To refuse to do the driving over Christmas?

[Aquarelles]

Ex DP and I split towards the end of last year. Sold house and went our separate ways end of January.

We now live 30 miles apart and in these past 10 months, ex has done the drop off/pick up for our DS twice. Once to have a nosey at my new house, and again when I was struck down with Covid. The rest of the time I have travelled up and down the dual carriageway 4 times a week to facilitate shared custody. I hate it but I need him to do his share so I can work.

AIBU to say that once I break off for Christmas and pick DS up on the 22nd, ex will need to do the driving if he wants to see his son. It's been a long year for me and I'm looking forward to kicking back and hibernating over the Christmas period. He and his family are big drinkers and he's going to be at his mums for the majority of the time so I imagine he will expect me to continue doing the driving so he can bevvy up.

AIBU?

You really need to put a stop of him taking the utter piss out of you. Does he work? You need to contact CMS and arrange for him to start paying maintenance.

Absolute joke of a man paying nothing towards his child and letting you go to the expense and effort of doing all the driving too. He'll only take the piss out you as long as you let him though.

Zero. I don't believe he would ever do that. He has been zero tolerance on drink driving for the entire time I've known him.

He has DS almost 50% of the time and earns a pittance so I wouldn't be due much anyway. He is also very flexible when I have work commitments. I've had to travel abroad twice in the past 2 months for a work trip and have another one coming up w/c 18th Dec which he is taking DS for.

This is why it helps to read all of the OP's posts first before commenting...

Our rule was always that you picked your child up. So if he's going to his dad's house, his dad has to come and get him from yours. If he's coming home, you go and get him from his dad's. That way, there's an inventive (if he needs one) to make the effort to drive, because he won't see his son otherwise. And if he DOES refuse to drive, you're not in a situation where he was supposed to bring him home and won't.

For goodness sake people!

Op has multiple times that her ex is no more likely to drink drive or drive when hungover /over limit than she is.

Lets not infantilise men shall we.

Fair enough, just the way you replied to PP who asked made it sound like he should be paying maintenance but isn't.

I like one PPs idea of each parent collecting at the start of their contact time. That's fair and makes sense to do it that was as if he can't be arsed driving then he doesn't get to see his child.

Can the grandparents help with the driving? I know this would just let ex-H off the hook even more as to responsibility, but it appears his parents are already doing that. I mention this because my son is divorced; my husband is retired and I work part time. We help our son and ex-DIL with transporting our grandchildren back and forth when needed. It's about the same distance, a 30-minute drive.

My Ex and I split Christmas.

Christmas Eve until 1pm Christmas Day with one parent then until 4pm Boxing Day with the other. Whichever parent has Christmas Day afternoon has DD for lunch.

It was court ordered that way.

Court also ordered for me to do the driving from ExH because he was abusive. We have to split things 50/50, we tend to just take it in turns EOWend, so one weekend I do both drop off and pick up to/from him then next time he does it.

Did you even read Op's comments before replying with such a shitty comment?

She did not move, he did.

How exactly is she using her DS as a bargaining chip?

His mum doesn't drive but his dad does.

I think it would be really cheeky if he started asking his dad to help with the pick-ups/drop offs. Ex has a car, is perfectly capable, and only works part time so plenty of time to do it himself.

Well, there's your leverage then. Research other options, make sure they're actually available- maybe by booking a couple of days in any case. Then tell XDH DS loves seeing his grandparents but he'll have to do his own driving for the coming year. You've already done nearly a year of it and he's the one who moved away. Even if he's a lazy sid I imagine his parents will straighten him out.

Honestly he's been so.lucky that you've done all that for him! I would end all driving now. He ought to collect and pick up his own child. Yes to ending all lifts, especially over Xmas. Your ex has money, a car and all his limbs so nothing stopping him from driving except you!

only works part time

That does make a difference. My son works full time and often has to do overtime, so we are happy to help out.

That's for him to manage though.

You don't need to get involved with how he manages to get his son picked up/dropped up 50% of the time. He needs to sort that.

A different one to everyone else by the look of things! I would set my stall out about 50/50 over Christmas and going forwards

That's true. If Grandad wants to help with the pick ups and drop offs that's absolutely fine with me.

Our main rule is that whoever has the child brings him to the other. So I drop at dad's, dad brings home. Occasionally, that'll change but not often. Works well for us.

Well we haven't discussed Christmas yet but it must be a blue moon because he dropped DS off today! With only a slight mump because I wouldn't drop everything at 10 minutes notice.

Hi ex DP, thank you for stepping up for once 👋

How is he facilitating you working when he moved away and he is simply parenting his own child?! He’s done a right number on you! He moved away, he does the driving. He’s not paying bills or rent, he can fork out for petrol and time to pick up his child.

Update of sorts.

When I dropped DS off to ex yesterday, he said "I've got a favour to ask you... well, my parents have a favour to ask"

Asked if I could have DS over Christmas and New Year because his parents have been asked to host their ex DIL's nephew. He's been struggling emotionally the last couple of years, lashing out at his mum, stealing her car (he's 15), bunking off school, and his parents don't think it will be "safe" to have their own grandchild there at the same time.

My flabber is ghasted that they've agreed to do this, but of course I'm secretly thrilled.

Ex didn't say anything about wanting to come to mine to see his DS so I'm a bit surprised / disappointed but I guess I can see now where their priorities lie.

So... had you discussed Christmas prior to this or were you both still just hoping someone would blink first? If he had agreed to have DS and now has changed his mind, this is pretty shitty even if it does work out for you and you're happy about it.

And if you had never talked about it, I think you both were being a bit silly.

Ultimately though, this is a man who seems to see himself as a willing babysitter rather than an actual father. It's definitely disappointing he isn't thinking that at least some time with your ds over Christmas would be nice.

We had talked it through and agreed on when he was seeing DS.

Now it's all change and he's asked me to have DS from the 22nd right through.

The nephew isn't coming round until the 25th but ex has agreed to the 22nd so he can go away with his friend for some sort of Buddhist star-gazing thing. No idea, and didn't ask him to elaborate.

Aaah, okay, so he thinks it's okay to abandon his plans with DS at Christmas at short notice so he can go hang out with some friends? I mean, I agree that the reason that DS can't go to his grandparents is ridiculous, but it would be the bloody navel gazing that would truly infuriate me.

Oh well, enjoy your Christmas with your DS which was what you were hoping for anyway. And definitely do NOT get back into the habit of doing all the driving next year (although from what has transpired more recently, I suspect if you don't do the driving, his 50/50 and flexibility re your work might disappear I'm afraid).

The troubles grand son gets abandoned at Christmas by his mum? Is that a punishment?