Not married parent, am I bonkers to be part time?

[Daisygivemeyouranswerdo]

I am hoping for some advice regarding finances and future planning as an unmarried but partnered mum.

Currently, I’m working PT since returning from mat leave last year. My partner and I of 10+ years own a home together but are not married and likely will never be (he doesn’t want to get married, has said he basically wants to protect his own assets. This isn’t a guess. He has said this but I think instantly regretted letting me know it)

He’s a lovely man and a great dad but I know I am in a tricky situation financially both short and long term. He is the higher earner and likely will be as his industry prints money.

I don’t want to be FT again until my LO is in school, a couple of years away. I know lots of people will say to go FT again immediately (or LTB, having cake and eating cake etc) but I won’t give up this short time with my LO when school is only a few years away and I have many years ahead until I’ll need to pull a pension, if we can afford it. I plan to head up the career ladder and possibly retrain into a higher paying industry to boost my income and essentially (DP has suggested I do this and will support me financially doing it) be able to provide for myself and my child long term. Could I hear any positive stories about this if this is your experience please?

Am I being unreasonable to be panicking about this now? I have a long career ahead of me right? to help boost my own savings? I can enjoy these few years with LO without financial worry (all being well…)?

Currently DP pays for most things for our household which allows me to save. So does he but think £300 (mine) compared to 3k (his) so we are totally out of balance in that. I know I cannot rely on him aside from this and the marriage thing has been an eye opener of course and that he wants all the benefits of a wife without any of the risk of a wife. He knows about the inheritance tax issue and does not see this as a reason to protect either of us by getting married. I would not want a wedding but would be happy to be legally married - not so much for romance (I do love him very much) but the financial security and avoidance of IT. I now know that no matter what, I need to plan for my child and I to be left high and dry. Day to day this isn’t his character (generous generally but a saver) but clearly, it’s something my DP thinks about and I need to, too.

An ultimatum not an option, I’ve no interest in marrying a reluctant husband 😂

Sounds like you want to marry him for the financial security, and he doesn't want to be your financial meal ticket. I can see both sides here in the circumstances and I think no one here can really advise you what to do. This is something you need to work through with your other half.

Then he needs to pay you, at market rates, for the childcare (and household chores?) you are providing.

You missed the part where op is providing him with free childcare so he can line his pockets while she faces future financial insecurity or poverty in retirement.

@Sapphire387

Now I am married with another DC and am the main earner while DH is a SAHD. I am aware that by being married, I am in essence 'protecting' him while he isn't earning, and I think that is only fair as he is looking after our baby.

You are doing the right thing.

Funny how when the woman is the SAHM, people accuse her of looking for a ‘meal ticket’.

Case in point. What a misogynistic attitude.

"3. He also needs to paying voluntary National Insurance pension contributions so you are definitely entitled to a full state pension"

This is not necessary. OP is probably working enough for NI contributions or credits (you only need to earn £123/week). Even if she wasn't, as long as she is claiming Child Benefit, she will get Class 3 NI credits, which count towards the State Pension.

https://www.gov.uk/national-insurance

You can go on the pensions website or speak to someone there and see what you need to do to get where you need to be.

Can you retrain whilst you're at home? Surely your DC will go to nursery/playschool at some point?

What is the split in bills/mortgage? Are you having a 'payment holiday' whilst you're not working?

I couldn't be with a man who was happy to see me struggle, didn't act as though we were a team and was laying in his thousands of pounds worth of savings enabled by having someone else to take the hit on their career whilst raising their child.

Why would I offer my respect to anyone who didn't offer respect in return. I think it's a disgusting attitude to have to your so called partner and mother of his child.

I stayed at home with my children ( a long time ago so different thinking then)

There was no question that my DH supported me/us until I went back to work. I did p/t weekend jobs until youngest was 5 then part time term-time.

But he definitely was more responsible for bills. But all the money was 'ours'. I inherited quite a lot. That was 'ours'. We had joint accounts.
It wouldn't have occurred to him to save for himself and not us.

This. Case law (lots of it) can basically be summarised as ‘you can’t leave someone worse off on death than on divorce’.

An unmarried partner has to prove she (usually she) was being maintained by the deceased and even then only gets ‘reasonable provision’.

Even then @Sortmylifeout52 if he ever updates his will or pension nomination then you'll have no recourse. I know you've said in a later post that you got him to phone the pension fund recently and confirm the instructions but if he changes it tomorrow you've accrued no claim to anything, unlike if you were married where there would be a calculation done on pension sharing and other assets.

