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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Telling someone you are too busy for a visit but they turned up anyway

310 replies

Minniliscious · 19/11/2023 15:10

Just wanting to get some more views on this as I am feeling really bad right now.

DH and I booked Friday as leave to get things done around the house etc …. Car battery had gone flat and DH arranged for a neighbour to help with this. I was decluttering and deep cleaning ready for Christmas and making cupcakes for DS Christmas fayre at school. Just very busy all day with planned stuff to do.

A neighbour that I bump into now and then (wouldn’t say we know each other that well but are friendly) text me to say that she was bored and could she pop round for a cuppa and a chat (she had seen the car outside). I text back “Sorry but really not convenient today! We’ve booked the day off to declutter etc but let me know when you’re next free” I forgot about it and just carried on. An hour later, there’s a knock at the door and it’s her! She was like “Hi put the kettle on you sound like you need a break” I asked if she had got my text and she went “yeah but you’re not out out, you’re around so I won’t stay long.” I really didn’t know what to say , I was speechless. We walked through to the kitchen, I put the kettle on but suddenly felt really irritated and said “actually I really can’t stop for a cuppa, this is the only day I have to get things done. I did tell you that?” So with that, she huffily got up and said she wish she’d hadn’t bothered! I ended up apologising to her and saying I’d be in touch.

The more I think about it though, I just can’t believe someone would have the audacity to even do that? Was I being unreasonable by practically throwing her out??

OP posts:
nomoretoriesforme · 20/11/2023 08:04

YANBU
My former friend used to do this... she was like a bulldozer , no respect for people's boundaries..At the end , I told her , we can't be friends anymore..

flaxentoad · 20/11/2023 08:06

Some people see boundaries as a red rag to a bull. Just means you have to really enforce them!

Years ago, I had a pushy, bullying "friend" who is no longer my friend (her choice). We spent a lot of time together and also worked together.

One Saturday I didn't want to spend 9-5pm mooching around the shops. This was fun for her, she was a shopaholic and in debt to her eyeballs. I often went with her, just to be nice.

Well, one Saturday I really didn't want to. I can't remember what I wanted to do, but it wasn't wandering round the shops in the rain. I told her I wasn't going.

She turned up and started knocking on the door! I dived behind the sofa until she went away. I don't know if she knew I was in there or not (I had no car as a giveaway), but I didn't care.

That was the beginning of me standing up for myself.

FrenchandSaunders · 20/11/2023 08:11

There’s some strange people about. I work from home and a friend knocked on the door “just passing, put the kettle on” ….. I said I had to dial into a meeting in a couple of minutes. She ignored that and put the kettle on. I went off to my office and left her there. She sat on her own for 30 minutes before letting herself out and then sent an arsey text 🤣

idealgift · 20/11/2023 08:11

@flaxentoad

Years ago, I had a pushy, bullying "friend" who is no longer my friend (her choice).

when you say her choice… she ended the friendship?

idealgift · 20/11/2023 08:12

FrenchandSaunders · 20/11/2023 08:11

There’s some strange people about. I work from home and a friend knocked on the door “just passing, put the kettle on” ….. I said I had to dial into a meeting in a couple of minutes. She ignored that and put the kettle on. I went off to my office and left her there. She sat on her own for 30 minutes before letting herself out and then sent an arsey text 🤣

in my mind, it’s more strange that you let her in and then left her in your in your kitchen whilst you went off.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/11/2023 08:12

I'm starting to understand why some people are scared to answer the down to an unexpected knock.

SunRainStorm · 20/11/2023 08:34

@ThePoetsWife @idealgift @LylaLee

They had a key. If I pretended I wasn't home they would walk around the back to look through the glass door or alternatively just let themselves in.

They had me well trained- they were prone to tantrums and huge fallings out with people so we all tip toed around them.

Eventually they blew up at us over something else, disowned my husband and said we were dead to them. They were then shocked and enraged that we didn't deliver our baby to them for a visit every week so sued us for custody

It was thrown out of court.

So yes I guess I did put my foot down in a way, but it wasn't simple at all.

Sorry to hijack the thread!

idealgift · 20/11/2023 08:39

they had a key? presumably you or tour husband have it to them?

and They were then shocked and enraged that we didn't deliver our baby to them for a visit every week so sued us for custody

It was thrown out of court.

It never would have got to court

Rookiesboy · 20/11/2023 08:39

You were grumpy and that's understandable, but you were rather direct and actually rude. I'm sure if you could wind back time you'd say it differently. Well done for apologising, it was the right thing to do.

In hindsight you could have roped her in to helping with the declutter. ' Oh just hold this bag open while I put this rubbish in' she'll get bored after a bit, or might actually be useful.. Another strategy would be to whip off your clothes and answer the door in your dressing gown,and DH to do the same. That will send a message that you didn't want to be disturbed!

Easy to say I know, but hopefully next time will work out better.

walkingintothefuture · 20/11/2023 08:42

@SunRainStorm why did you give her a key? why didnt you get it back or change the locks if you knew everyone was avoiding her and she was doing stuff like this? it sounds like everyone knew what she was like so it makes no sense you'd give her a key to your home. If she refused to return it you could have simply changed the locks...

SunRainStorm · 20/11/2023 08:57

Grandparents have standing to make applications to court for access to minor children. Google 'grandparents rights' if you want to learn about it.

It was a valid application and we had to hire a lawyer and apply for it to be dismissed by the court.

My husband gave them a key. I wasn't happy about it. Changing the locks lead to a huge tantrum and threats so we gave them a new key to end the fight.

I'd never encountered people like them before in my life. I did my best with what I knew at the time.

My husband had to go on his own journey with it, having been raised by emotionally volatile and abusive people.

We did our best. I don't believe I lack a 'backbone' at all.

LylaLee · 20/11/2023 09:06

Grandparents rights usually only apply where one parent is deceased and the widow/widower is withholding visits from a child with whom they have an existing relationship.

Not when both parents are alive & not in an institution.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/11/2023 09:07

I suspect the majority of grandparents going to courts for access are the sort of people no sane person would want around children.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/11/2023 09:18

SunRainStorm · 20/11/2023 08:34

@ThePoetsWife @idealgift @LylaLee

They had a key. If I pretended I wasn't home they would walk around the back to look through the glass door or alternatively just let themselves in.

They had me well trained- they were prone to tantrums and huge fallings out with people so we all tip toed around them.

Eventually they blew up at us over something else, disowned my husband and said we were dead to them. They were then shocked and enraged that we didn't deliver our baby to them for a visit every week so sued us for custody

It was thrown out of court.

So yes I guess I did put my foot down in a way, but it wasn't simple at all.

Sorry to hijack the thread!

I sympathise- my exH's family were a bit like this!

MuggleMe · 20/11/2023 09:23

I was having a really bad day on Friday and invited myself round to my good friend's, she'd been ill and apologised for the state of the house. So we cleaned and decluttered the kitchen together while we chatted.

If she actually wanted company she could have offered to help you.

RosePetals86 · 20/11/2023 09:29

I wfh and have told family I was working on x day and they just turn up anyway because ‘they won’t stay long!’ Just rude! Then they make you feel bad for trying to ship them out.

billy1966 · 20/11/2023 09:37

@SunRainStorm may I ask, where are you at now with them?

SunRainStorm · 20/11/2023 09:40

billy1966 · 20/11/2023 09:37

@SunRainStorm may I ask, where are you at now with them?

The court application was the last straw for us, we're NC now.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/11/2023 09:43

MuggleMe · 20/11/2023 09:23

I was having a really bad day on Friday and invited myself round to my good friend's, she'd been ill and apologised for the state of the house. So we cleaned and decluttered the kitchen together while we chatted.

If she actually wanted company she could have offered to help you.

Did she know you were coming over though or did you just turn up?

billy1966 · 20/11/2023 09:46

Unfortunately it often appears to be the only way with people whose sole focus is on their needs always being met, irrespective of what those around them want.

They can't be fixed and often by then, those around them don't care, they just don't want to be near them at all.

idealgift · 20/11/2023 09:56

@MuggleMe when you say you invited it’s yourself around… did you give her any advance notice?

how did you word it?!

sockarefootwear · 20/11/2023 10:21

YANBU

I once agreed to look after my friend's DC whilst she was ill and ended up taking them home, putting them to bed and staying there (quietly downstairs) until her DH came home (all at her request). Another friend who lived nearby knocked on the door saying she had seen my car in the driveway so thought she'd pop in to 'join in the fun'. When I explained that friend was ill in bed and I was just babysitting she tried to push past me to go up and 'cheer her up'. Even when I told her that friend was asleep and was sick every time she tried to move she still tried to persuade me to let her go up for a chat. When I didn't let her in she sent dozens of messages to sick friend complaining that I was trying to come between them and then complaining that friend was not responding.

stayathomer · 20/11/2023 10:35

idealgift
ah sorry I meant the sometimes life isn’t right or wrong in relation to the neighbour deciding to come in anyway, sorry, I sometimes phrase things wrong because our internet is dodgy so I can lose comments! Have a great day!

notlucreziaborgia · 20/11/2023 10:55

Had this with an acquaintance I’d never actually invited to my house. She knew where I lived because she’d driven by and seen me getting home, apparently. She sent me a message saying she was going to ‘pop round for a cup of tea and a catch up’, to which I replied I was busy. Cue her turning up anyway with a “don’t worry, I won’t stay long!” - no, darling, you won’t be staying at all.

I’m not British so I lack the cultural training to apologise for being inconvenienced. I can recommend losing that if it’s at all an option.

walkingintothefuture · 20/11/2023 11:05

I’m not British so I lack the cultural training to apologise for being inconvenienced. I can recommend losing that if it’s at all an option

I ❤️ this!