To take my toddler to a psychologist

[Whyisitsosohard]

I acknowledge my 2.5 YO is what most MN users would consider naughty but everyone I speak to in real life says her behaviour is typical for a toddler. My biggest concerns are her hitting (me, her sister, the pets) and bedtime refusal.

She doesn't nap and is exhausted by 7 but she shouts and screams every time we try and leave the room. We've had the same routine since birth. Invariably I lose my temper after 12 hours of being shouted no at.

We struggle to implement consequences because there's nothing she cares about us taking away (tv, toys etc). We explain every time why hitting is wrong or why she needs sleep. Her communication is excellent so I don't think that's what's frustrating her. We praise good behaviour all the time so it's not as if we're always telling her off.

Nothing has changed recently and nursery haven't said they have any specific issues but always refer to her as headstrong, spirited etc so I'm sure they also find her a PITA at times. I want her to grow up to be a kind person but I'm scared she's walking all over us.

My therapist is also qualified in child psychology and has offered a joint session. Aibu to accept?

I wouldn't advise ignoring it - didn't say that. I would advise not removing stickers she already earned and just watch your phrasing.

My hitter is a perfectly non aggressive lovely man who gets on well with the little brother he terrorized (who now stands 5 inches taller than him!)

Tough phase! Breathe and power through it. Does she have any age appropriate chores? E.g. get her own plate and cups, set the table with knife and fork for everyone. Deliver breakfast items to the table? That kind of stuff? Even helping with cleaning a little bit?

It might help her feel more grown up. You say her communication is excellent but I find most kids that age can parrot back what they've been told but their impulse control isn't there yet. The feelings are so overwhelming for them. So it is a constant challenge/ dance to keep on top of it until the behaviour goes away.

Extra nursery days if you can afford it, or split with a childminder? Our son is in 8-6 5 days a week and is similar "headstrong and spirited".

I don't think she needs a psychologist but if it helps you then it won't do any harm. She's 2 and a half not 5. She just sounds reactive, my dd was like that and is quite emotional, lots of flouncing off, door slamming, reacting to things. She just needs your help learning to calm down and self regulate.

Some of the advice on here is excellent. I've got a DD who sounds similar. I remember when people would say that boys were hard work and I just found it infuriating as they had no idea what it was like raising my DD. I've since had a DS who is a breeze in comparison (by the way, I'm not suggesting it's gendered - just my experience).
I just wanted to point out some positives about having a strong willed DD as those early years are so hard and parenting them feels impossible.
She's still full on in a lot of ways - but she's also hilarious, makes friends easily a still very, very strong willed. The good thing I've discovered about this (which was really tough when she was little) is that she doesn't just go with the crowd if she doesn't want to. She always speaks up for herself and her friends and senses injustice strongly. Small things - like we were at the hairdressers recent and her hairdresser was pulling the brush quite roughly through her hair. I would have kept quiet but she quickly pointed out that it hurt. Large things - organising clean ups in the local park by herself.
She is also determined in a way that I don't recognise in myself. If she struggles with homework for example she keeps at it until she's got it right.
Stick in there - these DDs have lots of amazing attributes!

Are you american?

My (very spirited, opinionated) 3yo did this for a couple of months a while ago, now 6 months later he's fine with bedtime and doesn't put up a fight anymore. Sounds like she's just testing the boundary to see if either of you will cave and do something differently. I would try to avoid losing your temper as toddlers find that "interesting" and will continue with the behaviour to try to understand your reaction. If you can just calmly say "it's bedtime" and take her back to bed consistently without getting annoyed (easier said than done I know!!) eventually it won't be interesting anymore. .

Mine was similar, calmed down around 7 years and then diagnosed ASD aged 14

Btw my mum gave me just one piece of parenting advice - never threaten anything you are not prepared to carry out. It's much better to threaten a five minute iPad confiscation and actually do it, than no iPad for a week and then give it back after 5 days. Otherwise you lose your credibility.

If it helps to know, I have older children and looking at them and their friends who we’ve known since toddlerhood, there is generally little resemblance between what they’re like as toddlers and as older children. It’s easy to panic that patterns are being set in stone for the future, but children change so much as they grow up. One friend’s daughter was a whirlwind of mischief aged 2 - I vividly remember babysitting her at our house for a day and being totally shattered, she was constantly yelling, hitting, climbing things, throwing things… aged 11 she’s now a quiet, happy girl who’s doing well at school. My son has always been fairly laid back but he had an awful phase of biting his sister aged 2. He’s 10 now and definitely wouldn’t dream of biting anyone, and he and his sister are very close. I really struggled with my daughter as a baby/toddler; she hardly slept, never napped, had a meltdown every time I said ‘no’ and spent a lot of time screaming. As she got older we realised she’s autistic, and I’m glad that we took the gentle approach (I carried her everywhere in a sling, even up to the age of 4/5, she often slept in our bed, went to bed only when obviously tired (10 pm most of the time) we never did the ‘naughty step’ or sticker charts etc etc). She’s 13 now and we have a great bond, she’s affectionate, thoughtful and doing amazingly at school (and still goes to bed at 10pm - that has never changed!). The best advice I ever read was that discipline isn’t about controlling your child, it’s about teaching them to control their own impulses. It’s a long process, and there will be ups and downs along the way. Hitting is communicating - anger/jealousy/needing attention. See if you can work out what’s behind it and pre-empt as much as you can - try giving her your positive, undivided attention for 20 minutes in the morning before doing anything else (no phone, no chores, just cuddle her, chat to her, be totally present, give her your undivided attention). When she hits, try to stay calm, tell her it hurts and you won’t allow her to do it, show her ways to redirect her feelings (use words, hit a cushion etc). It’s a phase (if a trying one) and will pass.

