Not to cater for allergy request at birthday party?

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DD birthday party coming up and have asked attendees for allergies/dietary requirements. Had the usual list back - some Veggie, one no pork, one nut allergy, one gluten free+dairy allergy.

I said - no problem, we will make sure that there are options for all but will be parents responsibility to ensure children are eating the correct thing (kids will be aged 2-5). It will be "normal" kids party food - sandwiches, crisps, vegetable sticks, fruit, yoghurt etc.

Had a reply separately from parent of gluten free / dairy allergy saying "sorry to be difficult, but we need there to be no gluten or dairy served at all - it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

AIBU to say that this just doesn't work for us? I'm making the cake and have no idea how (or have any desire to learn) to make a nice gluten free / dairy free option. I was planning to buy little GF vegan cupcakes so that there is something there for the others, but DD has requested a specific thing for her bday which I've already started prepping.

And they could avoid that heartbreak by supervising their child to make sure they don’t accidentally eat the wrong thing, but the parents can’t be arsed so want to deprive all the other children. Selfish and entitled.

Op asked and has made an effort to offer GF/DF foods for the child in question.
Just because she initiated the conversation doesn't mean she has to fulfil all and any requests especially if in this case the ops inital offer is perfectly ok so long as the child's parents supervise properly as requested, their child is their responsibility at the end of the day, do they not want them to remain safe?

Instead of being grateful to the op for the invitation and dietary consideration, they want to dictate an unreasonable and unnecessary restriction that will mean the Birthday girl doesn't have the cake she has requested made by her mother.

The request is entitled and the stance they take will make their child's social life incredibly barren if they continue to operate like this.

I can't imagine either of you are welcomed many places with your attitude and entitlement.

I wouldn't cater to you either.....

Says the poster who admits they have taught their children resilience by disappointing them by not going to parties. Doesn’t sound like you’re being catered for by your approach.

I've been a party every weekend for a month and have another for the next 2 weekends. Who the fuck are you on about?

There have been occasions where I've had to tell her the party isn't suitable for her and she can't go. She got sad. We used our words and she got over it...

Youre just so loud and so wrong.

This. Everyone should not get punished by having to have gf cake . Only the DC who is gf should have gf cake. I'd suggest if they can't stop their DC eating food it's not supposed to have then they are welcome to bring their own food for their DC but there will be food with dairy and gluten at the party for other DC who are not gf.

That means the host dictates what food each DC eats. That's not much fun for other guests.

We also can’t eat out easily, and can’t have family meals with wider family - eg Christmas dinner because nobody is willing to have a dairy free Christmas dinner.

Thats really sad @TortillaChipAddict, especially since roast dinners aren't even that difficult to adapt for dietary requirements. Meat, potatoes and vegetables are all 'naturally' dairy free, it's not like you have Christmas macaroni cheese! I'd happily have a different pudding if it meant we could do a family dinner.

It’s pretty normal to supervise a young child eating and to know exactly what they are putting in their mouths. For a parent to say they can’t control what their toddler eats at a party is stupid. I’ve been to loads of toddler parties, it’s totally manageable.

Make almost all the food suitable for the allergic kids -
birthday cake and some things in named take home bags being the exception.
Make the birthday cake how ever you like and it will be easy to keep separate.
Thank the parent and invite that parent along so that they feel secure in monitoring their child. Explain about the cake and have a gf cup cake for them.

Thank goodness someone gets it. There’s so much ignorance around allergies. Anaphylactic reactions to food are deeply restrictive for children. No soft play, cinema, parties, eating alone at school, no eating out. It’s just too dangerous and stressful because any tiny trace contact is enough.
Calling the parents ‘ridiculous’ is cruel. Unrealistic maybe, but not ridiculous.

I'd say:

Thanks for getting back to me. Unfortunately I feel uncomfortable catering for such a serious allergy. Therefore, I will cater as usual and suggest that you bring along your own GF food so that you can be sure there's nothing in it that will make her unwell.

There are a lot of misinformed assumptions in this thread about types of allergies. There are a huge range of levels of severity. Yes, for many allergic kids (including my own son who has a dairy allergy), it's fine just to supervise and choose things that are free from the allergy. But some allergies are so severe that the kid is in danger even if they touched another kid's hand that had touched the allergen. There's no safe way to serve food with that allergen at the party.

Honestly the best thing to do would be to have a conversation with the parents. Maybe it's really impossible to make the party safe. But maybe there's a small compromise (say, dairy free chocolate desserts instead of dairy yogurts; choosing brands of snacks that the kid's parents know are safe) that can make the party safe for everyone.

