To think teenage girls are not very nice! (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

[KitKatrunchie]

So fed up off my dd being excluded one week included the next! Is this normal ?
I feel so up and down
on the other hand there’s a part of me that thinks maybe my dd does it to others too? I do recall the girl that’s excluding her right now telling her she felt excluded a few weeks ago!

please tell me the teenage years work out ok. My head hurts from all the thinking

It’s horribly typical, sadly. The best thing you can do is keep telling her that exclusionary behaviour is now acknowledged as a form of bullying and that she should rethink being friends with girls who think it’s okay to bully her. Repeat it and eventually the penny should drop and she’ll see them for what they are. It worked with my teen and now she has a lovely new friendship group, while the Spite Girls as I called them are still stuck in their cycle of being mean to each other.

Encourage her to drop them and make a new circle of friends. Trying to hang out with people that are horrible to you is a form of self harm. They won't change. Their behaviour is not a reflection on her, it's on them. Keep her busy, encourage her to join some clubs, talk and get close to other people.DD is on the other side of this and much happier for it .

From observation ( one ds and one dd) I don’t think girls are nastier or meaner than boys but I think there are a couple of factors that make it seem so. Firstly, girls friendship groups tend to be tighter and more clearly defined so it’s harder for people to drift to another group if the current one isn’t working- this means that those groups continue beyond their natural lifespan. Secondly, teenagers seemingly spend a decade trying to establish a social hierarchy and the terms of that hierarchy are much clearer/ less complex for boys than girls. The criteria for both are equally toxic ( and somewhat school dependent) but at least for boys they’re clear and don’t include endorsement by the opposite sex.

its hard but I think all you can do as a parent is encourage broad and diverse friendships which include non school friendships through sports or other interests. And try to discourage very tight friendship groups that feel very safe when you’re in them but horrible when you’re expelled and have to try to break into another one.

Maybe you should reflect on your casual and knee jerk reaction that women/girls = bitches and consider how that has shaped your dd’s expectations on relationships and acceptance of poor treatment by other girls.

Not that this is a positive thing but I always noticed how my male peers seemed to have the option of having things out with a fistfight and then it being water under the bridge the next day. I mean it's not good but they mostly seemed happier with that system.

Sadly I think it’s a developmental stage. Remember being inexplicably dumped by my friends temporarily at 15 still one of my top 5 worst experiences and I’m nearly 50.

That said my older late teen Dd has largely avoided this as seemed to have a calm group of decent girls.. Sadly my younger one has though and if anything she is the easier personality of the two so can be luck of drawer as to the cohort.

Unfortunately this seems to happen even way past the teenage years. I’ve experienced cliquey, mean women at work, the school gate with other mums, and my DD is currently experiencing it at uni. I read a good book a few years ago called ‘Queen Bees and Wannabes’. I guess we just learn with experience who to trust and in my case I don’t rush into friendships.

Thanks I may try this book!

I really thought we were over the worst as since year 5 at school things got better but think this one has hit quite hard!

I think what dd2 experienced in year 8 has changed her for life. Being utterly betrayed and rejected. She’s upgraded her friends massively and is now incredibly popular but she’s subsequently very very careful which I think is no bad thing.

I’m glad she has upgraded.
I feel like this may turn out better for my dd. The girls who rejected her are actually quite problematic in other areas in terms of what they want to do and what they are allowed to do compared to my dd and I’m thinking maybe it’s needed!

My friends and I were never bitchy to eat other, still friends over 40yrs since our friendships started. My daughter and her teen friends always falling out

@Xenis, I was a teen decades before social media was even thought of, ditto mobile phones, and I can assure you, there was a coven of prize little bitches in my year at school. The mere name of the Coven Queen still gives me the shudders.

It seems worse around 14/15 then they seem to settle 16/17 with friends. None of my children have had real friendship issues once they leave school and start college, maybe because they aren’t trapped with the same crowd all
day every day at that point.

IME it's not just girls anymore! A lot of teenage boys are little bullying bitches as well (and by that I mean acting in the aforementioned 'mean girl' way) my DD has has had to deal with awful behaviour from both sexes it's vile. These nasty

i can imagine! This one girl who I know targets dd gives me the shudders!
sadly it does all seem to centre round jealousy I know this girl feels my dd left her out but in actual fact she moved away from the friendship as it wasn’t at all healthy and she was doing things that DD isn’t allowed to do. now this girl has gone to her new friendship group and been chipping away at them! Unfortunately she has a cool
Older sister, a big house with parents out and free access to alcohol so 🤷‍♀️
it seems to happen a lot she seems to want whatever my dd has

If it’s a toxic group or she is continually the whipping girl you might need to encourage her to bin them entirely.

Karma won here Dd2 is now extremely popular and has a glittering social life whilst her former “friends” do not and watch from the sidelines sometimes wheedling to be invited. Fuck. Right. Off.

To be fair I have known a few too!

I reminded dd yesterday she always comes out of these situations better because she is nice and she has a heart and good values! Guess it’s just not helpful at the time for them

@KitKatrunchie , and the Coven Queen went on to be a primary teacher! Those poor children! 😱

It wasn’t my experience as a teenager and it’s not been my DDs so I don’t agree with your title. Of course there is the odd individual who isn’t that nice but that happens at all ages.
At this age no one is obliged to be friends with anyone else. You can’t make people who don’t want to include you. You have to move up and find friends elsewhere. It’s not bitchy to want to choose who you hang out with.

I taught at a girls’ school for years. Some of the pupils there were incredibly kind, both to one another, and to the general community. There was the odd less kind one p, but they were definitely the minority.

I think school culture does rub off. Kind schools beget kind pupils.

Also, friendship groups are very hard to negotiate at any stage in life, but particularly so in teenage years. Some teachers got involved in these, trying to settle disputes etc, but I didn’t. Absent bullying, it is just a part of growing up.

No, they’re not bitches. They’re kids, going through seismic hormonal shifts, and realising they have to spend the rest of their lives being female in a misogynistic world. It’s very, very hard for them but the huge majority of them will turn out brilliantly.

They can be mean, competitive, cliquey and thoughtless. They can also be compassionate, funny, clever, kind and interesting.

Exactly! Having taught in mixed, all girls and all boys schools, all boys was the easiest, plenty of physical stuff but over quickly. Girls slow burn and have very long memories, their fighting is more psychological. If I told a boy off that was usually an end to it, a girl would remember it, often until the day she left! I also recall it was more common for the parents of girls to get involved.

I do feel sorry for kids nowadays. No escape because of social media.

Girls fall out all the time. My DD will cry about a girl being horrible to her and the next day, they're friends again. Then another girl falls out with her or she falls out with someone and again, the next day they are best friends.

It is exhausting, worrying and I sometimes feel helpless. But unless things got physical, I won't get overly involved in her friendships, but I always offer a big hug and motivational talk with her to let her know she's amazing and try to ask her to have a wide friendship circle so she doesn't depend too much on one or two other girls.