Funnily enough I say that as someone who isn't married and also has mirror nominations etc with my partner. I am the higher earner though not by a huge amount but I have a much better pension, we are child free and both work FT so all in all I'm content that I am the better protected one still and I don't want to get married. I just think everyone needs to be very clear on what protections they have, and wills and pension nominations aren't much protection at all.

Does it not bother you that you are facilitating his earnings by staying at home with your DC at the expense of your own career and pension? As he has no intention of endowing you with all his worldly goods (or any of them by the look of it) you appear to be very vulnerable

I have been part time until youngest started school this year. He used to earn more then a bit less (retrained to new industry) but now about equal.

View on here from what I see from other threads is that he should have topped up my pension during my PT period but I don't mind as overall my pension scheme is probably more generous than his. I value the extra time I got with the kids (though it does mean I have ended up in charge of most decisions and admin relating to them) and wouldn't have done it differently.

I assumed I would stay PT but actually once in school and with CoL nice to be able to contribute more to joint account and to be building up my own savings again.

We do jointly own our own house, share all expenses fairly etc and I figure I would be fine if we split with the equity from the house could definitely buy somewhere else.

For me not the money but sometimes feel like it makes us less of a partnership in some ways though on the other hand we are both very happy, never argue about money and finances and I think we both like having an element of control over our own money and being able to spend on what we want without having to discuss.

Exactly. He could change his will or pension nomination and Sortmylife would never know.

I can’t believe people are so naive about these things,

You were bonkers to have a child with him, but that ship has sailed.yes, FT and he pays half the chilcare

This. Sorry but how can you have even considered getting into this position. He’s benefitting massively and you’re hugely disadvantaged and at risk. You need a serious discussions with you about this and find a solution that puts you in an even position.

If you went to work full time he would have to pay childcare costs so the very least he could do would be to pay NI for you. He’s acting like he has no responsibility towards his child. This is a very unequal relationship. I wouldn’t want to be with a man like that.

The main difference with marriage is the event of divorce (if your house is already 50/50) is pension and potentially spousal income (which is getting rarer and generally would only be for 3 years). In a divorce savings can he hidden so that's often not 50/50. However with marriage you do have more rights.

So the advice to independently build your wealth is the best idea. See if he will contribute to your pension as it's a very tax efficient way to save (that might appeal to him). Get an ISA in your name, again very tax efficient and get him to contribute to savings for your dc.

In the event of a split you would be entitled to 50% of the equity so encourage him to pay extra on the mortgage. In those ways "his" money is also going to the benefit of the family and builds up finances for you.

A red flag on not contributing to your pension..my Ex H wasn't keen and that was definitely a predictor of his awful attitude to finances when we divorced. All partners are lovely until they decide they no longer want to be..usually because of OW.

Assume you were separating now do you know what money you would have? The cms payment is set at a threshold for even high earners and hasn't been increased in years so in most cases it wouldn't cover childcare let alone other costs. It's why single mothers are usually financially impoverished after separation whilst fathers living standards don't change much - most end up with >90% of income post separation.

And what if you become ill or disabled? What if he runs off with someone else next year? What if HE becomes ill or disabled; are you capable of supporting the household? What if he turns mean or abusive to you or your child.

You can't plan your life according to the best case scenario. There are thousands of threads on mumsnet alone that show the folly of doing so.

Very few people WANT to haul out of bed and go to work each day, but being a financially independent adult is crucial.

Did he make his declaration about marriage before or after the child was conceived?

This is similar to what I was saying. Because of compound interest, it matters when you put the money in to your pension.

Excellent point, @SusanKennedyshouldLTB

He basically gets sex, a housekeeper and childcare in exchange for paying bills he'd mostly have to pay anyway if he were single. And doesn't have to share his savings. Sweet deal for him.

Meanwhile OP falls further behind with every passing month and is losing the power of compounding interest/investment returns.

Exactly have you pointed out to him that at the moment he gets all the benefits of being single plus the benefits of being married whilst you are the opposite

i would sit down and say whilst you accept that marriage and dividing up 50/50 isn’t fir him you are actually losing out massively whilst taking a hit for this fsmily. Maybe setting out an amount that goes into a pension or savings for you plus change the ownership of the house so it is all set out might be fairer. Otherwise full time and 50/50 on everything else

Your in a position where you could work FT and chosen not to he’s being honest
my advice to any man or woman protect your career and finical security

Then you need to mention this to him. That either things change or you will go full time and things will change. He simply isn’t grasping he can’t have everything

In effect he is getting his child raised for free, and at your expense. I wouldn't be happy with that.