To think this is nuts and a bit alarming

[capabilityfrowns]

I'm a woman in my 50s on an older persons dating site , it's been dire and I've tried to come off it but they took another payment from PayPal before I realised .

I got chatting to a pleasant man , a widower, who had been with his wife 35 years and who had died 6 months ago quite suddenly.

We had a pleasant telephone conversation and stayed in touch via WhatsApp but not daily .

I hasps expressed concern that geographically we were some distance apart . He said it wasn't an issue , I gave a rough area as to where I live but not thank god my address or specific location.

He's just rung me , to say he is sat in my local village , and it took exactly 93 minutes to get there ,

WTF ????? We arranged NOTHING ! He seems to think this is a romantic gesture to prove the distance isn't an issue but it's totally made me feel very uncomfortable. He's now set off back to his home address , that's a 3 hour round trip.

He seems ok and I don't want to just block without explaining why that is totally inappropriate- which it is isn't it???

What do I say ?

I was in shock when I realised he was phoning from so nearby and just said my signal was crap (true) and I was cooking (true) and couldn't chat .

I'm a bit freaked . What do I say ?

Feel the same as @Kittenkitty He may just be very lonely and took you at your word (posh /becks comment).

What did you say, exactly, OP?

If he said "you live a couple of hours from me", and you said 'that's nothing, David Beckham drove 4 hours to see Victoria for 5 minutes' then he may have got the wrong end of the stick.

I think you did plant the idea in his head. No need to freak out.

Even giving him the benefit of the doubt that he was misguided and clumsy in trying to demonstrate how much he likes you, surely he can see how inappropriate this is. You’ve NEVER met him! Posh and becks were besotted with each other and surely dating when that happened. I find it hard to believe this was completely naive on his part. Sorry.

It’s a big red flag even if he is still overwhelmed by grief. That’s not an excuse to scare women. It’s just not.

No no I'd said geographically I saw the distance as an issue . He said he didn't . I said I'd had a date with someone 2 hours away and the distance WAS an issue .

We'd chatted for a while on the phone and I'd made some stupid joke about posh and becks but I didn't think he would actually get in his car and drive here to prove it !

Have I been hasty do you think ? He was just a bit too needy for me . I don't want long calls every night . He did .

You're over analysing now, OP. Just block and put it out of your mind. he's blocked, it's done, move on

Not hasty at all, OP, you can stop conversing with anyone for any reason.

Even with a misunderstanding,
He freaked you out, he wants long conversions, you don't,

You can call a halt for shy reason and those are two good ones.

I think I’d be honest with him and tell him that it actually scared you. He needs to know this isn’t ok and how this may affect someone. I’d see what his response to that is. His reaction will speak volumes.

It made me feel bad and quite guilty . I did explain very gently that it did make me feel pressure to meet him .

He had rung to say he was here and said he wasn't pressuring me , and be patient with him but it did make me feel awkward and uncomfortable.

All the women on this thread telling OP she might have been hasty and he might be a nice guy really, what do you want her to do, second-guess her instinct and go against her better judgement, unblock him and then potentially find out later on down the line that he’s a psycho nutcase? Stop being so irresponsible? If you want to be foolish and cavalier with your own safety then crack on, but don’t encourage other women to do the same.

Agree with this

Your updates show he's actually not respecting your boundaries and is trying to prove you wrong on the issue of distance.
Don't feel bad op, he's a stranger, you owe him nothing and you've done nothing wrong. He sounds pushy and needy.

Obviously you're entitled to feel how you feel and you owe him nothing. But I don't know, I don't think it's scary or sinister or anything like that. I think you planted an idea in his head and he was trying to make a point that the distance wasn't a big deal to him.

I probably would have felt uncomfortable and under pressure to meet him. However I think I would have explained it and seen what his reaction was like before blocking entirely. He's been out of the game a long time and probably didn't realise how inappropriate this was.

Again, you owe him nothing and I see you've blocked him anyway now. But I do think MN in general is always very quick to shout 'red flag' and insinuate every guy is some sort of abusive deviant.

