School mum making it clear we’re not invited to the party

[Thatbucketheadssong]

Just weird.

Mum at school, we’re friendly and chat, kids are friends etc.
She asked me at pick up if I was going to ‘X’s’ birthday party-other girl in the class, my Dd, 5, friends with her. It was the first I’d heard of it, felt slightly embarrassed, said ‘Oh I’m not sure, have to check my WhatsApp’s etc’ She then persisted with ‘Oh X’s mum sent me a message, some people invite the whole class on WhatsApp, others WhatsApp each person’ (yes, I know 😂) we’d obviously not been invited, bit 🤷🏻‍♀️But not too fussed really as our main larger friendship and mums/kids group is outside school and Dd wouldn’t know anyway at age 5 or be that bothered.
This mum clearly wanted to let me know…why? Was it being mean? I could see in her face she knew we weren’t invited, it wasn’t a casual oops mistake at all
Should I stay clear of this one?

I used to have a friend at school who I think really enjoyed telling me when people had been talking about me. There was no need and she did it so often. One time I just sort of crumpled and started crying in front of her. No idea why she did it but I later found out she had a very unhappy childhood that no one knew about.

So I think my point is just that we can never know why people seem to enjoy causing pain, particularly social pain like this.

I'd stay well clear if I were you, not in a dramatic way, just drift apart.

Meh, don't assign malice to what could be a result of ignorance

To be honest she was probably just making conversation then realised pretty quickly she messed up.

Wouldn't give it a second thought

I would think she assumed you were invited

I agree. And then when she saw you were nonplussed, realised she'd put her foot in it and garbled on about whatsapp to hide her embarrasment. A bit like we all do when we've dropped a clanger.

I would reserve judgement for now, as if it was a direct message she may have assumed you got one too. Anymore indications she is just a nasty 💩 stirrer stay well clear, as it just isn’t worth the hassle.

If you are otherwise friendly with her and that was the exact conversation then I don't see why you'd decide she was being mean.
I've asked about invitations before just making conversation and then regretted it because the other child wasn't invited.

You really shouldn't assume anything especially a negative reaction, if you don't have concrete evidence for the slight.

I accidentally mentioned a wedding party to a mutual friend only to realise seconds later that she hadn't been invited. I tried to make up an excuse but felt really bad for mentioning it. I definitely didn't say it to make her feel bad. 😞

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. These things happen.

Unless you have reason to believe she's out to cause trouble I'd just assume it was a foot-in-mouth moment where she had assumed your DD was invited but then back pedalled badly when she realised she wasn't.

Some primary school parties are whole class and sometimes just a few children are invited. For example it's DD's birthday in a few weeks and we've only invited half a dozen girls from her reception class. The rest of the party is family friends. It's nothing political or bitchy or anything else, DD just wants a small party and has picked a few new friends to invite.

From the title I thought it was the school mums kid's party and she'd made it clear you weren't invited.

Nope. She asked if you & child were going to some other random's party.
OP started checking WhatsApps & mum clarified there was a separate group. Possibly while feeling a bit awkward that she'd accidentally dropped a bollock.

End of non-story. Move on.

You're reading far too much into this very small interaction

It’s not extreme danger . Just normal school mum behaviour 😂 Everyone is aware of it. You’re either one of the mean mums, or oblivious to it…

This. I wouldn’t immediately jump to she’s being a bitch from this.

unless she’s been a bit weird previously or she said it in a particularly nasty manner.

Bit surprised people are jumping straight into she’s jealous/hates you/ wants to see you upset etc

I had people asking this when kids were at primary school and dc weren't invited. I assumed they thought dc were invited and were either making conversation or going to ask if we wanted to share lifts rather than deliberately boasting.

I also think it is likely she asked as she didn’t know then tried to cover up the embarrassment, if she’s previously been nice I can’t see why she’d do that, over something as innocuous as a kids party.

its not you who is invited op, it’s your kid, you said “we”. I’m more concerned you think you’re invited to kids parties and are feel embarrassed or left out if you’re not. It’s your child who is invited and generally it’s a numbers thing.

I accidentally mentioned a wedding party to a mutual friend only to realise seconds later that she hadn't been invited. I tried to make up an excuse but felt really bad for mentioning it. I definitely didn't say it to make her feel bad. 😞

Ive done this before too! It was me stupidly putting my foot in it assuming they were going, not because I despised them and were hoping to upset them. Crikey.

We don’t share lifts.

Where we are, parents go too

This doesn’t sound overly malicious to me, my daughter was invited to a little girls party who id never heard her mention before. I asked a mum friend who’s my DD best friend if they had been invited, as I wasn’t sure if the whole class were invited etc as it was very last minute!

I think an important part of OP’s original post people are missing is that she’s said the other mum clearly knew she wasn’t invited and that it was clear on her face that she knew and it wasn’t a mistake - which I’d assume meant she was sniggering/smirking. If she had just been asking in general to make conversation/wanted to go with someone so she wasn’t arriving on her own (I’ve done this before when I didn’t know other mum’s at all when DD1 changed schools & was nervous turning up on my own where everyone else knew each other,
especially at age 5 where you’d expect the parents to stay normally as age 5 is still young and that’s a lot of pressure to put on the bday girls/boys parents to expect them to watch all those kids on their own that young) - then there wouldn’t of been any expression on her face that made it clear she knew that OP wasn’t invited. Can only speak for myself but if I’d been asking & then found out the person I was asking wasn’t invited, I would then of followed it up with an apology and said something like ‘oh I’m really sorry I was only asking because I don’t know if you wanted to go together if you were going’ - or something like that - but then I am a chronic people pleaser who worries about offending everyone so that might just be me. There also would have been no smirky expression on my face & from what OP’s has said it sounds like there definitely was. So in this case I’d say she sounds like a bit of b*tch tbh and I don’t think you are being unreasonable x

It's more likely she assumed your dc was invited rather than she knew they weren't and deliberately set out to taunt you about it.

Im so glad that mine were able to walk to school themselves from year 3 - saved all these palaver.

Go just in time for pick up and breeze in and out - wait a bit away from this person in future, literally keeping your distance.

No one is missing that, we all read it. What people are saying is she’s likely mistaken as why would a previously nice woman do that, over something like a kids birthday party. It’s hardly an issue it should be a yes or no

the op seems to think the invite is to her as she accompanies her child, it is not, it is the child who is the guest. And she’s clearly bothered by not getting what she thinks is her invite, or this would be a non issue.

going to x’s birthday party, no, you? It’s a something and nothing convo.

Unless she's given you other reasons to think she's two faced, I don't think she was trying to be sly. Even if she's not after a lift share, she might have wanted to know if there'd be a friendly face there.

Exactly, who in their right mind would think this was taunt worthy or give a shit?

People are being too quick to jump on the "not a real friend" thing. Is it possible that she thought your DD had been invited and was making conversation to see if her own DC was going to have their little friend there?