To think this is nuts and a bit alarming

[capabilityfrowns]

I'm a woman in my 50s on an older persons dating site , it's been dire and I've tried to come off it but they took another payment from PayPal before I realised .

I got chatting to a pleasant man , a widower, who had been with his wife 35 years and who had died 6 months ago quite suddenly.

We had a pleasant telephone conversation and stayed in touch via WhatsApp but not daily .

I hasps expressed concern that geographically we were some distance apart . He said it wasn't an issue , I gave a rough area as to where I live but not thank god my address or specific location.

He's just rung me , to say he is sat in my local village , and it took exactly 93 minutes to get there ,

WTF ????? We arranged NOTHING ! He seems to think this is a romantic gesture to prove the distance isn't an issue but it's totally made me feel very uncomfortable. He's now set off back to his home address , that's a 3 hour round trip.

He seems ok and I don't want to just block without explaining why that is totally inappropriate- which it is isn't it???

What do I say ?

I was in shock when I realised he was phoning from so nearby and just said my signal was crap (true) and I was cooking (true) and couldn't chat .

I'm a bit freaked . What do I say ?

Listen to your gut - you did the right thing by blocking him.

I find you odd to be honest.
oh my goodness someone you’re been talking to, wants to meet you.

I thought only precious 20 year olds would act like you.

Couldn't you possibly have met for a coffee locally or at a pub.
Which is what people used to do.?

Im not sure which of you has had a lucky escape

But you don’t travel 1 1/2 hours to meet someone you’ve never met before unannounced!

You have done the right op. It’s not worth the risk to
continue and he sounds like he may not take no for an answer further down the line.

It's a horrible feeling isn't it OP!
When i was 17 and messing around on MSN i didn't give a thought that my email contained my name as it was mostly chatting with others from school etc.

Then one night we were messing around in chat rooms and we told this older guy which state we lived in (turns out he was 4 hours away). He was able to work out which town i was in and narrowed it down to 2 addresses (ours and my nannas). He knew he was right too because when he wrote it we freaked out and took a while to reply denying it. I then spent months panicking that this guy was gonna rock up like he said. There was once someone parked outside our house for hours and i hid in the bathroom until family came home. He'd said something to them about car trouble but he drove off not long after.

I avoid dating sites cause i'm worried i'll do that again somehow!

It's possible that he's very lonely after being with his wife for 35 years and is desperate for company and routine again.

I get them on Facebook, wife has died or they are divorced after a long marriage and they don't do well on their own, always look for the slightest interest by a woman that they can latch on.

Women are a different kind of fish in the same circumstances and pick themselves up, new hairstyle and clothes and off out making new friends and enjoying life.

Lonely hearts men are awful to deal with as they overstep boundaries, want to leap in straight away and cannot cope with rejection, either turning nasty or announcing to everyone on Facebook how no one wants them, looking for sympathy comments from women so they can then bombard them with messages.

There's nothing romantic about some mature widower driving all that way without a prior arrangement, sat there like a stray dog hoping for a pat on the head.

I remember that!

I’m so pleased you blocked him. I would have felt like he was using guilt or obligation to force me into compliance too. I don’t believe that instant gratification is something adults should want or expect. He was being pushy and entitled.

You are not antisocial old bint. I think grand gestures are fine when you know someone very well and for a longer period of time so you have a foundation of sorts.

But right now, he doesn't know if you'd like that, and you don't.

I can't believe he did that. I'd find it mortifying, too.

People who are full on too soon are like that because it suits them. It's actually very selfish to force your idea if romance on someone without taking into consideration if you're ready for it.

Either he's lying and wants a pity shag or it she truth and so what. You won't know what their relationship was like

Op the 6mth thing is a huge flag to me, if hes being honest, yes he's probably lonely but far too soon to be dating.

@LunaMay that's very scary!

Sounds like someone who puts practicality over emotional intelligence. In theory, he's demonstrated the distance isn't an issue. In practice, he's scared the crap out of you. He set out to show you he was right. Not a good sign whether due to desperation or sheer bloody-mindedness. He lacks all sense of empathy and awareness of boundaries. You have done the right thing.

Don't be ridiculous- nobody should feel pressured to meet up with a stranger without prior arrangement.

He's just lost his wife. He's probably very lonely and not thinking straight.

None of that is OP’s problem.

Op has no responsibility to be his support human.

Was he asking or pressuring you to meet up?

If not sounds like all he was doing was trying out the travel to show you it wasn't an issue. He may have just had a free day and thought that'd be a nice drive out.

If he'd turned up at your house or work or demanded or pressured you to see him I could get the being freaked out. But you haven't said that he even asked you to meet?

Might be slightly misguided but I'd find it funny if anything and the posts on this thread are jumping to huge and odd conclusions imo.

There are daily articles about women stalked and murdered. Men have colleagues, mothers, sisters, friends and girlfriends. If they get to an adult age and still 'don't understand' why women are cautious around men then (1) they haven't been listening to the women in their lives, and don't care, and/or (2) they are the problem.

If I turned up to your town after chatting for weeks, are you saying that you'd feel zero pressure to meet?

"Oh, it's good to know that it was an easy drive, we will have to meet up one day, maybe after Christmas. Bye."

It's pressure to meet ON THAT DAY. Without prior discussion or agreement.

I’d have agreed it’s quite romantic if I’m honest

We were all brought up on shitty rom coms, which, in reality, will more likely land one in an abusive situation.

I think he sounds really lonely but yeah would creep me out too. Next thing you know you'll be in the wife's clothes having a cuppa on her side of the bed cooking his eggs just how she did.

Another option to consider is that he wasn't there at all. That you've been catfishes and he was trying to get you to leave the house and go sit on your own waiting - for laughs - been there, got the t-shirt.
Did you just speak on the phone or have you actually facetimed?
Given up on online dating too.

Why in earth did you reveal where you lived? Never in a million years would I tell an OLD my location until we had met and I had fully vetted him.