OP his words were no pressure, but his ACTIONS - that was pressure. He was putting you under pressure by doing what he did. And I'm not buying that Inbetweeners guff. He's a grown man not a kid.
Don't feel guilty. You know you are not looking for the kind of relationship that he is, better to end it now.

When I was still online dating, one bloke I was chatting with suggested we meet at a location which was the same distance for both of us to reach. Otherwise one of us would have had a long drive in and then back home. This seemed reasonable in theory, but I had to point out this meant I would be going to a remote location (the dead zone between two towns/cities) to meet a stranger. He understood why I wasn't keen on this, but the fact that I had to explain it to him made me feel that I didn't want to pursue anything.

I think your bloke may be in the same zone - just not seeing there's any possible reason for a woman to feel uncomfortable about it. Absolutely okay not to keep interacting with him ('awkward and uncomfortable' would be a limit for me too), but equally okay if you feel this episode was not a dealbreaker.

Tell him that you are very uncomfortable and his behaviour feels creepy, turning up with no prior arrangement is ridiculous. Then block.and delete. Also go on PayPal.and delete the payment if you no lo ger want to be a member.

I think this context changes things a bit!!!

Just caught up.. op I suspect his heart was in the right place, ie he didn't mean anything sinister.. the long chats suggest he's lonely and flinging himself into a rebound..he's clearly not ready to be in a relationship and is likely still grieving but doesn't know how to cope,

Let him down gently, block and make your expectations clear from the start,

Not acceptable at all , I had this once where I declined a date and said I had to work - he drive over parked outside and side I can see you in the house , thought you were at work ! I was working on my laptop at home on a budget deadline - never saw him again , freaked me out

This is the red flag for me. I think the driving over could very likely be a misunderstanding given your update. I'm sure he's very lonely, but the bereavement is very new: he's still in the throes of grief and at best wants someone (anyone?) to keep him company and fill the quietness he's been left with or at worse is the kind of person who is unable to look after themselves alone and needs a replacement 'mother'.

I would absolutely hate this.

Even if it was completely innocent, he will know for future reference not to do it again.

I personally wouldn’t give him the time of day again.
There are hundreds of men out there.

If you want to carry on talking to him that’s fine, just be aware of any other red flags.

Id made the joke re posh/becks when we were talking about the other date I'd had , meaning if that guy had really wanted to see me again he would have made the effort but the difference here was we HAD MET UP , we'd had a very lovely date . He had stayed over at a hotel to see me .

We are actually still in touch and converse daily by text , ina friendly and sometimes flirty way but we had at least met .

He has said he thinks he was hasty and may well make the drive again in a comfier car 😂.

But the guy I'm referring to on this thread had not even met me . I'd have been happy to schedule a date and see , but he was giving me very needy vibes and desperation to prove himself and I don't need that , I've been single 4 years and lived alone very happily. I can't see with how needy this guy was how he'd ever be happy with what I can offer .

It just caught me completely off guard . He was sat in my local . (He wouldn't know that but it's the closest pub to where I live ! ) it totally freaked me .

I disagree with most of the previous posters, I think you are all being too hard on him. By a strange coincidence and almost identical Thing Happened to Me with a man I met on online dating many years ago. He lived in Ramsgate and I lived in Hastings and I said that, although it had been fun chatting with him, there was no chance of a relationship because of the huge distance between us which involved minimum of a two-hour drive. He did almost exactly the same thing: he did the drive without telling me, then telephone me to say he was in my town, and like you I was taken aback. However, I wasn't doing anything at that moment so I invited him round just for a cup of tea and after half an hour I sent him on his way and he drove back home. We then how to relationship for the next two years. I only ever went to his once, he did all the driving and always came over to my town every time we met up.

I would never invite a total stranger into my home I'm afraid . I just wouldn't .

If I hadn't been wandering around looking like an extra out of the walking dead I might have thrown some clothes on and gone for a drink but it was all so unplanned and I don't do unplanned .