To take my toddler to a psychologist

[Whyisitsosohard]

I acknowledge my 2.5 YO is what most MN users would consider naughty but everyone I speak to in real life says her behaviour is typical for a toddler. My biggest concerns are her hitting (me, her sister, the pets) and bedtime refusal.

She doesn't nap and is exhausted by 7 but she shouts and screams every time we try and leave the room. We've had the same routine since birth. Invariably I lose my temper after 12 hours of being shouted no at.

We struggle to implement consequences because there's nothing she cares about us taking away (tv, toys etc). We explain every time why hitting is wrong or why she needs sleep. Her communication is excellent so I don't think that's what's frustrating her. We praise good behaviour all the time so it's not as if we're always telling her off.

Nothing has changed recently and nursery haven't said they have any specific issues but always refer to her as headstrong, spirited etc so I'm sure they also find her a PITA at times. I want her to grow up to be a kind person but I'm scared she's walking all over us.

My therapist is also qualified in child psychology and has offered a joint session. Aibu to accept?

Things are NOT out of control. I would believe those saying that likely had easy going kids. This all sounds very normal in my experience and I had friends with similar kids.

Is your therapist BACP-registered, OP?

‘Qualified in child psychology’ doesn’t actually mean the person has any formal professional qualifications in psychology. ‘Child psychologist’ is not a protected title and the unscrupulous can and do exploit this for financial gains. You could be talking about a weekend hobby course, niche approach course, a few terms of GCSE level study at the local further college. I would be very wary about anyone selling a ‘joint session’ with a toddler as a therapeutic approach.

The OP is overseas.

The therapist sounds very dodgy to me.

Thank you. So again for the poster who asked I absolutely do ask her questions like why she doesn't want to go to bed or why she hit her sister and she'll just say because I did or because I don't. I read that they don't get why questions so I do ask "do you like it if people hit you" and she'll say no for instance but it doesn't change her behaviour.

We have the emotions smileys and I ask which one are you? Mummy? Daddy etc. We've watched sesame st clips on kindness and bullies. She doesn't just parrot things back to you, she's really bright. She's obsessed with pointing out when people like Peppa and George aren't sharing for example.

There's different qualifications here but she regularly treats children who are experiencing domestic violence and other serious trauma issues. I do trust her. But ultimately as others have said the session is for me not my daughter. I'm not looking for an assessment for her behaviour because I don't think there's anything wrong or particularly unusual with her, I just want some suggestions on how I can parent better.

If you were trying to learn a skill using the same method for over two years and you hadn’t managed to learn it then I would suggest trying a different method.
Just because you have been consistent doesn’t mean it is the right method you are using.
For Instance one of my kids is asd/adhd and has always had problems with impulsive behaviour and issues sleeping. I had many, many routines/tricks up my sleeve and had to change them on a regular basis. Sticking to one routine that wasn’t working simply wouldn’t have worked.
I also disagree with the whole ‘gentle parenting’ idea and that ‘disciplining a child is abuse’. I never smacked or hit my children but I did have firm boundaries that I held them too. Children need structure and routine but they need the right structure and routine and boundaries that they learn to understand.

It’s all normal OP. Children of that age hit because they can’t control their emotions. You need to work a little on starting emotion regulation, deep breathing, using words etc. or starjumps when they’re angry. They just need to get that negative energy out. There is nothing wrong with your child, it’s all normal.

I had friends with children who regularly bit or who had to stop going to groups because their kids wouldn’t stop hitting. They all grow out of it and become decent children, they just need some support in getting to that stage.

A child psychologist is not your answer. You’re looking for someone to “fix” an issue which isn’t there. It takes hard work but lots of little ones go through this stage and you just have to keep working with it.

