To think that parents have children because they want to have someone to care for them in old age

[redskyanight]

Inspired by some recent threads.

It seems some people think that providing food, housing and paying for a child to do some fun activities means that said child is now obligated to care for them in old age.

I'd argue that these are basic parenting expectations and not something that is done with expectation of a reward.

I'd also argue that in families where relationships are close, adult children will want to take on supporting their parents in old age. Whilst, there may be entirely selfish adult children out there, I suspect in most cases where adult children choose not to support their aging parents, it's because family relationships are poor and/or the parent has needs that are too great for the adult child to meet.

So, please can we stop with the "but your parents cared for you as a child; of course you should look after them when they get old" posts?

Anyone out there admit to caring for their child because they expect care in old age?

I think if people thought ahead that much then they would probably take better care of themselves

It's a choice whether people care for their parents. But now that you post this, I'd like to ask you a question then if your adult child is sick, what would you do?

In my experience, most people don’t think much beyond ‘having a baby’. A baby, not a whirlwind toddler or a stroppy teenager. It never occurred to us to have children to look after us; I don’t want to be a burden on anyone.

(However you feel about him)

To paraphrase Elon Musk: 'I chose to have children, they didn't choose to be born. They owe me nothing, I owe them everything.'

Not a chance. I chose to have my kids and the obligations that came along with them. They owe me no such thing in return.
My mother cared for my nan and my great nan and whilst, for the majority of the time theirs was a wonderful relationship, towards the end, there was stress, resentment and worst of of (by a long way) guilt. The guilt for the occasional feeling of resentment is still felt now, despite the years upon years of dedicated care given.
I refuse to leave that to my children. I want them to come and see me because they want to, but because they're obliged to.

Never even entered my mind tbh. I’m a young Mum and I keep fit so my hope is to never be a massive burden to my DC. By the time I’m old, they will also be fairly old and I would never expect them to care for me.

How many of you who are declaring that you’d never expect care from your children are signed up to the pro-euthanasia campaign, or have planned ahead if that’s not going to be possible in time? Are prepared to potentially go into a care home, sell your home for the £5,000 a month fees and leave your children nothing?
It’s all very well making statements when you are relatively young and fit, my parents did. But then shit happened, circumstances changed and as previous posters have said, the caring creeps up on you. And many of the elderly can be very needy and unreasonable, through fear or stubbonness or whatever other reasons.
If you have been a cater to one or more elderly parents, how are you planning to avoid the same thing happening when you are 80+?

I think this is true. I’m in my 60’s and despite caring for my mum, stepdad and mil I can’t quite believe that I will probably need care one day.
It’s one of those things we just don’t like to think about.

This is perfectly put. It shouldn't be that your only options are to potentially become a burden to your children or to end up in a woefully underfunded care home or home care situation.

They are right, though. It's not the feeding, washing and toileting, it's having someone look out for you when you can no longer do it yourself - make sure you're not being scammed, make sure you get the care you need whether privately sourced or through Social Services, make sure your care home isn't neglecting or abusing you. I don't think people have children for that, but people without family have a scary time in vulnerable old age.

It is not necessarily a thing with previous generations at all - not to say it does not exist amongst some families.
I am 77 and my son is 50 - I brought him up as a single parent but never ever would I expect him or his family to 'care' for me either now or when I become more infirm.

Now my mother's generation - she expected that the family should to an extent look after her - but she never worked so a differant mindset.
Among the 70 and 80 year-old people I know many of us live on our own and cope just fine, we are in control of our own destiny and at the moment manage and will continue to do so.

We, like people today had our families because we wanted to enjoy them,, their childhood and see them leave the nest and prosper knowing we had their back whatever.

It's easy to say you'd never expect that of your children but just wait until you're old and vulnerable.

My mum said the same and now she's dying I've been through hell this year with pressure from her and my sister to be her carer.

I agree that feelings change as you get older. My mum also said I owed her nothing and that she wouldn’t want me to look after her. When she actually became frail and vulnerable she felt differently. I remember her saying of childless friends “so and so’s gone into a home, I suppose she had to because she has no one to look after her”. When you are fit and healthy it’s difficult to believe you will ever be vulnerable and in need of care.

It doesn't matter how fit you are keeping, you are likely to spend up to a quarter of your life in ill-health, and a proportion of that nearing care. Arguably by keeping fit you are making it more likely that your brain will give way before your body does, and that you're final decline will be in your 90s when your DC are elderly themselves, rather than declining in your 70s and dying before you are 80.

