Not married parent, am I bonkers to be part time?

[Daisygivemeyouranswerdo]

I am hoping for some advice regarding finances and future planning as an unmarried but partnered mum.

Currently, I’m working PT since returning from mat leave last year. My partner and I of 10+ years own a home together but are not married and likely will never be (he doesn’t want to get married, has said he basically wants to protect his own assets. This isn’t a guess. He has said this but I think instantly regretted letting me know it)

He’s a lovely man and a great dad but I know I am in a tricky situation financially both short and long term. He is the higher earner and likely will be as his industry prints money.

I don’t want to be FT again until my LO is in school, a couple of years away. I know lots of people will say to go FT again immediately (or LTB, having cake and eating cake etc) but I won’t give up this short time with my LO when school is only a few years away and I have many years ahead until I’ll need to pull a pension, if we can afford it. I plan to head up the career ladder and possibly retrain into a higher paying industry to boost my income and essentially (DP has suggested I do this and will support me financially doing it) be able to provide for myself and my child long term. Could I hear any positive stories about this if this is your experience please?

Am I being unreasonable to be panicking about this now? I have a long career ahead of me right? to help boost my own savings? I can enjoy these few years with LO without financial worry (all being well…)?

Currently DP pays for most things for our household which allows me to save. So does he but think £300 (mine) compared to 3k (his) so we are totally out of balance in that. I know I cannot rely on him aside from this and the marriage thing has been an eye opener of course and that he wants all the benefits of a wife without any of the risk of a wife. He knows about the inheritance tax issue and does not see this as a reason to protect either of us by getting married. I would not want a wedding but would be happy to be legally married - not so much for romance (I do love him very much) but the financial security and avoidance of IT. I now know that no matter what, I need to plan for my child and I to be left high and dry. Day to day this isn’t his character (generous generally but a saver) but clearly, it’s something my DP thinks about and I need to, too.

An ultimatum not an option, I’ve no interest in marrying a reluctant husband 😂

Its fine not to marry. But it means you need to look carefully at things that automatically happen (under the law) when you are married. So he should give you money to pay into your pension, (if you were married you'd inherit his pension on death), life insurance etc because you 'work' for the home. Look at your income and assets in terms of separate pots - but make sure he pays towards the home element (and you) - your role as housekeeper, cook, cleaner, driver, nanny, gardener,- all comes with a time and wage cost. If you were working someone would need to be paid (with tax on top) to do those jobs. ITs a full time wage. Then there is the career 'set back'. Perhaps he pays for a training course / distance or online for you do do while you're stay at home/part time. Then big issue is your will. What happens on death (of either/both of you) and how this affects your child. you and your child may not be first in line under the intestacy rules. You need a will (and statement about care if you both die)- otherwise your child may be in trouble. Its a hard conversation, but if one of you dies (or you separate) and you are not prepared - its so much worse to deal with. Go to an IFA and get a will drafted. Xx

It's not magical, no. It doesn't need to be magical to be better protection for most women than cohabiting and having DC without being married.

Because even if your ex gets that 50/50 split they want, which is by no means a guarantee, that's still more than OP stands to get in the event of a split here. She'd get her share of the house, which could be less than 50% anyway as she's not mentioned how they jointly own it. She'd have no access to the savings or pension that DP is building up partially on the basis of her providing childcare. These things are all automatically up for grabs when a couple divorce, whereas for a cohabitant getting a share of the other partner's assets would require an expensive and often legally complicated TOLATA claim.

Plan what you would need if the worse case scenario happened. A friend of my parents transferred his house into his son's name and on his death the son kicked the mother out. Don't leave your financial security in the hands of this man.

The problem is, you have no bartering power. You're having to ask and beg this man for things that would be yours if you were married... security etc.

It's your choice, you take the 'luxury' of spending extra time with your child above your financial security. It's a gamble, and not one I would personally be willing to take.

I’m asking sincerely, have you had children and worked PT / FT? Are you married?

Are you able to sit down and tell him how this has made you feel insecure? How you're concerned about your pension and that it's wrongfooted you regarding how he feels about you?
I'd be really worried OP, and I say that as someone who was financially ripped off for years and didn't see it because my ex, too, was lovely. Except he was only lovely when I was useful to him, caring for our kids and doing the vast majority of the housework.

I hadn’t thought about discussing revising the split on the house to a more ‘equal’ footing should we split. My life would change drastically financially, DP would be able to maintain.

I have had married friends / family who have not had great experiences financially around divorce.

I guess financially it DOES make sense for him not to marry me. Just like it makes sense for me TO marry him.

You're seeing life without any curve balls. Problems arise if you split up or if life complications happen, like your child ends up having SEN or you get sick or disabled or become a carer for your child or a parent, or he stops doing any real parenting and everything falls to you. It's not just the time out while they're young, it's also all those other things in life that can turn that loss of income into a long term issue.

This is early days yet in a potentially lifelong relationship and he is already telling you where you stand financially if problems arise. The fact he won't pay into a pension for you is a big red flag. Currenttly he's happy to pay for the majority of everything, but my ex was like that too back then, now he hides income to minimise maintenance. He also regularly cancel contact at the last minute, leave all the parenting up to me, and doesn't think he should have to pay for anything child related. Even in the worst times i never imagined he would be that man. So yes 5 years out probably isn't a big deal, if life is smooth and plain sailing and it might be fine, but you're betting on a man who is already thinking in terms of ways of keeping his assets 'safe' from you.

