Or is he - moving costs after relationship end.

[DietCokeAddict19]

Ex has lived with me, rent free but paying half the bills, for 5 years. In that time he’s been able to rent out his own place to the tune of £1800 a month which he has been putting in savings.

So we’ve split up, and he has moved out and back into his own place. He lives 3 hours away, so with various trips and van hire, it’s cost him £220.

In the process of sorting out finances and our joint account etc, and he has asked me to pay half of his moving costs.

I’ve told him he’s being completely unreasonable - it’s not my problem that he lives 3 hours away and needed to hire a van.

From a guy who earns at least 4 times my salary, he’s just being a CF, right?

One point about blocking - I'd be really worried that he would then try and go via the kids to get to me. I'm not sure he's boundaried enough not to do that, and I don't want them lumbered with "why has your mum blocked me?" texts from him, as that's not fair on them.

Hmm. One to ponder.

Again, this is not your responsibility. It’s on him. He might start to go via the kids even if you don’t block him - ‘why is your mum ignoring me?’ etc. We can’t control other people’s actions, only our response to them as the saying goes. Either way all you can do is explain to your kids why you’re not in contact and why you don’t think it’s a good idea they’re in contact with him.

I also fell into a terrible trap of give, give, give, burying my own needs and it’s why I’ve had three abusive relationships. I somehow lost myself and fell into this role of my life revolving around pleasing and appeasing them. I’d recommend having a look at the Freedom Programme which outlines what a healthy relationship should look like. It was really eye-opening for me. This is your time now. What makes you happy? Start doing more of it! Pay attention to how someone makes you feel. If someone is consistently making you feel bad then they’re not someone you need in your life.

@DietCokeAddict19 I am not a fan of armchair diagnoses but I will say that there are aspects of covert narcissism in his behaviour. Doesn't mean he is one, but you can still take some learnings.

The key thing I'm noticing in your texts is that he's very self absorbed, lacking in empathy and very much the victim. Men like this love women like you because you tend to feel an over inflated sense of responsibility and overcompensate for perceived selfishness or other failings, often as a result of the sort of upbringing and scapegoating you've described in your past.

I totally get why you don't want to block him and at this point, I tend to agree. If there weren't the DC to think about, sure, no problem. But there are.

But the single biggest thing to remember with people with narcissist traits is that they need "supply". What that means is they need your attention. Preferably positive attention - "you are so great" is, of course, the preferred option. But "I'm so sorry, you've been so wronged and here's how I can help you" is good too. At a push, they will absolutely take, "You are a dickhead and I hate you" because.... it still allows them, in their OWN narrative, to be the hero AND victim at once ("I did so much for her and look what a bitch she is to me").

So don't engage with the texts at all. Ignore them. Or, as I think has been suggested previously, send a single emoji. Thumbs up is often a good one.

I don't know what was in your last text and I'd be inclined to say it doesn't matter, but I suspect you will feel you can't just stop engaging with him completely with no warning, so if you absolutely must, first send a single message saying "I can't talk to you anymore. this relationship is over and we both need to get on with our lives. I wish you all the best." Then ignore or emoji only.

As for the DC, I think you just have to keep talking to them. There's a fairly good chance he will turn on them at some point so look out for that. On the plus side, once he does, it will be a lot easier to encourage them to cut contact completely.

It's hard. I know. But you can do this.

It must be tempting to say “here’s your money now f**k off”, though!

Ack, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel worse. I was hoping you would find your anger over his self absorption with no thought or care for you or the children. He really has done a number on you

Big hugs from me too ❤

EDIT - I think I would be tempted to "borrow " the children's phones and block him without their knowledge , or mention it afterwards that it needed to be done by the whole family. We can all see he is manipulating you to feel bad so we now know he probably would target the children. Protect them. They really really have no need to contact him anymore. It's over.

