To think that parents have children because they want to have someone to care for them in old age

[redskyanight]

Inspired by some recent threads.

It seems some people think that providing food, housing and paying for a child to do some fun activities means that said child is now obligated to care for them in old age.

I'd argue that these are basic parenting expectations and not something that is done with expectation of a reward.

I'd also argue that in families where relationships are close, adult children will want to take on supporting their parents in old age. Whilst, there may be entirely selfish adult children out there, I suspect in most cases where adult children choose not to support their aging parents, it's because family relationships are poor and/or the parent has needs that are too great for the adult child to meet.

So, please can we stop with the "but your parents cared for you as a child; of course you should look after them when they get old" posts?

Anyone out there admit to caring for their child because they expect care in old age?

I don’t think so. When you’re young enough to have a baby, old age is so fat over the horizon, you don’t even contemplate it hall to you.

I occasionally take a foray into Reddit. The thinking there amongst younger people does seem to be "I owe my parents nothing, but I'm entitled to my inheritance."

I cared for my parents and my husband.

I lived 16 miles away from Mum and Dad. After Dad died, Mum moved in with me - she had dementia. DH was already in poor health and had a stroke before Mum moved in.

I was working full-time, but got carers in to help with Mum. Dh was older than me. I didn't expect help from his adult children, but it would have been nice if they'd offered to sit with Dh for an afternoon maybe once or twice a year.

Eventually, I gave up my job a couple of years early as DH needed more and more hospital appointments.

Dh's ex lost her partner and needed a lift to hospital. One of her kids was comfortably off and not working, but there was no sign of them offering to take her to and from hospital. In the end, I felt sorry for her and offered to take her myself.

I found it puzzling that the kids never ever offered to help out. They were always happy enough to take money from their parents.

It's quite costly and complicated to get to Dignitas so you would want to have it planned quite thoroughly.
You also have to fit within fairly strict criteria before you'd be eligible.

Absolutely not. I can’t think of anything worse. If I begin to lose my mobility and cognition I hope I can lay my hands on a bottle of scotch and some pills.
we’re fortunate in my family to have a handy wee gene that unsubscribes us in our seventies anyway. It’s quick and dramatic but it usually follows perfect health and independence. I’m sort of looking forward to it because I’m knackered now.
although, following the last couple of weeks illness and stress, middle of January will also be acceptable 🤣

I don't think Dignitas or killing yourself cheaply at home are as easy as we think. It would be interesting to come back to this thread in 30 years time.

I am from a culture where elders are looked after at home, so I look at things a bit differently. Though I plan to break the cycle with my own DC, because times have changed.

I don't think most people even consider old age or end of life when having kids, particularly if you have them in your 20s or early 30s. It's just not a part of your thought pattern. You're thinking about starting lives not how you'll end yours. I don't even think a lot of people think that deeply about it- it's just seen as the next stage/an instinctual urge. I think the people who ponder it the most are those who are on the fence/don't want kids.

YABU for thinking you can read people’s minds and know their motives. YABU for making sweeping generalisations.

I've hardly even thought about it.
I don't expect to care for my parents (we are very separate) and I don't expect DD to care for me.

Nope not me. How about you OP?

TBH, I have only ever heard of this on the context of a childfree women being questioned about her choice... "who will look after you when you are old?

I will never provide care for my dad. He is an asshole. If my mum goes first, he will be alone and that is his own fault.

Strange how they never came back.

Has never been too much of a consideration that I'll need their care.
I've been quite open about wanting to be allowed to die before it gets to the point where I need care to meet my daily needs...I'd like to think that my kids would want to take care of me. I'm a committed parent, however I do think that by the time I'm in need of care, they will probably still need to work a huge amount to meet their living costs with the way things are going economically.

I wouldn't put pressure on my kids, as I have been in the sad position of being expected to care for an unwell parent who I don't have much of a relationship with, which actually turned the not much of a relationship into a non existent relationship.

No way. I would hate for my dcs to feel obligated to me in terms of care.

I want them to explore the world, be free and independent. Give me a call or visit once in a while. Whatever they feel like.

I agree that it gets used as a stick to beat child free people, and also people who emigrate, which seems to cause some bitterness and resentment as if they are shirking their responsibilities.

I wasn’t in a position to care for my dad before he died, and I won’t be in position to care for my mum either. Fortunately my brothers are better placed to help, but I still feel an immense amount of guilt and some societal disapproval as the only daughter.

I can’t say it was on my list of reasons.

I looked after my dm to a certain degree and watched my dm look after her parents. It’s the last thing I’d want for my kids. I’ll be outsourcing my care as much as possible so they don’t have to care for me.

As a recruitment strategy for a future carer it is madly unbalanced in terms of time and effort versus likely benefit. Even assuming your relationship was in good health given you only had your kids so they could serve you in old age they might not even be available if they wanted to!

People have like because life is a rich adventure and your family is part of that. Living life together is the point!

Absolutely not.
i don’t want my child to give up her life to take care of me. At most she might take power of attorney at some point, but if she doesn’t want the job, I can hire someone to do it.

Exactly what I was going to say.

We were told a duty to our mam. Maybe in older generations they did. Most people work now too. We help where we can. You have your own life too.

I have absolutely no expectation that my adult DS will look after me or his father in old age. We have a great relationship and are pretty close, despite him not living near to us and we get together when we can but I can't imagine him being our carer or moving closer to us to make it easier to see us.
We had my elderly dad living with us for several years until he died very suddenly so he has seen how that worked, which was very well most of the time, but his life is so different to ours was when that happened I can't imagine it at all. At one point I thought he might go and live in the US but that relationship fizzled out and I can't seeing him taking that leap now but if he did I'd be happy for him if that's what he wanted but would obviously miss him.

God no , I make sure I'm healthy and active as long as possible and to be honest I don't want them interfering in my life plus they aren't getting any inheritance so they won't feel obligated . They have their own life .

All you who have said that the original post is unreasonable are quite awful.
I’ve been emotionally blackmailed by my ill/aging mother all my life. She constantly says stuff like you’re all I’ve got etc etc.. I’m sorry it sounds nasty but I do my best to stay away from her, she needs serious help, or even a care home. But she won’t budge.
like other people have mentioned this is a long time ago problem. We should never feel obligated to look after them.
i will never put my children in that situation never.

Im sure I've responded on this but my dad is on poor health and he has carers come in to look after him. I work full time and have a young family it's just not feesable. I oversee the logistics (speak to carers etc)

I do not want my kids looking after me

I don't want them to care for me. I do want them to care ABOUT me. Make sure I'm OK, help me with new tech when their dad can't anymore, want to spend time with me and bring me beautiful grandchildren (and if I'm very lucky, great grandchildren) to love.

That's if the world hasn't gone to shit mind and putin nukes us all.