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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mum making it clear we’re not invited to the party

177 replies

Thatbucketheadssong · 16/11/2023 14:37

Just weird.

Mum at school, we’re friendly and chat, kids are friends etc.
She asked me at pick up if I was going to ‘X’s’ birthday party-other girl in the class, my Dd, 5, friends with her. It was the first I’d heard of it, felt slightly embarrassed, said ‘Oh I’m not sure, have to check my WhatsApp’s etc’ She then persisted with ‘Oh X’s mum sent me a message, some people invite the whole class on WhatsApp, others WhatsApp each person’ (yes, I know 😂) we’d obviously not been invited, bit 🤷🏻‍♀️But not too fussed really as our main larger friendship and mums/kids group is outside school and Dd wouldn’t know anyway at age 5 or be that bothered.
This mum clearly wanted to let me know…why? Was it being mean? I could see in her face she knew we weren’t invited, it wasn’t a casual oops mistake at all
Should I stay clear of this one?

OP posts:
Kangaboo · 17/11/2023 17:48

People get weird about how 'popular' their 5 year olds are. There can also be some very overinvested mums. Laughable really when the kids are unlikely to even remember each other in another 6 years time. It calms down a lot by Year 2 or 3, just shrug it off.

Pezdeoro41 · 17/11/2023 17:49

Obviously we didn’t see her face but I’m not really seeing what others are from your post? It seems to me quite normal to comment she was messaged directly if you were going to look at the WhatsApp and she knows that’s not how the invite came? Either way, no biggie, brush it off.

CherryMyBrandy · 17/11/2023 18:20

I don't think that sounds like she was trying to be horrible. Unless her tone suggested that?

Just sounds like she asked if you were invited. Either because of wanting to lift share or just chatting. And then realised you might not have been so waffled on about WhatsApp messages.

I wouldn't cut her off because if this unless there have been other issues. Sounds like she put her foot in her mouth and then was embarrassed hence the waffling.

OVienna · 17/11/2023 18:25

I voted YABU because I think there's a possibility you're over thinking this. She might be a cow but she may, as another poster said, just have been looking to share lifts.

I was sort of relieved when the 'drama' of primary school and parties etc ended, then wistful I didn't know any secondary school mums very well. DD1 at university and I'd LOVE a parents' coffee. Yes, I know I'm a saddo.

Soontobe60 · 17/11/2023 18:29

One could argue that all the posts on here that support the claim that the person as weird / rude / mean are seeing her response through their own eyes. In reality, it could be just as reasonable to assume the woman was asking a genuine question than was embarrassed when the OP replied, as she maybe felt awkward.

ScottishWaylander · 17/11/2023 18:45

The mum may be autistic/neurodiverse and, having put her foot in it, didn't automatically know the socially acceptable way to politely move on and ended up digging a deeper hole by trying to fix things.

I think I used to do this all the time but nowadays I'm more aware of my social ineptitudeand can generally stop digging (I hope!)

It always seemed to be the people I least wanted to offend that I accidently offended the most, probably because I was trying my hardest to get out of that hole!

Anyway, back to OP.... just bear in mind any slight or weirdness may be completely unintentional.

toomuchleopardprintforanintrovert · 17/11/2023 18:50

I don't get this? Isn't she just:

A) asking if your kid was going (being conversational)
B) confirming that if the kid was invited it would have been via a private message on WhatsApp as you were talking about checking on WhatsApp?

I don't understand how people are just jumping to "she did it on purpose to upset you", "she's jealous" and "f*CK her".... Unless I am missing something?

Diamondshmiamond · 17/11/2023 18:53

Why are you assuming she clearly knew your dd hadn't been invited?

She might have assumed she was, then felt embarrassed and waffled when she realised she wasn't. It's always an awkward one, but I wouldn't assume she clearly knew unless a) she told you or b) she has form for stirring.

Mumabearwithme · 17/11/2023 19:29

She maybe just said it for something chat about/ to know if she’d have someone to sit beside at the party.
Reading these comments could make you paranoid that one misinterpreted comment could get you written off as a friend.
You don’t know her motive. If this is a pattern of behaviour it’s different.

starfishmummy · 17/11/2023 19:48

Tabitha2721 · 17/11/2023 10:28

Some School mums are just plain weird. Zero reason behind a lot of behaviour I see. Just avoid!

My dc is disabled and went to a specialist school and had door to door transport. There was no school gate experience at all - I used to think I had missed out. And then I joined mumsnet and realised that I had missed a minefield!

