To think this is nuts and a bit alarming

[capabilityfrowns]

I'm a woman in my 50s on an older persons dating site , it's been dire and I've tried to come off it but they took another payment from PayPal before I realised .

I got chatting to a pleasant man , a widower, who had been with his wife 35 years and who had died 6 months ago quite suddenly.

We had a pleasant telephone conversation and stayed in touch via WhatsApp but not daily .

I hasps expressed concern that geographically we were some distance apart . He said it wasn't an issue , I gave a rough area as to where I live but not thank god my address or specific location.

He's just rung me , to say he is sat in my local village , and it took exactly 93 minutes to get there ,

WTF ????? We arranged NOTHING ! He seems to think this is a romantic gesture to prove the distance isn't an issue but it's totally made me feel very uncomfortable. He's now set off back to his home address , that's a 3 hour round trip.

He seems ok and I don't want to just block without explaining why that is totally inappropriate- which it is isn't it???

What do I say ?

I was in shock when I realised he was phoning from so nearby and just said my signal was crap (true) and I was cooking (true) and couldn't chat .

I'm a bit freaked . What do I say ?

This happened to me once, sort of. We lived closer to each other, but he didn't drive so it wasn't far off the same time commitment (2 buses), after I'd said I wasn't interested in pursuing anything.
He too was by coincidence in my local pub.. where I was due to go an hour later anyway! I told him it was weird, and not cool and he should leave. He went even weirder then, and said he wasnt leaving until i agreed to meet him.
I called my friend who was also going to be there, made sure he was sat at the opposite end of the pub and went to meet him (friend, not weirdo). Didn't even acknowledge weirdo, but made a point of saying hello to pretty much everyone else in the pub to make a point that I knew them all.
At one point I went outside to smoke and my friend spotted him making his way across the pub to the door I'd gone out of. Friend beat him to it, came outside and kissed me just as he walked out the door.. he just kept walking and left. I had a message from him 20 minutes later to say I'd ruined his life! Told him I'd call the police and report him for harassment if he ever contacted me again.

There are some very strange people out there!

I hate needy people and I hate when someone expects me to drop everything to see them.

At least you know what he’s like before you spent too much time on him.

I disagree with most of the previous posters, I think you are all being too hard on him.

Why do some women encourage others to share their low standards?

It was creepy and inappropriate. He knew it was. He's a grown man. OP doesn't have to entertain it.

If I’m being honest I wouldn’t even be chatting to someone on OLD who lost their wife of 35 years only 6 months ago. For me it shows a lack of respect for his wife and her family and that he feels that women are easily replaceable… a bit like revolving doors - one in, one out! I would probably be wary even of a man who had just gone through a divorce or split up from a long term partner only 6 months ago. It takes some people years to get over the death of a loved one. I think 6 months is a red flag for me. Eighteen months, fine… but 6 a six month gap between the death of his wife and his 35 year long mare marriage to going on dating apps is far too soon for me.

Well I felt quite guilty for a while there but now I feel relieved so that says it all .

I'm still chatting to the very hot guy who said the distance was an issue. I think we will remain friendly.

As for the site I've cancelled the PayPal thing now so the buggers can't fleece me for another month . It's a dire site anyway with many fat old men with their tops off posing in dirty half decorated bathrooms .....don't do our time ladies !

many fat old men with their tops off posing in dirty half decorated bathrooms

This made me laugh out loud! Hope the search improves, OP - good luck (and well done for blocking this one)

I've had many a message from this type and wondered if I'd be found under their baths in cable ties in 10 years time 😂

Honestly it's awful ! Had one date with a hot bloke but he was there by accident for a month only much same as me 😂.

Neither would I. Potentially very dangerous to do this. I’ve had some horribly creepy first dates from OLD. If those guys (who seemed nice at first whilst chatting) had come to my house I really don’t know what would have happened. Always meet in a public place for the first few times- even dating apps recommend that for safety, for good reasons.

The raccoon painting bloke got back in touch 😂.

Different thread but a guy who paints and sent me his paintings of raccoons that looked like they should be in pet cemetery 😂

I'd like to think he was just very misguided having been out of the dating game for a long time. But if you feel this adamant about it and are uncomfortable then call it off. I'd be more concerned that hes ready to move on so quickly. You'll defo be a rebound.

I feel ok having blocked . A relief .

Are you nuts? Shes come on here asking for advise, several times. You could quite easily say shes over reacted and thrown the towel in too early. If she was that sure, she wouldnt be on here saying shes in 2 minds.

This. He's just watched a few too many crap movies

No need for the 'fat' comment. That's nasty

Fat shaming made you laugh out loud? You sound lovely....

This made me think of Patrick Kielty and Cat Deely, very romantic😂

For gods sake people I'm not far shaming but let me paint a pic

One guy sent me a message . I checked his profile. A very large old man , top off , hairy shoulders , toothless grin , large chain round neck , in bathroom showing plasterboard ,

I'm not fat shaming. I'm dick head shaming .

If I post pics you'll get me , these entitled idiots online , thinking any woman over 50 should want their body because we're older - they post these disgusting pictures online like we're meant to fall over ourselves because they might want us - fuck that .

If theses blokes are posting pics of their large stomachs online I don’t think they’re going to feel shamed if they accidentally come across themselves on MN.

To be honest, I'd be willing to give a little bit of leeway on the judgment between scary stalker or horribly out of practice, but at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. From your follow-up messages it's clear that the level of engagement he wants from you isn't what you're interested in, so you're just not compatible. I'd probably go with the "yeah, the showing up at random stunt wasn't a good idea" message myself, but I wouldn't say it's unreasonable not to want to do that either.

I did gently say it wasn't good and why .

I don't think if I'd lost my dh suddenly 6 months ago after 35 years I'd be online . He's looking for something that isn't me .

I imagine like others have said this was misguided rather than creepy but he sounds rather full on and not for you.

As for the comments about his not being bereaved long enough. From what I have read, those, who were happy in their relationship tend to date faster than those, who were not. It sounds as though he is looking to recreate his happiness.

Yup.. block and delete. You were kind with the explanation, but if he wants to know he can just talk to any other person who knows him better, and they can explain that from the other persons point of view.

I was watching a SM post and it was a man explaining to men why women have to be cautious around men they know, using guns as a metaphor- it was really helpful to know that men don't have that insight to womens experiences.

God that's creepy.

I've had something slightly similar. Sort of anyway. We had planned to meet but I had bad flu. He knew I had it as we had been on the phone and he heard how awful I sounded. We agreed I'd let him know in the morning how I felt. The following morning I messaged him saying I still feel really poorly and that I'm going back to sleep. I said I'd message him when I woke up again. I woke up a couple hours later with multiple messages from him. He had driven 50 miles to my town. He had parked up in a pub car park. The weird thing was, as much as we agreed to meet at a pub in my town, we didn't agree WHICH pub. And we didn't agree to a time either. He said he Googled pubs and drove to one. I told him why didn't he wait until I woke up. I still could of met him, but I chose not to. And I told him why.

It wasn't as strange as your story but it still creeped me out.

Ooooo I think this is just as strange. How old was he?

Have you been in contact since?