clarified at least twice now in a very short thread that he moved away, one of which was only the 5th post on the thread, a good 20 minutes before you posted.

Allfur · 20/11/2023 11:30

He can get a cab

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/11/2023 11:31

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/11/2023 11:00

YANBU at all

”As I’ve done a lot of the driving so far, I won’t be doing it over these holidays. Sure you’ll understand.”

Yup

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/11/2023 11:31

Are you prepared for him to call you bluff and get no time off over Xmas?

VickyEadieofThigh · 20/11/2023 11:33

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/11/2023 11:31

Are you prepared for him to call you bluff and get no time off over Xmas?

If you read the OP's posts, she's fine with spending Xmas with her child.

Original poster
Aquarelles · 20/11/2023 11:35

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/11/2023 11:31

Are you prepared for him to call you bluff and get no time off over Xmas?

100000%. If I'm really honest with myself, I don't want ex to step up and do the driving because I want DS with me this year Smile

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 20/11/2023 11:37

You can't control whether he drinks and drives or drives hungover. Either you trust him to be responsible there or not.

Of course you can say "looks like it's your turn to do the driving for the next few visits as I've done the last X number". But don't say "if you want to see your son: it's unnecessarily antagonistic.

Presumably you'll want to get dates confirmed quite soon?

BigBoysDontCry · 20/11/2023 11:38

Yes I think that's fair over Christmas and PP is correct for ongoing, you need the childcare so you drop him off so as to negate the chance he doesn't pick up. It's then up to him to bring your son back.

Assuming of course that he wouldn't just keep him?

Original poster
Aquarelles · 20/11/2023 11:42

Whataretheodds · 20/11/2023 11:37

You can't control whether he drinks and drives or drives hungover. Either you trust him to be responsible there or not.

Of course you can say "looks like it's your turn to do the driving for the next few visits as I've done the last X number". But don't say "if you want to see your son: it's unnecessarily antagonistic.

Presumably you'll want to get dates confirmed quite soon?

I do trust him to be responsible with drinking and driving.

I get where you're coming from and you're right, we should probably just have the talk and decide who is having DS and when over the break.

The unofficial rule has been ex has DS when I need to work, and I have DS when I'm off work. I'm off work for 2 weeks over Christmas so I am hoping to spend some quality time with him.

OP posts:
Canisaysomething · 20/11/2023 11:44

Just tell him your car is in the garage for repair nearer the time so he needs to drive, then have a proper chat about it after Christmas.

LlynTegid · 20/11/2023 11:49

Why wait until Christmas to have him do a share, or indeed his parents if they drive?

Or agree to New Year with your ex, and you have Christmas with him.

EarthlyNightshade · 20/11/2023 11:49

MoggyP · 20/11/2023 11:05

You're the one who moved away, by the sound of it.

So yes, the expectation is that you are the one who will do the travelling.

Continue the status quo until you get it properly sorted out through mediation.

And never, ever, whatever the dispute, use your DS as a bargaining chip like this

Perhaps asking who moved away (as someone did above and indeed had an answer before you posted) would have been better than assuming.

And your last line is just plain mean.

Ceci03 · 20/11/2023 11:55

Haven't read the whole thread but when I split from dh I never ever dropped kids to him . I had them all week and did all the running around and did matches on Saturdays so my view was if he wanted to see them he needed to drive over and get them. Why on earth r u bringing them to him. Wise up OP

Original poster
Aquarelles · 20/11/2023 11:57

LlynTegid · 20/11/2023 11:49

Why wait until Christmas to have him do a share, or indeed his parents if they drive?

Or agree to New Year with your ex, and you have Christmas with him.

I've just got it in my head that because ex is doing me a favour by having DS to facilitate my work, I should be the one to do the travelling. Ex doesn't need me to do the same because he's got built-in childcare.

It's not a strenuous journey - it's dual carriageway there and back. It just takes a lot out of my day on top of working full time.

OP posts:
Starwarslover · 20/11/2023 12:01

YANDBU, I’m gobsmacked you’ve had to do all the driving facilitation up to now OP. Sounds like you’re well shot of him.

Completely fair to say I’ve done every single drive up until now because I have to for work, whilst I’m not working over Christmas you’ll need to drive. And that if he does his fair share next year then you’ll be happy to continue sharing next Christmas.

Night409 · 20/11/2023 12:05

YANBU

Going forward can you not just meet half way?

It seems daft that one of you has to drive a 60mile round trip (120 if you’re collecting him as well).

Why can’t you both meet in the middle and then are both only driving 30miles?

I get why you drop him off if you need childcare for work but I don’t understand why you’re picking him up too.
I would have just told him he needs to drop him back.

Night409 · 20/11/2023 12:08

Aquarelles · 20/11/2023 11:57

I've just got it in my head that because ex is doing me a favour by having DS to facilitate my work, I should be the one to do the travelling. Ex doesn't need me to do the same because he's got built-in childcare.

It's not a strenuous journey - it's dual carriageway there and back. It just takes a lot out of my day on top of working full time.

Show quote history

You need to turn this around though.

Yes he’s doing you a favour because it coincides with when you need to go to work but he is just seeing his child - something that he should be doing anyway, regardless of whether you work or not.

You are doing the driving as a way of thanking him for looking after his own child which is mad.

Can you not get other childcare?
If so, I’d just say you can’t afford and don’t have time to drive the 120miles anymore.
If he wants to see his child then he needs to make the effort to do so.

He’s not doing you a favour by seeing his child.

Ktime · 20/11/2023 12:09

MoggyP · 20/11/2023 11:05

You're the one who moved away, by the sound of it.

So yes, the expectation is that you are the one who will do the travelling.

Continue the status quo until you get it properly sorted out through mediation.

And never, ever, whatever the dispute, use your DS as a bargaining chip like this

Are you going to apologise to OP, MoggyP?

wildwestpioneer · 20/11/2023 12:10

I'd say exactly what you've said in your op

As you've done all bar 2 drop off and collections it will be his responsibility to do them over the Christmas break if he wants to spend time with his dc.

PeachBlossom1234 · 20/11/2023 12:11

Absolutely no way, it needs to be 50/50. One collects, the other returns. My ex collects our DD from school on his Friday and I collect her on Sunday evening. Why should you do all the driving and paying for petrol?? That should have been noted in your agreement

NotLactoseFree · 20/11/2023 12:14

How on earth is he doing you a "favour"? He's looking after his child. I mean sure, it's considerate if he's agreeing to always facilitate your work hours rather than picking times that are more convenient for him, but it's not a "favour".

But even if you see it as such, Christmas is different. you don't need him to have Ds because you're working.

I'd be getting in touch now to agree Christmas. something like, "I've been thinking about Christmas. I'd like to have DS for these days and suggest you have him for yy days. You could collect him from mine on Tuesday and I'll come and pick him up on Friday..." or whatever the days are. So in the arrangements, offer it in a way that makes it clear you are doing no more than half the driving.

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