Not to cater for allergy request at birthday party?

[coverp]

DD birthday party coming up and have asked attendees for allergies/dietary requirements. Had the usual list back - some Veggie, one no pork, one nut allergy, one gluten free+dairy allergy.

I said - no problem, we will make sure that there are options for all but will be parents responsibility to ensure children are eating the correct thing (kids will be aged 2-5). It will be "normal" kids party food - sandwiches, crisps, vegetable sticks, fruit, yoghurt etc.

Had a reply separately from parent of gluten free / dairy allergy saying "sorry to be difficult, but we need there to be no gluten or dairy served at all - it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

AIBU to say that this just doesn't work for us? I'm making the cake and have no idea how (or have any desire to learn) to make a nice gluten free / dairy free option. I was planning to buy little GF vegan cupcakes so that there is something there for the others, but DD has requested a specific thing for her bday which I've already started prepping.

One of mine has a dairy allergy and we take responsibility for it. We’ve been places where they haven’t catered for dairy free and we have to be super careful and sometimes options are very limited. What I mean to say is, the fact you’re supplying options would be good enough for me! It would make life a lot easier if the dairy free options were marked as such though. I would caution that, if children are very young, to ask parents to keep plates off the floor if possible. We go to a playgroup where they leave their biscuits and cakes on the floor the toddler is constantly trying to steal them (as are all the other kids so they’re not alone in that) but the other parents don’t care so it’s a nightmare to manage to avoid a reaction.

DD is coeliac. When she has had gluten (not for years) she becomes incredibly unwell for weeks and weeks.
I know people think you just get a bit of an upset stomach but it can be so much more.

I think it's ok to reply "I'm really sorry it is not possible to make the party a totally allergen-free environment. Happy for you to bring your own food from home for X if you are worried about cross contamination but there will be gluten and dairy items there, sorry I can't change that"

The mum is panicking because of just getting used to being the mum of a highly allergic child. She's not going to be able to enforce an allergen-free environment for her child, so she will calm down.

A lot of children with allergies would have died in infancy. Largely undiagnosed.

My son's anaphylaxis as a baby just looked like he was choking horribly. Thankfully ambulance arrived in minutes

It is also thought environmental factors are exacerbating things, but at the macro level not the household level (ie don't blame the particular parent - which children develop allergies is a result of genetic susceptibility)

Tbh the parents should be grateful you’re being honest and saying you can’t/won’t do what they’re asking. Not really the same but I have severe IBS where I refuse to eat a few very common foods that are very difficult to avoid because the pain is not worth it. Often I tell people this and offer to bring my own food and they find that rude, promising they’ll cater for me, only for me to turn up and they’ve forgotten or done it wrong and I can’t eat anything - which is then perceived as being rude. My ex’s family basically got bored of even trying to cater for me, wouldn’t accept me bringing food OR not attending dinners etc, I couldn’t win. I’d much rather someone tell me straight up that they can’t provide food/guarantee food for me, welcome to bring my own or welcome to not attend without it becoming a huge deal.

is it possible you suggest at parents- oneof em attend/stay-provide or veto "acceptable" as their kid being there is the deal from yur end.

Parent is being ridiculous. Say you will buy sealed GF/DF food for their child but they must supervise. How old is their child? They need to start educating them now on what is safe. It can be done in an age appropriate way. Otherwise, they will not be safe to go to school.

If the allergy is that severe then you bring your own food and stay and supervise your own child. You most definitely do not put that responsibility on the very busy birthday party parent!

I'd tell the mother that I wasn't comfortable taking on responsibility for a combination of allergies to such common foods, let alone at the expense of making the food and cake less enjoyable for the birthday child.

So she would be welcome to bring a packed lunch for DC and monitor his eating, or unfortunately her DC would be better off not coming.

Honestly though, I think that asking people about food restrictions/allergies gives the impression you're willing and able to bend over backwards for them, when you are not a professional chef or caterer or in this case, assuming full responsibility for the child's health! I've never asked for kid's allergies or restrictions, I figure it's up to the parents to let me know about any problems and to work with me on anything more complicated than "no nuts" or "vegetarian"!

You could provide a GF/dairy free cake separately for them but other than that, I’d say if they want their kiddo to come, bring your own food and supervise!

They are taking the pee.

I voted YABU because gluten and dairy free is very easy to do and if you were not going to make an effort to provide food everyone could eat, why did you ask about food allergies? Should have just said here’s the menu, if your kid is allergic supervise or bring your own, understand if you can’t come ttfn.

By asking you were sort of implicitly offering to put in the effort to provide food that avoided everyone’s allergies. To now know the allergies, it’s a bit naff to pick and choose which kids to accommodate and to say for one kid, nah, for this kid I just can’t be bothered.

She was going to provide for the children with allergies, just not make the entire party dairy and gluten free.

The child in question is allergic to dairy and gluten.

Yes and OP was going to provide dairy and gluten free food for that child - but not for everyone else. The parents want the entire party to be dairy and gluten free, not just for their child to be catered for. There is a difference. One is good manners, the other a ridiculous expectation.

Why is it depressing? OP has put xx on the end of the quote from the person - blokes just dont do that with women they dont know.

I don’t agree it is ridiculous because it’s very very easy to have an entire birthday buffet be gluten and dairy free with all the usual birthday foods. It’s hardly any effort at all.

It’s one thing to make sure everything is nut free, or any meat is halal but to have no gluten OR dairy is far trickier. GF bread / pastry is rank - my DD who is sensitive to gluten, just wont eat it. The other side is that GF / dairy free options are far more expensive. OP has said she would be able to provide options for the child in question, why should all the other children forego what they like?

Could you offer to put all their food on a plate/in a bag so it’s all separate? And if not, suggest they bring their own?

GF bread/pastry is not ‘rank’.

Besides, why offer with one hand to cater to allergies and then be like nah too much effort and take away with the other?

OP shouldn’t have offered in the first place if she had no intention of following through.

OP has said it will mean changing the birthday cake that she is making and already has planned. It patently is an effort or else OP wouldn't have posted, she would have just done it.

Yes, it is an effort, but it is not such a massive effort that the request to not expose a child to an allergen is ridiculous.

Multiple parents of children with serious allergies (including me - epipens for peanut allergy in our case) have said it's not a reasonable expectation so I would suggest your views are out of line with the norm.

We've also pointed out that our children live in a world with their allergens present, and that it's vitality important we teach them how to manage that.

As someone who has suffered anaphylaxis due to food allergies epipens are essential to have on hand, but it's important to know you still need to get to hospital quickly for assessment and ensure you are prioritized as an emergency.
Just wanting to provide info as many people think it's ok as long as you have one or take an allergy pill and to just wait until the symptoms subside and you'll be fine. Each allergic reaction is unique and subsequent reactions can be more severe than the previous one.
So, epipen/meds and straight to hospital or call for ambulance.

DD has Coeliacs, and she once went to a party at KFC where nothing is gluten-free, so she took her own food and cupcake. I would never expect the whole party to go gluten-free!

No it's not. And it's also disgustingly more expensive.
Why should OP fork put all that for 1 kid?