To think that parents have children because they want to have someone to care for them in old age

[redskyanight]

Inspired by some recent threads.

It seems some people think that providing food, housing and paying for a child to do some fun activities means that said child is now obligated to care for them in old age.

I'd argue that these are basic parenting expectations and not something that is done with expectation of a reward.

I'd also argue that in families where relationships are close, adult children will want to take on supporting their parents in old age. Whilst, there may be entirely selfish adult children out there, I suspect in most cases where adult children choose not to support their aging parents, it's because family relationships are poor and/or the parent has needs that are too great for the adult child to meet.

So, please can we stop with the "but your parents cared for you as a child; of course you should look after them when they get old" posts?

Anyone out there admit to caring for their child because they expect care in old age?

My son told me once that he wouldn't be able to look after me like I did with my own parents but 'I'll find you a nice care home mum'
And to be fair, my parents also moved to a care home when that level of care was needed .
I can honestly say that my old age did not even register when I had DC; at that stage I wasn't even thinking of my parents' old age.

My parent likely has dementia. They've never asked for help but they are increasingly unable to cook, clean, shop, get repairs, do laundry, get to appointments, take dog to vet etc and will need 24-7 care soon. Their friends and neighbours help.

Like a pp said, my parent could have moved to suitable retirement/sheltered accommodation instead of a big house with garden and stairs, got power of attorney, got rid of trip hazards, sorted their financial affairs, given their Dr permission to speak to me etc. They said no when I asked them and explained why, and offered to help them do it.

Now I'm stuck because social services and their doctor won't speak to me. I can't speak to their bank or insurance, energy supplier etc. They won't let carers in. I'm 200 miles away and can't leave my job, I'd never find another. I could take an unpaid leave but couldn't pay my mortgage but my quite well-off parent won't help financially. I should leave them to it but my conscience says no because they're my parent and I love them and societal pressure is huge too. I'm massively stressed about what to do and how. It is making me ill.

I bet many people who say they don't want their kids looking after them do exactly what my parent does.

When im elderly and infirm, I do want my adult children to check on me once a week, help me with maintenence of the home/garden and with groceries. I do the same for my father. If they lived far away I'd understand why they couldnt help much, but I'd expect a phone call once a week.

It was definitely a thing in previous generations and the current oldest generation (80+). I remember lots of my older relatives harp on about being glad they've got a daughter to look after them, after having sons at first. There was a clear expectation that a daughter would be around to do the caring whereas a son would be too busy with his own life and work, etc. Lots of pressure on daughters not to move away, to live close to home, etc., whereas son's were given their freedom.

@user1497207191

That's interesting as I have a friend who was expected to do exactly that .

Sibling lives near our parents, we live near DPs. Will both help with basics like shopping and house stuff when it comes to it, but actual care will be carers or a home. We have full time jobs and our parents wouldn’t want us to give up our lives.

It would have been much more effective not to have DC, save an ENORMOUS amount of money and then spend a small fraction of the ginormous pile of wealth on careers when needed. Damn.

I keep telling my adult DS not to rely on/expect an inheritance as all our money could go on care so I don't think he will feel obliged to care for us.
My DB1 and I were involved in our DMs care but only the bits that paid carers wouldn't/couldn't do. I had a disabled adult DD so my DM knew I couldn't provide care for her. So whatever her original expectations were she had 20+ years to get used to the idea that I wouldn't be her carer.

I'm another one who's seen people who swore their kids would never be obliged to help them in old age do a complete 180 once they actually needed help. Not dementia, either, just a very plain self-centredness and complete loss of interest in all of the other things occupying the childrens' lives.

And yes, it was always the childless adult children being leaned on, funnily enough.

No, I didn’t have children so they could look after me in old age.

But it is really nice and useful to have someone to look ‘out’ for you in old age. Again, this is not why I had children.

But I have had a number of experiences of childless elderly distant relatives who didn’t have children, and who didn’t make good plans and set down their wishes, or, for example, set up lasting POA.

This has led to them having a lonely, difficult and uncomfortable time as they became unable to look after themselves. And we couldn’t either because they hadn’t put anything in place. For example the hospital won’t communicate with us re appointments because she has no NOK registered. Which means she misses her appointments because she has dementia and can’t remember them.

My mum doesn’t want me to look after her. But we will look out for her. Make sure she has what she needs. Take her to medical appointments if she needs it.

