To think this is nuts and a bit alarming

[capabilityfrowns]

I'm a woman in my 50s on an older persons dating site , it's been dire and I've tried to come off it but they took another payment from PayPal before I realised .

I got chatting to a pleasant man , a widower, who had been with his wife 35 years and who had died 6 months ago quite suddenly.

We had a pleasant telephone conversation and stayed in touch via WhatsApp but not daily .

I hasps expressed concern that geographically we were some distance apart . He said it wasn't an issue , I gave a rough area as to where I live but not thank god my address or specific location.

He's just rung me , to say he is sat in my local village , and it took exactly 93 minutes to get there ,

WTF ????? We arranged NOTHING ! He seems to think this is a romantic gesture to prove the distance isn't an issue but it's totally made me feel very uncomfortable. He's now set off back to his home address , that's a 3 hour round trip.

He seems ok and I don't want to just block without explaining why that is totally inappropriate- which it is isn't it???

What do I say ?

I was in shock when I realised he was phoning from so nearby and just said my signal was crap (true) and I was cooking (true) and couldn't chat .

I'm a bit freaked . What do I say ?

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying you live in Biggleswade, or Little Hangbury, if you don't specify exactly where (opposite the post office) etc. For the sake of distance when looking for matches.

But thinking about it, it's probably better to say 'my closest large town/city is Norfolk' to give a feel of location without being too specific.

To be fair, losing a spouse usually brings "bereavement brain fog" and sometimes it causes people to act in ways they wouldn't normally. As his bereavement is pretty recent, it could be that.

Unless you've been there, it can be hard to understand,

Best to block if you're not comfortable, but he may not actually be a creepy stalker.🙄

The thing is, you're not really into him anyway. When he calls for a long chat in the evening your heart isn't skipping a beat, you're thinking "bloody hell, I was hoping to watch Survivor". Dating any man carries some risks, which is grim, but we often think it's worth it. But if you're not excited about him now, it's not worth taking even the tiniest risk.

Why on earth didn't he just asked if you fancied a drink and he didn't mind driving over? It's so weird to expect you to just drop everything you're doing and go out at night to meet a stranger who's come over unannounced. Totally inappropriate.

Is the site Our Time as it is the same profiles as Match for the over 50s.

I think the site is quite good to be honest.

I was tracked down by one nutter with quite minimal info. It’s worth doing an online search of yourself to see if your address can be tracked in any way eg Companies House, 192.com, planning applications. Obviously, you’d say a location, but safer to be vague than to give village/small town location.

It sounds like he was lonely and hopeful -and also woefully out of touch with dating dos and don'ts. Probably emboldened by grief.
But also sounds like he wants lots of contact and needs lots of support. Which isn't what you're after.
You did the right thing.
I would feel very uncomfortable with his actions.

I wouldn't feel guilt or pity OP. He's just desperate for a woman, any woman, to fill the woman shaped hole in his life. Men like him don't see women as fully human, we're just service humans to them. His wife has been dead for 6 months. Six months! and he's making big romantic (entitled) gestures to a woman he's never met. The fact he's so needy, and with the long phone calls every evening, is a real turn off.

So fucking creepy.

Maybe report to the site?

He was married for 35 years. Therefore, he probably last dated as a teenager, maybe married his first partner and will not have dated with an app or mobile phone. It's a bit hasty to suggest this is an ingrained pattern of behaviour. At the same time, still fine to find it uncomfortable and too much and back out.

Red flag the size of .... can't think of anything red.
People can say what they like online (I'm a widower, I'm so lonely, I'm rich, I'm a human rights lawyer...) just to engage you. The only way you can assess them properly is by what they do. And he's done something creepy as f*CK.
Block him, no explanations.

I'm generalising but a lot of men do seem to move on to dating sooner than women do after a bereavement.

And also if he's been married for 35 years he's probably out of practice with dating and what is and not acceptable.

But you are not unreasonable to have blocked him

@Takethehintandfuckoff I’m 100% in the camp that OP has done the right thing, this behaviour would freak me out and I’d be done too. Added to the daily phone call thing, just, no!

However I do think this was a harsh reply, the other poster was just putting across another angle.

By the way second guess does not mean what you think it means! Keep
seeing this use of the phrase, it’s odd. Do you mean ‘doubt herself?’. Anyway I don’t think @Kittenkitty was being unkind!

Definitely nuts and alarming. Glad you have listened to your instincts and blocked him.

@LylaLee No I wouldn't feel pressured. If I wanted to meet I would. If not, I'd just say I was busy. Not sure why they'd be pressure if you hadn't agreed to anything.

Grieving does not give someone the right to overstep boundaries and make someone feel uncomfortable- it might be a reason, but its not an excuse. His wife died only 6 months ago- you could equally argue its not very respectful to her to suddenly rock up unannounced at some random woman's village/town because he's so desperate for a female replacement.

There appears to be a pattern here of him not listening to what the OP wants- eg. turning up and expecting her to meet him when it wasnt arranged, her saying distance is an issue for her and him not respecting that, him wanting long phone calls daily when she does not. These are all red flags and this is before they've even started dating. Expect this pattern to continue OP- you expressing things you want/need from a relationship and him riding roughshod over them and doing the exact opposite because its what HE wants to do. You've explained and blocked which is good. Hopefully he'll realise that you cant just ignore the other person's wishes when dating otherwise this will happen to him over and over again.

I knew someone who went on a couple of dates. Told the guy she was going on holiday the following week. Had told where she was going. Anyways he messaged her while she was there to say he’d caught a flight over and was on the beach !!!!! Proper creepy that was. She was fuming and told him so !

By the way second guess does not mean what you think it means! Keep
seeing this use of the phrase, it’s odd. Do you mean ‘doubt herself?’.

Yes you can 'second guess' yourself. A perfectly common phrase used correctly.

www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/second-guess#:~:text=It%20was%20impossible%20to%20second,still%20be%20second%2Dguessing%20yourself%20.

My uncle lost his wife 2 years ago. They had a lovely, happy 30 year long marriage. It took him a long time to get over it and he is only just now back on the dating scene. So I still stand by what I said about 6 months being far too soon.