I chose to go back FT and it really paid off when we decided to separate before eldest started school. I was able to get the mortgage transferred under my name only and remove him from the deeds.

He has the right not to want to marry for whichever reason. You need to protect yourself and going FT is really the way to go however much you wish to spend more time with your child.

These are all very good reasons not to have any more DC in this situation.

Very sad...if you were my daughter. Does he see you as a high maintenance, money wasting partner? Children are expensive if you rely on very patchy and expensive formal child care ....especially around school hours and term times...don't miss that stress. Just hope his head isn't turned ...you are on shaky ground. Protect your child if not yourself.

What does he would rather you did? Be at home and not have to pay half nursery fees or you being back at work FT and pay towards your own pension?

Absolutely horrible message you are getting from him. So if you get sick / old / boring he meets someone sexier who will have him he can just bail consequence free. Eurgh.

I worked with a family solicitor who had 3 children in an unmarried relationship. He just dumped her when the youngest about 4. Everyone agree how odious he was. I was only about 23 at the time and was horrified. A university friend refused to live with any boyfriend until they were engaged and church booked. We scoffed but actually she was bang on.

I do agree with this and I’ll forever be banging the drum that if women want marriage/a family they need to get married BEFORE having a child. It was a complete non-negotiable for me there was just no way I was going to have a child with a man who wasn’t willing to put his money where his mouth is and marry me.

Does your child have his surname OP? It sounds like he has everything he wants all on his terms and now the luxury of a part time partner to do more housework without any financial impact on him!

Doesn't sound great to be honest.

I moved in with my partner years ago and we are not married.

We have both made wills, which states clearly who gets what, asset wise, otherwise i wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

The house comes to me ( then to the 4 children and they split the funds equally once I'm gone).

Partners pension fund also comes to me also ( forms signed).

What does he mean, protect his own assets? You and your child are part of this now, surely?

I have 🙋‍♀️.
I’m married and have a 5yr old. Took a year’s mat leave that was funded through savings and keeping back some of the funds from the sale of our house (in other words, it was jointly funded). I then worked 4 days a week in a new, less demanding job for 2.5yrs before going back to full time at a new, more demanding job that also paid more than double. I would not have been able to maintain my earning potential had I worked less than 4 days a week or stayed at home.

I do not expect to ever get divorced but if I did, I could support myself and my child. Plan for the worst, hope for the best. Self sufficiency is something that my mother drilled into me from the age of 8 when she left my dad with 4 children and not a penny to her name.

Dh and I both felt strongly that we were a team we have each others backs he wanted to support and protect me and our young children that I could look after while he earned. Wouldn’t have occurred to him to do otherwise. If the man doesn’t feel that when you building your life and having children that invariably leaves one of you compromised frankly it’s best just to go no further. Sorry that doesn’t help op.

Well if I was him I’d agree
You’re wanting the benefit of part time working now, with him to essentially pay for vast majority of things without you having to worry about it, but then want to marry to ensure that should you split you get to keep at least half of it…. And why should you get higher share of a house you’re not paying anywhere near the amount he is? You already get 50% if you’re joint tenants.

having a child shouldn’t mean a meal ticket

absolutely why higher earners should never marry

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/#:~:text=Your%20legal%20rights%20as%20a,than%20if%20you're%20married.

Realistically, what do other women's circumstances have to do with your situation? That poster isn't wrong about your lack of bartering power. It doesn't matter whether she herself has more of it than you do, and doubtless some of us who are advising you here are in less vulnerable positions.

The reality is that you're in a vulnerable position, as you've correctly identified. Other women have trodden that path before you. For some of them it will have worked out fine, others will have been badly bitten. Nobody knows which category you're going to fall into.

This is such bollocks. She is caring for their child! I really feel for you for lacking empathy in such a cold-hearted way. Horrible post to write to someone who's clearly not OK with the situation. Hope you feel good about yourself.

Wills and pension forms can be changed in the blink of an eye without your knowledge - please be careful!

The ship has sailed, hasn't it. You had a child before being married so there's very little you can do about it now. Don't have any more children, though, as that will put you in an even more vulnerable position. Make sure you are using reliable contraception.

Do you both have wills? As an absolute minimum he needs to make a will naming you as beneficiary. If he doesn't want to do that, and instead wants to leave everything to your child in trust, you'll know what he really thinks of you.

The problem is that a will doesn't protect you in the event of separation, of course. You'd get child maintenance if you were the resident parent. But no share in his savings or pension.

Perhaps you could find out how much a nanny would charge and ask him to pay that much into your savings or pension?

I think you should prioritise your earning potential and retrain ASAP if he will support you to do so and if it means increasing your earning potential.

I can understand wanting to stay part-time but don't go less than 80% and don't go for lower paying jobs just because they're flexible or convenient. You don't have that luxury.

It’s very different if you are building a family together though. Raising children is tough and time consuming. If there are no children or they are older I would agree with milly but that literal very masculine view is essentially misogynistic as it ignores the valuable input of the default parent (usually a woman but not always). That’s what marriage is designed to recognise and protect.

I think you should prioritise your earning potential and retrain ASAP if he will support you to do so and if it means increasing your earning potential.

I definitely agree. Make hay while the sun shines. You might be able to do it part time even, so it might not make much practical difference to you whether you're spending time away from your DC to work or retrain. The risks involved would be no higher now than they will be when your DC is 5.