To you she seems big and surely capable of rational behaviour compared to your helpless baby but she is not. She’s actually tiny. When DD2 gets to 2.5 you’ll realise how tiny 2.5 is. That said, you admit

• That you are inconsistent
• That you refuse to stay with her. This is very normal even in older children. If this gets her to sleep why not do it.
• She just had her life turned upside down
• She doesn’t nap. Neither of mine napped past 2.5. We just needed quiet time in the evenings. I know you said she needs more and more stimulation but some kids look like that but they need a sensory cut off. But can’t express it.
• The hitting is attention seeking. If you make a big drama of it she will do it more. Just give her a ‘look’, or say ‘stop it’ or just ‘no’ remove her sister or yourself and use a stern voice with her for a bit. If you punish her and she refuses and it’s a whole new drama then it’s a never ending cycle. If she does it at soft play, just leave without much fuss or drama and say ‘that was wrong we are leaving’ and then don’t engage with the fuss that follows. Have a ‘oh this is boring’ approach to it rather than a ‘my daughter is going to be a psychopath and I need to go in all guns blazing’ approach. The attention seeking thing is natural. I noticed that when my 12 year old comes home from school, and I want to debrief him about his day, the 7 year old always uses that precise moment to do something daft. Which then derails that conversation. Even though he’s had me to himself for the previous 45 mins. So I have pointed this out to him. And now I remind him to go and sit in X place with a book/snack while I talk to his brother and then lots of praise for it.

This all sounds very intense for a 2yo.

Can I please ask again about how you were parented?

You are speaking very negatively about your child, you ascribe intent to her, you are asking her questions far beyond her understanding.

I think you need to stop and regroup.

Is it possible that fear of being a bad parent is pushing you to need your child to behave very well?

I was parented well but probably a little passively, I'm the youngest with a big age gap and my parents left me to it. According to them I was very good at entertaining myself, went along with what the family was doing and was very calm. Who knows if that's rose tinted glasses.

If she is seeing you then she is not a child psychologist. I think this might be more about you - more about the reason you are seeing a psychologist.

I'm seeing her because I have anxiety. I'm not ashamed of that.

It will be. According to my MIL all her children went to be at 6.30 and slept through from 6 weeks and had no issues with any behaviours. I have heard the stories from my DH and his siblings, I doubt this! My mother admits she can’t remember a lot. So many older people say their children had no issues but commonly they forget the bad stuff.

There is nothing wrong with your daughter. You’ve got some good advice on this thread about consistency and how to support your daughter. Take a breath and try a new approach. You don’t need a psychologist, you just need to adjust your parenting approach.

OP, honestly, you're not raising a child who is horrible on purpose. You're raising a toddler going through a tricky (but normal) phase.

If she was older and still hitting it would be different.

Hi. One of the things you mentioned in your post was she hates you leaving the room at bedtime. I know this may take more time but have you considered staying with her until she falls asleep. My child is very headstrong but really needs this comfort and would be very upset if I tried to leave her room whilst she was awake. I just mention this as it sounds like bedtime has turned into a big battle and I wonder if you could flip that on it’s head whether it would help calm everything else down. We did bath, story in bed and then cuddle to sleep with music (an audio book now she is older). The routine meant that the cuddles became a sleep cue and she did fall asleep easily.

And as I said earlier, with bedtime you might find there is an issue such as shes scared or she wants longer to connect with you.

Try to avoid the opportunity for her to say no.
Eg. Don’t say “let’s brush your hair and get your shoes”
say “would you like to either brush your hair or get your shoes?”
two clear choices, she gets some sort of control but is still achieving what you need to do. Only ever two choices.
Never ask vague overwhelming questions like “what would you like to eat..” instead give two clear choices. Would you like beans or pasta? You have already decided what she is eating but gets a very simple easy choice so she still feels control.

*I've got to be honest I think that book and most of the gentle parenting techniques do fuck all.

Thats because your toddler needs a different approach.

As she’s such a whirlwind and obviously gets plenty of running about - I think she needs to be taught to be calm and still.

You go send her to a yoga class for example - the other ring you could try is a weighted blanket or jacket - they work.

My eldest is very very strong willed, and my youngest has adhd (and still hits often at 6) so I completely empathise.

Getting my sons diagnosis is something which has really helped me get to a place where I could just accept that this is part of who the kids are at this age and stage. That doesn’t mean I don’t try and improve things! but it has meant that I’m more able to look at what I need to make this easier, rather than looking at what I’m doing wrong. I wish I had seen things like that when my eldest was smaller!