The key thing I'm noticing in your texts is that he's very self absorbed, lacking in empathy and very much the victim. Men like this love women like you because you tend to feel an over inflated sense of responsibility and overcompensate for perceived selfishness or other failings, often as a result of the sort of upbringing and scapegoating you've described in your past

Blimey, that really hit home.

I thought I might recognise a narcissist seeing as my mum is one and so is my ex husband. Maybe I did and the familiarity kept me hooked in.

His last text to me doesn't require a reply, no questions asked by him (just a monologue about himself!) so will happily just not respond any further. It's always him that initiates the contact though - it had been almost a week since the last message and I was beginning to feel a bit less anxious. Maybe blocking is the better thing to do. At least it saves me having to read what he is writing. Even if I thumbs up or don't reply, it still upsets me to read it because it usually includes how much I have hurt him and what a brilliant person he is. I can't take much more of that.

Yes, very!!!

Oh you didn't make me feel worse. The tears were good and it really helped for you to point out that his message is all about him and in his interests and not at all in mine. I can't quite believe I didn't see that - I was too caught up in whether or not to reply to it!

I think I'm too exhausted to feel angry today. I just feel worn down by it all.

DS1 is still contacting him so I'll have a chat with him when he is back from his dad's. I check their phones regularly so can see any contact that has been happening between them - that's how I found out that he had contacted DS1 about the TV stuff when I read those messages.

Anyway, finally home after a long day. Stupidly put some washing on which I now need to wait to finish. I should have just gone to bed and snuggled up in my electric blanket with my book. Maybe I'll do that anyway and just get up to sort the washing out when it beeps.

Thanks for all your wise words. They really are amazing and I'm so thankful to everyone here and the support and advice.

Try archiving him assuming he's using WhatsApp? You don't get notifications, just look when you want to etc?

Or, as suggested, you get to the point where you're ALL blocking him. But I do think while you have the DC to worry about, you have to able to manage it. And unless they understand why he needs to be blocked, it's a bit tricky.

If it's any consolation, I entertained myself for DAYS months after a barrage of similar messages by imagining all the ways I could irritate him in my response. The one I came up with that was the MOST compelling and which I really secretly wish I'd thought of sooner as by the time I came up with it, it would have just been weird, was to send him a series of unicorns and rainbow emoji's This was after another one of his rants about what terrible people we all are, how he'd asked for help and we hadn't given it and he had "rights" (believe it or not, he wasn't even a partner or a close family member of mine). The unicorn and rainbows would have INFURIATED him and I still get a little glow just imagining it!

Covert narcissists by the way are very good at sneaking in if you've previously experienced more traditional narcissism. Their self effacing, almost introvert nature makes them seem so restful and appealing....

@NotLactoseFree his whatsapp chat is already archived which really does help - it does pop up with a small 1 next to the archive it when he messages, but as you say you have to look and no notifications pop up etc.

Haha love the unicorns and rainbows idea! I'll have a ponder myself as to what would annoy him the most. Good distraction from other feelings!

Oh yes the pretend introverted, introspective men that they are...

His last message made me laugh out loud. Talking about how he was the now the man he always wanted to be, a real role model for my children.

Half the time he didn't even make an effort to hide how much they annoyed him!!

And gah he has sent me another text! (I only know because I was going to check exactly how he had phrased his own brilliance at role modelling and then spotted he has sent a message). Fuck it, I'm not reading those tonight. Although if I don't I know I'll have it hanging over me in the morning.

I tell you what would drive him the most insane. Never, ever reading those messages. Leaving the two little ticks grey for ever and ever and ever and ever...

I tell you what would drive him the most insane. Never, ever reading those messages. Leaving the two little ticks grey for ever and ever and ever and ever...

Definitely. So don’t open them. Or if you really must, put your phone into airplane mode before opening the message and keep it on until you’ve come out of the chat

Does that work, if you read whilst on airplane mode and then come out before turning it off? I assumed it still registered as being read?

No, as long as you come out of the message before you turn airplane mode off it shouldn’t show as read. I used to do it all the time before WhatsApp allowed near-complete invisibility.

