SIL uninvited DCs to party

[Cocoadoodle]

SIL is having a big birthday party tomorrow night. It’s family and friends and has been booked for ages at a local venue with bar, disco.
Family are coming from different parts of the country, with some staying at other local family members homes and some staying in hotels.
We have 2 DCs, so SILs niece and nephew. DD 10, DS 7
This morning she’s nonchalantly messaged me saying oh no, just found out after speaking to the venue that kids aren’t allowed. I asked her weeks ago and she said they were! My DC are so excited to celebrate their aunts birthday and see their cousins/other kids from extended family, and now they can’t go and she doesn’t seem to give two shits! They’re going to be gutted.
Cousin (in law) is driving over after school tonight to stay at ours with her kids for the weekend, and SIL hasn’t even bothered to tell them that their kids are now not invited.
I know I’m not being U, but what are we supposed to do? Or maybe I am being U as it’s her party so she can do as she pleases.

Yeah I don’t think you can conclude anything until you check with the venue. If it’s true it’s an oversight by SIL but not malicious. Does she have children? I remember being a bit clueless about the realities ( finding babysitter etc) before I had children. I once arrived with a hostess gift of a box of chocs and handed them to the three year old cos I thought he’d like it. Cue a frantic chase round the house by his parents as he stuffed them in his mouth by the fistful. You don’t really “get” all these things until you have to .

It looks like SIL has done this in error so not deliberate but then has realised it’s too late to cancel and rebook. It is a case of her not thinking though.

Very bad form for her considering everyone else it’ll have an impact on.

I’ve got no idea what I’d do in OP’s shoes but her DH can handle it.

I’m off to a 50th at a sports club tomorrow night where kids are invited (or not if parents want a kid free night) so there are lots of venues where you can have children and alcohol.

This doesn't make a lot of sense. It's much easier to make childcare arrangements weeks in advance than at the last minute.

I realise this is a long shot but is there any where that the children can go and have their own party, obviously with some adults.

One of my nieces has form for this sort of thing.Now when she announces she's getting married(again),throwing a party or coming to spend a week with us we just tell her it sounds lovely and then we forget about it.

For the people saying that SIL made a mistake, how was lying to the OP that kids were allowed at the venue when the OP specifically asked a mistake exactly?

The OP asked, the SIL told her yes without even thinking to check. She lied to the OP which was absolutely deliberate.

And what a coincidence that she found out before the party started.

I suspect she found out the rule when she confirmed the numbers with the venue. I think it's entirely possible that it didn't occur to her that there might be a restriction - a lot of people are surprised to discover that some venues' licences do not cover under 18s. It's a little less believable that the venue didn't flag it when she first booked, but then a lot of people would celebrate a 30th or similar with their friends rather than family, so possibly they assumed all the guests would be adults.

The OP still asked though. And she said yes.

Making an assumption when someone has specifically asked is not a mistake - it’s deliberate.

And now the reality is that her 30th birthday is going to be one of those things which people have a laugh about in future “OMG remember when SIL had this massive party and half the family didn’t turn up because it turned out at the last minute that kids weren’t allowed? What a disaster that was….”

Shrug. It's still their problem, if they want to attend. If they stay home, it's nobody's problem. In no way is securing child care the SIL's problem.

We’ll have to agree to disagree then since I think you are completely wrong and you obviously think the same of me. 😁

So she invited 100+ guests.

10 adults may be bringing kids.

I'm sorry but I think you're all being ridiculous saying she should change venues or pay for an additional kids party at her expense. Yes she's fucked up by not ensuring that the venue allows kids. But everyone is willing to effectively ruin a milestone birthday for her, to which the majority of invited guests are adults, because a small % of children will be disappointed?

TBH, I wouldn't give a damn about my SIL and her feelings in a situation like this. My daughter and her feelings come first. Also, looks like SIL has a form for this and why should OP and the rest of the family bend over and just pretend it's all good? At the end of the day, it's sorted, OP isn't going and her DH is.

I’m fairly sure it’s not so much that the children will be disappointed so much as that finding babysitters at 24 hours notice, for many of them hundreds of miles from home and when most adult family members (who are probably on the list of usual babysitters) are also at a party that night is going to be impossible.

Leaving toddlers to fend for themselves while the parents party on licensed premises tends to be frowned on!

Obviously if the children are teenagers who can be left to themselves that’s different but even then, I’m not sure I’d be willing to leave a teenager in a hotel room / family member’s house while I go off to a party when said party is in honour of the person whose screw up caused the issue. As far as I’m concerned, between a disappointed child and the person directly responsible for causing that disappointment, I’m going to prioritise the child.

Of course not. But people apparently either rented or purchased outfits for this party and now they potentially can't attend. Perhaps you should offer to reimburse them since it's her fault that they didn't know that they couldn't attend.

She, not you, obviously.

By the sound of it it was an honest mistake but come ooooon, who doesn't check these things when they make a booking?!

She sounds really ditsy and I do hope she comes with a better apology, in time. Everyone else who now can't come will have also spent out for costumes so there'll be quite a few pissed off people in the family tonight, I'd wager!

Just so you know, OP - Amazon do a small £20 chocolate fountain and bags of chocolate for fountains on Prime. They clean up really easily and have been a big hit at many a gathering at ours. A few dunked strawberries and marshmallows might help take the edge off that costume bill!

I'd say what a pity we won't be able to come now. Never mind we can all wear fancy dress at home. Should I tell cousin no DC or will you be telling them? Why not invite cousin and kids to your house for a fancy dress party?

I'm sorry but I think you're all being ridiculous saying she should change venues or pay for an additional kids party at her expense. Yes she's fucked up by not ensuring that the venue allows kids. But everyone is willing to effectively ruin a milestone birthday for her, to which the majority of invited guests are adults, because a small % of children will be disappointed? she ruined her own milestone birthday by being such a thoughtless cow.

come on, she’s 30 ffs. Stop infantilising the woman “bless her she made an honest mistake, don’t ruin her birthday…” she’s 30 not three. People talk about someone being ditsy as if it’s cute somehow.

Well it isn’t. So she’s learned the hard way that if she doesn’t pay attention then she has only herself to blame if it all goes wrong.

I assume she wouldn’t expect to have oversights laughed off in her job assuming she has one?

I wouldn’t be expecting her to pay for a kids’ party, I just wouldn’t go. And she’ll be lucky if some of those without kids such as her mother who was probably looking forward to an evening with her other children and grandchildren don’t decide to not go either.

I wouldn't want a bunch of kids at my adult birthday party!
Perhaps the lady didn't actually invite all these kids herself?

OP said that the SIL was the one talking up the party to her DC and getting them excited about it.

Trouble is, unless she is called out on this thinking and self-centred (OPs words) behaviour, she will never change...

It is evidential that sil is not one of life's great organisers then

just find a sitter and if not stay at home and invite their cousins over

there’s no need for all the adults to miss the party

it’s shit but all the kids could stay in one house with 1-2 adults and have fancy dress party

it’s way ott to organise a rival party

to be fair if there’s 100 invited and i knew only 10 of those were bringing kids i’d have read the room that kids were gatecrashing an adult party

It's not gatecrashing if they are invited.