Not to cater for allergy request at birthday party?

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DD birthday party coming up and have asked attendees for allergies/dietary requirements. Had the usual list back - some Veggie, one no pork, one nut allergy, one gluten free+dairy allergy.

I said - no problem, we will make sure that there are options for all but will be parents responsibility to ensure children are eating the correct thing (kids will be aged 2-5). It will be "normal" kids party food - sandwiches, crisps, vegetable sticks, fruit, yoghurt etc.

Had a reply separately from parent of gluten free / dairy allergy saying "sorry to be difficult, but we need there to be no gluten or dairy served at all - it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

AIBU to say that this just doesn't work for us? I'm making the cake and have no idea how (or have any desire to learn) to make a nice gluten free / dairy free option. I was planning to buy little GF vegan cupcakes so that there is something there for the others, but DD has requested a specific thing for her bday which I've already started prepping.

How old is the child in question? Are they at school yet? If so, are they around dairy and gluten there?

So many questions....

They are very cheeky!

I would text
Unfortunately this is not possible. My daughter is looking forward to eating her favourite foods at the party. I can cater for allergies but the party will not be gluten free.

I can prepare a plate of gluten free for your child which will be separate but that there will be lots of non gluten free food laid out for the other children. You will need to be responsible for making sure your child does not eat the other party food.
Please let me know whether your child will be attending.
Thanks

Most primary schools are but free zones. Children can die of a nut allergy. A gluten or dairy allergy or coeliac disease are different to this - no school is dairy or gluten free and a party shouldn’t be either.

Children (and adults) can and do die from dairy allergies. Any allergy can cause anaphylaxis. It is important that we all know this.

I fear that this child won’t be invited to many parties in future! I’ve never come across this kind of request before.

@WombatChocolate sadly children can die from dairy allergies too. There was a terrible case in a London school reported in the last couple of years where children threw cheese slices at a boy who they knew had an anaphylaxis dairy allergy and he died. But you’re absolutely right, you don’t come across dairy free schools.

Wow I have ceoliac disease and I can't believe how unreasonable they are being.

Your wrong. It's absolutly her responsibility. She needs to k ow from day dot that she can be hurt from what she eats.
Because I sure as shit know I can't trust the schools.
I was there.
My child is not yours pr anyone else's responsibility

It's OK though. I know I'm absolutly smashing it as she's the youngest :)

I think @TillyTrifle thought you had left her at the party, which obviously wouldn't have been ok without telling the adults about her allergy.

I always just cater for the allergic person-it's just easier if everyone can eat everything. So if there's someone who's allergic to dairy-no dairy. It means no stress.

YANBU and she is seriously blooming cheeky to ask that! There was a little girl in DD’s class with the same allergies and before a party she was coming to I messaged her Mum to let her know what we were doing / asked if there was anything special we could buy, her Mum brought a couple of bits with her and let her have the bits we knew were safe.

DS has allergies (not ones you’d usually find at a kids party) and I just make other parents aware and have trained him and his sister to avoid them in the unlikely event I wasn’t there and someone offer a them.

Catering an entire party to be vegetarian and diary-, nut- and gluten-free would not be easy though.

Any allergy can result in anaphylaxis and death. I’m not saying that because I think the party should be GF or DF, but I see a lot of talk of nut allergies here.

Peanut and nut allergies are easier to cater for but they are not more serious than any other allergy. Children can and do die from milk allergies.

I don’t believe that you should take on the responsibility of GF and DF catering for the entire party.

It is so stressful to be an allergy parent.

Both my kids have had cmpa, I wouldn't expect anyone to cater for everyone else according to our needs.

No one should have to eat gf or df etc if they don't need to, most free from foods are pretty rubbish!

Look I think this request is beyond cheeky and you shouldn't have to accommodate but the misinformation about dairy allergies not being serious really bothers me. Milk allergies can and do lead to anaphylaxis. My daughter has thankfully grown out of hers but when she was a baby we couldn't even go into Starbucks because the steam from the milk in the air would cause her airways to start to constrict. It's just as serious as a peanut allergy but people are less well educated about it.

