Not to cater for allergy request at birthday party?

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DD birthday party coming up and have asked attendees for allergies/dietary requirements. Had the usual list back - some Veggie, one no pork, one nut allergy, one gluten free+dairy allergy.

I said - no problem, we will make sure that there are options for all but will be parents responsibility to ensure children are eating the correct thing (kids will be aged 2-5). It will be "normal" kids party food - sandwiches, crisps, vegetable sticks, fruit, yoghurt etc.

Had a reply separately from parent of gluten free / dairy allergy saying "sorry to be difficult, but we need there to be no gluten or dairy served at all - it's too dangerous for X as we can't guarantee he won't eat it. Sure you understand, thanks xx".

AIBU to say that this just doesn't work for us? I'm making the cake and have no idea how (or have any desire to learn) to make a nice gluten free / dairy free option. I was planning to buy little GF vegan cupcakes so that there is something there for the others, but DD has requested a specific thing for her bday which I've already started prepping.

if it was an airbourne allergy like peanuts then yes absolutely I would make sure everything was nut free - in this instance would each child having a lunch box (like the happy meal boxes) work?

otherwise no, the parents need to supervise

My son (aged 5) is allergic to nuts/sesame. I always mention that, but I also always offer to bring our own food and, of course, I supervise him very strictly.
I would not trust or delegate anyone else to do this for me. Even if I demanded the entire buffet to be free from the food he's allergic to (and honestly that never even crossed my mind!), it's still my job to check every single ingredient and tell him what he can or can't eat. No one else's.

It is obviously very hard to manage these situations if a child could potentially have a fatal reaction.

But I think the key thing here is, is this something that must be eaten to cause a reaction? Or can touch or breathing in particles cause a severe reaction?

If it is only eating that causes it, the parent can just watch their child carefully, as they always will, and ensure they only eat safe food. There is no need to dictate what other children are eating. Just ensure your child doesn't eat unsafe food.

If it is more severe than that and actually being near these foods can cause a severe reaction then it's obviously more complicated. It would be kind to ensure all foods are dairy and gluten free to ensure their safety, but it is not something that a should be demanded or expected of you when you are hosting your child's birthday party.

I would be happy to bake a delicious gf cake if, say, my DC's best friend couldn't eat gluten. And bread sandwiches are not the only option for party food. I'd probably go for rice pancake or corn tortilla wraps.

But I wouldn't be comfortable taking the risk, because my kitchen and all the utensils are awash with tiny gluten fragments from biscuits, home made bread, cake, white sauce... . However hard I cleaned before baking I wouldn't be comfortable feeding anything I'd made to a child who was seriously allergic to wheat. If I was catering a GF/DF party then everything except the crudités would have to be shop bought and plastic wrapped. I'd be confident in my ability to wash carrot sticks and bag them up immediately but that's pretty much it.

I have coeliac disease so can speak from my point of view. I would never expect anyone to cater for me - always bring my own things. If someone offered, I’d be over the moon but would just make it clear that it needs to be separate from the gluten things entirely and if this is bother then not to worry at all! The parent is being unrealistic. Being gluten free is hard, so she’s not doing her child any favours with them thinking it’s an easy thing to manage! They need to be responsible for their health.

It is now thought that peanut allergies can't be airborne. Milk allergies can be.

I can't believe the entitlement of this parent. Do they go into restaurants and ask the same thing because they don't want to make sure their child doesn't take food from other peoples plates??
Absolutely shit their child has such dangerous allergies but to expect a load of kids to eat food only their kid can eat is horrendously entitled. What if there's kids with additional needs who absolutely will not eat dairy and gluten free food??
People are fucking mental.
I say this as someone who deals with allergens on a regular basis and I've never come across a parent who expects people around them to eat allergen free food the same as their child 🙃

I held a party at a local leisure centre who provide the catering. I asked about their gluten free options and how strict they are and was told that if the allergy was so serious then they would be better bringing their own food as whilst there was a gf option they couldn’t guarantee no cross contamination. I communicated this back to the parent who was totally fine. I did also buy a special little treat for that child. They were much older and able to manage their own eating. We’ve been to other places who do provide all the different options separately wrapped on individual plates. Doing it yourself at home is more difficult though.

I have a DC with allergies and yanbu.
The parent should bring their own food if necessary.
You are very good to provide options but be aware of the possibility of cross contamination also.
For example, the GF free food should be kept separate. It can't be put on a surface where bread, for example, has just been sitting. A different knife needs to be used for cutting etc.

as a gluten and dairy free person, i dont expect other people to cater to me and i definitely wouldnt expect someone to be responsible for me or my child not eating something. They need to take responsibility for their child and what that child eats. If child cannot be trusted or they cant accept the responsibility then the child must be uninvited of their allergy is that bad.

I had a GF/dairy free cake at my wedding that everyone ate but that was made by a baker, and it was my own wedding so i didnt want to be excluded from my own wedding cake... if it was attendees id do as you suggest and have gf options. You cant be expected to have no gluten or dairy at your whole event! thats ridiculous.

Man! This makes me so mad! My son is anaphylactic to some nuts - he’s older now but when he was younger, I made sure the host was aware & I made sure there was food he could eat. It’s my job as his parent to make sure of this.
It’s very kind of you to supply additional food to cater for allergies / intolerances - & it’s always appreciated as it makes the child feel included.

