Or is he - moving costs after relationship end.

[DietCokeAddict19]

Ex has lived with me, rent free but paying half the bills, for 5 years. In that time he’s been able to rent out his own place to the tune of £1800 a month which he has been putting in savings.

So we’ve split up, and he has moved out and back into his own place. He lives 3 hours away, so with various trips and van hire, it’s cost him £220.

In the process of sorting out finances and our joint account etc, and he has asked me to pay half of his moving costs.

I’ve told him he’s being completely unreasonable - it’s not my problem that he lives 3 hours away and needed to hire a van.

From a guy who earns at least 4 times my salary, he’s just being a CF, right?

No, he didn’t.

Yes I have a feeling that makes a difference.

I would still have a consultation with a solicitor. Just in case he tries anything else you would be ready for him. Money well spent. But please please get the locks changed.

You have had had lots of good advice my concern is about the headspace that you may continue to give him once the immediate aftermath is over. That headspace is wanting to know why he is like that. What you actually need to spend your headspace on is working out why you when you look at the bare facts you were willing to lose money.

I can see you have had therapy regarding your ex but I’m seriously wondering why your sense of self has been consumed so easily by this awful man. Not all therapy is created equal and it needs to be the right therapy and therapist for you as an individual.

As a word of caution my friend and we are all now in our fifties has always had dreadful men as partners and husbands. Like your experience its not the really appalling men and it’s more subtle. I have tried talking to her a few times and it tested our relationship about 15 years ago when I did say what I really thought about a man who was a very obvious low level shyster. His behaviour was odd and it turned out he was married. She is a better person than I could ever be but she is far too generous regarding people and wants to see good in everything and everyone. Being that nice is destructive to her.

I have worked for both domestic violence and MH charities . When boundaries are tested people like yourself and my friend remain, people that will not put up with it are off at the first sign. It’s why you get these repeated patterns of women ending up with a string of abusive men. They absolutely target women who will put up with it.

Spend time on thinking about yourself and not others, good luck.

Cf I've ever heard of in all my life

Just who are you trying to justify this to? His mum? A bunch of people not in your relationship? What does it matter what ‘people’ think? You know that you are right - role model setting good boundaries for your kids. Do they really need to be in touch to look at dig videos? You’re potentially exposing them to his gaslighting behaviour- sorry kids you can’t see the dog because your mum ….(whatever shitty excuse people like this make up).

Your energy is better spent working on building confidence in your decisions rather than figuring out this idiot.

Thanks for the recent posts. I’m feeling utterly shattered at the moment and don’t have the energy to reply fully but I completely agree with not wasting my time and energy in trying to figure him out. I won’t ever manage that, and what would be the point. The focus is back on me, and working out why I behave the way I do.

My recent therapy was actually brilliant and I got far more from those sessions than ever before, because in the past whenever I have got close to the painful bits I have given up. This time I stuck with it and really learned a lot, but sadly my therapist had a new role to move into and stopped seeing private clients. So I need to find a new person to try and continue this momentum with.

I’ve been incredibly well supported by family and work friends, so doing ok.

Had to laugh - just realised he has taken his tea towels with him 🤣🤣

Reply yes you are right split everything in half including the rent you saved on renting out your property. Then watch him run for the hills. Lucky escape.

Lucky escape indeed!

You’re doing great OP!

When my ex left, we had to go to the bank together to close our joint account.
He hung back like a bad smell while I sat with the bank lady.
Her face was a picture when he asked for his half of the approximately £14.56 left in there 😕
But my friend beats that hands down.
Her ds lost a tooth at his dads over a weekend and his dad texted her to ask for her half of the tooth fairy money 😂

Lol, what a twat! You're well shot of him!

When me and an ex broke up, he bought me out of my half of the house. He was outraged that he had to pay Stamp Duty again on a house that he'd already paid stamp duty on (the argument that he'd paid half of the stamp duty when we bought it as a couple and now he'd be paying it on the second half of the house he was acquiring was totally lost on him).

I was desperate to get out and in the end, for a peaceful life, I agreed to go halves on it with him, even though I was then paying SD on the next property I was buying.

He'd even let me put more money in to the purchase of the house than he did, which I didn't get back when he bought me out.

He wouldn't get away with it now. I'm 20 years older and 20 years more stubborn!