I think a joint visit with your therapist is a really good idea. If needed she will hopefully be able to signpost you for more help.

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job.
How is she when with the grandparents?

This is really good advice.

My toddler was the same. I (naively) thought she must be neurotypical as she seemed to be in her own world and I was desperate for strategies that would work for her. Then suddenly at 3.5years she seemed to mellow and be soooo much easier. Even nursery have commented that she’s so much sweeter now.

My now 6yo was a head strong 2yo. He wouldn’t nap either but was exhausted by 5pm. I used to do quiet time on the sofa after lunch - tv (something gentle like Bing or Sarah and Duck) and a cuddle with the blanket. Most of the time he fell asleep. The rest of the time I fell asleep. Also used to lie on the floor of his room while he fell asleep at night. It was the early days of the pandemic and I think he knew something else was going on and needed that reassurance. He’s still headstrong but not naughty anymore. I wouldn’t worry too much - they are learning coping strategies at this age and just want you close by.

I am pro-psychotherapy, but kindly, she sounds like a normal child going through her terrible twos phase. It’s understandable to think something must be wrong as she is your first. A few things I can recommend:

• The book “Hands are Not for Hitting”. You could read it every night, then you can repeat the mantras as needed.
• The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry. I always recommend this one. I read it during a particularly hard terrible twos during the pandemic (we thought we had broken our child - the tantrums were wild). I now have a perfectly normal and lovely six year old.

It does pass 💐

Oh also - at 2.5, dropping naps is normal. They are gone. No point fighting for them
and stressing yourself. Move bedtimes earlier if needed, but naps? You gotta make like Elsa I’m afraid.

Thank you. I know I sound fed up. It's honestly just because I really care. This is the hardest job I've ever done but by far the most important. I really appreciate everyone giving up their valuable time to give advice. Also no I'm not American but I do live overseas.

Hi OP, apologies if someone has suggested it, but I work in child mental health and I would advise you to contact your local authority’s early help for programs to help you with how you respond to your child. A psychologist cannot work directly with a two year old.
Also, try not to worry, it sounds like you are doing lots of things right already!!!

It might not be a bad idea. Things seem to be way out of control at the moment. But she doesn't sound like a very happy child. I agree that it's probably your approach needs to be changed. Those super nanny programmes are a real eye opener.

You say a toddler is time wasting??? By asking for things? Your imposing punishments on a toddler? Not sure it's the toddler that's the problem here. Going through the terrible twos is difficult but you will get there.

All sounds normal OP. She is trying to exert control, that’s what they do because they get so little of it. Children also tend to respond better with boundaries, so take a look at yours. What’s her routine like? I’ve heard amazing things about the book someone else recommended ‘How to Talk so Little Kids will listen’ so definitely check it out. Make sure you’re giving her choices within reason (around snack options or clothing options).

It’s hard being in the trenches but you don’t need a psychologist. I had a very smart one who was rebellious, they’re hard work but it doesn’t mean something is wrong with them. X

She doesn't need a child psychologist at this stage. It is dangerous to pathologise normal child behaviour.

You need to work out when you're going to let it wash and when you need to enforce a boundary.

I'd pick my battles carefully. She's 2.5.

You say you are in therapy - were you parented well yourself?

For the poster that asked, she's similar with grandparents but she wouldn't hit them. My plan is to do a course on the circle of security.

My issue is echoed here though. Some posters say it's clear things are out of control, others saying it's totally normal. I also flip between the two.

The last two words of this are your issue: on purpose.

Your child is TWO. Nothing she does is on purpose. You need to read much more about child development I think.

I also feel your therapist is unethical to suggest seeing your child. So take care.

The other thing about bedtime is is find out if anything else is going on - is she scared? You can find out a surprising amount by asking them questions. Why don’t you want to go to bed for example. Often it’s just they’re scared of missing out, but it may be that she is frightened of something.

I think you’re expecting a lot from a 2.5 year old. It won’t harm to have a joint session I suppose. But I suspect if you changed your approach and expectations you’d have an easier time. It’s really difficult when they still need a nap but won’t nap. Im going through the same now with my DS of the same age. My older DS was alot more of a handful at this age - I had my second too and he used to hit him as a baby for attention. It did all settle down and he’s still highly strung but he is developing emotionally with age.