I have had three situations similar to this. All people who had no children. It could happen with children too - it would be avoided with proper planning if you didn’t have children.

I do hope my children will care about me in my old age - which is not to the same thing as expecting them to provide care for me.

I think it is good to care about close family. I expect to care about my adult kids and their spouses, children too.

That's what families do, if all has gone well, isn't it? They care about each other.

Adult children who have no children of their own are up to are between 20-40 % more likely to be carers for their parents

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6532053/

And yet a lot of people fully expect to inherit the value of their parent's house !.

When I think of getting old I think of my kids coming over to my house with my grandchildren and I'm making the same meals they loved as a kids for the grandkids and just doing what I do with my parents now.
Saying that though my exdh has cut his time down with the kids now to just 6 hours a month. I can't help but think he will regret pushing them away now and them not being around him when they are adults. More because he'll miss out on good times rather than them having to care for him.

There are people out there having children with old age and this thought in their mind? Lol, couldn’t be me

I hate this transactional rubbish.

Children aren't entitled to receive an inheritance. Parents aren't entitled to have care provided by their children. Parents should not be having kids thinking that they can use them as carers and pay them off via an inheritance and children should not be doing the caring in the hope of receiving said pay-off.

The only entitlement within the relationship is the entitlement of the minor child to be nurtured and cared for by the parent that brought them into being.

(I speak as someone who went NC with my parents and shall be providing no care and receiving not a penny of their massive property-related wealth).

No, I wouldn’t want this to be an expectation from my son. I’d just want him to come see me and spend time with me because he wanted to.

I have seen far too many female friends be the sibling that takes on the sole care of their elderly parents for years on end and in these circumstances, well I think that any inheritance due should be apportioned to reflect this. Not an entitlement but as a final show of gratitude.

I chose not to have children and it was a question I was asked often. "But who's going to look after you when you're old?".

My mum has 4 kids and has always told us if she ever gets to the stage she can't look after herself to put her in a home as she didn't have us just to burden us with her car in old age.

And yes, as a childless person I've been asked the "but who'll look after you when you're old?" question a lot. Suggests that whilst it isn't admitted, plenty think about it in this way.

I'm the grandmother in that scenario, and of course I don't want my kids to look after me ! We all love and care for each other , and I've made it very clear that they should put me in a care home when the time comes. I certainly didn't give birth to provide myself with carers - that was the last reason why I had them. P

I wouldn't want to be dependent on my adult DCs or rely on them for anything approaching intimate care.

But I did have my DCs with an expectation of having a co-operative adult/adult relationship with them once grown up.

I'd be devastated if they f*ed off age 18/21 and I never saw them again.

It is hard to be that generation which breaks the chain. Having my life shaped by parents expectations, but not forcing the same on children. It feels very very unfair in some sense.

Still yes, if we give life to children, we have to understand they are under no obligation to live in the same street, area, country, continent or planet.

I am one of the ones that complain when people say they won't help their parents because said parents didn't provide free childcare for the grandchildren. But the OP is assuming that everyone is as transactional as she and those those are.

If you don't want to look after your parents, don't look after them but don't pretend it is because they didn't ever help you.

My mother has told me and my sister not to put her in a care home. She is absolutely adamant that she is not to go into one and if we were to do so it would be completely against her wishes. She has not asked for our views on us caring for her, she just expects it.
TBH I would rather she spends her money on carers but she wont, she will expect us to do it.

My dad has been unwell the past couple of years, and his level of reliance on my sister to do basic stuff for him was very frustrating ie he cant sort his tablets out or drive himself to a Dr appt but could drive to the shop for a bottle of whiskey.

I keep asking her to pull back as they both are starting to rely on us for things they are well able to do but don't want to. We will have enough to do when they do start to get sicker/less able without starting it now.

I would never want my children caring for me, I would like them to do a few basic jobs if I couldn't sort them myself, an odd visit, etc but not the type of care that takes up hours of their day every day and takes from their own lives.

Same. It is sad, and not what I would've wanted, but I think there are many countries our children can have a better life and make their money go further than they can here. I also expect that my son will emigrate.

I was 17 when I got pregnant with my first. I can assure you I wasn't thinking about care in my old age at the time. Fifty odd years later care in my old age is still something that doesn't cross my mind.