Ah ok didn’t know that. Not that it matters. I don’t want to read it anyway.

I just feel so tired. I’m sleeping ok (when the kids aren’t here - my eldest DS has ASD and is a terrible sleeper) but just feel drained. Being winter doesn’t help!

The message was a location marker from a lay-by where we had once had a bit of a fumble in the back of his car. I don't know why I looked. It felt like game playing to leave it unread.

I've blocked him now. It's not good for me mentally to be dealing with all this. I want to be feeling good and have energy and joy for my kids. Instead I just feel numb.

WTF? That’s just weird. And a bit creepy.

I think you’ve done the right thing disengaging from his game.

The message was a location marker from a lay-by where we had once had a bit of a fumble in the back of his car.

Ugh.....< insert vomit emoji multiple times > that is gross. I am so glad you blocked him. What sort of man sends those types of messages? Oh wait, I know. The sort that thinks they are better than you, the sort that expects you to come running and beg him to forgive you. The sort that thinks you are always wrong. The sort that thinks he has a golden cock and made you think it too.

PP was correct, his type always look for the kind and guilt ridden women so they can manipulate and guilt trip them. It also confirms my point about your children should be blocking him too as he could pull similar emotional shit with them behind your back. There is no reason why they should remain in contact with an emotional and mental manipulator.

Oh, and he's just sent a long email about the finances.

I don't give a shit anymore. Here's a copied and pasted version.

"Keen to get this resolved so it’s all done before Christmas if that’s okay with you? Start 2024 with a clean slate.

The only outstanding thing from me was the repayment of whatever funds you want to send my way from the joint account (where funds were about £730 when I left the house) and the energy credit £120ish when I left the house).

In terms of the white goods, your question has badly affected me, and I need to be able to say my piece. You asked whether you had received half of the £1,800 income from the apartment being rented out in XXX. Details matter to us both, so from my perspective there are several inaccuracies wrapped up in your comment.

Firstly, the apartment was not rented out for £1,800. I received £1,478 for it. Of that, £680 went on the mortgage, £120 on council tax, around £200 on utilities. So around £480 was “profit” on which I’ve been taxed so, take a quarter off and the income is down to £380.

Each month since we’ve had one (four years?) I’ve paid at least £100 more than an equal split into our joint account; paid for Airbnb trips, meals out, treats & experiences for the boys, all of the petrol for trips to Cornwall, Wales, Gatwick, Oxford and so on, all the Oatly, Netflix, Now TV, Amazon, Disney, Spotify, Nintendo, Duolingo subscriptions, and offered the use of my apartment to our family to use cost-free when there were gaps.

I feel I’ve absolutely done more than my fair share of paying for things that had been used by all four of us and taken on the responsibility of paying for a share of your children’s needs without question or hesitation. I’ve never asked to borrow money from you (or your dad) to pay off debts, I’m not interested in trying to make any claim on any property that you seemed to think I was entitled to. Fairness is important to me, so your perspective on whether you’d received a share of my income from the apartment really did cut very deeply.

My emotional response to the comment has kept me awake at night multiple times, so I needed to share my thoughts to deal with it. That’s all. Whatever you do about it is up to you, but at least you know where I came from.

With genuine lifelong affection for you and the boys."

He can half the money out of the joint account and then he can just fuck off.

you’ll be pleased to know I’ve found my anger again @AutumnFroglets

Block him everywhere OP. He needs you to admit he is right, and he's trying to scare you. What a nasty man.

f you really want to send a message then tell him to take you to court. Let a judge decide what is fair. But honestly just block.

The only outstanding thing from me was the repayment of whatever funds you want to send my way from* *the joint account

So thats a lie. Its not whatever you want at all. Send him £20

🤮 🤮 🤮

I’ve sent him half. I really can’t be fucked with this any more. How do I block email addresses on gmail? I’ll tell the kids to block him later. Fucking twat.

Open the email, click the 3 dots, more, block sender.