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Original poster

Or is he - moving costs after relationship end.

504 replies

DietCokeAddict19 · 16/11/2023 20:05

Ex has lived with me, rent free but paying half the bills, for 5 years. In that time he’s been able to rent out his own place to the tune of £1800 a month which he has been putting in savings.

So we’ve split up, and he has moved out and back into his own place. He lives 3 hours away, so with various trips and van hire, it’s cost him £220.

In the process of sorting out finances and our joint account etc, and he has asked me to pay half of his moving costs.

I’ve told him he’s being completely unreasonable - it’s not my problem that he lives 3 hours away and needed to hire a van.

From a guy who earns at least 4 times my salary, he’s just being a CF, right?

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 03/12/2023 16:24

DietCokeAddict19 · 03/12/2023 14:35

Oh, and I need to decide if I pay him half the joint account money. I'm really torn on this one. On the one hand he has benefitted SO MUCH living here, and I lost a lot financially. But I could have asked for rent, I could have asked for the money I lost out on tax credits, I could have asked for part of his rental income money, and I never did.

I don't want to play games. I don't want it to be tit for tat.

Regardless of what has happened, I am a decent and reasonable and good person, and though heaven knows I owe him nothing, the type of person that I believe I am (or certainly want to be) would pay the money and hold their head up high. Not for any of the unreasonable stuff he has asked for (half or moving costs, half of the white good etc) - he won't get a penny for that. But half of the joint account money (approx £350) that was left at the end of the month after he moved out.

Don't you dare give him a penny. A guy who used you for his own financial gain.

Be a decent and reasonable person to yourself and your DC first.

AutumnFroglets · 03/12/2023 16:30

Can you remind me why you had the joint account and how much you both put in on a regular basis? If it was for gas, electric, water or council then you haven't had the year's end statements so don't know if he under or over paid. If it was to use for Christmas Dinner and presents for the kids then that's different iyswim.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 03/12/2023 16:56

RantyAnty · 03/12/2023 16:24

Don't you dare give him a penny. A guy who used you for his own financial gain.

Be a decent and reasonable person to yourself and your DC first.

Show quote history

It's such a mind fuck to think that he used me for his own financial gain (which I can see is absolutely true) and read some of the cards he sent me. Was all that lies? I just can't bring myself to believe that.

I feel completely selfish and unfair to not pay him back. Clearly he doesn't feel that way otherwise he wouldn't have taken advantage the way he did, but I feel like a total shit to keep that money.

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 03/12/2023 17:00

AutumnFroglets · 03/12/2023 16:30

Can you remind me why you had the joint account and how much you both put in on a regular basis? If it was for gas, electric, water or council then you haven't had the year's end statements so don't know if he under or over paid. If it was to use for Christmas Dinner and presents for the kids then that's different iyswim.

Out of the joint account came all bills, and occasional meals out (with and without the kids). We paid in equal amounts until about 2 years ago, when he started to pay in slightly more and I couldn't afford to increase my share. So by the end he paid in £550 a month and me £450 a month. There was £700 in the account when we split, plus he's asked for the credit in the gas/electricity. I can't check how much credit (or not) there is as Shell have just been taken over by Octopus and I can't access any info on the app.

I paid for all Christmas presents for the kids myself.

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 03/12/2023 17:41

So it was for bills. I would count it towards end if year statements, changing of house locks, and your time for boxing up his goods and cleaning his toothpaste off the bathroom sink etc. I do get it though as I would think the same and want to give some back especially if it was joint fun money. However it's not, and you have two children to consider. There is a reason why you should not disperse all money from a probate immediately , some has to be retained for unforeseen debt. Maybe keep it back until the annual statements, see what's left and write a cheque then. Give yourself some breathing room...and see if he charges DS for that expensive game!

Namerequired · 03/12/2023 17:42

You don’t owe him anything, but do whatever is going to give you most peace of mind. Think what will make you feel better or your life easier, be that paying him or not.

Poshjock · 03/12/2023 18:27

Remember that your utilities is an average so you overpay during Summer. If you pay him half now you will leave yourself short over the coldest months.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 03/12/2023 20:42

Yes maybe I should wait and see if anything unexpected comes up with the utilities over the next few weeks. I initially said I would do it at the end of November. I don't really want to be in contact with him (well, I do, but I know it won't do me any good, so I'm trying very hard not to), but I also don't want him chasing me for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 03/12/2023 20:44

Namerequired · 03/12/2023 17:42

You don’t owe him anything, but do whatever is going to give you most peace of mind. Think what will make you feel better or your life easier, be that paying him or not.