It is NOT your responsibility to check what their child eats - it’s theirs!! As if you’re going to make the whole party gluten free so they can sit drinking coffee - no, they need to be a parent &
watch their child. It’s never too early for them to learn to check for themselves what they’re eating either. The parents sound like ass hats to me!!

Make your cake & I hope you enjoy the party!!

I would reply with

Hiya, there will be food with gluten and dairy in at the party for the other children. However, all food served to your ds will be dairy and gluten free. Please let me know if you are happy for me to provide your ds with their allergen free food or if you want to provide your own for him. Thanks

I think it’s pretty unreasonable and unrealistic for the adult to ask you to completely change your plans on food. If they were so worried they would take their own food or decline the invite. Your well within reason to suggest they bring their own food and just apologise and say you’ve already stated prepping / ordered food

I found it’s easier to make up little packed lunch boxes for the children and label either with child’s name or by allergy it avoids cross contamination, children just grabbing anything and it’s more sanitary because little dirty fingers everywhere.

YANBU, OP. And the parent is being overly entitled.

I have organised many kids parties (third and final DC just approaching end of primary) and have also helped organised many PTA type events with food involved. And in my experience parents of DC with any kind of dietary need - be those religious/moral avoidance, allergies or intolerances, regardless of whether dietary issue is relatively minor or potentially catastrophic - fall into one of two camps:

camp 1 - eminently sensible, teach DC to be eminently sensible, clearly communicate DC's needs to host/organiser, always happy provide alternatives without asking but equally very grateful and appreciative when anyone makes the effort to cater to alternatives;

camp 2 - eminently entitled, expect the world to revolve around their DC, get huffy when it doesn't, encourage DC to take same attitude.

Obviously all parents of DC with dietary needs would like to think they are in camp 1 but sadly some do fall into camp 2!

I hope your DD has a lovely birthday party.

Message back saying no problem, here's the menu, please supply all the ingredients and safe alternatives that you're happy for everyone to have by X date and I'll happily prepare it all ready for the party. This way you can relax being sure everything is safe as I know I

couldn't trust myself to check everything correctly! Happy to chip in £X as that's what it would have cost for non-allergy food.

I'm hosting a children's birthday party soon. I have gluten free and dairy free children coming. I'm happy to cater for them, but I wouldn't be okay with only serving gluten and dairy free food.
I'm doing pizzas and will cook, cut up and serve the allergy based food separately. I've bought labels to go on each platter and will put them on a separate table. I'm going to be very careful as I understand the stress of allergies.
I have one parent coming who isn't comfortable with the risks of cross contamination, so she is bringing food separately for her children. She's asked what I'm serving so she can match it as closely as possible. I think anything else is too much to ask.

You can't do that with gluten free kids who are celiac. Even kids who have touched gluten and then touched the crips will leave gluten on the crisps.

I do pre prepped plates for parties. And give each child a bag of crisps to avoid cross contamination

YANBU. It's kind you're even considering catering for them separately, I'd just ask the parents to bring a lunchbox.

I’d reply with something like - unfortunately there will be food that has gluten and dairy in but these will all be labelled and as parents are staying then you can ensure he doesn’t eat it. If you prefer then you’re more than welcome to bring something in for him to eat. I will also keep any packaging of pre-bought food so you can check before giving it to him.

I’m so glad I don’t have young kids in this day and age.

As a PP said, a happy box idea might be good if there are a lot of ‘allergies’ or issues.
My DDs friend did this and it was a really good idea.
They pre-packed some of the box and then gave the kids a choice of sandwich and drink.

You could do this for each child and wrote their names on and in his box have only dairy and gluten free stuff.
Then there’s no way he can accidentally eat anything else.

Then blow out the candles on the cake and put each slice in a part bag (if these are still a thing) apart from his.
If you want to buy a small cake to give him and anyone else who is gluten/dairy free, then that’s up to you.

Yeah YANBU

If the parent is that concerned, they need to either monitor their child more closely or take their own food. If not fair to put that pressure on you at an already stressful event. (OH has coeliac disease) I understand the difficulties of GF contamination and GF baking particularly. Theres no need to inflict that on everyone if not needed.

That's bonkers. I would expect the parent of a child with allergies to supply their own food. Otherwise they can't come.

Coeliac myself and I always take my own food.

I wouldn’t trust anyone else to make GF food for me anyway as there are so many cross contamination risks that just wouldn’t occur to most people.

I am surprised she didn’t say she would bring her own food for him, she knows how bad the risk for cross contamination would be if you usually have gluten containing foods in your kitchen.

I'm all for preparing 'free-from' food to cater for those with allergies or other dietary requirements (and I have done this in the past, with those foods kept separate and labelled accordingly), but being told that I can't have any foods with dairy/gluten etc at my child's party is not on. She needs to supervise her child to ensure they don't eat the wrong food or keep the child away.

I hope this child actually has a milk allergy AND coeliac disease because that is an incredibly restricted diet for a little one if it isn't necessary. Quite unlikely to have both those problems at that age tbh. I think a lotnof the time patents just default to children following the same restrictions they do. And I have coeliac disease so I'm no stranger to being restricted.