So, on that basis I think that you need a night away to catch up on sleep, to take turns on night wakings with your partner, some time with your friends without the kids, for your partner to be in charge of bedtime on the days you’re home all day with the kids, and a solution for some exercise or chill time on a couple of days a week (gym with a crèche? Family member for an hour whilst you do a walk? Coffee with a friend on nursery day whilst baby naps?)

It won’t improve the behaviour but it’ll make everything feel easier!

Please feel free to ignore, I could be anyone.

Your paragraph says the reason you received passive parenting was your good behaviour. This is not correct. Your parents chose their parenting style and you the child responded to that.

Have you done any work with your counselor about your upbringing?

I think you need to look at the way you ascribe intent to your very young child. Easy to be an analyst online, but your parents tell you you were able to be good from a very young age, so they got to do 'easy' parenting. Your DD is, perhaps to you, not choosing the right thing, making parenting harder for you.

But neither you nor your DD could choose whether to be 'easy' at that age. So your parents either ignored you when they shouldn't have, or got very lucky your needs didn't butt up against their parenting style.

I don't think your child needs a psychologist.

No one can rule out ND, but what you describe is common amongst toddlers.

I haven't wanted to skew the responses but I will acknowledge ADHD is a possibility. My husband has it and was diagnosed as a child but never medicated. His school insisted his parents take him to a child psychologist because he was so "naughty" and incapable of being still.

I don't want to treat my daughter the same way so I never chastise her for needing a lot of stimulation. I just get on with it and let her lead. But yes of course it's exhausting.

We can go to the park, soft play, for a swim and the shops in one morning and she'll still be chomping at the bit to get out. We do yoga together, she loves it. She loves anything where she's moving.

I've got a weighted blanket I'll try, thanks for the suggestion.

OP your toddler sound very like my now 9yo was at that age Unless people have experienced it they won't understand. I have a now 6yo that was a doddle as a 2yo - completely different. I think my 9yo has adhd and an looking into assessment as we are now seeing lots of daydreaming during school and lots of forgeting/ losing things.

Sleep was a big issue for us and her behaviour was always difficult when tired. She used to wake at 4am for the day 🫠 and be on the go and refusing naps from 2pm. By 4pm she was wired and you had to watch for a window to get her to sleep or she would go seriously hyperactive and take hours to calm down.

Instead of naps we did downtime, quite time and tv was often what she needed to sort of zone out, something familiar and low stimulation with a drink of milk car journeys were also great downtime where she would stare our of the window. These things worked ( and still work) for her. We got a tonie box ( audiobook player) when she was older and that would have worked brilliantly had we known about them earlier.

We also found getting the right level of activity/ stimulation was key - too little she was bored and would get up o mischief, too much would push her over emotionally. our day was planned around what she needed.

We did loads and loads of work on feelings - readings, feelings charts. She still uses them now and they help ground her. This has helped her so much be able to express what's she feeling.

Some of these improvements have only come with age and 2.5yo was the hardest time by far for us, so it does get better!

I work with children and tbh there is a huge variety of normal behaviour. My best advice is looking after yourself - making sure you get breaks and have time. Talk to others about your child's behaviour eg nursery and what they are seeing how to talk so kids will listen book is great so I'm sure the little kids version is good too.

Now 9yo is funny, full of energy and drive and excelling at school and I do not miss the baby and toddler years with her one bit as they were brutal!

So many people will give you advice (which works for their child) and think you are doing something wrong. Your not - your child is different to theirs,you have to work out what works for them. Good luck to you!

When mine were that age and nap dropping I was advised to try a super early bedtime. So get ready 5:30pm and in bed lights out at 6:00pm. Amazingly it worked & mine slept right through til morning, sometimes for 14 hours straight. Once they get to the point of being overtired they struggle to unwind and can then take ages to go to sleep so you have to catch them well before that point.

Once we managed a good solid catch up sleep, we then settled into a pattern of just having a nap every 3-4 days, but it would start much later at say 2pm so on those days DC would go to bed much later (say 8-8:30 rather than 7). We accepted that as a temporary measure as a trade off for well rested DC.