The thing that would give me most peace of mind would be to pay him. Then I can put it all behind me and move on. If I don't pay it then it feels like it is hanging over me and he might ask for it at any point

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 03/12/2023 20:45

Poshjock · 03/12/2023 18:27

Remember that your utilities is an average so you overpay during Summer. If you pay him half now you will leave yourself short over the coldest months.

Yes, I tried to say that to him. He sees it like a bank - he had paid in, it's unspent, he wants it back.

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 04/12/2023 15:15

Tell him it’s gone on bills already and unpaid rent from him over the last however long he lived there. Don’t disadvantage yourself for him even more

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 15:20

Just stop discussing it with him, OP.

He's got his stuff now, right?

Just block his number and move on.

MinnieGirl · 04/12/2023 16:13

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 15:20

Just stop discussing it with him, OP.

He's got his stuff now, right?

Just block his number and move on.

This…..

By responding to him, you are showing him he’s getting to you. He is not owed anything, and that money he claims he should have could be used to help support your children. You are not asking him for half the rent he was paid are you?

Just don’t reply. He’s gone you are over no need for any further conversation.

ObsidianGrape · 04/12/2023 16:47

Hi op, I see that you are feeling guilty that you haven't paid him any money back. I honestly think it's all yours and you shouldn't be worrying about handing some to him.

To put the matter to close you can message him saying you wil be keeping all the joint account money and utility money as he has benefitted from 5 years of rent free living and making a nice profit on his property while you have sacrificed your benefits to have him living with you rent free. So the money you are keeping is a small token amount as you should have at least asked him to cover the money lost in benefit in the time he's lived with you.

In all honesty, if he was still feeling hard done by, he would have contacted you by now asking for the money again.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 05/12/2023 09:49

I feel
like it’s being weak to block him, but he sent me a really long text yesterday (which I did reply to but the ending was very much a closing and a goodbye). I can see he has replied but I can’t bring myself to read it.

I need to block him for my own sanity, I’m feeling so so anxious today it feels like my legs are going to buckle, but the guilt of cutting him off is horrible. Rationally, I know that the guilt will fade, and will feel better than the constant anxiety of what he will say in his next message.

I’m trying to rationalise my decisions/actions by asking myself is this going to be helpful for me, is this going to serve me, is this the person I want to be, and working out that my priority of myself and my children and our happiness/welfare, not the feelings of someone else. But this is a big shift in behaviour for me and I’m not finding it easy. Clearly I have been more of a people pleaser than I realised!

im going to pay the money (£300 - Less than half the joint account but covers part of the cost for new lock and a cleaner) and block him and move on with my life. I feel like it’s such a hurtful thing to do, but if I don’t do it then I am only hurting myself, and I can’t let his feelings be more important than my own

OP posts:
AntonFeckoff · 05/12/2023 10:01

I really think it’s best to shut the door completely and block (and delete his number so you can’t go back).

I understand the guilt you’re feeling because it’s what kept me going back to unhealthy relationships. Especially if they cried. I can’t bear the thought of anyone suffering. But the fact is, he’s a grown man and his feelings aren’t your responsibility. This won’t be the first time a relationship ends for him and it probably won’t be the last.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. The relationship hadn’t been working for a long time and it’s now time to move on and be free. The bad feelings will fade and you’ll start having lovely new experiences in this new chapter of your life. Put yourself first and block him.

Moreorlessmentallystable · 05/12/2023 10:10

What a chancer. Send him an invoice for rent for all the time he lives at yours rent free, after he pays that you can give him his £110 to pay for the moving costs.

TolkiensFallow · 05/12/2023 10:18

Eurgh. It’s so tough OP. I feel like that £300 at Christmas would make all the difference to you and the kids.

What a vile greedy selfish man that he has so much money in the bank and still wants to take take take from you.

AntonFeckoff · 05/12/2023 10:21

And if you hadn't got there first, he probably would've emptied that account. I very much doubt he’s currently feeling guilty about all the money you lost out on because of him, or anything at all for that matter.

AutumnFroglets · 05/12/2023 10:25

So your anxiety is sky high to the point of physical symptoms but over what? According to your post it's because of angst over cutting him off. Of feeling guilty because he is hurting.

Oh OP.... where are you in all this? You are placing him front and centre again, and again and again. Not you. Not the children. But him. And yet he hasn't put you in front, or the children, just himself. Again, His needs, his wants, me me me.

As MNers like to say.., did he have a golden cock?

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 05/12/2023 10:45

AutumnFroglets · 05/12/2023 10:25

So your anxiety is sky high to the point of physical symptoms but over what? According to your post it's because of angst over cutting him off. Of feeling guilty because he is hurting.

