Not to cater for allergy request at birthday party?

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DD birthday party coming up and have asked attendees for allergies/dietary requirements. Had the usual list back - some Veggie, one no pork, one nut allergy, one gluten free+dairy allergy.

I said - no problem, we will make sure that there are options for all but will be parents responsibility to ensure children are eating the correct thing (kids will be aged 2-5). It will be "normal" kids party food - sandwiches, crisps, vegetable sticks, fruit, yoghurt etc.

Had a reply separately from parent of gluten free / dairy allergy saying "sorry to be difficult, but we need there to be no gluten or dairy served at all - it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

AIBU to say that this just doesn't work for us? I'm making the cake and have no idea how (or have any desire to learn) to make a nice gluten free / dairy free option. I was planning to buy little GF vegan cupcakes so that there is something there for the others, but DD has requested a specific thing for her bday which I've already started prepping.

That's an unreasonable request from the family. Unless you follow the diet requirements on a regular basis it would be too easy to get it wrong.
They need to bring their own food. This is what the people I know do whose kids have such specific dietary requirements.

Both my young DC have multiple anaphylactic allergies, and honestly, threads like this make me so sad about how dismissive and rude grown adults can be about a serious health condition. @Nomnomnom66 a classic example there, "provide your own food or you can't come". No compassion whatsoever. These are little children you're talking about.

That said, I always bring my own food to a party. Less stressful for the host and also, for me, as I couldn't ever really fully trust any food unless I had checked each label myself. However, it's always nice when a parent sends a picture of cake ingredients for example, to see if my child can have it. Nothing wrong with trying to prevent someone feeling excluded, if possible!

Just awful, the majority of responses. It’s unbelievably isolating for these children with the severest allergies. I’m not saying they have to cater, but at least be aware that it means these children miss out on a lot.

Dairy and gluten free is a PITA and I speak as a mother of a CMPA 2 year old with a gluten intolerance. I’d never ask this of a parent.
I think you go back and simply say you’re able to provide gluten and dairy free for the child OR they’re free to provide food for their child if they’d prefer but you’re unable to make the whole party gluten and dairy free.

I would say parent needs to bring appropriate 'party' food for their child and be responsible for supervising them at all times if they want them to come to the party. I would put it in writing too - text or email rather than phone call so there are no arguments later if they don't supervise them and things go wrong.

Oh fuck that. Tell her no. She'll have to watch over her child.

Gf stuff is bloody horrible imo. If you don't have to eat it then great! My sons had to have a gf diet as kids (non coeliac gluten sensitivity for which they got staples on prescription. Back then you couldn't get much in supermarkets. I don't think you can even get it on prescription any more) and urgh. Revolting.

No chance at all I'd be forcing it on all the kids so that one mother doesn't have to say no to her child!

I have to admit, that if I had a set of guests with so many different potentially life threatening allergies, I would be so worried about cross contamination ay home that I would be tempted to go for a party activity that didn't involve food at all. I would tell all parents that no food could be consumed at the party at all due to multiple children with different potentially fatal allergies. Then that is treating everyone fairly, and you won't spend the entire party terrified. Your child can have their birthday cake later with family.

The cheek of the woman!

Not everyone can, and will, and is able to, bend over backwards for her child's allergy.

One day she'll realise that and stop being so entitled.

Don't get a whole gluten free cake, FFS!

But do make sure there are some little gluten-free bits.

Also advise to bring their own food, as other have suggested. Or don't come to the party. It's that simple.

It's not your child, not your allergy and not your problem. She is making it that way!

Well, that's the nature of the beast, isn't it?

People will try to help out a little bit, but to go completely out of your way and add extra cost....and for the other woman to expect it, is ridiculous.

Not everyone can participate in everything. That's how life is. Same for adults too.

People who can't swim can't go scuba diving. People who are severely obese can't go horse riding. People who have no arms can't play darts.

You cannot do everything in life, if you have something holding you back. Acceptance is key!

I agree that either the parent(s) need to attend and supervise the child is to come to the party. No other option, OP. They must take responsibility - you can't possibly take this on.

Reply saying (quite truthfully) that you had no idea that the allergy situation was so serious and that, in view of this, you request that a parent accompanies supervise the child. You can't change the planned catering and cannot take responsibility.

Could the child come to most of the party but leave at the point when the food comes out (with a party bag of allergy-friendly stuff)?

I’m an allergy parent, they are being unreasonable unless it’s an airborne anaphylactic allergy where being in the room would cause reaction. It doesn’t sound like this as they’ve specifically mentioned them eating it. In which case they just need to parent their own child and watch what he eats! Or bring him a lunch box- that’s what I’ve always done for my allergy kids.

I think if the parent had replied and told OP that the DC was contact anaphylactic to milk then the results would have been more mixed.

But would you expect a party to be catered 100% free of the allergens that your child has? surely not.

When the child is at nursery or school it's not going to be a completely milk and gluten free dinner hall. It's unreasonable to expect a children's party to be catered that way - not least because GF stuff is much more expensive and G and M free stuff is much more difficult to find or make. It would be sad for the child to miss out completely though.

Could you say, Hi X's mum, I'm so sorry but the cake I have planned isn't G and M free and some of the sandwiches and biscuits won't be either. Perhaps you could make X a special packed lunch so he knows exactly what his food is and that it is all safe for him. Thanks, birthday girls mum.

So I assume at home the whole family is gluten and dairy free just in case the child eats something they shouldn't.

how can she trust that you genuinely understand what it means to be gluten free/dairy free? Both pop up in all sorts of unexpected places. If my child's health depended on it, I would not be trusting an unknown school mum to manage it correctly. She's being massively entitled and putting on you to manage this for her. That's really not right.

There is a big difference between a child that has anaphylactic allergies and one that doesn’t. I think you need to understand if they are saying the allergies are so severe that they can’t be exposed or just can’t be trusted not to eat the stuff they’re not supposed to. If the latter then I don’t think you’re unreasonable to say bring a lunchbox. if the former, it would be nice to include if possible but gluten and dairy free would be a bugger for the average kids party. If this is a nursery friend though I’d have thought you’d know if it was that severe to not have exposure at all as nursery would presumably have to tell parents if couldn’t provide normal milk etc.

This has got nothing to do with allergies and health.

It's got everything to do with one parent shunting responsibility for their child onto EVERYBODY else.

I have a child with multiple allergies which can cause anaphylaxis. Never in a million years would I dare to ask that OTHER people rearrange themselves for my child. My child, my responsibility.

To require a 5yo not to have a birthday cake at their birthday party is beyond unbelievable. My DS has a nut allergy. Often, chocolate cakes have hazelnut or nutella in them. I used to ask if the cake the birthday child was going to have was a chocolate cake: if the answer was yes, I took my own (in fact, I didn't - the parents always provided something else, which was very thoughtful of them). To tell the parents to ensure the ENTIRE birthday be gluten and dairy free is beyond the pale and not at all in the best interests of their child.

The gall of some people!!

I'd just say sorry you can't make it to the party.
She needs to realise her batshit behaviour will affect her children

As an allergy parent I can absolutely say the responsibility is on me, not you, to cater for our needs at a party.

The other parent is being ridiculous. Suggest that they bring their own lunchbox to the party but stress that it's not possible to change all other catering to meet just their needs. Plus as it's unfamiliar territory for you, you'd be concerned about making a mistake which might make their DC ill.

Take it from me, DF/GF tastes pretty shit. Stick with the good stuff!

You’ve done better than me. We first had a birthday party when DS was 4 and it didn’t even occur to me to ask about dietary requirements.

I found out on the day that there were two vegetarians. The venue were able to offer plenty of veggie food, so it wasn’t a problem.

Why should the others lose out because this child is too daft to know what to eat/not and the parents are too lazy to supervise/provide food? Either the parents sort or or child doesn’t come. Are the parents planning on doing this every place the child goes for the rest of their life?

I always ask. BUT, I'm constantly surprised when vegetarians don't think to proactively mention this if they're NOT asked.

I have been monitoring this thread all day to see if OP has said something to CF mum. So now posting so I can stop making myself remember to come back!

I've had numerous birthday parties for my 4dc and some of their friends has special dietary needs. In general the child would bring their own food if they were gluten free or had nut allergy (though in that case I wouldn't serve anything with known nuts in just in case it set off their allergy). My dd2 is lactose intolerant and was used to not being able to eat everything at a party including the cake. If I was hosting her party I made sure she could eat everything at her party and even when she had a birthday party at another venue I always made her or had made a dairy free cake. I wouldn't expect other parents to do that! Most children with these issues are used to eating different food from others and are just happy to be at a party.