Not married parent, am I bonkers to be part time?

[Daisygivemeyouranswerdo]

I am hoping for some advice regarding finances and future planning as an unmarried but partnered mum.

Currently, I’m working PT since returning from mat leave last year. My partner and I of 10+ years own a home together but are not married and likely will never be (he doesn’t want to get married, has said he basically wants to protect his own assets. This isn’t a guess. He has said this but I think instantly regretted letting me know it)

He’s a lovely man and a great dad but I know I am in a tricky situation financially both short and long term. He is the higher earner and likely will be as his industry prints money.

I don’t want to be FT again until my LO is in school, a couple of years away. I know lots of people will say to go FT again immediately (or LTB, having cake and eating cake etc) but I won’t give up this short time with my LO when school is only a few years away and I have many years ahead until I’ll need to pull a pension, if we can afford it. I plan to head up the career ladder and possibly retrain into a higher paying industry to boost my income and essentially (DP has suggested I do this and will support me financially doing it) be able to provide for myself and my child long term. Could I hear any positive stories about this if this is your experience please?

Am I being unreasonable to be panicking about this now? I have a long career ahead of me right? to help boost my own savings? I can enjoy these few years with LO without financial worry (all being well…)?

Currently DP pays for most things for our household which allows me to save. So does he but think £300 (mine) compared to 3k (his) so we are totally out of balance in that. I know I cannot rely on him aside from this and the marriage thing has been an eye opener of course and that he wants all the benefits of a wife without any of the risk of a wife. He knows about the inheritance tax issue and does not see this as a reason to protect either of us by getting married. I would not want a wedding but would be happy to be legally married - not so much for romance (I do love him very much) but the financial security and avoidance of IT. I now know that no matter what, I need to plan for my child and I to be left high and dry. Day to day this isn’t his character (generous generally but a saver) but clearly, it’s something my DP thinks about and I need to, too.

An ultimatum not an option, I’ve no interest in marrying a reluctant husband 😂

@YaWeeFurryBastard yes I know.. we have regular conversations about this and re evaluate the wills and finances.

I asked partner to call the pension fund provider the other day, to double check everything was the same. But I know exactly what you mean..

I would want to have equal pension payments. Joint mortgage and equal savings put aside each month. And equal spending money. Then I would be ok with the plan. But id question the man who is unwilling to financially protect his partner who is sacrificing her career currently to raise his children.

So - you own the house 50/50 and he has nominated you for pension and death in service benefits if he dies. He is paying the lions share of your day to day expenses as a family (which he should as the higher earner). Exactly what assets is he seeking to protecting by not marrying you?

Does he have other properties or substantial savings?

It does sound a bit fucked up and in your position I would absolutely not go part time.

I don't think there's anything wrong with his position. He is subsidising you while you are off work so the present is not a problem. It really depends on whether you can support yourself and child without him, at an ok standard of living. If you want more then it's up to you to do what need doing to earn it. The main thing is make sure he has a will and leaves everything to you and your child.

Even if you were married, you would still need to earn your own way if you split, although you'd get half his savings too but half of 3k is not going to go far anyway. And you said you own the house jointly so that is ok.

You’re wanting the benefit of part time working now, with him to essentially pay for vast majority of things without you having to worry about it

Well he’s also benefitting if she is PT

Lower childcare fees
Fewer drop offs/pick ups/sick days for him to share
More stuff taken care of around the house

OP maybe you should charge him a nanny or nanny/housekeeper day rate for the days you are not working? As otherwise you are basically facilitating him to earn more at your own financial expense when it’s clear you won’t get a share of that benefit.

You are extremely vulnerable. He has no contractual (marriage) obligations or responsibility towards you. Focus on the stuff that is within your control.

Improve your earning power. Invest in your own pension. Keep an objective mind on your security. Don't even consider another pregnancy.

Incidentally, life 'happens' and earning capacity can change. You may at some point out-earn him. Beware the backtracking and sudden change of heart towards marriage and assets.

Or maybe he tell OP that she needs to go back full time and he no longer agrees to her PT hours.

No where has OP said he's forcing her into PT. Infant she's talked about his willingness to participate in child rearing.

What she has said repeatedly is that she wants to be PT for her.

So is that a game she's willing to play?

Agree with a sit down. It might be awkward but just rip the plaster off.

Three practical non-negotiable from you should be

1. get a proportional split so if he earns £9k you earn £1k you pay 10% household costs he pays 90%. (Childcare bill should be excluded from this amount and he should foot 100% as you work part time so are already covering your share of childcare)
2. He needs to make pension top ups
3. given he won’t marry he should be gifting your child £3k Pa in a trust/savings acc/whatever. package it as being “for uni”. this will slightly lower inheritance tax and be hugely beneficial to you in terms of lower financial demands from child(ren) if/when he leaves.

separately your view that “he is scared you’ll leave and take your cash” is one (generous?) interpretation. Another more cynical one is, should it not suit him anymore, he wants the option to walk away from you and this life with impunity. More crassly, “trade you in” when his midlife crisis hits.
keeps his in mind and guard your interests.

that said you WANT to be part time so as long as you get something that works for you… fine.