That said, I'd never have imposed a request like this. If we really couldn't make something work we'd have said no thanks rather than expect everyone else to put themselves out.

I would reply and say you are making sure the cake is suitable but that it would be better if they supplied a packed lunch for their child which can still be plated up the same way for the child at the table and also reiterate that they will have to supervise their child at the party table as obv you just will not be able to.

I definitely wouldn’t take on responsibility for ensuring there was no gluten or dairy at all at the party - you could easily make a mistake though not knowing what to look out for etc.

I would reply saying something like ‘Absolutely understand why you’re concerned. Unfortunately I can’t guarantee no gluten or dairy and wouldn’t feel comfortable taking on responsibility for making sure neither are at the party. There will be gluten and dairy in the birthday cake at least, and potentially in other things as well. We certainly have no objection to you bringing your own food and staying for the whole party to make sure your DC doesn’t accidentally eat something that wouldn’t be safe.’

Its up to them if they feel comfortable attending under those circumstances but you definitely shouldn’t be agreeing to create an environment which caters to their allergies, it’s not your responsibility at all and wouldn’t be safe for you to take that risk on.

Can dairy/gluten be actually dangerous? This is a genuine question - I thought a person would be ill with these, but didn’t realise they could be dangerous for them.

Yes. The first time my daughter had milk she went into anaphylaxis and ended up in hospital. We carried epicene (and used them) for years

If you are actually allergic/coeliac then yeah. Being intolerant isn’t the same and some people use the terms interchangeably (and even self diagnose ‘dairy intolerance’ etc) which is really unhelpful for people who are genuinely allergic

Epipens

Yanbu.

Mine have severe allergies.

I always bring the food for them. I never felt it fair to ask the party host to worry about catering for allergies on top of everything else and I only relaxed if I had sorted the food

And at pre school age I would hover next to them while they ate. But in all honesty from when they were tiny they knew never take other people's food. So really I was watching the other children in case they were silly.

The only thing I ever wanted to know was the type of food being provided so I could provide safe versions of everything so my child didn't feel left out.

Yes. Google Celia Marsh, Owen Carey, Karanbir Cheema, Jess Prinsloo off the top of my head.

I’ve been parenting for 23 years to children of various ages and in all those years of doing birthday partys I have NEVER asked if attendees have allergy’s etc, I’d expect them to tell me on accepting the invite if this was the case and we could go from there if it was something serious like a nut allergy, but genuinely no one ever has! Seems like every man and his dog has an allergy or intolerance to something these days you can’t cater for everyone.

Of course. You can have an anaphylactic reaction to any food, including wheat ( it's the wheat protein not the gluten you would have anaphylaxis to) and milk (milk protein not lactose)

My son has had anaphylactic reactions to milk several times and my daughter has had an anaphylactic reaction to egg

Milk is the biggest cause of fatal anaphylactic reactions in UK children now, not nuts

In one case a child died in school when cheese was just thrown at him (Karanbir Cheema). In another a boy died at school after eating a biscuit containing milk (Benedict Blythe)

YES, emphatically yes. As someone said upthread, a schoolboy in the UK died as his classmates threw cheese at him.

Severe dairy allergies can actually be airborne, as a poster said above about her baby not being able to go into Starbucks because of the milk frothers. Some people with egg allergies have to be very careful with, for example, hotel breakfasts with omlette stations for the same reason.

It is now thought that peanut and nut allergies actually can't be airborne as the protein is too heavy. A peanut/nut allergy doesn't necessarily cause anaphylaxis, it can be just a rash or an upset tummy.

Coeliac is different again - the long term damage from coeliacs being exposed to gluten can be very serious.

Agreed, mine had to learn to be responsible from as soon as they were putting food in their mouths. Of course adults were primarily responsible but even as tiny toddlers mine never ate anything without double checking.

They knew how horribly ill ( epipen and ambulance) they felt if they ate something they shouldn't.