Probably the best way to avoid being a burden is to develop such an unpleasant relationship with your adult DC that they won't come anywhere near you

I wouldn’t want DS to provide personal care, under any circumstances. However, I would be a bit upset if he didn’t care about me in my old age (as opposed to caring for me). What form that takes will depend on where he lives and his own responsibilities when I’m old and frail though. Phone calls are fine if he doesn’t live nearby.

I won’t be providing personal care for DM, but I’d be happy to have her living with us, and would definitely go to hospital appointments with her, help her with tablets, provide meals, do her shopping etc. DBro feels the same. The things is that DM still does loads for both of us even now we are adults, and we are all close. So I don’t feel obliged to do it, I want to take care of her.

Kids cost an effing fortune. You would much better off saving that money for professional carers than gambling it on kids who may not live anywhere near you.

Plus, I actively don't want my kids to have this burden.

I have no DCs myself. Whilst I don't think my DM had children specifically for this reason, it's certainly an expectation that she has of me as a daughter, particularly a childfree one. When I was mid 30s she told me she was hoping I wouldn't have kids so I could look after her in her old age.

I cant tell you how many times I have told her I will not be undertaking caring duties or having her to live with me, and even now she will still come up with 'options' to try and get me to agree (e.g. how about I sell my house in [expensive area] and then buy a smaller one in your street and give you the extra money so you can go part time at work, that would work wouldn't it?).

She lives alone 250 miles away, near to DB and SIL, and manages perfectly fine for now, but I'm dreading any situation where she may need care as shes made it very clear she thinks its something I should do, but that DB couldn't possibly be expected to (well he's a man isn't he they're not cut out for it). Not sure what her expectations would have been if she'd had 2 sons!

I'm childless and I'm signed up for that campaign and making plans. I am strongly of the view that I do not want to be in a care home and I think it's absolutely bananas that I have no right to control the end of my life. It feels even more significant for me because I have nobody that I could place this expectation on even if I were to decide I wanted to do so!

Absolutely not and I totally get where you're coming from OP. It's said far too much.

I'm NC with my mother. She get have my siblings care for her when she needs it.

The reality is that parents are living longer due to better diets and medical care. Meanwhile with the cost of living adult children can't stop work to mind elderly parents even if they live close by. Rather than making plans or putting things in place some parents just expect help. The adult children can then be left dealing with so many issues because of this.

I have a friend at the moment who is in her early 50's and her mother is in her early 80's. My friend has a few other siblings. My friend is single. She does not have a great relationship with her mother due to her mother's behaviour. Her mother has no plans if she gets sick or needs care. No one can access her bank accounts. A few years ago my friend suggested that her mother sell the family home in the country and move into town. Her mother refused to do this. The same woman does not want to go into a nursing home. My friend and her sister have decided that they are not going to be available to do all the care or driving in the next few years and their mother's golden children can do this.
My friend saw the effect of caring for an elderly parent or parents on several people she knows and how it just expected that X can do this.

I know a lady whose daughter lived at home for years and saved hard to buy a home. Her mother then said to a friend I told her that house was a bad buy. It was not the house that was the problem but the expatiation of care that was now not going to be available in the future. This lady has several adult children and they now have to step up and call more to their mother's house and help/sort out things at home.

I'm not providing care for my parents. My children have been told to never provide care for me.

That can spectacularly backfire when you are physically fit mid 80s , and then dementia rears it's ugly head !
It really is horrible. Have 6 friends all with mothers with dementia inc MIL who are now in care homes with no quality of life !
Many people actually choose to care for their parents because they don't want to be forking out £1000-1800 per week in care home fees !!
Hope my lovely children care for me emotionally ie regular visits,phone calls, check I am safe The physical care I would not want my own child to give .

I presume they won't do much for us in old age, let them see us doing stuff for their grandparents and hope that they want to help us a bit, but I don't want to be a long-term burden on them, they have their own lives to live.

Not for me. I had children because I wanted a family, I wanted to enjoy bringing up a child, loving them, offering them experiences.

I'd hope that they'll pay me a visit when I'm old and we will have a good relationship, but the reality is they will have their own life and may want to move away, or have their own families to care for.

Certainly no expectation of care from me.

How many of you who are declaring that you’d never expect care from your children are signed up to the pro-euthanasia campaign, or have planned ahead if that’s not going to be possible in time

You raise a good question and I wonder if the Online Safety Act will stop UK residents accessing sites like Dignitas and Dignity in Dying.

If i thought i found out I had dementia or any other incapacitating disease that would lead to me being dependent on my child as a carer I would be signing the forms for Dignitas as soon as possible.