Not married parent, am I bonkers to be part time?

[Daisygivemeyouranswerdo]

I am hoping for some advice regarding finances and future planning as an unmarried but partnered mum.

Currently, I’m working PT since returning from mat leave last year. My partner and I of 10+ years own a home together but are not married and likely will never be (he doesn’t want to get married, has said he basically wants to protect his own assets. This isn’t a guess. He has said this but I think instantly regretted letting me know it)

He’s a lovely man and a great dad but I know I am in a tricky situation financially both short and long term. He is the higher earner and likely will be as his industry prints money.

I don’t want to be FT again until my LO is in school, a couple of years away. I know lots of people will say to go FT again immediately (or LTB, having cake and eating cake etc) but I won’t give up this short time with my LO when school is only a few years away and I have many years ahead until I’ll need to pull a pension, if we can afford it. I plan to head up the career ladder and possibly retrain into a higher paying industry to boost my income and essentially (DP has suggested I do this and will support me financially doing it) be able to provide for myself and my child long term. Could I hear any positive stories about this if this is your experience please?

Am I being unreasonable to be panicking about this now? I have a long career ahead of me right? to help boost my own savings? I can enjoy these few years with LO without financial worry (all being well…)?

Currently DP pays for most things for our household which allows me to save. So does he but think £300 (mine) compared to 3k (his) so we are totally out of balance in that. I know I cannot rely on him aside from this and the marriage thing has been an eye opener of course and that he wants all the benefits of a wife without any of the risk of a wife. He knows about the inheritance tax issue and does not see this as a reason to protect either of us by getting married. I would not want a wedding but would be happy to be legally married - not so much for romance (I do love him very much) but the financial security and avoidance of IT. I now know that no matter what, I need to plan for my child and I to be left high and dry. Day to day this isn’t his character (generous generally but a saver) but clearly, it’s something my DP thinks about and I need to, too.

An ultimatum not an option, I’ve no interest in marrying a reluctant husband 😂

I think this is the way to go.

If you said to him that the financial part of the relationship isn’t working for you any more and there has to be a rebalancing. You are bearing all of the financial cost of being at home full time with your joint child and that you are not prepared to do that- especially as the low earner. It’s stupid of you, and he shouldn’t expect someone he claims to love to imperil their financial future for his benefit when he is already so much better off. As an absolute minimum he should make a full pension top-up.
In addition he should respect you enough to do the right thing.
If he doesn’t then you will have to go back full time, and he can stop sponging off you.

Appreciate you want to spend time with your child however will that time also be spent doing the wifework and care of dc when unwell? Therefore you ARE working and he should be expected to pay what the going rate would be for a nanny/housekeeper/cook as his career is benefitting. If you did go FT these costs would also have to be met. These roles are not valued by men, he doesn't marry you therefore they do not come free.

We normally share the sick days and emergency time off. He does drop offs to nursery, I pick up.

In terms of finances now, he pays for almost all things. What I put into the kitty is minimal compared to outgoings, about 1/4 of my income. He pays around 1/4 if not more of his salary but the amount is much higher of course.

He pays for all fun things and rarely asks me to contribute.

I think I’ll be asking him to pay for our wills to agree what happens when.

We own 50/50 on our home.

I am his beneficiary for all insurances and death in services etc as he knows I will always care for our child. Mine goes to my child directly (he is aware)

We are unsure if we will have more children, part of my hesitation is not being married and finance planning

No need for me to reiterate what everyone else has said, you know you are in a very vulnerable position.

But at the very least have you discussed life insurance? Are you the beneficiary of his pension if he dies (if not, who is ? !!). Is he making financial provision & future savings for his child?

I could not be with someone like that. You say he’s generous. He isn’t.

… given his “carefulness” when the relationship is going well, what do you think are the chances you would be out on your arse instantly if things go south.

In this case, id really be focused on him topping up the pension and getting set in stone the career path change.

Yes, wills need to be made as a priority. Especially as it sounds like you may both need IHT planning help.

It would be really stupid to have another DC in this situation, tbh.

Please bear in mind that work and childcare don’t suddenly become easy once your LO is in school.

Wraparound childcare that covers after school and holidays (and possibly before school too depending on your work start time) is a LOT harder to find, and often more expensive on a per hour basis, than regular full time or part time childcare for preschoolers.

You plan to retrain, that’s great, but the training will almost certainly not fit within school hours, so your DP will need to not only support the whole family during that time but also either do the school runs himself (fat chance) or pay for wraparound care. Will he do this?

