To think this is nuts and a bit alarming

[capabilityfrowns]

I'm a woman in my 50s on an older persons dating site , it's been dire and I've tried to come off it but they took another payment from PayPal before I realised .

I got chatting to a pleasant man , a widower, who had been with his wife 35 years and who had died 6 months ago quite suddenly.

We had a pleasant telephone conversation and stayed in touch via WhatsApp but not daily .

I hasps expressed concern that geographically we were some distance apart . He said it wasn't an issue , I gave a rough area as to where I live but not thank god my address or specific location.

He's just rung me , to say he is sat in my local village , and it took exactly 93 minutes to get there ,

WTF ????? We arranged NOTHING ! He seems to think this is a romantic gesture to prove the distance isn't an issue but it's totally made me feel very uncomfortable. He's now set off back to his home address , that's a 3 hour round trip.

He seems ok and I don't want to just block without explaining why that is totally inappropriate- which it is isn't it???

What do I say ?

I was in shock when I realised he was phoning from so nearby and just said my signal was crap (true) and I was cooking (true) and couldn't chat .

I'm a bit freaked . What do I say ?

You don't say anything. You block and delete.

YANBU. Tell him that you don’t think there is a connection and block him.

No need to tell him the random visit was inappropriate, it will serve as a red flag to the next woman too.

It is a red flag isn't it ?

I feel guilty because I'd said something about becks driving 4 hours to see posh for 20 mins but I was joking and it wasnt an invitation!

He seems to think this proves how serious he is . I'm just freaked out .

Yep, red flag and classic love bombing. Avoid, avoid, avoid!

What was the purpose of him coming to your village, was he at a loose end/bored and just trying to prove he's willing to travel and time the journey, or was he hankering after your address and to meet up?
Either he should have realised it was at best very forward and could make you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.
You don't owe him an explanation as others have said you can just block and delete him. If you want to explain, just tell him you felt what he did was very inappropriate, then block and delete.

Just be honest and say it felt a bit stalker like and made you feel uncomfortable.

As PPs have said, I’d block him. His creepy overstepping behaviour suggests he wouldn’t be easy to shake off politely, and you owe him nothing. He’s made you feel deeply uncomfortable, and if by any tiny slim chance he is actually a decent bloke who just used poor judgement on this occasion you’ll have done him a favour, because he’ll guess why you’ve blocked him and not do it again. His age suggests that’s probably not the case and you’ve dodged a bullet and you’re best off off his radar as quickly and cleanly as possible.

Tell him that his unannounced arrival has made you uncomfortable and then block him. It's giving big stalker vibes..

Block and delete ASAP. You owe him nothing and his behaviour is creepy as fuck (but I think you already know this).

You really don’t owe him any explanation. You can just block him. But if you do want to give him an explanation, simply tell him it was too intense and creepy. Then block him.

If I'd actually cottoned on to what he'd done it would have made me feel extremely under pressure to go meet him - it actually made me feel guilty.

I've sent a message explaining that it was really inappropriate and that I'm taking a break from dating .

Some men will honestly never learn. The fact alone that's he's obviously too thick to understand how creepy and full-on this is is reason enough to send him on his way.

Men can’t be on their own for 5 minutes

This is not romantic- he doesn’t know you

and yes borderline stalker
follow your instincts and cut contact while you can

I did wonder a bit at the fact his wife of 35 years had only died 6 months ago and he s already online .

Anyway he's blocked .

I’m going to preface this by saying you obviously don’t owe him anything.

But I don’t know - I don’t want to sound like someone who excuses men’s behaviour and it could be lovebombing and probably isn’t worth taking a risk on but I can sort of see some circumstances where this is simply misguided as opposed to a major red flag. For example some people just like driving, he might have thought it would make him look spontaneous and flexible. He’s probably very rusty, the last time he dated he was probably a young guy. Maybe he’s watched too many rom coms 😬

WHOAH..........that is not right.

Thank gawd you did not give him your actual address OP.

That would TOTALLY freak me out.

If I was you I would be careful. Block him, he's overstepped a massive boundary and maybe widen your home radius to within 50 miles or so.

So a man in his fifties, wife of 35 years died recently, so the last time he dated he was a teen. Early twenties at best. It's not appropriate, but after your posh and Becks joke he might have thought it a grand gesture. It would put me right off, but it doesn't have to be sinister, just someone with absolutely no dating experience.
Think about things like the Inbetweeners and what teenage boys think are the best ways to woo/win over girls. I think you're right to tell him it was inappropriate and to move on, but some of the comments here are quite the leaps.

Block him and don't unblock him ever that's scary op.

I agree. He could be very lonely after losing his wife and trying to find constructive ways to get out of the house and pass the time.

I part of me feels as you do, wanting to give someone the benefit of the doubt. It is possible that he's a decent man who made a very misguided attempt at being chivalrous/romantic.

However, when it comes to the op's safety, and how fucking dangerous and abusive far too many men are, and how hard it can be to extricate someone from your life after you've let them in, I think the op must err on the side of caution here.

I've explained gently why it made me feel awkward and guilty - and why as we'd not arranged anything it was totally over the top .

I have blocked, I don't the geography would have helped but he was very needy of a chat a day where as I realised I'm actually an antisocial old bint who doesn't !

I do feel bad for him - I think it was a misguided attempt at a grand gesture but made me feel so bad he did that and I didn't meet him and I don't want to be guilted into meeting up !

Blimey that’s creepy AF. Well done for blocking him. I don’t think men have the faintest clue how scary it can be for a woman dating online. He was completely out of order and probably hoped he’d pressure you into meeting him. Urgh, what an absolute creep

I agree.

Maybe he’s just not that bright and thought that it was romantic BUT I wouldn’t like it.

You're not antisocial, @capabilityfrowns - you are able to enjoy your own company and choose when to have a man in your life. I agree with PPs that men are rubbish at being alone. He probably thought it was a grand gesture but hopefully he understands that it was an unwelcome overstep.

Yep, you’ve got it right, not worth taking a risk on.

The OP has been made to feel uncomfortable and has sensibly listened to her gut. Stop trying to make her second-guess herself, you aren’t being helpful or kind.

Like I said in my post, if he is a decent bloke, he’ll realise that he’s overstepped and how uncomfortable he must’ve made OP feel and he won’t do it to the next woman. She’s either saved herself or done him a favour.