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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think teenage girls are not very nice! (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

110 replies

KitKatrunchie · 18/11/2023 00:19

So fed up off my dd being excluded one week included the next! Is this normal ?
I feel so up and down
on the other hand there’s a part of me that thinks maybe my dd does it to others too? I do recall the girl that’s excluding her right now telling her she felt excluded a few weeks ago!

please tell me the teenage years work out ok. My head hurts from all the thinking

OP posts:
Indoorcatmum · 18/11/2023 01:45

Using that word to refer to young girls is misogynistic. So YABU just for that.

Secondly, having and losing friends is a part of life at all ages.
They all do it and with added hormones things will feel heightened and the end of the world

The best thing you can do is validate her feelings but not feed the drama and have a balanced view.

Somewhereoverthersinbowweighapie · 18/11/2023 01:48

Unfortunately mean girl behaviour is common. Not every teen is a jerk, your DD just has to find new friends

Xenis · 18/11/2023 01:48

They are indeed terrible. But, its a huge learning curve for them. I always try and stay out of my daughter's friendships and let her navigate them herself. I would get involved if it went too far though.

I blame alot of this on social media to be honest. I'm only 16 years older than my daughter (young mum) and its so different to when I was in school. There's alot of pressure on young girls now.

HuckleberryJam · 18/11/2023 01:50

All teenage girls aren't bitches, so your dd needs to find some nicer friends and drop these girls. If there are no nice girls you are extremely unlucky with the school and should try and move to another school.

Precipice · 18/11/2023 01:51

YABU to use this dehumanising and misogynistic language. What does use of this word gain you that wouldn't be accomplished by asking whether others think that as a group, teenage girls are unpleasant?

Your DD is also a teenage girl. Do you think she's unpleasant? Would you really be happy to have her described using such language? Perhaps so, since you're happy to use the word and consider she might have acted similarly as those you use it for.

Can't they just fall out? You might not argue with your friends, but you're not seeing them for hours every day, and you're not a teenager with rushing hormones.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 18/11/2023 01:56

Agree with pp, awful language. My teenage nieces are lovely.

EnoughIsay · 18/11/2023 01:59

They are together 24/7.

Actually together in school and then on social at home.

They never get a break from each other.

If we, the parents, don't take leadership and the heat by making them shut off , they have not much hope of good relations. Nobody could withstand that.

However, knowing a lot of teenage girls I do not accept your premise.

The ones I know are lovely. Sure, there is a to and fro but, by and large, all very reasonable.

LadyEdithCrawley · 18/11/2023 02:11

Suspect your daughter is in one of those friendship groups where jealousy is rife and they are competitive. I think it’s a reflection on the type of people your daughter is surrounding herself with and possibly alike.

DisenchantedOwl · 18/11/2023 02:14

Nothing wrong with the word "bitches", as long as the criticism is deserved. Like all swear words aimed at someone it's meant to be insulting. Some are more often directed at men eg bastard, dickhead, and oddly, cunt. Women (or sometimes gay men) tend to get called a bitch. And some of them are so it's warranted.

I have to say I found the primary aged children, much nastier than the teens when I was growing up. But some girls do seem have the ability to be very nasty, yes bitchy, all the way through their lives. They like to get in there and really twist the knife. They also tend to be more "emotional" (as in offence is taken easily and they fall in and out with each other constantly) and up and down with friends. I know a group of women who are still like it now. Constantly falling out with each other over some imagined slight.

I find boys/men tend to be more straight forward with their insults and more straightforward with friends. They can of course be knobs in plenty of other ways but don't tend to be bitchy ime.

I was bullied horribly at school. Although that was by both boys and girls. The stuff from the girls was WAY worse and it's affected my ability to trust women into adulthood. It's the toing and froing with affection/friendship that can leave you feeling not likeable or lovable and damages your mental health.

This is bullying OP and should be treated as such. Your daughter should try to find other friends that won't treat her like that. I know my nieces for example who are teens would not behave like that so they are out there.

HuckleberryJam · 18/11/2023 02:48

My dds are quite kind and tend to hang out with similar girls, so I've known loads of nice, drama free teenage girls throughout their teenage years.

I did notice at primary school that the mums who claimed that ALL girls are bitchy had unkind dds and could be unkind themselves. I guess it was easier to think it was normal and couldnt be helped.

WandaWonder · 18/11/2023 02:52

Your thread title is ridiculous and you know that, if you don't God help your poor child

junbean · 18/11/2023 02:53

It's normal girl stuff, not even just teens- 8-11yo is really bad about this exact scenario. Not all of them are like this, but it's more common than not.

