To refuse to do the driving over Christmas?

[Aquarelles]

Ex DP and I split towards the end of last year. Sold house and went our separate ways end of January.

We now live 30 miles apart and in these past 10 months, ex has done the drop off/pick up for our DS twice. Once to have a nosey at my new house, and again when I was struck down with Covid. The rest of the time I have travelled up and down the dual carriageway 4 times a week to facilitate shared custody. I hate it but I need him to do his share so I can work.

AIBU to say that once I break off for Christmas and pick DS up on the 22nd, ex will need to do the driving if he wants to see his son. It's been a long year for me and I'm looking forward to kicking back and hibernating over the Christmas period. He and his family are big drinkers and he's going to be at his mums for the majority of the time so I imagine he will expect me to continue doing the driving so he can bevvy up.

AIBU?

Thank you. I've never thought about it that way before.

I'm happy to pay for other childcare but DS loves seeing his grandparents and they love seeing him so it works out mutually beneficial for both.

You're definitely not being unreasonable. He needs to do his share of driving. Really he should be facilitating most of it since he moved away but I think it's only fair that he at least does 50%.

My DH does most of the drop off and pick ups but his ex is only 2 miles away and it's just easier because her time keeping isn't the best so saves us waiting around. She'll drop off if she's out with the kids and it's on the way home.

Would it be reasonable to ask to have DS 22nd - 27th? It's grandad's birthday on the 27th so I imagine there will be a party and DS will want to go.

What is "fair" in scenarios where parents are separated? Should it be days-about or should "big days" like 24th, 25th be split in half so both parents can spend time?

This is uncharted territory for me because, despite us being separated, ex was still in the family home for Christmas last year.

that was nasty and needless. At no stage has op behaved as if her son is a pawn in any of this. Did you read what you wrote before you posted?

It's also difficult to navigate because ex is working over Christmas/New Year whereas I'm not. He goes back to work on the 26th.

I don't grudge DS spending time with the grandparents but I would rather have him with me while ex is working.

I think there are two separate issues - the driving which has been discussed here already - and the timing.

On timing, I think every family has tow work out what works for them. if your ex is not working over Christmas only, he might conceivably want at least some time with your DS while he's around. But how flexible are his family on Christmas activities etc? eg, could you say that he has him until Christmas Eve, you collect him, and then he can have him back for Grandparents birthday party?

But if you'd like to have him that Christmas week, it doesn't hurt to ask. Your ex may agree?

Tbh I would carry on doing it over Xmas but make it clear, now, that in the new year ex will need to either pick up or drop off or do half of all journeys however you want to word it.

New year, reset expectations.

'Hi ex, given that January is a new year for us all, I think it's best if DS journeys are shared between us. From New Year you will need to start doing a 50% share of travel. I suggest that I will do all return journeys but you will need to collect DS from mine for all visits. Best, Aquarelles'

Meet halfway. Job sorted.

Then DS should be with you.

Ex can have days he is not working, but needs to collect and drop himself.

Be aware that if you let DS go there on 23 or 24 Dec then ex may not bother bringing ds back for you and just let have his parents have ds for Christmas.

We alternate every year so last year we had the kids Xmas eve until 2pm and this year their mum's have them then we pick them up at 2pm and have them for dinner until 2pm boxing day.

I doesn't really matter what you have on on your families side. It's only fair that both parents get to spend some time at Xmas with their kids. Unfortunately one of the things about being separated is that the kids won't be there for everything. My parents are having the big family dinner on boxing day as everyone does their own thing on Xmas day. Last year we had the kids so they got to go, this year we don't so we can enjoy a drink without worrying about getting the kids home to bed.

I was thinking about giving an open invitation for the 24th. Ex can come to my house and spend time with DS here. Ex is hard work though and I don't know if I want him in my personal space

Just text him "I've booked the Christmas break off to spend time with ds. Let me know, outside of 23-26th Dec which days you'd like him over the holidays. Obvs next year you can let me know if you want him over 23-26th dec"

Just present it as a done deal.

@MoggyP Why not learn how to use Mumsnet properly before posting completely pointless drivel?

Hint: at the bottom of the first post, click on ‘See all’ to read all of the OP’s posts so far.

OP you are trying to be way too accommodating to him. He already has a mother and father who panders to him. He is a grown man.

15 years is a hard habit to break You're right. I don't know why I'm still putting myself out for this man. He's 44 years old!!!

I think you should offer him the weekend before Xmas day (23/24) then you can have him 25th onwards.
And with regards the driving in future why not make it that you drop him off and he then has to bring him back, that way he can't piss about with not taking him when you need him to.

I've just checked and ex is working on the 24th. 2pm to 8pm so that idea is out the window now thankfully

My brother will have his DC all of Christmas Eve and then half of Christmas Day.
Then their mum has them the other half of Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
Then every year they swap over, so both get a Christmas morning every other year.

Other people I know will have 2 completely separate Christmas days and will celebrate the 2nd Christmas on Boxing Day and take in turns who has them on the actual Christmas Day.

I would work out when your both working and take into account DS’s feelings.
Some kids want to see their other parents/grandparents on Xmas day but some don’t want to do lots of travelling and would rather see them on a different day.

Good ideas, thank you.

DS and I are putting the tree up together this weekend so I think I'll just ask him what he would prefer to do. There are no grandparents on my side. It would just be the 2 of us on Christmas day.

Thank you for your opinions, everyone. I'm starting to see that who is doing the driving is irrelevant here and I'll need to work around what is best for DS in terms of seeing his dad and grandparents.

In our family it's usually alternated Christmas Eve and morning with one parent then Christmas Dinner and Boxing Day with the other. This is reliant on being close enough to facilitate though.

Yeah, that would have worked brilliantly if we lived closer. 30 miles isn't far but it's far enough to be a pain in the ass!!

Please tell me he ar least pays child maintenance

Don't be silly. That would mean having to dig into the thousands of pounds he conned out of me when we separated. Why do you think he's still with mummy?

@Aquarelles What is the chance he is going to drink and drive with your son in the car?