To think that parents have children because they want to have someone to care for them in old age

[redskyanight]

Inspired by some recent threads.

It seems some people think that providing food, housing and paying for a child to do some fun activities means that said child is now obligated to care for them in old age.

I'd argue that these are basic parenting expectations and not something that is done with expectation of a reward.

I'd also argue that in families where relationships are close, adult children will want to take on supporting their parents in old age. Whilst, there may be entirely selfish adult children out there, I suspect in most cases where adult children choose not to support their aging parents, it's because family relationships are poor and/or the parent has needs that are too great for the adult child to meet.

So, please can we stop with the "but your parents cared for you as a child; of course you should look after them when they get old" posts?

Anyone out there admit to caring for their child because they expect care in old age?

Some people definitely do this. I’m child free and over the years I’ve had a good few people ask me who’s going to look after me when I’m old

Not for me.

And not for my parents either. My mother (after watching her dad die with very severe dementia) has told us multiple times and in no uncertain terms that if she gets dementia we are to put her in a home, walk away, and never go back.
Obviously I'm aware that there can be plenty of care needs without dementia being involved, and in those cases I'm sure she'd like our company, but her attitude is one of not wanting us to be put upon in any way.

Thread title was so silly I was curious so clicked on it.

I have a partner and good friends. Worked hard and well in life so I have money. If I lose my health I quite fancy one of those retirement villages. Or nice sheltered housing. Or I'll go off to warmer climes end my days out there on family land. Or pay for care if DP can't look after me. Whatever. My DCs won't need to take care of me and I dont want them to, they've their own lives to lead and I've told them this already.

I've told my eldest that if the time comes, to put me in a home and visit me when she can.

I've also told her that when she has children of her own, to enjoy days like Mother's Day as a Mum and not a daughter and some other bits along those lines.

Definitely not what is expected of me though. My mum regularly is 'woe at me' about how no one will look after her like she has (begrudgingly) my Gran. Who just as an fyi should absolutely be in a home with around the clock care, rather than having carers visit 4 times a day and still managing to harm herself.

I thought parents (as in grandparents) were to only be used for childcare?

I have no expectation that either of my children will care for me in my old age. I will not be caring for my own mother or MIL either.

Hahaha is this a joke. OF COURSE the sole reason I had children wasn’t to ‘have someone to care for me in old age’. Mothers aren’t production lines for little carers to come and work for them later on in life. I won’t go into the reasons I did have children it’s been done to death on mumsnet anyway. When I get old, I actually would hate to think of my kids having to wipe my bum and have no life caring for me…ideally I will be healthy up to the end, or if not, I would be perfectly happy them putting me in a nice home and visiting instead…

It's interesting. I can really imagine that happening, while in other circles those people would be talking about wanting their kids to live their lives in New Zealand and not be bothered about the caring.
I admit that I hope my kids are still involved in my life when I am older. I hope they have happy successful fulfilling lives but part of me hopes that they care enough about me to check in on me and keep an eye out for my safety and comfort when they can.
Although, saying that, I wouldn't leave either of them (teenagers) in charge of a hamster right now let alone caring for an older adult!

@redskyanight

I have said YABU - in answer to the headline which asks To think that parents have children because they want to have someone to care for them in old age because I don't think the vast majority of people DO have kids for that reason. But the AIBU is not very clear from your full post as I agree with everything else you said in the full text

Depends on your culture, no? I will be taking my mum into my house in a few years, unless I am completely unable to manage. I get on well with her, though, and I expect to have room for her.

However, I expect my kids to move away so I don't expect them to do anything for me.

I def do not expect my kids to care for me when I am old i dont want them too - what a burden!

I disagree, I feel we should feel obligated to help our parents in older age, not necessarily full on care but certainly helping them to arrange professional care, becoming a power of attorney etc. This idea that we shouldn't help our parents is so selfish.

There's always exceptions, nobody should have to provide assistance to an abuser for instance but in other cases you should be wanting to help

No way in hell would I want my kids looking after me in old age.

I think these generations are also moving away from their parents more than our parents’ generation did. I moved away from my home town for uni and then for work. Not sure what my mum expects me to do in terms of caring for her in old age when I work, have 2 kids and live 3 hours away.

My opinion is that I owe my children as much as I am able to give. They owe me nothing

It's easy to say you'd never expect that of your children but just wait until you're old and vulnerable.