RoundTheBendThenBackAgain · 18/11/2023 03:25

WandaWonder · 18/11/2023 02:52

Your thread title is ridiculous and you know that, if you don't God help your poor child

God help your poor child if you think it's OK to speak to someone like this.

NumberTheory · 18/11/2023 03:45

I hear that it's normal, but it's not anything my teen girls have experienced so I don't think it's inevitable and I really object to the title of your thread.

But it hurts to see your kids hurting, I understand your anger.

Original poster
KitKatrunchie · 18/11/2023 07:02

Yes it absolutely does hurt to see my child hurting to be deliberately excluded and yes in my absolute upset iv come to an adult forum away from child and used that word! Seems some people think that’s the problem that I as an adult used that word
to be clear I wasn’t being mysoginistic or planning on calling them I feel extremely upset for my daughter who has once again had to go through this

OP posts:
pilates · 18/11/2023 07:06

Perhaps encourage your DD to find better friends. True friends don’t make you feel rubbish.

Original poster
KitKatrunchie · 18/11/2023 07:07

That’s what I’m trying to do but it’s seems to go in one ear out the other I know she will eventually move away but it seems the less it works! Iv got a plan to keep her busy today though

OP posts:
Wendyspotatopeeler · 18/11/2023 07:10

It's an unfortunate learning circle we all have to through to find our tribe. These horrible girls are not friends and she needs to drop them and find better friends. My DD went through it and she is a better judge of character for it.

Diah · 18/11/2023 07:15

KitKatrunchie · 18/11/2023 07:02

Yes it absolutely does hurt to see my child hurting to be deliberately excluded and yes in my absolute upset iv come to an adult forum away from child and used that word! Seems some people think that’s the problem that I as an adult used that word
to be clear I wasn’t being mysoginistic or planning on calling them I feel extremely upset for my daughter who has once again had to go through this

It’s not about whether the word should be used in front of children. It’s about the fact that you called my teenage girls (and all teenage girls) bitches. It is a sexist insult and you applied it to all teenage girls, which is also sexist.

My teenage girls and their friends are lovely, and they stay away from those that are not.

Original poster
KitKatrunchie · 18/11/2023 07:35

Wendyspotatopeeler · 18/11/2023 07:10

It's an unfortunate learning circle we all have to through to find our tribe. These horrible girls are not friends and she needs to drop them and find better friends. My DD went through it and she is a better judge of character for it.

I think you are right! She needs these life lessons to get to where she needs to be I guess. It’s so hard seeing her feel like this

OP posts:
Original poster
KitKatrunchie · 18/11/2023 07:37

Xenis · 18/11/2023 01:48

They are indeed terrible. But, its a huge learning curve for them. I always try and stay out of my daughter's friendships and let her navigate them herself. I would get involved if it went too far though.

I blame alot of this on social media to be honest. I'm only 16 years older than my daughter (young mum) and its so different to when I was in school. There's alot of pressure on young girls now.

I have been really trying to stay out but find this difficult. Do you think this really works?

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 18/11/2023 07:38

It's a difficult stage for many. Keeping her busy is a good idea. Remember this is just a short phase of her life even if it's a hard one. Plenty of adults aren't even in touch with their teenage friends.

sollenwir · 18/11/2023 07:39

Teenagers (boys too) can be nasty (please don't use bitchy) - it often seems random, but to their still developing brains, it often seems perfectly logical.

Original poster
KitKatrunchie · 18/11/2023 07:45

WhatNoRaisins · 18/11/2023 07:38

It's a difficult stage for many. Keeping her busy is a good idea. Remember this is just a short phase of her life even if it's a hard one. Plenty of adults aren't even in touch with their teenage friends.

Yes and I guess the more experience she gets the better. I have just worked out that since secondary this will be her third set of friends each time things last longer and get a little better and she usually makes it up and then moves on. I would like her to feel settled but guess this is just teenage life

OP posts:
Original poster
KitKatrunchie · 18/11/2023 07:48

sollenwir · 18/11/2023 07:39

Teenagers (boys too) can be nasty (please don't use bitchy) - it often seems random, but to their still developing brains, it often seems perfectly logical.

My title is just ranty sorry if it offends anyone I guess I wasn’t thinking that deeply into it cos if had a day of it and was venting after keeping my cool
all day. If I had been speaking to a friend I would have said the same but there is no depth to it. It’s just a rant.

iv Been thinking about it and these relationships aren’t the healthiest and I’m hoping she will find her people soon.

OP posts:
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