I am ALWAYS looking out for my financial interests. i watched females in my wider family go 50/50 each way. Half kept jobs and had their own incomes and savings and had “freedoms” the other half didn’t.
the rest quietly went along with the flow were beholden to their often dickhead husbands… patiently hoping harold would change his mind and “let” them buy new shoes for the kids.

I knew from a young age I’d be buying my own diamonds and rings and Harold could go fuck himself…

Great point

I know it's easy to say this from the comfort of my keyboard, but I couldn't sustain any positive feelings for a partner who cared so little for me.

If my husband and I divorce, I'd be able to take him to the cleaners and end up far better off than if I'd never met him. I know this, he knows this. But he loves me enough that he's happy with that; he wants me to be looked after always, even if our relationship ends.

I agree with this. It sounds like he is not fully checked into the relationship. What is his money for? He's worried you will divorce him and take half his money? So the reason he isn't marrying you is because if you split ( which when unmarried is statistically more likely) he doesn't have to to pay the mother of his child any money to live on, he just has to pay child support? Even if you still have a small child to care for and only want to work part time? He can check out any time he likes and lavish his money on a new woman/children. At the very least, ask him to pay into pension contributions for you, because you will be stuffed. It takes ages to make up pension shortfall. I'm doing it at the moment as I have been working part time for 15 years. Im having to put a lot away, and I have an excellent work pension.

It’s mostly his great pension and savings - probably around 60K currently

What does he plan on doing with his £60k? Its not spend it on his family! Unless hes planning on spending it on another family. If he put at least half of that into a trust fund for your child, that's one thing, but you are relying on him doing that. If he asks for 50/50 custody on split, he wort even need to pay child support to you and youll have to pick up the pieces of a career yo put on the backburner for 5 years.

I'm sorry, I couldn't be with a man who felt he had to "protect" his assets from me. Why doesn't he want to protect you?

If I were in your position and you still want to be with him, I'd be trying to boost my earnings ASAP with a long term view of eventually ending up without him. He seems to think that is what will happen so you need to be prepared for it

I'm putting the shoe on the other foot here.

If I was paying the lions share of the bills, entertaining etc and my DP was earning a fraction of what I did through their own choice I would not be getting married or topping up their pension.

He sounds like he's supportive of you retraining and standing on your own two feet (which I think is important in any relationship, married or not). Get a job and get paid childcare.

He doesn't want to get married - I cam see why. This should have been discussed BEFORE you found yourself in this position and not after.

I'm a huge advocate for being financially secure by myself and not reliant on my DP.

I have a friend whose husband had this attitude. So she slowly started building up her own assets. She now has a decent property portfolio, housing and business premises, works her full-time job now purely for enjoyment and extra spending money, and funnily enough he now is keen to get married.

Is it her own choice though or a family one

op how is childcare and housework split - does he understand what you are sacrificing in order to be there for your child and what it means

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone so unloving callous and completely uninterested in ensuring I am safe and secure.

This is the story I was looking forward to 😂 can she email me ha? (About the self sufficiency, marriage for marriage really isn’t something I’m fussed by)

The shoe on the other foot never works when it's a male and female couple. Because the male partner isn't the one who's impacted by pregnancy and birth, or by being seen as a 'risk' in that respect as women of childbearing age sometimes are by employers. That means the comparison is never accurate, even when it doesn't leave out as many relevant factors as you have here.

If you break up are ‘his assets’ protected given you’ve been together so long?

I have had a few job offers for FT roles, better pay and career boosters. He mentions being surprised I’d want to be FT. We both like I’m with our child and CC is PT

Pension contributions made 30 years before retirement are significantly more valuable than contributions made 25 or 20 years before retirement because of the compound growth on the older contributions.

You would have to make much much higher contributions in future to compensate for the shortfall due to inadequate contributions for this 5 year period now.

he doesn’t want to get married, has said he basically wants to protect his own assets. This isn’t a guess. He has said this but I think instantly regretted letting me know it

believe him, and act appropriately to protect yourself.

I think you sound a little naive about what your career prospects will be when you are 5 years older, have worked part time for 5 years and have a child in tow.

🙄
i hope she tells him where to go!

@TrashedSofa you've just said exactly what I wanted to, but I wouldn't have put it so well!

Pregnancy and childbirth carries risk to life, health, and therefore future earning potential. A decent man should want to protect his partner.