Copasetic · 17/11/2023 20:15

I honestly wouldnt think anything of it. I’d assume there was a reason for asking (lift share) or just to say “I’ll see you there” and making conversation.

RantyAnty · 17/11/2023 20:27

Oh how I love to wind these types up by implying you'd never want to go to something like that.

Dery · 17/11/2023 20:39

“I wouldn't read anything into this at all!

She wanted to know if you & your DD were going (for any number of reasons, lifts, discussing present ideas, just wanting to know if she'd see you there etc). Then when you said you'd have to check WhatsApp she though "eek, probably not invited then, I've put my foot in it", so said something about having received a direct WhatsApp about it to save you further time in checking back and/or embarrassment in asking the party mum direct.”

This.

Topofthemountain · 17/11/2023 20:42

Bloody hell where do some of you live?

Where mine went to primary school Mum's would just have it out with each other*, none of this passive aggressive shit that seems to go on everywhere else.

*And be bff again the next day.

TortolaParadise · 17/11/2023 20:46

keep her at arms length

Aliceinnorthernland · 17/11/2023 21:02

Impossible to say unless we were there. If your Spidey senses are twitching then she was probably being a cow.

I knew someone like this. She'd revel in telling me about parties that DD wasn't invited to and listing all the people who were there followed by 'oooh. Isn't it strange DD wasn't invited '. She also used to go and look at houses we had told her we were looking at and boast about her job reviews. Bonkers. 😁

Itsbritneybitch22 · 17/11/2023 21:08

At least you know who’s kid to leave out of your daughter’s next party and then invites would go into the main whatsapp group 😅😅

Mirabai · 17/11/2023 21:41

Bramshott · 16/11/2023 15:08

I wouldn't read anything into this at all!

She wanted to know if you & your DD were going (for any number of reasons, lifts, discussing present ideas, just wanting to know if she'd see you there etc). Then when you said you'd have to check WhatsApp she though "eek, probably not invited then, I've put my foot in it", so said something about having received a direct WhatsApp about it to save you further time in checking back and/or embarrassment in asking the party mum direct.

This.

RavenhairedRachel · 17/11/2023 21:54

I definitely don't miss the school gate politics. I was always glad when it was the holidays.

LalaPaloosa · 17/11/2023 23:26

PlayOasis · 16/11/2023 14:47

She’s obviously not got much else going on.

Exactly what I was thinking. What a bore and definitely someone to steer clear of.

Henrietta70 · 17/11/2023 23:33

What a deeply sad cow she is.
Pity the fool.
Revenge is looking great and smiling right back at them.

ghostestwiththemostest · 18/11/2023 22:25

I don't get why so many people think she's deliberately being mean. Do adults really go around assuming the worst of others? It's quite paranoid and defensive behaviour. Now this woman has been labelled as a bitch, yet she could well have just been chatting/making small talk and then accidentally put her foot in it.

Mememe9898 · 18/11/2023 22:40

She might of thought that you were invited. I know lots of parties are happening and my son doesn’t get invited particularly parties for the girls in his class. That’s fair as he doesn’t always play with them so why should they invite him. We all have a limit to who we can invite. I’ll be doing the same. It’s not that I dislike anyone but I can’t fit them all in the party plans that I have. A mum friend today made me aware of a party that had happened in his class that we hadn’t been invited to as I mentioned that there seems to be less parties this year and she said one had happened recently. I proactively asked for this information and it doesn’t bother me if anything it makes me feel better as i don’t have to feel guilty that i can’t invite his whole class.
Last year the day before my sons party I was speaking to a mum who’s son seemed to be really friendly with my son and hadn’t invited him to my sons party. I asked him that day should I send him an invite and he said no 😅 so I didn’t but felt a bit bad given that they seemed to get on well and she knew quite a lot of his mates were invited 😅

MumTeacherofMany · 19/11/2023 11:00

Sounds like she was going to suggest lift sharing or maybe asking what present you had got. I think yorur overthinking it OP...

Chaz22 · 19/11/2023 11:37

If this is what Mums are like at school I dread the day my son starts school. I though petty behaviour like that got left behind in high school! I’d imagine your child was probably only not invited to due to numbers, parties are so expensive these days. Why this mum wants to stir drama over it, I don’t know, probably her own beef when her child hasn’t been invited to a part my previously and wants to make you and your child feel as bad as she did. Stay clear and definitely don’t send her any invites lol (joking if your kids are friends I’d suck it up for them but for sure would be making it a leave your child and don’t hang around yourself invite!)