My mum said the same and now she's dying I've been through hell this year with pressure from her and my sister to be her carer.

My sister has a child herself so she thinks that makes her Kofi Annan and free from any obligation.

I've been bullied and brow beaten by family and hospital staff as they see a single woman and decide she can be the care package. I mean never mind my life or career.

My sister also said to me that I'll never have children now and won't have a single visitor when I'm old. She's a cunt and I feel sorry for her child.

My own parents have always said they don't want us to have to do personal care for them (yet my mum did for her mother, and I absolutely would for her, unless she still adamantly didn't want me to).

Christ no I would never expect or want this from my children! When I get up a grandparent lived with us for 17 years from when I was a baby and I helped care for them, loved them to pieces and wouldn't change it for the world. It was really hard on my parents. They have always said stick us in a nursing home and don't look back, I would of course of but I know what they mean. The last thing I would ever want is for my children to care for me or my husband - to keep an eye on us and love us, I hope so but day to day care and responsibility, no absolutely not!

@TeapotCollection

I'm dealing with many very aged people through work, and those without children (or close nieces/nephews) to handle their finances have real problems, social services are so stretched and it heartbreaking seeing them slip through the cracks. Care isn't about hiring someone to wash and feed you, it's so much wider. A good solicitor to handle your affairs is a starting point as is moving to sheltered accommodation younger whilst you can still organise your move yourself. I'm on the phone at least once a day getting help for our members, at least those with children have a point of contact

It's easy to say you'd never expect that of your children but just wait until you're old and vulnerable.

True enough. I am doing lots of things now I am older, that I said I would never do. Always been very frugal, so I hope I have enough to arrange my own care.

Certainly not why I had kids - I wanted kids.

However there is a weird disconnect with state services that they do expect there to be family to intercede - though not necessarily children but younger relatives. Pretty sure one of my parents would have died due to lack of care by NHS if my siblings hadn't started making waves.

There's expectation that here someone would can get to appointments even if your not in a fit state to take yourself - and friends help for a while prolonged problems it does tend to be close family who end up doing it - and while there are some services that try and fill gaps voluntary or otherwise they are often seen as exception and hard to access/not as good as you'd expect.

I lives in part of country with family support so saw similar with young kids - we had none so it was Dh and I - and attitude felt othering why haven't you got someone who can have kids for you - friends had family support so were no help as were astounded you didn't.

So families ties are ever weakened by distance/lack of time - social connections like friends don't always fill that void - but institutions increasingly expect families to fill gaps.

Traditionally a lot of people had kids for labour reasons / religion / simply because there was no access to contraception.

It's why when people have the freedom of choice there are less children.

I do know some people who expect there kids to look after them / live a particular way etc. I'm not sure if that's why they had kids or simply part of the package. Not many people would admit to it.

It's not why I wanted kids. I guess at first it was socail pressure partly if I'm 100% honest. I wanted kids mainly to have a full life and big family. I love my kids, they are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't want them caring for me in old age, I'd hate to be a burden.

One of my kids is disabled and I can tell you right now, English society doesn't work like that. Family doesn't care for family any more.

Weirdly I was thinking just this morning that in generation in mine and dhs family that just vanished. My parents and in laws benefited from their own parents being very present in their lives as young parents. But my in laws moved hundreds and thousands of Mike's away. Fil and step mil haven't seem the gc in 6 years!

So caring and relationships like that aren't normal to my kids.

I'd just be lucky to see them as adults in a age where everyone wants to move away

Few people in the UK are motivated by having children to "care for them" but I think rather more are motivated by a desire not to be alone in the world once partner and friends die.

Having someone who'll visit even once a month, or phone/Skype regularly, fix broken stuff, sort out your minor IT issues, deal with admin problems, make sure you're eating and drinking if you go to hospital, just chat, can make a world of difference in your eighties even if you're normally perfectly capable of living independently.

I do know some people who expect there kids to look after them / live a particular way etc.

Most people do expect their kids to live a particular way. Right from infancy there are posts moaning about how this baby isn't behaving the way they feel it should. Shock horror it cries loads and doesn't sleep well.

It carries on into childhood and teenage years with posts oozing disappointment as this kid isn't doing what parents feel they should. Too many video games, not studying hard enough, etc etc etc

I hope I wouldn't need care in my old age. No-one in my family has ever needed it yet except as end of life palliative care for a brief period.