While it still grates on me, I take great satisfaction in the fact that he was a materialistic arse, so me now living in a much bigger, more expensive house than he has, and now owning part of the business he quit working for is much better karma for me!

Last bits being picked up by him from mine tomorrow. He asked if I wanted to see him, I said no. I said I would leave his stuff outside when I left for work in the morning (as per his suggestion - if dry, leave out, if wet then he would meet me when I got back from work).

I know I am doing the right thing, and in fact I am merely doing what he suggested, but please reassure me (one last time, hopefully) that it's ok to do that? I've got all sorts of guilty feelings that his stuff will be stolen from outside the house and he'll blame me. But I'm following instructions, he knows what time it will be outside from, so he could choose to get up super early and pick it up when it's not been there for very long, he can take responsibility for himself and his belongings. If he doesn't make that choice, that's not my fault. Right?

(I know I'm right, I am anticipating the shit I will get if things go wrong)

(In which case I repeat the above - I was doing what he asked me to do, included timings etc, and he agreed to it all)

Put it outside. Text that it's outside. Go to work. And breathe.

The only mitigating things you can do is put it in the shed if you have one or side/back of house if he can access it. Remember, this is the stuff he told you he didn't want and you could tip it.

No, there is no other option than out the front. Other than to leave him the key to the garage and he can get the things from in there. He can’t access the house from the garage.

He lives 3 hours away, so with various trips and van hire, it’s cost him £220.

^^ As a self confessed minimalist I think he's had plenty of opportunities to take his items. I also vaguely recall you said the items were old pj's, dog bed etc. You also said he hasn't asked after the children once. So screw it, out the front.

EDIT - take pictures of what you put outside in case he claims it was stolen and one box had the familys heirloom of a ming vase.

The current amount being put outside is one medium box (containing bits of paperwork, a picture frame that belonged to his late mum) a large ikea size bag (containing various items of clothing, a north face puffer jacket), an ikea shelf size box (with stuff from his car), 2 dog beds, walking shoes, 2 umbrellas, a bike rack. There is more but I can't remember what. I can't possibly photograph it all - there is a lot!

Oh well. You told him it was going outside when you leave for work. After five years he should know what time he needs to be there to prevent theft or rain damage.

Good luck for tomorrow, and fingers crossed that you don't get any whinging texts.

Not that I think you have to, because you’ve made an agreement (hopefully in writing, and if not, please confirm it by email) but, just for your own peace of mind, have you a neighbour who might keep an eye on it all for you, or a friend who can sit in at yours to make sure it doesn’t go walkabout?

As an aside, minimalist my arse 😂 the man’s delusional!

I’ve just picked up your thread. Well done for clearing the bank account. I hope you get this man out of your life for good. Tricky, but I wouldn’t really want my dcs associating with him anymore. Hopefully they’ll come to work this one out for themselves.

I’ve put the things in the garage and left the key. I would feel too guilty if things went missing.

Dreamed about the dog last night. I never dream about her.

Got to try and get through a very busy work day and think suspect I’ll go home and have a bit of a sob. Hopefully it will feel better once all of his stuff is gone and it’s all “over”.

Still no indication at all that he wants to see/speak to the kids. Maybe it’s best that he doesn’t and we just forget all about him. Maybe seeing him again would only make it harder for the kids. I don’t know.

Still no indication at all that he wants to see/speak to the kids.

Says it all OP. He did not care enough. For you, or for the family unit. Accept you had some good times but also accept he was not the man he pretended to be.

Kids are massively resilient. They will be upset for a bit, then they will move on.

I tend to agree that letting them see him may be worse than making it better (I am assuming he is not the biological dad)

I lived with an ex for a while who was very involved with my LO. When we broke up, he wanted to video call, see him but I refused. He called up one night to give me an engraved compass for LO and said that was the last contact he would make and it was (well at least in regard to LO, he pestered me for months for sex).

He tried taking our dog but I wouldnt let him.

The ability for this man to simply pack his bags (while I was at work btw) and walk out our home with the intention of not even saying goodbye or clearing anything up (it came out the blue) was all I needed to know. Luckily, he text me and I was able to drive home to confront him and make sure he didnt take our dog in tow with him.

Why are you not asking him for 5 years worth of rent ?? Work out what he owes you send him an invoice and tell him to take half the appliance money out of that and send you the rest within a month