Oh OP.... where are you in all this? You are placing him front and centre again, and again and again. Not you. Not the children. But him. And yet he hasn't put you in front, or the children, just himself. Again, His needs, his wants, me me me.

As MNers like to say.., did he have a golden cock?

Your post made me cry.

You are so right. His long text was not about me, or the kids. He didn’t ask about them at all. It was all about how bad he is feeling, how it would help him to know how I am feeling so he can move on. As you say, me me me.

And I don’t know why I couldn’t see that.

My reply was somewhat guarded in that I didn’t really tell him how I was feeling at all but more what I was doing, but I realise that all I have been doing is massaging his ego, making him feel better, putting him first. Again. Whilst I am here feeling anxious to the point of crying at work because I am so worried that I will have said something to upset him.

He has said and done a lot of things that have upset me but I’ve just absorbed it. Maybe I shouldn’t have but it just prolongs the contact if I tell him that he’s upset me.

Like @AntonFeckoff I’ve gone back to shitty relationships in the past because I haven’t wanted to hurt people. I’ve gone back because I didn’t believe I deserved any better. I remember seeing my dad crying when he and my mum got divorced and men crying is a big trigger for me. I’ve been abused by my mum and she has purposely said things to hurt me, and I think I have been so determined not to be like her that I’ve swung too far the other way and my desire not to hurt other people has only left me hurting myself.

I feel broken today.

OP posts:
AntonFeckoff · 05/12/2023 10:58

Big hugs @DietCokeAddict19.

What is on the agenda today? Are you working? If not can you take yourself for coffee and cake? Watch a film? If you’re working, let’s make a plan for when you get home.

NotLactoseFree · 05/12/2023 12:45

Aah, @DietCokeAddict19 I was going to ask what was in the long message as I assumed it was either a diatribe of abuse aimed at you or a woe is me message.

I am not sure if you ever said how the end finally came but it was one of those - constant drip drip and eventually you called it a day? I suspect that was a complete surprise to him, notwithstanding him apparently already checking out moving vans. He didn't really want you to end it, he wanted his cushy little life to continue.

I don't think you said if he had been emotionally controlling or abusive during the relationship but he's certainly being manipulative now. It might be worth thinking about what it was that caused yo to pull that final plug - the behaviours you couldn't live with etc and then see if and how he is still applying those behaviours, just in a slightly different form?

You have broken up, why is it on YOU to make HIM feel better? And as you've reminded yourself a few times - it's all about him, not you and not the DC.

It's not easy, of course it's not. But th irony is that there's really no reason to feel sorry for him. Sure, you both might be feeling a bit emotional, but that's not for you to feel guilty about. And it's not like you've kicked him out into the cold and dark with no where to go.

Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 05/12/2023 13:18

AntonFeckoff · 05/12/2023 10:58

Big hugs @DietCokeAddict19.

What is on the agenda today? Are you working? If not can you take yourself for coffee and cake? Watch a film? If you’re working, let’s make a plan for when you get home.

I'm working today, and then got another work thing 6-7, so will get home at about 7.30. Feel like I just need to hold it together until then, and at least I can fall apart when I get home.

Reading the posts today have made me reflect a lot - I work for the NHS, so I'm give give give all the time! At work, with the kids, with ex. I feel guilt about taking. I've been texting my stepmum today about my Christmas present - she is offering something that is much more expensive than I had anticipated, and I feel guilty for saying yes.

Ex and I got engaged at one point in our relationship (retrospectively, he only asked me to stop me ending the relationship, but that's a whole other story!). He offered to buy me a ring (obvs!) but I said no. Who knows if that's because I knew it was never going to work out between us. But part of it was also a real sense that I don't deserve it. I don't think I deserve anything nice.

Probably explains why I keep going for these utterly dickhead men.

OP posts:
Original poster
DietCokeAddict19 · 05/12/2023 13:25

@NotLactoseFree the long text, and his subsequent reply, were all about him. How he is doing, what I've done that's upset him, how low he has been feeling, how unfair it all is etc etc. Very much the woe is me, with a little bit of "you've caused all this" thrown in for good measure.

Yes, it was a surprise to him (he claims). And I ended it because I didn't trust him, and hadn't done for years since he originally cheated on me and lied to me about it. I guess 4 years of trying to work out if someone is still lying to you gets too much for anyone in the end. I had also reflected in therapy about all the unfairness with the finances whilst he had been living with me and I felt used. So I suppose yes, him continuing to ask for money even after we've split still feels like he is using me.

Of course it's not up to me to make him feel better - I'm the one who is the cause, not the solution! I did debate pointing that out to him but quite honestly I haven't got the energy for the response that it would create!

OP posts: