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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not married parent, am I bonkers to be part time?

169 replies

Daisygivemeyouranswerdo · 19/11/2023 08:52

I am hoping for some advice regarding finances and future planning as an unmarried but partnered mum.

Currently, I’m working PT since returning from mat leave last year. My partner and I of 10+ years own a home together but are not married and likely will never be (he doesn’t want to get married, has said he basically wants to protect his own assets. This isn’t a guess. He has said this but I think instantly regretted letting me know it)

He’s a lovely man and a great dad but I know I am in a tricky situation financially both short and long term. He is the higher earner and likely will be as his industry prints money.

I don’t want to be FT again until my LO is in school, a couple of years away. I know lots of people will say to go FT again immediately (or LTB, having cake and eating cake etc) but I won’t give up this short time with my LO when school is only a few years away and I have many years ahead until I’ll need to pull a pension, if we can afford it. I plan to head up the career ladder and possibly retrain into a higher paying industry to boost my income and essentially (DP has suggested I do this and will support me financially doing it) be able to provide for myself and my child long term. Could I hear any positive stories about this if this is your experience please?

Am I being unreasonable to be panicking about this now? I have a long career ahead of me right? to help boost my own savings? I can enjoy these few years with LO without financial worry (all being well…)?

Currently DP pays for most things for our household which allows me to save. So does he but think £300 (mine) compared to 3k (his) so we are totally out of balance in that. I know I cannot rely on him aside from this and the marriage thing has been an eye opener of course and that he wants all the benefits of a wife without any of the risk of a wife. He knows about the inheritance tax issue and does not see this as a reason to protect either of us by getting married. I would not want a wedding but would be happy to be legally married - not so much for romance (I do love him very much) but the financial security and avoidance of IT. I now know that no matter what, I need to plan for my child and I to be left high and dry. Day to day this isn’t his character (generous generally but a saver) but clearly, it’s something my DP thinks about and I need to, too.

An ultimatum not an option, I’ve no interest in marrying a reluctant husband 😂

OP posts:
SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 19/11/2023 08:56

Is he topping up your pension while your earnings are limited? I think that would be the decider. Savings he can access and has control over ‘for the family’ is one thing, but topping up your pension for you would tell you more about who he is as a person and whether youre a fool to not be worried. If he isnt topping up, then your savings need to be in your pension instead. And speak to an IFA

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 19/11/2023 08:59

Also youve asked two AIBU questions that would give opposite answers!

AIBU am i bonkers to be part time? and
Am I being unreasonable to be panicking about this now?

Viviennemary · 19/11/2023 09:00

If you are prepared to take the risk if an impoverished old age then fine. He's promised to support you financially if you retrain. Wouldn't rely on that for a start.

TrashedSofa · 19/11/2023 09:02

If nothing else, I wouldn't be having any more DC with him.

Bibbetybobbity · 19/11/2023 09:02

Yes, you’re in a high risk position. I suppose at least he’s been honest!

JustMarriedBecca · 19/11/2023 09:04

I agree. I'd expect your joint income as a family to be topping up your pension.

And no, it's not unreasonable to have a discussion. I've been happily married / together for 20 years and we are putting money in individual names for tax purposes and it made me uncomfortable even though income is around the same but not exactly in savings to each person. So we talked about it.

Original poster
Daisygivemeyouranswerdo · 19/11/2023 09:05

Impoverished old age, it’s less than 5 years out of a career full time so I’m hoping it won’t be too catastrophic overall? It seems a lot when I write it down!

Pension isn’t topped up. Our finances / savings are separate

OP posts:
Heatherbell1978 · 19/11/2023 09:05

I'd be panicking but then I've always had very strong views about women being financially independent. I couldn't function in your shoes, sorry, but like PP said, at least he's being honest that he won't marry you as he wants to keep his assets to himself.

TrashedSofa · 19/11/2023 09:06

It's interesting that he thinks you're going to be heading up the career ladder within a few years. Presumably you're talking maybe a year or two retraining once DC goes to primary school. They'll be perhaps 7 at the point when DP wants you to start taking off again. Will he be taking on enough of the parental load to allow this, at that point? Inset days, sick days etc?

AuntieStella · 19/11/2023 09:07

You are making yourself somewhat financially vulnerable

If all goes smoothly, and you do return to work and your career trajectory goes upwards as planned, the over the course of your lifetime, this would be no different to taking a lengthy sabbatical at any point.

But of course you know that life doesn't always go as planned, so what are the contingency plans?

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 19/11/2023 09:08

Viviennemary · 19/11/2023 09:00

If you are prepared to take the risk if an impoverished old age then fine. He's promised to support you financially if you retrain. Wouldn't rely on that for a start.

This is similar to what I was saying. Because of compound interest, it matters when you put the money in to your pension.

Am I being unreasonable to be panicking about this now? I have a long career ahead of me right? to help boost my own savings? I can enjoy these few years with LO without financial worry (all being well…)?

He is planning to support your career to earn more, but is he plugging the pension loss now?

Your plan relies on only having one child. Is that your plan?

Tarantella6 · 19/11/2023 09:08

If you could switch back to FT immediately if required then being PT for a few years isn't necessarily the end of the world.

If he's determined to keep everything separate though he should pay you for the days you are off with dc. Because those days are enabling him to save more and increase his assets.

What an unpleasant man. I'm not sure I'd trust him to support me to retrain, what if he suddenly decided it was too expensive?!

rubyslippers · 19/11/2023 09:08

You’re in a very risky position in all sorts of ways
no I wouldn’t be part time under these circumstances
no more kids either with him
hes told you he won’t marry to protect his assets - well his kids and girlfriend are assets - is he happy to see you all high and dry if the relationship ends?

S72 · 19/11/2023 09:09

You are in a high risk position.

Is the property is both names? Is your partner paying into a private pension for you? Are some of the savings in a joint account that you can access (appreciate for tax purposes it is more efficient to save into an ISA). Does he have life insurance with you listed as the beneficiary so you are covered in the event of unexpected death? Are you put as a beneficiary on his pension expression of wish? Not to mention an up to date will.

All things to discuss.

StillWantingADog · 19/11/2023 09:09

This is all very strange but at least you know where you stand

what if he gets knocked over by a bus. Will you get access to his savings then? If not who will. At the very least he needs to draw up a plan for his partner and child to be supported in the event of his death.

Uncooperativefingers · 19/11/2023 09:11

Problem is, it's not paying into a pension at the early/mid part of your career when it packs the most punch.

How does you being part time benefit him? I'm assuming he has to pay less childcare, do less around the house? Can you presnet it like that for him to add to your pension? (As he seems to only understand money) Also, are things split 50:50 or proportionally? Push or the latter.

Also, can you see yourself being happy with the lack of security long term? Knowing that at any moment of his choosing your lifestyle could seriously reduce as he walks out the door. That would be a major problem for me and I'm struggling to see how he is a good man or father tbh

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 19/11/2023 09:11

Daisygivemeyouranswerdo · 19/11/2023 09:05

Impoverished old age, it’s less than 5 years out of a career full time so I’m hoping it won’t be too catastrophic overall? It seems a lot when I write it down!

Pension isn’t topped up. Our finances / savings are separate

Then while he is protecting his assets he is also choosing not to protect yours.

id ask him to top up your pension while you are raising your child. That should be an absolute.

and ask his plan for childcare / sick days / holidays for when you are working on your career. As yours will have already taken a massive hit and cannot be the one taking more hits.

Quartz2208 · 19/11/2023 09:11

I think not an ultimatum but areal chat about what he sees happening here with the inquiry of it to the women who is supporting him and looking after his child and the sacrifices you are making with noth8ng back

TrashedSofa · 19/11/2023 09:12

StillWantingADog · 19/11/2023 09:09

This is all very strange but at least you know where you stand

what if he gets knocked over by a bus. Will you get access to his savings then? If not who will. At the very least he needs to draw up a plan for his partner and child to be supported in the event of his death.

Yes, what are his plans for emergencies and the like? Insurance and wills, basically. These can be changed without you knowing so they're not perfect protection, but they're a start.

Additionally OP, if he'd fund retraining, would it be viable to start earlier and do it part time while your child is preschool age?

Caffeinequeen91 · 19/11/2023 09:13

He’s not a good man.
He will get used to you doing the wife and mum work looking after the child when there’s illness, school hols etc. You will find your career hampered by a partner that won’t take time off for child illness, school hols etc.

Caffeinequeen91 · 19/11/2023 09:14

If he doesn’t want a marriage you could have a civil partnership.

LittleBearPad · 19/11/2023 09:15

Given he’s a higher tax payer it would make sense for him to transfer savings to you as you’ll be able to earn more interest on them before paying any tax.

It would also make sense for him to pay in to your pension.

Ask him. See what he says. It will tell you whether he sees you as a team or not.

Mumsanetta · 19/11/2023 09:17

You’re asking questions you already know the answer to:

  • he doesn’t care about your financial security - outgoings are not split according to earnings, no pension top ups, refusal to marry to protect his assets.
  • you are in a vulnerable position. Fingers crossed he doesn’t either turn into a bigger ass (and you get fed up enough to leave) or he doesn’t leave you until your kids are in school, you have retrained and have managed to get a well paying, full time job. Have a look at the many posts on the Relationships by unmarried mothers who have been left high and dry.
SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 19/11/2023 09:18

Caffeinequeen91 · 19/11/2023 09:14

If he doesn’t want a marriage you could have a civil partnership.

Why do you think this would be a solution?

Onelifeonly · 19/11/2023 09:18

I can't say I understand his attitude or why you are ok with it. However, what strikes me is you have said nothing about him providing for his child. Maybe he can justify not providing for you long term, but his child is equally his responsibility. Shouldn't he set up some long term savings to benefit his child? Ideally in your name so you can access it before your child turns 18 if need be.

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