In summary: I don’t think you are BU but I wouldn’t pin too many hopes on your earnings increasing once child is in school. In your shoes I would be maximising your savings and pension now while you have easy (if not cheap) childcare and you still have a DP to share bills.

How part time are you talking? 4 days a week? Or 2?

I would propose that as you have gone p/t to raise your children he could make up your pension contributions to compensate your loss. If he demurs point out that if / when you are still happily together in retirement it will be better tax wise to be drawing down from two individual’s pensions rather than one.

You are a long way into a relationship with children, and at least he is covering most living costs.

Save, keep up with any CPD opportunities you see, and maintain the ability to be independent should you need to be.

More children?? why would you have more children with someone whose attitude is that they have to “protect their assets” from you??

He is not a lovely man. Lovely men take pride in providing for their family and ensuring their wife has a fair share of the family assets. This man is enjoying the benefits of you making a nice home for him and his child whilst making sure you don’t get your hands on any of “his” money. He’s a dud, raise your bar!

This is very sensible advice IMHO. I would just add that he should be making provision for his child in a will NOW, even if he doesn’t want to protect the mother of his child.

good luck, I hope you can eventually assuage his fears of being financially abused and that he learns to trust you.

It's highly likely this relationship is not going to last given what you've said about him. So whatever you decide, I would take the assumption you will not be with him in the long term, so how will you financially protect yourself, be that as a parent, or longer down the line with retirement etc?

Definitely address the pension issue. I topped up the gap from two periods of maternity leave in mine as it does make a difference.

You also need to have a discussion now about the primary school years. Drop off in the morning isn't so bad, in terms of then getting to work (depending on distances) but the 3:15 collection is really tricky. Make sure he's not planning on making that your responsibility to find work hours around. Seven years of accommodating school pick-up is a lot of lost earning potential. There are after school clubs at some schools but you may not want your child to have to go every day.

Well he is certainly not a “lovely man and a great dad” 🙄.

why should he have his cake and eat it at your expense?

He's not lovely. If he was you would not be feeling vulnerable.

Many women who have gone part time don't get promoted. Taking time out with your DC now might mean less time or accommodation to spend time with dgc in future. However you might never have dgc or you might stay with DP all your life and then you will have sacrificed precious time with DC.

If you want to renegotiate finances the time to do it would be if your DP wants to TTC dc2. That would increase your risk and increase the chance of dgc. If DP is not really interested in dc2 then I would not push for dc2 in your circumstances.

This is very good to point out.

significantly more schools have a breakfast club than have after school provision (that is reliable). It is easy to drop off at 7.30 on the way to work, flexible working is need to collect at 3pm.

Worst case scenario. You split up,

1. you're part time, or training, or just qualified = low income.
2. you'll come out of the relationship with 50% equity in the house = enough to buy a house?
3. Agree 50/50 parenting (so no maintenance from him)

So very limited ability to buy your own home and afford to run it.

I think your pension is the least of your worries!

In your shoes I'd be going back full time and creating financial independence. He certainly is!

The not lovely thing, I’m not sure how to express or digest it in an anon forum. I totally get what you’re saying, I guess I’m processing it myself too. He IS lovely and a good dad but sure, the reason for not marrying is understandably devastating in some ways. I am not even sure how to respond when he says this, knowing this is how he feels about me. Aside from this, the relationship feels great and supportive. It’s just this lingering understanding that he is worried I’ll eventually divorce him and try to take all his money?

I know from experience that taking time out when DC are small is rarely recoverable. I've done well but I would have done so much better if I'd been able to work full time throughout.

At least you know where you stand. He's seeing himself as a solo unit and so should you

For a start you need to be solely focussed on protecting yourself. He is not protecting you whilst things are going well so he certainly won't when things are not

You need as much money and resources as possible.

Things do not get easier once DC are in school because you have to juggle care over the holidays or take time off

It is good you know now so you are not sleepwalking into an unrecoverable situation later on

He wants to protect his assets above protecting you. I don’t think I could continue this relationship.

Definitely go back to work full time. You have to look out for yourself, because he certainly isn’t looking out for you.

In the words of Professor Sybil Trelawney, ‘I’m afraid you are in grave danger’.

Get married and get into full time work.

I think at the least you should discuss pensions and he should top up while you're not earning.

And maybe get something in writing that if you split up you'll get 60/40 of house, for example, as his higher earnings will allow him a higher standard of living than you in future which isn't fair as you've taken the hit now.

I would add, that I'm married, getting divorced, and my ex wants a 50/50 split despite earning way more than me. It's not the magical protection that everyone makes it out to be!