Not to cater for allergy request at birthday party?

[coverp]

DD birthday party coming up and have asked attendees for allergies/dietary requirements. Had the usual list back - some Veggie, one no pork, one nut allergy, one gluten free+dairy allergy.

I said - no problem, we will make sure that there are options for all but will be parents responsibility to ensure children are eating the correct thing (kids will be aged 2-5). It will be "normal" kids party food - sandwiches, crisps, vegetable sticks, fruit, yoghurt etc.

Had a reply separately from parent of gluten free / dairy allergy saying "sorry to be difficult, but we need there to be no gluten or dairy served at all - it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

AIBU to say that this just doesn't work for us? I'm making the cake and have no idea how (or have any desire to learn) to make a nice gluten free / dairy free option. I was planning to buy little GF vegan cupcakes so that there is something there for the others, but DD has requested a specific thing for her bday which I've already started prepping.

@WombatChocolate My son who has a dairy allergy nearly died. So dairy allergies can be life threatening like a nut allergy.

This kid doesn't need to be there. Their presence won't change a single thing.
If they can't manage then they just can't go.

I know mine is a minority view, I can see that by the voting.

It’s not like the request came out of the blue. OP offered to accommodate for allergies by asking about them, and once knowing them she then decided not to accommodate. It is like why bother offering if you’re just going to be like nah, no desire to put in the effort so fend for yourself, parents just mind your kids don’t eat anything they shouldn’t (tinkly laugh).

To me that is BU.

@MercanDede op offered to make food which is safe for the child to eat but their parent responded please make sure there are no unsafe foods at the party because she can't guarantee their child won't eat it, so basically they don't want to supervise their own child to keep them safe.

Offering gf/df food is more than reasonable of op to offer.

It isn't reasonable for that parent to try and dictate what other foods there will be available including foods the Birthday girl likes just because they can't be arsed to be responsible for their own child's safety.

This is tricky. My daughter has a severe dairy allergy - contact with dairy can result in severe reactions and she carries and epipen. Because she is 4 she has been given a 1-1 at school around snack and mealtimes because of the risk of cross contamination, particularly with kids that age getting things on their hands and then not washing them before touching other things. It’s really restrictive for her, and I always appreciate when people are able to cater for her - a few close friends have organised parties entirely free from her allergens so she could attend, but otherwise we usually have to leave before the food is served, particularly if ice cream is being served because that gets everywhere. However I have never asked somebody not to serve anything, we just haven’t attended if it’s not safe. It does mean that she misses out on a lot and it’s really rubbish. We couldn’t attend toddler groups etc, she can’t go to holiday clubs so childcare is difficult, she’s otherwise a healthy child who can do anything, it’s just because milk is everywhere her life is quite restricted. We also can’t eat out easily, and can’t have family meals with wider family - eg Christmas dinner because nobody is willing to have a dairy free Christmas dinner. People would think twice about wiping peanut butter everywhere but spilt milk is not viewed the same way because it’s not known how serious it can be.

Callous.

Ds2 is coeliac.
He would go to parties with his own food in a lunchbox unless the person hosting said they were happy to provide gf option.

The only time we've been to an event that was gf and dairy free for everyone was a birthday party my brother put on for his daughter's 21st where he said he wanted all attendees to feel safe in eating anything. Ds2 did appreciate that, but it's not something I ever thought of requesting/enforcing.

There are gluten and dairy allergies where being breathed on while playing, touched with a sticky hand or sharing a drink with another child that has residue of gluten/dairy can be enough exposure to cause a reaction in the allergic child. Nice of you to assume the parents are only asking because they “can’t be arsed”

Nope it's up to them to police their kid. Unless there's a risk of anaphylactic shock from something (which would then make me not bring my kid 👧 f I couldn't rely on them to control themselves) you can't do it as a blanket ban.

Sorry fue the emoji I didn't check it was automatic

But the parent said

"... it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

They didn't say "... it's too dangerous for X bcause actually any contact including through the air or touching a contaminated surface can cause a serious life-threatening reaction."

So they literally said it was because 'we can't guarantee he won't eat it'. Yes you absolutely can guarantee your child won't eat anything they shouldn't if you supervise them.

This

@TortillaChipAddict
It’s a child like your DD that I am thinking of. I think many posters do not fully understand food allergies and assume you have to eat it to react to it. There also seems to be many that think excluding children like your DD is perfectly acceptable whereas I find it utterly heartbreaking when it really isn’t that difficult to do gluten and dairy free.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous.

OP has already said her daughter wants a particular cake which isn’t gluten or dairy free. Parents of allergic child said there can’t be any gluten or dairy present. So are you seriously suggesting the birthday girl should go without the cake she wants on HER birthday, at HER party, to accommodate this child? You sound utterly demented

They can't be bothered though can they? They need to supervise and have a system in place for their child like all parents of young children do when they have these difficulties.
If the child is at school and their allergy is so severe, they will be given a separate eating area and / or supervised 1 - 1.
Why can't the parents do this at a birthdays party?

Op offered to make GG/DF food, which is on par with catering for the other children's requirements, a reasonable adjustment.

I note they say it's too risky because their child may eat something. That's not the same as saying their child has airborne or touch sensitive allergies at all is it, and trust me, parents of children with airborne allergies are very quick to let you know.

But it is that difficult and expensive. And we don't need you to think of our children. We're doing an amazing job.

Notice how you are actually arguing against the allergy parents. And yet you don't seem to be one yourself?

@MercanDede

So by your logic the party food should be vegetarian, nut free, gluten free and dairy free. I'm ignoring the one who can't eat pork because veggie covers that. Then all the children could eat everything.

So what do you suggest should be the menu?

Sorry, not going to change my mind. It’s not the parents dictating food at the party or making ridiculous requests because the OP initiated the food allergy discussion by asking them about food allergies.

Don’t ask parents for food allergies if you have zero intention of putting forth the effort to actually have an allergen free party. It’s much better to be honest up front and say this is the food at the party, just letting you know so if your kids have any allergies you can supervise them or choose not to come.

Because that is what OP did in the end. Skip the charade of caring and acting like you might cater for food allergies. Don’t get parents and kids hopes up.

I am one and have allergies myself.

And again. She has fulfilled her promise. This patent is just a CF.

And their kids hopes like their allergies are completely their problem.

So do I as well. I hope you're not as difficult irl as your sounding here.

Can’t believe you have a child with food allergies by saying they should just stay at home and it will not make any difference if they aren’t at a birthday party. If you had a 2-5yr old you would know the heartbreak that missing a party would cause your child.

I have 3 actually.
And it won't. They're 1 kid and it's not their birthday. The party will still go ahead and if its like other parties their absence won't be overly noticed.

So it probably means it means more to allergy kid. So their parent better pull their finger out and stop being a CF.

Again. I've got them. I'm doing alright raising them as they've learned some resilience. See I'm not such a shit parent where I shy away from my child's disappointment that's life. They have to get used to it. Especially with allergies.

I just do not like time wasters. Do not ask me what my child or I am allergic to when there is zero intention to do anything to cater to our allergies. It’s just being fake nice and I have to go to the trouble of sending private medical info to a parent for a party and potentially be called “difficult” when they asked me for the info in the first place!