Happy to ve corrected but I would understand if it was nuts or shellfish and just accidental contact could cause anaphylaxis but gluten and dairy sounds more like intolerance. Yes they would be ill if they had any, including just a mouthfuls, but only unwell, not life threatening and only if they actually consumed any.

Oops just seen replies above. I have never known anyone with severe dairy allergy.

But, OP says parent is only concerned about child eating it.
In which case I would be more concerned about relying on another parent, with a lot of other stuff on, to check all the food is dairy and gluten free. Its a massive risk.
The safer thing to do is bring your own and monitor child.

@Mumof2teens79 l am glad that you said that you hadn’t heard of children with severe dairy allergies. I was one of mums who stated earlier that my ds nearly died with a severe dairy allergic reaction. His ds has a severe dairy allergy too.

I don’t agree it is ridiculous because it’s very very easy to have an entire birthday buffet be gluten and dairy free with all the usual birthday foods. It’s hardly any effort at all.

Sorry I don't agree with this at all. I have a dairy allergic child so would feel confident with that part but gluten free bread/pizza/cake is hard to do, tastes horrible and hugely expensive.

This. And that’s quite normal for parents with kids with allergies. I think you’re doing great offering to cater for them. Which is lovely of you but personally (no offence) I wouldn’t have trusted anyone else to prep food for dd. Like using different butter for gf sandwiches to avoid cross contamination And knives and chopping boards?

plus the kids themselves have to get used from a young age to knowing they can’t eat something without checking. What does this kid do at school lunch?

They're asking too much. My little boy is allergic to egg, nuts and peanuts and carries an Epi pen. As long as the food is placed up on a table and not sitting within reach of everyone in fine with it.

Saying that though, my little boy has had a bad reaction to his little cousin eating a peanut butter ball and then touching his toys. So if the allergy was that severe I'd just say sorry we can't go. It's easier to not have peanuts at a party than milk and wheat though.

It doesn't matter how easy it is to do (v easy for dairy free I agree). No way would I put my trust in a random parent to cater for my allergic child

Yes, but those extreme allergies are very rare.

What's less rare is lactose intolerance alongside coeliac disease due to villous atrophy. And the parent is requesting neither gluten nor dairy to be served.

Only the OP can speak to the parent to confirm, but I'd bet a (gluten-free) chicken dinner that this is what it is.

The parent is being v entitled and extremely unreasonable.

It's your child's birthday and she can have exactly the cake she wishes. This parent needs to grow up, look after her own kid and monitor what the kid eats. If that's too much for the parent, they shouldn't be accepting invites.

I find this so rude.

Yanbu.

My dd is 3 and a half and has coeliac disease. She knows to ask "is that ok for my tummy?" Before eating things and could manage at a party quite happily especially at that age when we would be there to help supervise her.

She's going to her first proper birthday party in a few weeks and I offered to provide her food due to the extra cost and the family wouldn't hear of it. You're already doing plenty by catering for the various dietary needs, to cater entirely to one of them is unreasonable.

I'd message back "I'm afraid we can't cater entirely gluten and dairy free however will make sure there are lots of lovely alternatives for Freddie!"

I'd do this, and if this is a child your DD likes then offer to invite them for a separate playdate another time, when you can serve something specifically gluten /dairy free. Just to make the child not totally miss out

It's not fair to make all the kids eat gluten and dairy free, gluten free sandwiches are generally not very nice and it would be very expensive too.

Absolutely ridiculous.
For my sons 3rd party we had a section of vegan/dairy free as my niece is vegan and my friends daughter has a dairy allergy. There was loads on it, and then the rest for everyone else (we are veggie so veggie options and also sausage rolls, meat pizza for meat eaters). If my friend had asked could it all be made dairy free I would have told her to jog on. As it was, everyone had a lovely time and my friends daughter had loads to eat from her own section.
OP hasn’t said she won’t cater, but she won’t cater to ONE CHILD ONLY.

One thing I have noticed on this thread is how ignorant people are about gluten/dairy free food. It's fine to be ignorant- it's not something most people need to think about. But expensive, rank and not very nice? Absolute rubbish!
I certainly couldn't be arsed to cook separately for someone with an allergy. So everyone gets the same at my house/parties. I hate the idea of a couple of children having to eat at a different table or bring their own or (seriously?) not come. A party should be a fee for all!